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Part 13

I’m feeling really bored, so I decide to go downstairs to see what Ellen’s up to.

“Hey sis, whatcha working on now?”

“One of the outfits I’m going to need for my presentation. This one is going to be a cocktail dress. What’s up?”

“Nothing much. I’m almost done with all of my workbooks and I thought I’d take a break and see what you were doing.”

“Well, pull up a seat and keep me company. I’ve been a bit worried about you lately. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, I guess I’m still getting settled. Say, this cloth is nice. What is it?”

“That is yummy. That’s raw silk and probably my favorite fabric since it comes in so many textures and weaves.”

“You’re doing a great job on your outfits. They really do look super.”

“Thanks. Remember when we used to play dress up?”

With a small laugh I respond, “Yeah, that was kinda fun.”

“Did you really like dressing up as a girl?”

“Well, I was only 7 or 8 but yeah, I did. Well a lot of it was just getting to play with you, but I did enjoy dressing as a girl.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, the fabrics are softer, the styles are so much more varied, and I just felt more comfortable. It felt kinda right. Weird isn’t it.”

“No, I don’t think it’s weird, I’ve often felt that girls have it way better than boys when it comes to clothes. I certainly can’t fault you for liking them better than boys’ clothes, I know I do,” she says, smiling.

“Yeah, but you’re a girl, I’m not.”

“Remember when Dad caught us?”

“Oh my god, I was soooo embarrassed,” I say, laughing. “The look on Dad’s face when we went into the house...”

“Mom and Dad said that it was just a phase. Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Well, was it just a phase?”

I turn away, and say, “I, I’m not sure.”

“Have you wanted to dress up since then?”

At Ellen’s question, I just collapse back onto the couch crying. All of my pent-up emotions are released.

Ellen rushes over and asks, “Alex, what’s wrong? Don’t cry, hey it’s no big deal. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s not that so much, it’s, well...Oh god, this is so embarrassing.”

“Alex, you’re beginning to worry me, tell me, what’s wrong. I love you, you can tell me.”

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“You can’t tell a soul–not anyone what I’m about to tell you.”

“Well, how about this, I won’t, unless you tell me it’s okay to. Also, if you are in danger, all bets are off. Deal?”

“Okay, deal.”

“Well then, tell me.”

I get up and slowly move away from Ellen. With my back to her I say, “Remember, you promised.”

“I remember.”

Grabbing the bottom of my sweatshirt, I pull it over my head.

Noticing the ace bandage, Ellen asks, “Why are you bandaged?”

Without answering, I unwind the bandage. With my arms in front of me, I slowly turn until I’m facing Ellen. Tears are running down my face.

“Alex?”

With my head held down, I lower my arms and Ellen lets out a gasp. “Oh my, Alex what happened? How did this happen?”

I stand there shaking in front of Ellen. “I don’t know,” I cry, and then collapse into my sister’s arms.

* * *

After calming down, I begin to tell Ellen my story.

“You know how I’ve been trying to bulk up? I’m so damned skinny and everyone mistakes me for a girl.”

“You’re not skinny and not everyone thinks you’re a girl.”

“No, just everyone who meets me. Anyway, I’ve been working out and really trying not to look so girly. Well around Halloween, I thought that I was finally seeing some progress: I was getting taller and it was looking like my chest was bulking up. Boy oh boy has it ever been bulking up!

“Anyway, around Christmas I couldn’t deny it any longer. I realized that I was growing breasts! The nipples are so sensitive, and the entire area is sore. That may be from keeping them bound all the time, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m really scared. Why is this happening to me?”

“Oh honey. I don’t know, but I think that we need to tell Mom and Dad.”

“NO! We can’t, you promised me.”

“Easy, Alex. I’ll keep my promise, but I really do think we need to tell them. I think you need to see a doctor to find out just what’s going on. This is too important to hide, and besides, if things keep progressing, you won’t be able to hide it much longer anyway.”

“Oh crap. I know that. But I need to tell Mom and Dad my way–when I’m more prepared. They are so going to freak. If you thought they were bad when they found their seven-year-old son in a dress, just how do you think they’re going to react to their fifteen-year-old son having tits!?”

“They didn’t freak when you were seven, you’re exaggerating, and I don’t think they’ll be that bad now. Well, Dad might freak out a bit, it’s hard to tell. But Mom will certainly be supportive and you’ll have me with you. I love ya, little bro.”

“Little bro? Yeah, right. God I wish I knew what was happening to me.”

“We’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I think I have something here for you, let’s see.”

Ellen rummages around in one of her stacks of fabric and pulls out a piece and tosses it to me.

“Here ya go.”

Ellen has given me a beautiful, black silk camisole.

“I can’t take this.”

“Why not? It will help ease the irritation to your nipples, and it’s really comfortable.”

“Because this is really beautiful and it can’t have been cheap and besides I’d kind of like to keep what’s happening a secret awhile longer, and going around wearing this isn’t going to help.”

“Well it didn’t cost that much as I made it, and just wear it under your shirt. No one will know you have it on. Just try it on. You’ll see.”

“Okay, but no laughing!”

I slip it on. Oh, that’s nice! A shiver runs down my spine.

“Like that, do ya?” she says with a grin.

“Yeah, I’ve got to admit it is really nice.”

“That should help with your nipples getting sore, as to the aches in your breasts, a bra would help. You’re going through a growing phase and there isn’t going to be a whole lot you can do but any support that you give them will help some.”

“A bra!? No way, I can’t wear a bra. Oh, this just gets better and better.”

“He he, now I know what to get you for your birthday: some nice lingerie.”

“Grrr!”

Just then we hear Mom as she comes into the house. “Kids?” she calls out.

“Oh crap,” I say, “where’s my shirt?”

“Down here, Mom. Quick, go into my bathroom and wash your face and get your shirt on.”

“Hey, sweetie. Is Alex around?”

“Hey, Mom, yeah, he’s just in the bathroom right now.”

“Okay. Say do you kids want pizza or Thai tonight? I’m too tired to do much more than that.”

I come back into the room. “Hey, Mom, how was your day?”

“Great, honey, I was just asking your sister if she wanted pizza or Thai for dinner, I’m too pooped to cook. Oh and your father won’t be home until late again, and your brothers are over at the Marshall’s house getting ready for some big scouting event, so it’ll be just the three of us.”

“I vote for Thai but pizza would work, too.”

Ellen says, “Thai sounds good.”

“Okay then, Thai it is. I’ll just go up and change then place the order. Alex, I have some boxes in the car, could you bring them into the study for me?”

“Sure thing, Mom.”

I run on out to get the boxes. Mom is coming down the stairs as I bring the last box in. She’s giving me a funny look. It seems as if she is about to say something when the phone rings. I put it from my mind and take the box into the study.

After moving the boxes, I go into the kitchen to talk with Mom.

“So, hon, how was your day? Did you get all of your assignments done?” she asks.

“Yes they’re all done. In fact I should be done with all of the assignments by this Monday, maybe sooner.”

“Wow, I knew that you were pushing ahead but I didn’t realize just how far you had gotten–sorry about that. It’s just that I have been so busy since we moved trying to get everything settled that I’ve been neglecting you and your studies.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom. I know you’ve been busy and the workbooks are really kinda easy so it’s no problem.”

“Well, I still feel like I’ve been neglecting you and I’m sorry, honey.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, it’s okay, I understand.”

“You’ve seemed kind of down lately. Is everything okay? Are you upset about us moving again?”

“Oh I’m okay. I guess that it’s just kinda hard moving all of the time. I also miss Robbyn. It was nice to have a friend to hang around with all of the time.”

“Well, no more moves until you graduate. That’s something your father and I feel very strongly about. You need these years in high school to be stable. It’s an important time in a young person’s life. You’ll make some new friends too, and you can always give her a call. Lord knows the two of you were on the phone all of the time when we first moved out here.”

“Yeah, but she and her folks went off to Europe for vacation over the summer. That’s why we haven’t talked recently. They’re going to be gone all summer then school will start and we’ll hardly have time then, too.”

Ellen comes into the kitchen, grabs two sodas and tosses me one.

“Hey, after dinner I’m going to run out to the mall for a bit. Anyone want to join me?”

Mom said, “I can’t, hon, got too much I need to finish tonight.”

I say, “Thanks, not tonight.”

“Come on, Alex, I could use the company.”

Mom said, “Alex, you haven’t gone out since we moved here. It’ll do you some good.”

“Oh, all right”

Before the Thai food arrives, I go up to my room to wash up and realize that I never re-bound my chest. Oh god, that was close. Thank god I have my sweatshirt on or Mom might have noticed. I grab a new bandage and bind things back up.

After dinner, Ellen and I are driving out to the mall, when I notice that we’re going the wrong way.

“Hey, I thought that the mall was the other direction.”

“Well, the nearest one is. I wanted to check out some of the stores in the mall south of here. It’s not that much further.”

“Okay. Now tell me, why were you so insistent that I come with you on your little expedition. You know that I don’t like going out where there are crowds.”

“I thought that we could continue our conversation from earlier. Also there is something that I want to get for you.”

“Me? What is it?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see. Now tell me, what’s bugging you the most about what’s happening?”

Letting out a snort I reply, “What isn’t bugging me? One, I am a fifteen-year-old boy, or near enough. As said fifteen-year-old boy, I should not be ‘A,’ growing a set of knockers and ‘B,’ like dressing up in girls’ clothes. I mean, nothing about this situation is ‘normal’ by any stretch of the imagination! It feels like I’m caught between two worlds and I’m neither fish nor fowl. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, okay, calm down. I’m here to help. I can certainly understand why you’ve been acting differently and why Mom and Dad are worried about you.”

“What? Mom and Dad have been talking about me?”

“Don’t worry, they’ve noticed that you’ve been acting more withdrawn and dressing differently and they asked me if I knew what was wrong. I told them that I’d see if I couldn’t find out what was going on.”

“Hey, you promised me you weren’t going to tell them.”

“I did promise you and I intend to keep my promise. You’re going to tell them, but only after we figure out the best way and make sure you are ready. But we need to do this soon for your sake. If you wait too long, promise or not, I will tell them.

“I can’t imagine the stress you are going through, but I’m here for you and I am going to help you, no matter what you decide.”

With a sniffle I say, “Thanks, sis, you don’t know how much that means to me. I’ve felt so confused and so alone these past few months. I really do appreciate your help.”

“Okay then, so tell me, do you really still like girls’ clothes?”

“Well yeah, I guess I do. You know, back when we used to do it all of the time, I really liked it. I didn’t feel like a boy dressing up as a girl. It just felt normal to dress that way and play with my sister.

“Then Dad caught us. You know, Mom and Dad didn’t get mad, but they certainly let me know in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t to dress up again. I haven’t. In all of these years since then, I haven’t. Well, until recently that is.”

“What? When?”

“Well, you know my friend Robbyn? Well, she thought I was a girl.”

I proceed to tell Ellen all about how I met Robbyn and how our friendship grew, and how just before we moved here, I told Robbyn my secret.

“So she’d want to do some dressing up and eventually, I stopped fighting it. I mean I still like the feel of soft, silky fabrics, I always have. I have got to tell you, this camisole feels so nice. But no matter how much I may have wanted to, how much I’ve missed it, I had always stopped myself, well until recently that is.

“I’ve tried so hard to be a proper boy. I’ve tried to work out and get muscles, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve got no definition at all, well not much, anyway. I’ve tried to do the ‘boy’ sports, but I’m just not built to do most of them. I’ve been too small. I mean, look at the twins, they’re almost two years younger and both of them are twice my size, or they were until I got this growth spurt, but that will change once they get theirs, I’m sure.

“I can do swimming and running and I’m pretty good at them, but the contact sports, well just forget them. I just don’t like them.

“When I got this growth spurt, I was really hopeful that finally I would start looking like a boy and not a ‘tomboy’ girl. Then just when I was sure things were finally looking up, bam! Tits, I start to develop tits!

“I’ve got to tell you that I’ve been in some serious denial over this. I mean, how can I be developing breasts? This is just not normal.”

“That’s all the more reason to tell Mom and Dad. You need to get checked out by a doctor.”

“Yeah, I know that and I will, promise. It’s just so hard to talk about this, especially to them. I mean, how do I tell them that their son is some sort of freak?”

“Now you just stop that! You are not a freak. Something is going on with your body that may be unusual, but that does not make you a freak. I don’t want to hear you talking about yourself that way.”

“Okay, okay. But this is really hard to deal with.

“You know what else sucks about all of this? I can’t go swimming and my Parkour makes my chest hurt.”

Giggling, Ellen says, “Well if you want to go swimming, I might have a cute little two piece that you can borrow.”

“Hey, cut that out!”

Smiling she says, “Sorry, just couldn’t resist.

“Here we are, now you can see me at my favorite sport, professional shopping!!”

Grinning, I say, “I hear that they’re thinking of adding it to the next Olympics.”

“I’d take the gold every time.”

So Ellen and I start at one end of this small mall and start working our way to the other end. Let me tell you, watching my sister shop is amazing. She can spot a bargain in a heartbeat and is even able to convince some of the stores to discount things further.

Me? I don’t like malls. I think I’ve mentioned that I don’t like hanging around large crowds, they make me really nervous. I am not looking forward to starting high school next year. It is certainly going to tax my nerves and that’s if I can get my body to behave itself and develop normally. Ugh, life is so unfair.

By the time we make it to the other end of the mall, I’m exhausted and Ellen just looks like she is warming up. We eventually make our way back to the car.

“Now I know why you wanted me along, you needed a pack mule. How can one person buy so much?”

“Ha, ha. This isn’t anything. You should see me when I’m really shopping!”

Collapsing in the front seat, I dramatically plead, “Home?”

“Yeah, yeah, we can go home, ya big wimp.”

“Oh, thank goodness.”

When we get home, I help Ellen lug all of her bags downstairs.

Ellen asks, “Did you have fun?”

“I don’t know if I would go that far, but it was different. In any case, it gave us the chance to hang out together. I sure have missed you while you were out here. I’m so glad we made the move to join you.”

“So am I. I’ve really missed you, too.”

“Well, I’m for bed. Night, sis.”

“Night, sleep well.”

Going upstairs, I stop by my Mom’s office and stick my head in, “Night, Mom.”

“Night, honey. Did you and your sister have fun?”

“Yeah, we did.”

“That’s good, sweetheart, it’s nice to see that you two are so close. Well, you sleep well.”

“You too, Mom, night.”

I then go upstairs and get ready for bed. Just as I’m beginning to fall asleep, I remember that Ellen said she was going to get me something but she never gave it to me. I couldn’t even think of what it could be as we were together all of the time. Well, except in the changing rooms. Hmm. Oh well, she probably forgot.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson