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Part 25

The next morning I am still in a depressed mood. I get up and throwing on a robe, I make my way downstairs for some breakfast.

Ellen is up and eating breakfast. “Wow, you look like you had a bad night. You okay?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’m okay. I guess I’m just not used to days like yesterday. Maybe a good run will help.”

“Want some company?”

“You run?”

“Hey, I run. I just don’t do your obstacle course running. But if you want, I can keep you company.”

“Hmm, okay. We can leave in about an hour. Where are Mom and Dad? Aren’t they up yet?”

Giggling, Ellen says, “Well, I think they had a really good time last night–if you know what I mean.”

“What? Oh. Oh!”

“Yep, no telling when we’ll see them. Hee-hee.”

“Well, if they aren’t up by noon, we’ll either have to throw a bucket of water on them or pick up the twins ourselves.

“Oh, okay. Well I’m going to go change. See you in a bit.”

“Okay.”

I eat my breakfast and go up to my room to change. I am beginning to shake whatever blue funk I was in. I change into my running outfit and go downstairs to the gym.

I start my warm up routine and soon Ellen is there with me. As soon as our muscles are loose and warm, we go out and start our run.

After about a quarter mile, we reach the starting point that I use for my Parkour.

“Okay, sis, feel up to a little bet?”

“Like what?”

“You know that little Italian Ice shop four blocks down?”

“Sure.”

“Well, here’s the bet. I bet that I can beat you there and I won’t touch the ground until the shop. Well?”

“And I can run down here?”

“Yup, that’s the bet. I take the high road, you take the low and the loser buys the Italian Ice.”

“Hmmm. Okay, I’ll take that bet. When do we start?”

“How about now?” At that, I take a running leap and grab the lower rail of the next level of the parking garage we’re facing. Going from level to level, climbing the outside like a big ladder, I am soon at the top. I look down and there’s Ellen, looking up at me with her mouth hanging open.

“Ellen, you better hurry. You’ve given me a huge lead.”

“How’d you do that? Are you part monkey?”

Laughing, I yell down, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.” I turn and start my run.

I feel that I have a good chance of beating Ellen. It’s true that she’s on the flat, but she has to also deal with traffic lights and I don’t.

I make my way to the far side of the garage and jump up to the rail. I run along the top of the rail until I get to the corner and drop to the roof of the building next to the garage. I run across this roof and jump the wall between buildings and came up from my front roll without losing much speed.

I pick up speed now as I know I’ll need all I can get and I also need to get the timing right to make this next leap. This is the most dangerous part of the run. If I miss, it is three stories down with not a whole lot to slow my descent.

I feel good and relaxed as I let my speed build and I hit the edge perfectly. Launching myself up and out, I know that I’ll have no worries on this run.

Bringing my feet back under me, I hit the next roof, roll and am back up in no time. I make my way to the far side and up onto the service access roof and from there it is a small hop to the next parking garage.

At this point, I change my normal routine. Normally, after using the parking garage to get across the next street, I’d drop back to the store roofs. This time I want to beat Ellen so I stay on the upper level of the garage. The last half block is a level lower, so after making that easy drop it is a quick run to the edge.

Fortunately, the design of the garage creates these niches that on the outside give me a perfect three-sided chimney to make my way down.

I hit the ground just as I see Ellen round the corner. A twenty-foot dash and I am at the Italian Ice shop.

Ellen comes running up and she is really excited. “Oh my god, oh my god. You flew, I saw you fly. That was the biggest jump I’ve ever seen. How on earth did you do that? Do Mom and Dad know what you do? Do you do that all the time? Oh my god, Alex.”

“Easy, Ellen, catch your breath. You’ve known what I do on these runs.”

“Yeah, intellectually I did, but it’s entirely different seeing you do it. Alex, you flew!”

“I didn’t fly. It was just a long jump.”

“Alex, I saw you. It was, it was like amazing!”

“It was only like fifteen or so feet. Now, buy me my Ice, I want a large orange please.”

Still shaking her head in disbelief, Ellen goes and gets our Italian Ices.

Sitting at one of the sidewalk tables, we eat our Ices and I ask, “So, you want to go down to the harbor or make our way back home?”

“How can you be so blasé about all of this? You climb up that parking garage like a monkey, you fly across that street and jump from the roof on this end. Did you happen to get bit by a radioactive spider?”

Laughing I say, “First, I climb well because I have had a lot of practice and there’s a lot of handholds where we started. Second, I ‘jumped’ across an alley, not a street. Third, I did not jump from the roof, I climbed down that gap there and jumped the last eight or ten feet–no big deal.

“Now, how about we just make our way home? Going by the harbor will add a couple of miles and we should get back in case Mom and Dad can’t get the twins.”

“Okay, fine. But I still think that was pretty amazing.”

So we finish our Ices and head home. We decide to take a different way back and it leads us by the high school.

“So is that where you’re going in the fall?”

“Yeah, I guess. Mom said that I need to go in for some testing. Apparently the State requires it to see where you belong. I think she has me scheduled to do that this week.”

“Big school.”

“Yeah, oh joy.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it in no time.”

“I hope so.”

***

When Ellen and I get back to the house, there is still no sign of Mom and Dad. Ellen goes downstairs and I go up to take my shower and get dressed.

After showering, I decide to leave my hair down and dress in a pale yellow peasant skirt that comes to just above the knee and a white tank top. Slipping on my white sandals, I’m done.

Feeling very girly and liking it, I skip on downstairs to the kitchen. I’m thinking I’d repay Ellen for keeping me company by fixing us a fruit smoothie.

Everyone is in the kitchen when I get there. Mom and Ellen are talking and by the sound of it, Ellen is talking about last night. Dad is sitting at the counter huddled over his coffee.

“Morning, you two. Good to see you’re both alive. Mom, you look great this morning. Dad, you look like something the cat dragged in.”

Dad says, “Gee thanks, son.”

Mom says, “Thank you, honey. You look pretty nice, yourself.”

“Thanks, Mom. I figured that since it looks like it’s going to be a hot one today, this would be nice and cool. Does it look okay?”

“It looks just fine, honey.”

Dad finally looks up and says, “That skirt is a little short, don’t you think?”

Before I can say anything, Ellen says, “Oh, Dad, it’s not that short.”

Mom pipes in, “It’s fine, dear. Leave her alone.”

Feeling a bit hurt, I start cutting up the fruit for the smoothies. I figure I’ll make enough for everyone. This also gives me an excuse to not say anything and keep my back to everyone.

“Hey, Mom, if you want, Alex and I can go pick up the twins.”

“Thank you, Ellen, that would be nice.”

Finishing up the smoothies, I pass them around and then take mine out to the poolside.

I hear someone else follow me and Ellen comes over.

“Hey, you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. Want to talk about it?”

“No. Can we talk about something else, please?”

“Sure. What did you put in the smoothie? It’s different somehow.”

“I used some mango juice this time. Not too bad, is it?”

“I like it. Well, we’ll leave to get the twins at about eleven thirty, okay?”

“Sure, just come and get me. I’ll be ready.”

Ellen gets up and goes back inside. Soon I hear her, Mom and Dad all arguing–probably about me.

Crying, I get up and walk out the back gate. I need to be alone and I can’t get that at the house.

I wander down the street to a little park. It isn’t much but it has some nice trees and some benches to sit on. There are also some swings and I go over and sit on one of them.

I idly swing back and forth. I’m not even thinking about anything in particular. All I do is watch my tears fall.

After a bit, I’m able to stop and figure that I’d better get back home before someone starts to worry.

I come back in the front door and I can actually feel the tension in the air. I’m not sure what all went on while I was gone, but I know it was all about me and Dad’s reaction to me.

Before I can even climb up the stairs to my room, I hear Dad call me into the study.

“Alex, could you come in here please?”

Grabbing some tissue, I wipe my eyes and go to the study. Dad is alone there and he looks decidedly uncomfortable. I just stand in the doorway looking at him.

“Um, son, er, Alex, I want to apologize for upsetting you about how you were dressed.”

I just stand there in disbelief. “My clothes? You think this is about how I’m dressed?”

“Well I–”

“Dad, you can barely look at me. I know all of this makes you uncomfortable but if you think you’re uncomfortable, you ought to see things from my side of the fence.”

“Yes, well I’m sure–”

“No, Dad. Stop. I know this is all a disappointment to you and I do realize that it’s hard to get used to but I’m not your son. I’m not a boy. I’m not a girl either and that makes this even harder. I’m trying to find out what I am. Now over the past couple of days I’ve really kinda felt like maybe I was a girl, you know? Like maybe that was what I am. I don’t know but I need to find out for sure.”

“Well son, I–”

“Damn it, Dad, just listen to yourself!” I say with tears running down my face. “You can’t seem to refer to me as anything but ‘son’ and it’s making you uncomfortable to think of me as NOT your son. But look at me. LOOK.” I whip off my top and bra.

“Dad, this body isn’t a boy’s body.” Whipping off my skirt and panties, I say, “and this isn’t a girl’s body either. It’s both and neither and I know, I’m just a fucking freak and I’m so sorry. I just want to get through this and I don’t know how. I’m so sorry, Dad.”

I turn and run out of the study and up to my room. Mom is coming down the stairs and sees me naked, running and crying.

“Alex? Wait, what happened?”

But I run past her and throw myself onto my bed, weeping like I’ll never be able to stop.

At some point, I must have passed out because when I come to, I’m covered and someone is sitting on the bed with me.

Opening my rather sore eyes, I see that it’s Mom.

“Hey there.”

“Hey, sweetie. Feeling any better?”

“Surprisingly, I do. I feel a lot better. Oh god. I swore at Dad. I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Don’t worry about it, honey. He needed it. Just don’t make it a habit. Okay?”

“Sure, Mom.” We give each other a little smile.

“Your father and I had a long talk and he is very sorry. I expect he’ll want to apologize to you when he gets back. He loves you very much, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just hard enough trying to deal with all the cra…stuff going on in my own head, I just can’t handle anything else. He’s not mad, is he?”

“No, sweetie, at least not at you. I suspect he’s rather mad at himself, though.”

“Mom? Do you think I could just...?”

“What, honey?”

“Well, do you think I could just go ahead and have the operation to get rid of my penis?”

“Oh, honey, why are you asking?”

“Mom, I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I hate being on the fence like this and I figured that I make a better-looking girl than boy and well, they could just chop it off. I wouldn’t have to worry about all this anymore.”

“Sweetheart, I really don’t think that would be a good enough reason. You need to decide who you are and how you want to spend the rest of your life. Having the operation because you don’t want to make that decision isn’t going to be good enough. That doesn’t even make sense really. This decision needs to be made for the right reasons, not the wrong. You’ll need to decide at some point, then we’ll make it happen. You’ll know when that time comes. Okay?”

“Okay, Mom. Well at least this will all give me something to talk to Amanda about tomorrow. What time is it anyway?”

“Just a bit after eleven.”

“Oh, I’d better get up, Ellen and I need to leave to collect the twins, soon.”

“Don’t worry about that, honey, I can go get them.”

“No, Mom, it’s okay. I’d like to go. Let Ellen know I’ll be right down. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetheart.” Mom leans down and kisses me on the forehead then leaves.

Getting up, I go into the bathroom and wash my face. It’s still a bit splotchy so I put on a bit of makeup so I’ll at least be presentable.

Back in my room, I notice that someone, probably Mom, has brought up the clothes I ripped off. I still can’t believe I did that.

Ripped is an apt term too, as both the panty and bra are torn. Crap.

I grab another pair and quickly dress. After brushing all the knots from my hair, I go downstairs to see if Ellen is ready.

Part 26

Journal Entry: April 22^nd

Okay, so the last few days have been absolutely crazy. The spa that we went to was da bomb! I got to tell you that at first I was sooo scared but no one even gave me a second look and soon it wasn’t so bad. Anyway, I think the best part was getting the massage. Oh me oh my, that was divine. Afterwards I felt like melted butter.

Mom and Ellen kept my final look a surprise by not letting me see myself until they were all done dolling me up. When they finally let me look at myself, I almost fainted again! I looked HOT!

For the first time since this whole roller coaster ride started, I saw a girl in the mirror, not a boy dressing as a girl. Girl hell, I looked like I was Ellen’s age.

Speaking of Ellen, she and Mom, well all I can say is, “Hubba hubba.” They looked terrific and totally like sisters, not mother and daughter.

We all were dressed in these little black dresses and pearls and went to meet Dad at the country club. While we were waiting for Dad to show up you’ll never believe what happened: this guy and his two sons bought all of our drinks. Oh my god, they were hitting on us! Is that wild or what?

It gets better. Ellen wanted to surprise Dad with how I looked, so I sat at a table next to ours with my back to it. Well, while I was waiting, one of the sons came over and joined me! If Mom hadn’t been right at the next table, I would have run screaming from the room.

This guy’s name is Brandon and he’s tall, about 6’5” or so and I’ve got to admit he’s good looking and real nice. Now it’s not like I noticed how broad his shoulders were or how nice his smile was or anything, it’s just anyone could tell he’s one handsome guy.

So anyway, Brandon is keeping me company until Dad arrives and he’s really laying on the charm and I’m so embarrassed with him telling me he thought I was pretty and all. Thank goodness the lighting was kind of low as I’m sure I was turning bright red.

When Dad showed up Brandon gallantly departed after, wait for it, kissing my hand! Dad’s eyes nearly popped out of his head and I’m not sure if it was because of how I looked or because of Brandon.

After dinner we went over to the club for some dancing and again, it was tons of fun. Brandon and his brother showed up and Brandon kept dancing with me and his brother kept dancing with Ellen.

During the last slow dance, Brandon held me closer than he had before and I just felt so small next to him. As I said, Brandon is a big guy and he has a real broad chest and wide shoulders and I could feel the strength in his arms as he held me. It was all so weird, I mean at first I was like totally nervous, but soon I was relaxing and just enjoying myself. I felt, oh I don’t know, I’ve never felt like I did when we had that last slow dance so I don’t know how to describe it.

Anyway, it’s not like anything could happen anyhow, I’m just fifteen and he’s twenty, and despite his persistence I did NOT give him my phone number. Gods, Mom and Dad would freak if a boy started to call me–might be fun to see their reaction though. Tee-hee.

Okay, now on to the serious stuff. I got into it with Dad today. You see, Dad’s been acting real weird since this whole thing started with me. I mean he has been supportive and all but he keeps giving me these odd looks and always stammers out how to address me and well, just making this whole thing a lot harder. It has seemed that he was disappointed in me or something.

Well, Ellen and I went for a little run today and after we got back I got dressed in this cute skirt and a tank top. So I go downstairs and Dad’s comment on seeing me is, “That skirt is a little short.” Geeze, if he thinks this is short, wait until he sees me in one of the miniskirts!

Anyway, I’m hurt and pissed off and just need to get away and so I go and sit out back. Mom and Ellen start arguing with Dad, obviously about me and I book it. I go to the park down the street and I’m surprised I don’t get run over as I’m crying so much I can see hardly anything.

Once I calmed down I went back home and Dad called me into his office. Well the short of it is he thought I was upset about the clothes comment and I just snapped. I swore at him and told him that I didn’t know what I was and him treating me the way he was wasn’t helping and then I ripped off my clothes and ran from the room! I can’t believe I did that.

Things have calmed down now, at least I hope so. Mom says Dad’s sorry. I haven’t seen him yet, he’s been working.

So that’s what has been happening. I’ll write more later.

End Journal Entry

***

On Monday, I went up with Ellen to San Francisco so I could meet with Amanda.

“Good morning, Alex.”

“Hello, Amanda.”

“Have a seat. You’re looking very nice today. That’s a very nice outfit.”

“Thanks. It’s still hard to get used to wearing a skirt, especially one that is this short.”

“Well, you look quite nice.”

“Yeah, but looks can be deceiving.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, Amanda, I just don’t think I can do this!”

“What, exactly?”

“Well, you know...this whole being a girl thing. I, I just don’t, I don’t feel like a girl. I, I feel like I always have.”

“How is that?”

“Well, you know...like I have all my life.”

“Okay then, tell me something. How is it supposed to feel to be a female?”

“That’s just it, I don’t know. That’s why I don’t think I can do this.”

“Okay, then tell me what being a male feels like.”

“Well, um, it’s like...well, you know.”

“No I don’t, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“Well it’s, um...oh hell, I can’t put it into words.”

“Okay, we’ll get back to that in a minute. Tell me something. It has seemed to me that you’ve actually enjoyed the last couple of weeks. Have you really?”

“Well, yeah I have. I mean it’s been kinda crazy at times and all but, yeah, it’s been fun. I just don’t know if I can be a girl though and I’ve tried, I’ve really tried.”

“Well ultimately, you are the only one that can make that choice, Alex. But think on this. I can’t tell you what it’s like to be female, nor can your sister, nor your mother, and your father can’t tell you what it is like to be male. No one can.

“Oh sure, we can cite things like how we dress or act or even how we emote in a given situation. But none of that will tell you what it is like to be a male or a female. How I perceive my femaleness can be, and probably is, very different from how your mother or sister perceive their femaleness.

“Your perception of your gender is just that, YOUR perception. How you view yourself is uniquely yours, it isn’t mine or anyone else’s. What makes me female is the way I see myself, in my mind and in my heart and it can’t be properly described. It would be like trying to describe the color blue to someone who has been blind from birth. This is true of everyone.

“Many people mistakenly believe that gender is tied to the physical but that just isn’t true. In my work, I deal every day with men born in the physical body of a woman and women born in the physical body of a man. Their true gender is tied to their psyche, not to their physical body.

“Now ultimately they may choose to try to alter the physical to conform more to their self-perception, and that could be anything from how they wear their hair to full sexual reassignment surgery. Yet some may never make any physical changes but they are as female as I am or as male as your father because that is how they perceive themselves.

“Alex, you will need to decide what is right for you, what you feel comfortable with.”

“But shouldn’t I feel different?”

“Good lord, why? You are still you. Nothing about what makes Alex ‘Alex’ is different or will change. You are just trying to figure out how you will present yourself to the rest of the world, and more importantly, how you perceive yourself. The point of all of this is to figure out what is the most comfortable ‘persona’ for you. We’re not trying to change your personality.”

“But...well I still don’t think I can be a girl.”

“Why?”

“Well, um if I’m a girl, then, um, shouldn’t I, well you know, like boys?”

“Why?”

“What? Well, because girls like boys, that’s why.”

“Says who?”

“Well...”

“Alex, listen. You are fourteen, almost fifteen years old. At your age, you are just beginning to explore and develop your sexual identity. Right now, you’re showing an increased interest in girls. Okay, fine. You might also develop an interest in boys along with or instead of girls. That’s okay too, and it’s only natural.

“Your sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to do with your gender identity.”

“Really? I’m not a freak or anything?”

“No, you’re not a freak, just a healthy teenager trying to figure out your place in the whole scheme of things, and all in all, you’re doing a remarkably good job of it, too.

“Listen. This whole process is to try to help you find your comfort zone–what YOU are most comfortable living as.

“This is going to be a scary process and you are going to have some understandable anxiety from time to time. That’s why I’m here, to help you through those times.

“Does all of that make sense?”

“Yeah, yes it does. Thank you.”

“Good. Now last week we were talking about...”

***

After my appointment I have to hang around a bit before Mom can be by to pick me up and then we are going to go to the school so I can do the testing that is required by the State before they can place me in a grade.

I sure hope I don’t screw it up and end up placed back in kindergarten.

Amanda and I talked about what happened with Dad. He and I still have not been able to talk. Yesterday Dad got called into work and by time he got back, I was asleep.

Mom did say that he was really sorry and to make sure that I knew he wasn’t trying to avoid me.

This morning he was already gone by time I got downstairs.

The session with Amanda went well. I think I understand a bit better what Dad has been going through and Amanda was able to help me refocus on myself.

There’s a small park not too far from Amanda’s office that I told Mom I’d be at. I go there and take out my sketchbook. There is a great view of the ocean from there.

I have the sketch almost done when Mom pulls up and honks the horn. I grab my stuff and hop in the car.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, sweetie. Been waiting long?”

“No. Just long enough for one sketch.”

“Well we’ve got to hustle, we need to be at the school in forty-five minutes. Afraid there won’t be time to grab some lunch.”

“That’s okay. I’ve got some granola bars here and my iced tea. I’ll be fine.”

“Have a good session?”

“Yeah, Amanda is real good at helping me put things into perspective. Oh, Amanda said that I might get a benefit out of meditation. Can we look into finding someone who can train me how to do that?”

“Sure. That shouldn’t be a problem. Let me think on it.”

We drive the rest of the way in silence. I eat my granola bars and drink my tea while we listen to the music on the radio.

We pull into the school visitor lot and go on in. We must have timed it right between classes because there are a ton of kids in the halls. Kids are rushing everywhere, others are huddled in groups in the hall so everyone has to go around them and the noise is incredible–hundreds of voices talking all at once. I am so not going to have a good time here.

We make it to the administration offices and shortly after the principal comes out to meet with us.

The principal, Mr. Santiago, leads us back to his office.

“Mrs. Conners, it is a pleasure to meet you. This must be your daughter, Alex.”

Mr. Santiago indicates that we should sit, and then he goes behind his desk.

“I see that you’ll be turning fifteen soon, Alex.” Looking intently at me he says, “Remarkable, oh and happy birthday.”

“Um, thank you, sir.”

“Well, Mrs. Conners, Alex’s test results are certainly impressive, but the State of California requires that all new students be tested for placement. Is Alex prepared to take these tests today?”

“That’s why we’re here.”

“Splendid. The full tests take about one-and-a-half to two hours, maximum. Alex, if you’ll follow me, we’ll get you started at the lab. Ms. Henderson will monitor you.”

“Oh, okay. Mom, I can walk home when I’m done. There’s no need to wait.”

“You sure, honey?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” Not really, but I can’t tell her that.

“Okay, I’ll see you home in a bit.”

I follow Mr. Santiago out into the chaos of the halls and we make our way up and down stairs and around corners until it feels like he is deliberately trying to get me lost–if so, I think it worked.

Finally we arrive at a door marked ‘Computer Lab’ and go in. There I am introduced to Ms. Henderson, a pleasant middle-aged woman.

Ms. Henderson has me take a seat at a computer monitor up front and sets up the testing program. There are other kids in the class and they are all checking me out. It is really making me nervous.

We get everything set up and I get started and soon I have everything but the test blocked out. About an hour later, I finish up and tell Ms. Henderson I am through.

“Since you finished so fast, you might want to go back through the test to double-check your work.”

“Yes, ma’am. I already did that. I think I’m all done now.”

“Very well.” She gets up, comes over and does the final sign-out then tells me I’m free to go, but I should stop back into the office and tell Mr. Santiago before I leave.

I thank her, gather my things and leave.

I only get lost a few times trying to get back to the main office. One of the times, I am going around a corner and there are a bunch of boys there and they keep trying to hit on me. Not really knowing how to deal with something like this, I just keep quiet. This apparently is not the correct response. They keep getting more and more aggressive and won’t let me by. Finally, a teacher comes along and I am able to get away and get directions to the office.

Mr. Santiago doesn’t have anything else for me so I head on home. I really am not looking forward to going to that school next year.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson