Catwalk Confidence by Connie Alexander Copyright  © 2010 Connie Alexander You spend your entire life thinking you’re just like any other boy, when you suddenly find out you aren’t, trying to adjust can be difficult.

Part 11

Journal Entry: February 20^th

It was soon after my first and only official outing dressed as a girl, that Robbyn and I got into our routine. I would go over to her house and she’d get a chance to play ‘Barbie Doll’ with a real live doll. Not that I’m a doll or anything, I was just saying…oh never mind.

Robbyn would dress me up and sometimes she would get pretty carried away with the outfits. I did learn a lot but we never went out again with me in full girl dress. I just couldn’t get the nerve up and besides, with me moving away, we wanted to spend better quality time together.

It was funny sometimes trying on her clothes. Our waist is the same, but Robbyn has curves: her hips are a bit bigger and her bust is quite a bit bustier (is that a word?). Anyway, when I would put on one of her short skirts, it was REALLY short on me and some of her tops just didn’t hang right on me unless I added some padding. Forget me trying on any of her slacks or pants, they were just too short.

One time I have on her leather mini-skirt, fishnet hose, real high heels (just a bit too tight for me), bright red satin blouse tied below my bust with heavily stuffed bra and this exotic makeup job. I look like twenty bucks and a dark corner would buy you a good time. Well, I’m dancing and camping it up to the music on the radio, Robbyn is laughing her butt off and then her mom opens the door on us. I could have died. There I am looking like some type of hooker and dancing like I’m up on a stage waiting for dollars to be stuffed in my bra, Robbyn is whooping it up, and her mom walks in. Naturally my back is to the door so I don’t stop and Robbyn, being the brat she is, doesn’t tell me her mom is there so I keep dancing.

Well the song ends and I immediately say to Robbyn, “So sailor, do you want that lap dance now or do you just want to go back to my place?” The sound of Robbyn’s mother trying not to laugh and really not succeeding finally clues me in that we’re no longer alone.

I spin around too quickly and fall off the damned heels, land on my butt and then come close to bursting into flames from embarrassment.

As I try to crawl under Robbyn’s bed, her mother lets us know that she’s running out for a bit and that we’ll have dinner when she gets back.

She leaves, I crawl back out from under the bed and Robbyn is convulsing on top of her bed still laughing her ass off. Her face is all red and tears are streaming down her face. I pick up her overstuffed panda bear and proceed to beat her with it.

Dinner that night with her mom is a very embarrassing thing. Fortunately, she has the good grace not to say anything. She does smile a lot, though, and it is all Robbyn can do to not break out in full-blown laughter again; instead she just giggles her way thru dinner–brat.

End Journal Entry

Yesterday, when I was over at Robbyn’s and we were up in her room, Robbyn asked, “Alex?”

I was concentrating on applying nail polish to Robbyn’s toenails. “Hum?”

“What was it like?”

“Hum? What was what like?”

“Kissing that boy, Sam.”

“Oh I told you, I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.”

“Okay then, but what was it like?”

“I don’t know really. He surprised me and besides, I was awful sick at the time. Analyzing the kiss was the last thing on my mind that night. Why?”

“I’ve never kissed anyone before. Have you? I mean, besides that time with Sam.”

“No, I never have. It’s not like I’ve ever had the opportunity before. Just as I start to really notice that girls are so much different from boys, then I start to turn into one. Besides, I’ve never had someone that I could try it with.”

“Well...”

“What?”

“There’s me.”

I look at Robbyn and she blushes and drops her head, hiding behind her hair.

My heart is beginning to race a bit but I’m not really sure I understand her.

“What do you mean, Robbyn?”

Shyly, Robbyn says, “Well, I just figured that since neither one of us have actually kissed anyone before, well, maybe we could try it together?”

“Oh. Oh! Ah, yeah, that would be, I mean ah, sure we could ah, you know, um kiss. Ah, are you sure? I mean, you’re so beautiful and you could really kiss anyone you wanted to and me, well...”

“Hey! You’re beautiful too, and I’d really like to have my first kiss be with you. You’re my best friend and I love you.”

“Oh, Robbyn! I love you too.”

I go to give her a hug and almost spill the nail polish. We start to giggle at each other and that helps to break the tension.

“We gotta wait until your nails dry or we’ll get polish everywhere.”

It seems to me that this time the polish takes forever to dry. Eventually it does and we both are sitting side-by-side on her bed trying to figure out just how we’re going to manage this first kiss.

Awkwardly we lean into each other and so very lightly touch our lips to each other. Since lighting didn’t strike us or the world stop spinning, we manage a second, bolder kiss, then a third.

I have closed my eyes, and even after we stop, I can still feel the presence of her lips on mine.

“Wow,” she says.

“Yeah,” I squeak, “That was nice.”

“Real nice, so you liked it?”

“Oh did I, and you?”

Robbyn answers me by giving me another kiss.

Zowie! This could get habit forming.

We do learn the proper need for lip balm. Our lips soon get real dry. We end up making a guessing game by having one person guess the flavor of the lip-balm or gloss the other was wearing. This is lots of fun.

The downside to this first experimental make out session is red puffy lips. That’s how much we kiss. We do discover that frozen fruit pops help take the swelling down.

Journal Entry: February 25^th

Oh my god, I get my first kiss and all I can say is, “WOW.” Robbyn and I decide to do a little experimenting and our favorite pastime changes from trying on clothes to making out.

When we kiss, I get all woggley inside. Thank goodness we’re sitting or my knees would have given out.

I can’t say how much I care for Robbyn, she is just so super. Instead of wanting to move, I’m starting to dread when we do. I’m going to miss her so much.

End Journal Entry

Over the next few weeks before my Mom and I left for California, I spent all of my free time with Robbyn and we in turn spent most of our time together learning about kissing.

Sometimes you read in a story about a kiss that makes you curl your toes. I always thought that was a figure of speech. I was wrong.

There was one time that Robbyn and I were kissing on her bed. We had graduated from the chaste, pursed lip kiss to full-blown, open-mouthed, French kissing. We had also discovered that light kisses to the face and neck drove both of us absolutely up the wall.

Anyway, we are deep in this make out session, passionately kissing and our hands are lightly caressing each other, when my body starts to tingle and I’m aware of my toes actually curling. Both of us are making little mewling sounds and our combined breath is coming in short little gasps.

Suddenly it feels like all of my nerves are beginning to fire all at the same time and we’re both holding each other tighter than we have ever held each other before. It’s fortunate that our mouths are covering each other’s, as we both let out a squeal.

Eventually, we settle down and are able to catch our breaths.

“Oh my. Robbyn, what the heck was that!?”

“I have no idea but it was the best thing I’ve ever had happen to me.”

“Yeah, me too. Wow.”

“Oh, um, I’ll be right back.”

With that, Robbyn gets up and quickly goes into the bathroom. While she’s gone, I just lie back and enjoy the tingling sensation I’m feeling all over my body, but especially centered on my breasts and in my groin. Talk about feeling all woggley inside. I thought that the first time we kissed was great, but this? Holy moly I’m still twitching.

When Robbyn gets back out, she asks, “What do you think happened?”

“I’m not sure, but I think we both might have had an orgasm.”

“Ya think? Wow. It was nice, wasn’t it?”

“Sure was. If that wasn’t one though, I can’t imagine how one could be much better. I almost passed out.”

“Me too.”

Soon we’re both giggling and trying to explain to each other what we felt.

Journal Entry: February 27^th

Life sucks. I think I’m going to get a tee shirt made up that says that, as well as a bumper sticker. At least my life does at the moment.

Last night I found out that Mom and I will be going out to California in a week and a half. If that isn’t bad enough, Robbyn found out that she and her folks will be spending the entire summer on vacation in Europe. They won’t be getting back until sometime in August, just before school starts.

Now I know what you’re going to say, ‘Well Alex, you’ve been saying all along that you can’t wait to move,’ and, ‘Alex a summer in Europe would be great, how can that be so bad?’

Well things have changed in the last couple of weeks. Robbyn and I have really become close friends and I love her so much. I know, I know, you’re just a kid, what do you know? I know that she’s my best friend. I know that I can talk about anything with her; what keeps me up at night and what shames me so badly that I can’t share it with anyone else. I know that none of that bothers her, and that she will never judge me, only love me. I know I’m going to miss her so much.

End Journal Entry

Journal Entry: February 28^th

Robbyn and I had a good cry yesterday but we decided that we’re going to make the best of our time together and also that we will remain friends forever. Nothing is going to change that.

Robbyn and I are up in her room again. We have just finished up our crying jag over me moving out to California and her going off to Europe for the summer.

“Oh, Alex, I’m really going to miss you.”

“Me too, Robbyn.”

“Hey, I know.” She gets up and starts to rummage around in her desk.

“What?”

“Ta-da!” and she holds up a small penknife.

“What’s that for?”

“Our oath.”

“What oath?”

“The oath we’re going to swear to always be there for each other, to always be friends, to always love each other no matter what.”

“What do we do?”

“Well, we’ll need to speak the words at the same time so, let’s figure this out. It’s going to be like a spell.”

“Okay.”

We sit there figuring out the words we’d say together. When we’re done, she takes her penknife and cuts her palm then hands me the knife.

Swallowing, I cut my palm and we clasp our hands together as we say, “Our blood mingled, two into one. Our hearts joined, two into one. Our souls bound, two into one. Our friendship and love to the end of time.”

With the final words we kiss, our hands still clasped tightly together, and something happens that I can’t describe but it is there. When our kiss finally breaks, we pull back a bit from each other and I realize that both of us are crying.

“Alex, did you feel it?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“It worked, our spell worked.” We’re both smiling now and then we’re laughing. We know that this separation is only temporary. We know that we will be together again.

End Journal Entry

Part 12

Journal Entry: March 9^th

It’s been a real whirlwind of a week and a half and Mom and I are now in California. Robbyn and I spent absolutely as much time together before I left as we could and when we said goodbye on Thursday, I didn’t think either one of us would stop crying.

Just before we say goodbye for the last time, Robbyn and I exchange gifts and to show you how in tune with each other we are, we get each other practically the same thing. I get her an Irish friendship ring and she gets me one, too. The one I get her is a delicate silver band with two hands holding the crowned heart. The one she gets me is a wider silver band with the design of the hands and crowned heart engraved on the band itself.

With a final hug and promises to not lose touch with each other, I return home and Dad drives Mom and me to the airport.

End Journal Entry

I’m in a real down mood for the entire flight and don’t start to come out of my funk until we’re about to land in San Francisco. At that point, I start to get excited about seeing Ellen again.

After we land and get our bags, Mom gives Ellen a call to come around and pick us up. Ellen has been waiting in the temporary parking lot for us to arrive. Five minutes later her little Honda pulls up and Ellen gets out and she and Mom are hugging. I’m dragging all of our luggage over to the car and when I get there, Ellen looks at me and doesn’t recognize me at first.

“Alex? Oh my god! You’ve grown so much. Geeze you’re taller than I am now. You look so different from just a couple of months ago.”

We quickly hug and load all of the bags into the trunk then take off to the house.

The work that Mom and Dad had done to the house has been done for a couple of weeks and Ellen is already moved into her place in the basement. It isn’t all that far from the airport so we’re pulling up into the driveway in almost no time.

The whole time on the drive to the house Ellen has been telling Mom all that she has done to get the house ready for us to move into. A few times, Ellen looks at me in the rear-view mirror and gives me a wink. I know that we’ll get our catching up after we get home.

We pull up to the house and all I can say is, “Wow.” The pictures that Mom sent back just don’t do it justice. The house is a kind of a cross between a mission style and a Mediterranean style with an adobe-type wall all around and red tiles on the roof.

One of the real good things about coming out here first with Mom is I get to check out which bedroom I’d like before my brothers get a chance.

We go on inside and drop our bags in the foyer, then Ellen gives us a tour, showing me everything for the first time, and Mom all of the changes that were done.

Mom and Dad’s bedroom is huge but the bedroom that Mom thought I’d like is quite a bit bigger than my old bedroom and it has its own bathroom attached. That is going to be so nice. The twins each have their own room with a bathroom in between that they’ll share.

I leave Mom and Ellen talking about some stuff that was done outside while I get my suitcases and take them upstairs to unpack. After that, I set up the airbed that I’ll be using until our furniture arrives.

I’m laying back listening to a new song from this new female artist on the radio. I didn’t hear the name of the song or who the artist was but it’s great. The song is just ending when Ellen comes into my room. The radio announcer says, “That was the new single release called ‘Intuition’ by a very promising new singer by the name of–”

“ALEX! Didn’t you hear me?”

“What?” I ask, taking off my headphones. Damn, hopefully I’ll get her name next time. She has a great voice.

“I said, grab your suit and let’s go for a swim. The water is great. Come on.”

Now there’s no way I can take a swim, not the way I am. “Um, Ellen, ah I don’t think so. I’m still a bit tired from the plane ride.”

“Well at least throw on some shorts and a tank top and join us outside. Geeze, you look like you’re wearing dad’s clothes and I’m surprised you aren’t boiling to death as covered up as you are.”

“Yeah, well I’ll be down in just a bit.”

“Okay, but hurry. We ordered some takeout. It’s dinner time for you and Mom and lunchtime for me.” With a quick smile she turns and leaves.

I go over to the closet and grab a pair of shorts, a small tank top and one of my larger tee shirts. Taking everything with me, I go into the bathroom for a quick shower and to change.

I take my clothes off and unwrap the bandage from around my chest. I stand in front of the mirror trying to rub some of the wrinkles out of my poor, abused skin while examining how I’ve developed.

My breasts seem to be getting bigger every day. I’m not nearly as big as Robbyn but taking a guess, I think I might be getting close to how big Ellen and Mom are.

I get into the shower and let the warm water soothe my sore chest. I know I need to tell everyone what’s happening soon, if for no other reason because it hurts so damned much binding these puppies. I just wish I knew how everyone would react.

I finish up my shower and dry off. Taking up my bandage again I realize that I need to switch it out as this one is getting a bit ripe. I quickly grab another bandage from my bag, re-bind my chest and finish dressing. The small tank top helps hide things too, so after double-checking to make sure that I look okay, I wash out the other bandage and hang it in the shower to dry.

I re-check myself in the mirror and I realize that I’m not going to be able to keep my secret a secret for much longer, anyhow. Right now, binding my chest makes me look like I’m developing chest muscles, but at the rate they’re growing, even binding them won’t help for too much longer.

Crap. Well hopefully I can figure something out soon. Maybe I can break it to Ellen first. She’ll be able to help me tell Mom and Dad.

I go on downstairs and join Mom and Ellen in the kitchen just as the takeout food arrives.

Journal Entry: March 26^th

Okay, I know. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote here. Things have been kind of crazy, and I’ve hardly seen Mom or Ellen because they were constantly on the go trying to get everything ready before Dad, the twins and the movers got out here.

I’ll fill you in on all of the move in just a minute. Before I get to that I realize I haven’t given my latest stats in awhile, mostly because I’m still in denial over all of this. Well anyway, I’m now about 5’9” tall, maybe a bit taller and almost 115 pounds. You’d think I’d weigh a lot more considering how much I eat. I’m constantly hungry. To continue, my breastline, bust size, whatever seems to be 32 inches if I’m measuring things right. As to what the cup size is, well I still can’t figure that out. My hair is long: it goes past my shoulders and is crazy thick. I think I’ll need to have something done with it soon. Right now, I just keep it braided in a ponytail.

Now as to what all has been going on since my last entry. The movers ended up here before Dad and the twins because Dad’s car broke down just outside Salt Lake City and it took a bit of time to get it fixed.

That meant that when the truck got here it was up to Mom, Ellen and I to help with the unloading. Fortunately, the movers took care of most of the lifting, but we still had to shift things around and put together beds and such. I had to work with some of the worst stomach cramps I’ve ever had. Fortunately, it only lasted for a few days but it was no fun while it did. Mom said that I’ve been getting these stomach problems far too often for her comfort and if I get them again, we’ll have to go in and have it looked into. That is something I really do not want to happen, at least not until I can tell Mom and Dad.

Just when we got the lion’s share of the work done, Dad and the twins show up. We’re convinced that they did it on purpose to get out of helping. Dad swears it was all an accident but the twins keep laughing so I have my doubts.

Anyhow, things are beginning to get on a normal footing around here, or at least as normal as this household ever gets. The twins are already joined up with the local scout troop and I’ve already told them that if they try anything like they did with Sam, I’d strangle them.

We’ve hardly seen Dad as he’s been busy trying to catch up on his work and the same goes with Mom. I’m pretty far ahead in my schoolwork so I’ve been helping the twins with theirs.

Robbyn and I have been talking every night until we’re kicked off the phone. At least we were until she and her folks left for Europe. I really miss her. It’s going to take forever for August to get here when they get back.

On a brighter note, I did find a spot that looks great for my Parkour. There’s this abandoned industrial complex about two miles away that it looks like they’re going to tear down at some point. There’s a gap in the fence that I am able to get thru and between the parking garage and the adjacent buildings, it ought to be a blast. I did a walk thru yesterday to lay out my route and will give it a shot soon.

That’s about it for now. Oh, one more thing–and it was driving me crazy until I got my computer set up and I could look the information up. There’s this new song that just came out called ‘Intuition’ and I kept missing the name of the artist. It turns out the singer is a girl named Sarah Carerra and she has a great voice. I’m trying to find out if she has an album out yet or not. Tonight I’m going back on the web and check out some of the fan sites I saw.

Okay, that really is it for now.

End Journal Entry

Author’s Note: Special thanks to Megan Campbell for letting me mention her great character, Sarah Carerra. If you haven’t read her story yet, please do, it’s really, really good.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson