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Part 21

Ever have one of those nights that when you wake up you feel like you didn’t get any rest at all? That was my night. It is all I can do to drag myself out of bed and into the shower.

The shower helps some and I’m hoping that a bit of breakfast will get me fully awake.

I get dressed in my usual baggy clothes and make my way downstairs. Mom’s in the kitchen and greets me with an entirely too cheerful, “Morning, sunshine.”

“Mmmmgh,” is about the best I can do for my reply.

Mom just laughs and pours me a glass of juice.

“Tough night last night?”

“Rugsnuffle.”

“Well, get some breakfast into you, that should help. I thought that we’d have lunch in town right after your appointment. Your father dropped Ellen off at school this morning and we’ll pick her up right after your appointment then catch some lunch–if that’s okay.”

“Um, fine. Where are the boys?”

“Upstairs. We’ll drop them off at the Marshall’s on our way. They have some stuff to take care of for their scouting.”

“Oh, okay. I think I’m going to go for a run. Maybe that will wake me up.”

“Dressed like that? It’s already getting warm out there. You might want to change.”

“Hmm, good point.”

So I go back upstairs to change and since there really isn’t any reason not to, I put on the running outfit Robbyn had me get. Besides, I really miss her and I feel a bit closer to her when I wear it.

So I finish getting dressed, and looking into the mirror I really can’t see the boy I used to be, anymore. I can’t help but wonder if he’s gone for good or if I can get him back. If I can, do I want to?

I put my hair in a ponytail and dash downstairs. I yell out that I’m going and head out the front door. I figure a run down to the yacht club and back will be a good one. Besides, I love looking at some of the yachts there–oh to be rich enough to afford one of those.

The run is largely uneventful, but it does serve to wake me up finally. I do get to see a couple of really nice boats. One is absolutely huge and oh so nice. I also am able to scope out what might turn out to be a prime Parkour route. I’ll have to give it a try real soon. The one that Ellen found for me is okay I guess, but I like it on the rooftops and her route is on the ground.

Anyway, I make it back home and as my run took a bit longer than I had anticipated, I have to shower quickly, change and then rush downstairs to meet up with Mom and the twins so we can get going.

I’m afraid that I’m not a very good conversationalist for the drive up to the city. I’m awfully preoccupied with my upcoming meeting with Amanda. We’re going to be discussing the test results I had just gotten as well as a whole bunch of other stuff.

Traffic and parking is a real bear and Mom has to drop me off in front of Amanda’s building so I can get there on time. Mom is going to find a parking spot and then come on up.

I walk into the reception area and check in, then try to find something to read that is relevant to this century–not much luck there.

Just as I’m about to settle down and read a two-year-old People magazine, Amanda comes out and asks me to come on back.

Days later–okay, maybe it was only about an hour later–Amanda steps out to ask my Mom to come back so the three of us can discuss some stuff.

Mom comes in and immediately comes on over to me. She can tell that I’ve been crying. She asks, “What’s wrong, honey? Why have you been crying?”

“Oh nothing, Mom, everything’s okay.”

Mom doesn’t seem to believe me and Amanda adds, “We’re making some great progress and I’m afraid that some of that progress comes with a lot of emotional release. We wanted you to come on back to discuss some of what was dealt with in this session.”

Mom sits down next to me on the couch and says, “Okay.”

“Well, Alex, do you want to talk or shall I?”

“Um, could you please?”

“All right. Mrs. Conners, some of what we dealt with today is Alex’s need to make a choice of gender. Now Alex has spent his life up to now, living as a boy. In order for him to make an informed choice, we’ve discussed, and Alex agrees with me, that he’s going to have to experience life as a girl.”

Mom’s eyes widen but she doesn’t seem too terribly surprised. I just turn a bright shade of red and nod my head.

“Now I’ve suggested that since Alex has already experimented with dressing as a girl, that he now continues it full time over the summer. At the end of summer, Alex should have a much better idea of the route that he needs to choose. We’ve discussed the pros and cons of both choices and if he wants to, Alex can share them, it’s entirely up to him.

“We wanted to discuss the idea of Alex going full-time as a girl with you to get your reaction and your thoughts of the reactions of the rest of the family.”

“Well, I can’t say that this surprises me. Dr. Martin did mention it when we got the test results. I am a bit surprised that it’s come so soon, but quite frankly I don’t know why I should be.

“I’ve discussed this extensively with my husband and we both are in full agreement. We will support Alex fully no matter what decision he makes.

“Does this bother me? Heck yes it does–but only because this is causing Alex pain. If I could, I’d take all of the pain away. Since I can’t, the only thing I can do–that Alex’s father and I both can do–is give Alex all of the support and love that we can. We only want the best for Alex, whatever the choice he makes is.”

I hug Mom and quietly start to cry. Mom is a bit choked up as well.

“That’s very good to hear, Mrs. Conners. I can’t begin to tell you how much easier that this will make it for Alex. It is still going to be difficult, but the full support of you and your husband will help greatly.

“Now, what about the rest of your family? Alex’s sister and two brothers–will they be as supportive as well?”

“I know his sister will. Although his brothers are two years younger than Alex, they’ve been remarkably understanding and supportive so far. I don’t see why that would change.

“Has a decision been made as to when this will happen?”

At this, both Mom and Amanda turn and look at me.

“Well, Mom. Um, we’ve kinda talked about it and well, ah, probably the sooner the better.”

“Honey, are you sure?”

“Yeah. I know I’m going to have to decide and well, the sooner the better. Right now, I feel like I’m being torn in half. I, I want to get moving on this.”

“Okay, honey. Doctor, what’s next?”

“That’s up to Alex–he’s setting the pace on this. We’ve agreed that it should be soon, but, Alex, you decide on the actual timing, okay?”

“Okay. I’m kind of thinking that maybe this weekend.”

“Fine. Now both of you remember, I’m only a phone call away if anything comes up.”

At this, Mom and I stand and Amanda walks us out.

We schedule my appointment for next week and head out to the car to pick up Ellen. I wonder how I’ll be dressed for that next appointment. Oh god, I can’t believe I’m going to do this.

***

We’re running a bit late, so Ellen is already outside her building waiting for us when we pull up.

She quickly tosses her stuff in the trunk and jumps in the back seat.

“Hey, guys. How’d the appointment go, Alex?”

“Um, ’kay I guess.”

“What? What happened?”

“Ellen, Alex has decided to try to live as a girl for awhile, starting this weekend.”

“Really? This is going to be so cool.”

Somehow, I just can’t get as enthused as Ellen is about all of this. Quite frankly, I’m nervous as hell.

“So what does all of this mean?”

“Well for starters, it means that we’re going to have to get your brother, I mean ‘sister’, a new wardrobe.”

At the word ‘sister’, Ellen starts to giggle and I lean out the window and throw up.

Mom quickly pulls over and I get out and finish heaving breakfast into the gutter. After I’m done, Ellen hands me a bottle of water and I rinse and spit until I get all the taste out of my mouth. God I hate throwing up.

Mom has her arm around me and Ellen is rubbing my back. Mom asks, “Are you going to be all right now? We’ll be home in just a bit.”

“No. You said all three of us would go out for lunch and believe it or not, I feel much better now. I think everything just hit me at once.”

“Are you sure, honey? We can just go home and I can fix us something there.”

“No, Mom, I’m sure. I really do feel fine now. I just think that my nerves just hit all at once.”

We all get back into the car and we make our way to a little restaurant down by Fisherman’s Wharf.

All three of us get a light seafood salad that tastes great. Along with it comes some of the best sourdough bread I’ve ever had. I can probably make a meal of just the bread, it’s so good.

During lunch we discuss my upcoming transformation to ‘sugar and spice and everything nice.’ We talk about the need for me to get a new set of clothes and makeup, and even changing my room a bit to make it more like a girl’s one.

Near the end of lunch, Ellen gets a sparkle in her eye. “Mom, I just had the best idea. It’ll be perfect to get Alex into ‘girl mode’.”

“What would that be?”

“Two words, ‘spa day’. What do you think?”

I’m looking confused at both of them.

“That’s a good idea, Ellen. I’ve wanted to try that one that just opened up over by the country club. I wonder if they have any openings on Saturday. Let’s get home and make some calls.”

“Will you two tell me what you’re talking about?”

Ellen giggles and Mom says, “Your sister had a great idea. If you’re up to it, we can do some shopping tonight or tomorrow, then all three of us can go to this day spa I heard about on Saturday.”

“Okay, what’s a day spa?”

“Well, basically it’s a place to go and get pampered. You can get something as basic as a manicure or a pedicure to a massage or hairstyling. You name it, these places do it.

“They’re a lot of fun and it’s wonderful to get pampered and well, your sister and I think it’ll help get you in the right mindset.

“We can start with getting your hair done, then your nails and well, we can just take it one step at a time.”

“I don’t know, Mom.”

“Come on, Alex,” Ellen chimes in, “it’ll be a blast. All you need to do is just sit back and relax. We’ll take it slow but I think you’re going to really like it.”

“We can go slowly? And we can stop at any time?”

“You’ll have the final say.”

I look at Mom and she nods her head and then I look at Ellen and she’s looking real eager. I have the same feeling I quite often had when Robbyn talked me into things.

“Okay, but if I say we go, we go.”

“Yippee,” says Ellen.

Mom says, “Of course, honey. Let’s get home so I can give them a call.”

After we get home, Mom goes to make her phone calls, Ellen goes downstairs and I go up to my room. I have a whole bunch of stuff to try to straighten out in my mind.

I go into my room and lay down on my bed and start going over just what all was decided today. I wonder if I’m too young for an ulcer or a nervous tick.

The next thing I know, Ellen is gently shaking me awake.

“Hey there, sleepyhead. You need to get up and come on downstairs. Dinner will be ready in a bit.”

“Wow, I was really out of it. I didn’t think I was that tired.”

“Well, all things considered, I’m not really surprised. Feel any better?”

“Hmm. Good question. I suppose so. I’m still trying to get used to all of this.”

“What are you having trouble with? It seems to me, and based on all you’ve said you and Robbyn have done, that you were getting pretty used to dressing up as a girl. What’s different now?”

“You know, that’s one of the things I’ve been trying to get straight myself. Amanda has been helping me a lot in getting me through this. I think that the difference is this. Before, when I was seven, I was still real young. I didn’t have any of the notions of how girls act and dress one way and boys act and dress another. I mean really, when you’re seven, that just isn’t part of what you think about.

“Then there are my times with Robbyn; well I think part of it–maybe all of it–was like make believe and it was ‘dress up’. Somehow, this isn’t real and I’ll always go back to being ‘me’. Kinda like an actor, I suppose. When you act, it’s just a role, you don’t become the character. At some point, the play ends and you go back to being you.

“Living full-time as a girl, well, it’s not going to be like that. I will be a girl full-time and I may never go back, I may never be able to go back. I might not want to. All of that is very scary.

“I’ve grown up thinking of myself one way. I’m a boy. I might look a bit girly but damn it, I’m a boy. Then comes Robbyn, and to a certain extent what we did when I was seven, but mainly Robbyn I think. There’s some sort of connection that she and I have. It’s a lot like what you and I have. Anyway, Robbyn comes along and thinks I’m a girl and treats me that way. She forces me to act like one and to dress like one and I like it. I can’t explain why, but I do.

“But the whole time, I still think of myself as a boy. I might dress like a girl sometimes and that may make me a weird boy, but I’m still a boy.

“Then there’s my body, it starts to develop all wrong. At least it’s wrong for a boy to develop this way. Anyway, it turns out that I’m not a boy after all, and the kicker is I’m not sure I’m really a girl either. I guess maybe I’m something in between. Now because of how I am and how I’m developing, I need to decide if I want to be a boy or a girl, and to make this rather important decision, I need to experience how it is to live as both.

“This isn’t going to be pretend anymore. If or when I get tired of it, I won’t be able to go back and that scares me. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. My whole sense of self is being challenged and sometimes it overwhelms me a bit.”

“I can understand that. Well, despite how you look, how do you feel? I mean, do you feel like you’re a boy or a girl?”

“Now that is the question of the day. The answer is ‘I don’t know.’ I mean I thought I did, but that’s why I need to do the whole live as a girl bit. After all, what does it feel like to be a girl? What does it feel like to be a boy? I really don’t know and I can’t know until I have experienced living on both sides of the street.”

“You can look at it this way. You are kind of lucky you know.”

“Lucky? Me? Some luck this is.”

“No, I mean it. Oh, I’m not saying that what you’re going through isn’t traumatic but you have an opportunity that few do. You get to choose. You get to define your path and how you’ll present yourself to the world. Not very many people get that choice.”

“That’s an interesting way to look at it. I think I’d have skipped this honor but it is a different way of looking at it.”

“It’s true though. Anyway, think about it. I know it won’t be easy but I’ll help you all that I can.

“In the meantime, let’s get on downstairs. Dad’s doing steaks on the grill and I’m hungry.”

Part 22

My Dad’s a funny guy. You put him in the kitchen and he can, and probably would, burn water. You stick him in front of a grill and he can do wonders. His steaks practically melt in your mouth and he does a grilled veggie dish that is out of this world. Tonight is no exception.

The food is great and during dinner, Mom tells me that we are set for Saturday to do my spa day. Whoopee. Sorry, just a tad nervous about this.

Dad and the twins have been brought up to date on what is happening and that I’ll be living as a girl for the summer.

The boys giggle a bit and I suppose I can’t blame them. I mean, it is a bit funny if it isn’t happening to you. But all in all, they’re being super-understanding–far more than I ever expected them to be. I only have to push them in the pool once.

Dad is informed that he’ll have to fend for himself on Saturday, so he decides that he’ll just spend the day at the club since the twins will be leaving Friday night for a scouting camp out. He really doesn’t look all that heartbroken.

We decide that we’ll do some of my shopping tonight as tomorrow morning I need to get my stitches out and do some more tests. Since we don’t know how long the test will take, we’ll go ahead and do some shopping tonight and then more tomorrow.

I help clean up after dinner, and then Mom, Ellen and I get into Mom’s car for the drive to the mall.

Every mile closer to the mall we get, my anxiety level rises. Amanda has given me some relaxation techniques and I’m doing them for all I’m worth. I think they might have helped a bit, not much, but at this point I take all that I can get.

We get to the mall and Mom and Ellen take things nice and slow for me. Going into Nordstrom’s it appears to me that we’re just wandering aimlessly around. Not so, my sister is a champion shopper and she learned her trade from the ‘master,’ my Mom. This ‘aimless’ pattern is really their way to maximize the shopping in the shortest amount of time.

The first place we hit is the cosmetics counter. Fortunately, my training with Robbyn helps me here. I actually think I surprise Mom and Ellen a bit when I shyly talk makeup with the saleswoman.

“Where did you learn about makeup so well?” asks Mom as we gather my packages and move on.

“Robbyn. We’d not only dressed up but would put on makeup and experiment with different looks. I thought you knew that.”

“Well I did, but I just didn’t realize that you learned it so well. Now keep in mind, I don’t want you wearing too much makeup, especially at your age. When your sister was your age, I didn’t let her wear anything more than lip-gloss.”

“Then why are you getting me this stuff and letting me do more than that?”

“You have a lot of catching up to do. Your sister grew up thinking of herself as a girl. This is all new to you and I figure that a little bit of makeup might help you with that process.”

“Oh, okay, I can see that, not that I plan on wearing much if any. At least I learned the basics from one of the best. You two may be champion shoppers, but there isn’t anything about makeup that Robbyn doesn’t know. I think she might have tested most of her knowledge on me at one time or another.”

We giggle at that and suddenly I find myself in the Juniors Department.

“Okay,” says Mom, “I think that we’ll only want to get one or two items of each type for tonight. I’m thinking a couple of pairs of jeans, some shorts, a couple of skirts, maybe a light dress. Then we’ll get you some tanks and blouses and once we get those, we’ll get you some shoes. Oh, and you’ll need something for swimming and of course you’ll also need something for your running.

“Well, that’ll be a start at least. Okay then, Ellen, what about these?”

And the two of them are off. I follow behind with I’m sure a dazed expression on my face. Mom and Ellen pull items off a rack and hold it up to me. They give it a quick look and either put it back or add it to the increasingly large pile of clothes.

When we each have a large arm full of clothes, I’m thinking that we’re were finally done. I’m wrong. We instead go to the dressing rooms.

“Oh geeze, guys. I don’t think I can do this.”

“It’s okay, honey,” Mom says.

“Yeah, Alex, besides there isn’t anyone back here anyway. Now we need to see these things on you, so in you go.”

With that, I’m shoved into a dressing room and told to strip down to my skivvies.

The first thing handed to me is a pair of jeans. I get them mostly on and just know that they’ll get no further.

“Hey, guys, these are way too small for me.”

“No way,” replies Ellen. “Let me see.”

Ellen opens the door and I squawk, “Ellen!”

“Oh stop. Now let me see. Hmm, they’re not too small, they’re supposed to be snug. Here, let me help. With that, she pulls me out and stands behind me, grabs the waistband and lifts. Sure enough, they come up the rest of the way but no way will they close.

“See, there’s no way they’ll be able to close.”

“Oh posh. Suck in your stomach.”

I do and she closes them! I’m thinking that I’m being cut in half and say so. Ellen accuses me of being too dramatic. Mom just laughs at us.

“Look, sis, they have some stretch in them and you have the type of figure that will really look good in these.”

“What?”

“I said your figure is ideal for this type of jean. Now try this top on.”

I hadn’t meant that, Ellen called me, ‘sis’. For some reason that got me all emotional and I don’t know if it’s because it makes me happy or if it makes me sad. I do know that it makes me love my sister all the more.

Ellen seems to be directing this show tonight and I am more than willing to let her. She has me in and out of all of the clothes we have brought back with us and then she’d remember another item of clothing and run out to get it.

During one of these runs, Mom asks me if I’m okay.

“Oh, I’m okay. I don’t know how you guys can do your all-day shopping trips though. This is wearing me out and we haven’t even been at it for an hour and a half yet.”

“You get used to it. It can be a lot of fun. It looked like you were about to cry there for a while. We can stop at anytime you know. Your sister can sometimes get carried away.”

“I know, Mom. It’s not that. It’s just...”

“What?”

“Ellen called me sis for the first time. It kinda got me all choked up there for a minute. She’s gotta be the best sister anyone could ask for.”

“You’re pretty swell yourself, you know.”

“Thanks, Mom. You’re not too bad, either.” With a big smile, I give Mom a hug.

Ellen soon returns with several more items that I have to try on.

Soon it looks like we we’re about done. We now have two piles. One is the rejects and the other larger one is all of the keepers.

I look around and don’t see Mom. I take off the last outfit and am getting ready to put on my old clothes when Mom comes back.

“Just a couple more things, honey, then we can move on. You’re going to have to take off your bra though.”

In Mom’s hands are a couple of different types of swimsuits. She hands them to me and gives me a little shove into the changing room.

“Try the light blue two-piece on first. I think it’s real cute.”

“Ah, okay, Mom.”

I take my bra off and slip the bottoms up. They’re almost like shorts–real tight short shorts, but shorts. These might not be so bad. I’m afraid of getting something too skimpy.

The top looks like, well I’m not sure how to describe it. It has about a three-inch zipper closure in front. I guess that the best way to describe it is a real short vest but the back is open. It’s made by Body Glove and the dark blue one-piece is by Speedo.

“Well?” both Mom and Ellen call out.

“Well what?”

“Let’s see it,” is Mom’s response.

“Um, I don’t think so, Mom.”

“Why? What’s wrong with it?”

“Well for starters, it’s awful snug.”

Ellen starts to giggle at this and Mom says, “It’s supposed to be, honey. Come on, open the door.”

“No one is out there, are they?”

“Just your sister and me.”

“Okay.” I open the door and step out.

Mom nods her head and says, “Not bad.”

Ellen says, “Wow, that one’s nice. Turn around, let’s see all of it.”

Turning bright red I do a spin.

“Okay, sis, let’s see the one-piece.”

I quickly go back in the dressing room and close the door. I strip out of the two-piece suit and pull on the dark blue one-piece. I feel much better wearing this as it covers more. The sides of the leg openings are cut higher so you can see my panties but I won’t be wearing them after we buy it, anyhow.

I finish putting it on and go back out. “Well, how’s this one?”

Ellen says, “Well you could lose the panties but otherwise that one is very nice, too. Here, try this one on now.”

What she hands me is a very small, very pink bikini. “You got to be kidding me. I’m not going to wear that,” and I give it back to her.

“Why not?”

“Well...it’s just, well I’d feel naked wearing it. The entire thing could fit in a thimble.”

“Oh it’s not that bad. Just try it on. Please. Who knows, you might like it.”

Extremely reluctantly, I take it back from her and go back into the dressing room.

“You’re going to have to take your panties off for this one, sis,” she giggles.

So I put it on. I have a bit of an issue getting the back tied until I figure that I can tie it in front then spin it around then tie the neck pieces. When I’m done, it feels like I’m still naked.

“This is way too small.”

“Well, let’s see it,” replies Mom. “No one is out here, it’s safe.”

I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Oh, I don’t know why I let you guys talk me into this.”

I open the door and step out. Mom is covering her mouth with her hand but I can tell that she’s smiling at me. Ellen gives me a wolf whistle.

“Wow, sis, you’re going to have to beat them off with a stick with that one. It’ll look even better when you get more of a tan. You’re lucky that you have a darker complexion. It’s going to take me half the summer to get to where you are now, ya brat.”

I turn and look at myself in the three-way mirror. Holy moly! Is that me?

“I can’t wear this! My boobs are hanging out and my butt...well let’s just say only my doctor should be seeing this much of me.”

Mom and Ellen are laughing. Mom says, “Oh I wouldn’t say that. I think it looks real nice on you, honey.”

I go back into the dressing room to change into my clothes and say, “Well, I don’t think I can wear that. Sorry.”

“Okay, sis, but I think it looks the best of the three.”

I toss the bikini out to Ellen and finish getting dressed.

We lug all of the new clothes over to the register and the clerk starts to ring it all up.

Ellen takes me over to the accessories area and we pick out a couple of belts, a purse and clutch and a wallet as well as some headbands and clips.

We get it all back just before the clerk finishes ringing up the clothes.

As soon as Mom is done paying, we all grab a handful of bags and head to the shoe department.

Here we just get a couple of pairs of flats and some sandals.

When we’re done, we head back to the car. Mom and Ellen are chattering away and I feel exhausted.

“I really don’t know how you two do it.”

“Do what? asks Ellen.

“When it comes to shopping, you two are like the Energizer Bunny, you keep going, and going, and going. Me? I’m wiped.”

Ellen and Mom both laugh and at the same time say, “You’ll get used to it.”

This gets all three of us laughing.

We get home and lug all of my new clothes up to my room.

While we were gone, Dad brought up a number of boxes to my room. I now need to pack up the majority of my old clothes to make room for my new wardrobe.

Mom goes back downstairs and Ellen stays to help me. We pack up just about all of my old stuff and begin to put my new clothes away. Ellen is hanging things in the closet and I am putting things in my dresser when I come across a flash of pink. I pull out the bikini that I had tried on at the store.

“Ellen, why is this here? I said that I wasn’t going to wear this.”

“Oh that. Well, I figured that you might change your mind. Anyway, you can wear it here when you’re working on your tan by the pool. No one will see you and that will work much better than your other suits.”

“Hmmm, not likely. It really felt like I didn’t have anything on when I tried that on.”

“Who knows, you might change your mind. There, that’s the last from tonight’s shopping and there’s plenty of room for when we get the rest of your clothes.”

“I don’t need that much more do I?”

“Are you kidding? There’s a ton more that you’ll need. Boys may be able to get by with just a couple of shirts and a couple of pairs of pants; there’s no way any self-respecting girl can.”

Photo Credit: Ray Philson