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Part 8

Journal Entry: February 8^th

I’ve got to say that this past weekend has been one of the most emotionally-draining weekends of my life.

I am so confused by how my life is going right now. I need to find some answers. I don’t know what to do about what is happening to my body. I really want to talk to someone but I’m too scared to.

I want us to move so I can get away from so many people thinking I’m a girl.

Yes, Sam called me again today–several times in fact. I’m beginning to wonder what the stalking laws in this state are.

Then there’s Robbyn. I really like her. I mean I really, really like her. But she thinks I’m a girl, too. The first time in my life I think I’ve found a true friend, and I can’t tell her my fears or ask her advice.

If I tell her the truth, she won’t want to see me again. Yet I think I’d be willing to maintain this charade so we could remain friends, but that won’t happen because we’re going to be moving clear across the country. Argh!

Oh, I don’t know. I guess I’ll just go with the flow for the next few weeks before we move. Hopefully Robbyn won’t find out that I’m not a girl, although the chances of her finding out are getting bigger and bigger. It seems that our moms have taken to each other and are forming their own friendship. I figure it’s only a matter of time before my true gender comes up then ‘splat’ as the proverbial doo doo hits the proverbial fan.

It’s a wonder I’m not bald by now given how much I tend to pull my hair. Maybe that’s why it’s gotten so long.

Anyway, Robbyn called this evening and we’ll be getting together on Wednesday. Hopefully it will be a quiet meeting. I’m all over having the drama for awhile.

End Journal Entry

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Journal Entry: February 9^th

Well nothing much happened today except I went back to the mall to get some more of the clothes Mom wanted me to get.

I can’t tell you how nervous I was. I kept expecting to have Robbyn jump out and drag me into the junior miss department and force me into dresses.

Then the more I worried about that, the more I started to think that maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I can’t begin to tell you how thoroughly messed up and confused I feel.

There was one point that I almost talked myself into going back into the Lady Footlocker for another running outfit–I chickened out.

It seems like my mind is getting as mixed up as my body. I really don’t know what to do any more.

I did decide one thing though: I decided that I really wanted my friendship with Robbyn to work and even survive me moving away. Hopefully I can get up the nerve to tell her the truth about me and she will still want to be friends. If our friendship is to be, then I know I’ll have to tell her the truth. I’m just so scared.

We’ll see.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 10^th

Robbyn and I get together over at her house and surprisingly it is a relatively quiet time.

We primarily talk about our likes and dislikes and they are very similar. For instance, we both love closing the door to our room and cranking the stereo and singing and dancing to the music.

The difference between us is I can’t carry a tune in a bucket and she has the voice of an angel.

I ask her why she bothers with the beauty pageants when she has a voice that is as good as or better than any you hear on the radio. She figures that she has a better chance with the pageants over a singing career.

I find out that she wants to be the physicist that discovers the secret to cold fusion and she learns that I will probably be a starving artist. I just don’t really know what I want to do yet, and I’m not sure how I can make a living out of the things I enjoy. Hopefully I can figure it out in the next few years.

We talk about the other night and how I reacted to seeing what she had done.

When she asks again why I fainted, I tell her, “I’m not really sure why. It was a shock, I mean, I’ve never had makeup on before and I just looked so different.”

“You’ve never played with makeup? I thought that every girl had by the time she was our age.”

“Well, not me. I was always interested in other things.”

She then says, “I know you were upset about everything the other night and I’m sorry. I tend to go overboard on things a lot. I hope you’re not mad at me.”

“Robbyn, I’m not mad, not at all. I was shocked, that’s all. Um, in fact, ah, maybe you can show me some of what you did, sometime.”

I really can’t believe that I said that.

Robbyn’s response is to squeal, clap her hands and jump up and give me a hug.

That makes it worth it, right there.

So the next time we get together, I’m going to get a lesson in how to apply makeup. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a cliff to jump off.

I suppose it won’t be too bad and maybe I can maintain some sort of control of this whole thing.

We have a pretty quiet evening and then I go home. Robbyn is busy for the rest of the week so, we’ll get together this weekend.

End Journal Entry

Part 9

Journal Entry: February 13^th

I’m just re-reading what I wrote in my last entry and my oh my, I’m still laughing over what I said. Me? Maintain control? HA!

So, Robbyn and I got together again today.

After I took care of my chores, I tell Mom that I’m going over to Robbyn’s and she says that it’s fine.

Since Wednesday I’ve been struggling with an idea and you’ll be proud that I didn’t chicken out. Oh, I can tell you’re all aquiver wanting to know just what I did. Well, you know that running outfit that Robbyn talked me into getting? Well, I’m wearing it. Ta-da!

What I did is put on my regular running clothes over it and when I’m out of sight of the house, I just take the outer layer off and put the clothes into my pack.

I gotta say that it is real comfortable to run in. I suppose I should have had a bra but I don’t and I couldn’t wear the ace bandage. I thought that for the short run to Robbyn’s house that it would be okay. Physically it isn’t too bad–I’m a little sore, but generally okay.

There is another problem that I discover: my nipples pop up when I run. Apparently the rubbing from my top makes them do it. I don’t realize it until I’m at Robbyn’s, and she mentions my lack of bra again.

Can you say, “embarrassed?” I nearly die. Robbyn just laughs at me and tells me to get a bra. Yeah, easy for her to say.

So tonight, I learn some of the basics of putting on makeup. I’m finding that the concept is far easier than the reality. I have no idea that there are so many different types of makeup. Robbyn, I think, has them all.

Did you know that there is makeup that won’t reveal its color until it’s mixed? And the application methods! Robbyn has nearly as many brushes as I have, and I have a ton of brushes. There are also sponges, airbrushes, trowels, shovels and backhoes. I was half-expecting a John Deere tractor to show up to put on the final touches.

Well, I find out that applying makeup is like art and I am picking it up real fast. I think Robbyn is impressed with how fast I’m learning it.

I still can’t get over how different I look with makeup on. I mean, I’m still me, but it’s like the makeup refines the feminine and erases what little maleness I have. Maybe that’s the point. I don’t know but I’m surprised that that prospect doesn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought it should.

Am I really turning into a girl? Am I coming to terms with that if I am?

I don’t have the answers and I sure wish I did. I do so want to tell Mom. I also want to tell Robbyn because she’s my best and only friend and she should know, and Mom because I really need her help on this.

It’s like I’m lost in the woods and I know that the only way out is to ask her help. I’m just scared of what her and Dad’s reaction is going to be.

Yuck, enough of this, back to the makeup lesson.

Robbyn and I play with different looks. It’s amazing what just a minor change in shading or color can do to your ‘look.’ I know this from my artwork of course, but somehow I just never thought of it in the context of makeup application.

Once I start looking at it from an artistic perspective, my confidence and skill grow rapidly. By the end of the evening, I feel like I have been doing this for years. Robbyn is shocked–let me tell you–actually, so am I.

There’s still an awful lot that I need to learn, and when it comes to girl stuff, Robbyn looks to be the best teacher I could have.

All too soon, it’s time for me to go home. Robbyn and I promise to get together again tomorrow, and maybe take in a movie.

So off I go and I’m almost home when I realize that I need to put my other clothes on. I can’t believe that I almost forget!

I’m thinking that I’m going to try Band-Aids over my nipples next time I go out. That might help the rubbing, and is worth a try at least.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: February 14^th

If I hadn’t mentioned it before, this whole girl thing is really messing with my head. Seriously, one minute I’m in a total panic about changing into a girl, and the next minute I seem to be embracing it. I really don’t know what’s happening to me.

Take today for example. When I first got up and was thinking about what happened with Robbyn yesterday, it initially depressed me. Then Mom asks if Robbyn and I still have plans for a movie, and that if we do, she will plan on a late dinner.

I tell Mom that it is still on and go upstairs to give Robbyn a call to firm up the arrangements. I’m still a bit depressed about the whole thing, but soon Robbyn and I are talking and her excitement catches hold of me, and then the next thing I know, I’m wondering if I should ask Robbyn for a bit of makeup to wear to the movie!

See what I mean? It’s really hard to put into words but there are times that I both dread and look forward to what is happening to me at the same time. It’s crazy but true.

Before I leave for Robbyn’s house, I once again try to talk with Mom. As you probably guessed, I chicken out. Instead, I ask about the move and the now-depressing answer is that Mom and I are driving out in two weeks. If I’m going to tell Robbyn, I have that long to do it.

It’s now time for me to get ready to go on over to Robbyn’s house. We are going to meet up there, have lunch and then her mom is going to run us over to the mall.

So, I go and take my shower. While in there, I wash my new running outfit and I’m hoping that I can dry it with my hair drier. It works, but it takes forever. I put a Band-Aid over each nipple to try to keep them under control, and then dress in my running outfit with my boy clothes over it.

I yell a fast goodbye to Mom and head out the door quickly, because without the bandage binding my chest, it’s easy to tell that I have breasts. Two blocks away, I take off the boy clothes and stuff them into my pack and jog the rest of the way to Robbyn’s house.

Mrs. Anderson greets me at the door and says, “Why hello, Alex. That’s a very nice running outfit you have on today.”

Feeling a bit embarrassed I reply, “Thank you, Mrs. Anderson.” I’m then rescued by Robbyn who immediately takes me up to her room.

Once up in her room, I begin to feel like I should have stayed downstairs with her mom, being embarrassed. Robbyn immediately quizzes me on my attire.

“So, is that what you’re going to wear to the movie?”

“Um, no, I have a pair of jeans and a shirt in my pack.”

Robbyn takes my pack from my hands and pulls out my clothes. “You’re going to wear these?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with them?”

“Just about everything. Here, let’s do this right. Follow me,” and she leads me into her bathroom.

“Take your shoes and socks off and sit on the edge of the tub.”

Not really knowing what she has in mind, I hesitantly do as she asks. Robbyn then proceeds to rub a thick lotion all over my legs from about mid-thigh down to my ankles. The lotion has a strong orange odor to it, but it also has a sharp chemical smell that the orange scent doesn’t completely cover.

When I ask what she’s doing, Robbyn just says, “Hush, I’m thinking.” She then tells me that she’ll be right back and goes back into her room. Robbyn is gone for about five minutes and when she returns, she has a bunch of clothes with her.

As I sit on the edge of the tub, Robbyn looks at me, then mumbles to herself and sorts thru the clothes she has and then does it again. This goes on for about ten minutes, and all the while, my legs start to tingle and kind of itch in an odd way. I finally interrupt Robbyn’s musings to tell her and she instructs me to swing my legs into the tub and rinse the lotion off.

To say that I’m shocked to see my legs completely bare of all hair would be an understatement.

“Robbyn! All of my hair fell out!”

“Oh good, that’s much better.”

“Good? Better? How can you say that? It all just fell out!”

“Of course, silly, what did you expect?”

Well I just stand there with my mouth opening and closing without any sound being made. I expect that I closely resemble a stranded fish. After a few seconds of this, I start to both laugh and cry at the same time. It’s not real easy to do, but I manage it.

This whole time, Robbyn just stands there with her head cocked to one side and a puzzled expression on her face. I finally manage to get myself under some control and still slightly giggling and sobbing to myself, I ask Robbyn what she’s up to.

“Well you just can’t go in what you brought with you so I thought that you could wear something of mine but it can’t be pants because your legs are much longer than mine, damn it, so I thought either a skirt or shorts and since it’s either a skirt or shorts, then you just have to have smooth legs so what is it going to be, a skirt or shorts because either would look absolutely fab on you and even more so if your legs were a bit more tan and that can be taken care of with a good bronzer but not today since I don’t have any at the moment so what do you think?”

Somewhere in there I think I’m lost, so my only response is an unintelligent “What?”

One heavy sigh and an eye roll later, Robbyn answers, “A skirt or shorts, silly. Which one or should I pick?”

“Pick?”

“Okay then, although I think a skirt would look best but maybe we should go with the shorts instead. NO! I have the perfect thing!” and off she dashes back into her room.

If you are wondering what my expression is during all of this, just look into a mirror then have someone slap you in the back of the head with a board. That will come pretty close.

I dazedly follow Robbyn back into her room. She’s rummaging around in her closet and finally lets out a triumphant, “Ah ha!” Turning around she holds in one hand a hanger that in turn holds what looks like a square of white denim and in the other, a hanger that has a blue shirt on it.

“Ta-da!” she lets out with a smile.

My response is, “You’ll look very nice in that.”

“Ugh, they’re not for me, silly, this is for you to wear.” After this, she tosses them to me and turns back to her closet. “I have what I’m going to wear right here.”

Well, I just stand there stunned, holding the clothes and looking over what she tossed me. As I say, the shirt, blouse, whatever, is easy enough to identify, while the other seems to be a combination of a skirt and shorts.

When I finally look up to ask Robbyn just what she expects me to do with these, I notice that she is standing in front of her closet wearing nothing but her panties!

I quickly turn away but the image is burned into my brain–boy oh boy. My face feels like it is about to burst into flames and I think I’m hyperventilating.

“Um, R-Rob-byn?” I squeak.

“Don’t just stand there, change. I want to see how they fit.”

“Ra-Ra-Robbyn? Ch-change? I, I can’t, n-not h-here!”

“Oh for heaven’s sake, you are a silly one, you know that?”

With that, she takes my arm and leads me to the bathroom. I’m trying to look and not look at the same time, then she shoves me in and closes the door after stating quite firmly, “Now change!”

Okay, now what do I do? I mean these are girls’ clothes! I can’t wear girls’ clothes. I know the running outfit is girls’ clothes too, but they’re enough like regular boy clothes that I can kind of pretend. Okay, maybe not, but I feel like I can, but these? These are real clothes, I mean real girl clothes. It, it’s a b-blouse and a, a skirt or at least it looks like a skirt even if it’s really shorts, and if I wear that, everyone will think I’m wearing a skirt and not shorts and even if they think I’m wearing shorts they’d be girl shorts and...

The babbling goes on in my head for some time until Robbyn knocks on the door demanding to know what’s taking me so long.

“Hold on, hold on,” oh geeze, why does this always happen to me? I try to be good. I help kittens cross the road; I get little old ladies out of trees. So why me?

As I continue to babble to myself, I’m pulling off my top and putting the top Robbyn gave me on. I’m having difficulty as the buttons are all on the wrong side! Damn, damn, damn.

After managing to get the top on right, my attention turns to the shorts/skirt thingy. Now the running shorts that I have on are too tight for me to wear underwear with, but also tight enough to hold all of my boy parts tucked away. I think that I can wear this skirt thingy over them and try it on.

I’m in a complete daze as I try to figure out how this thing goes on. I finally find the tag and slip my legs in and pull it on up. The fit is rather snug and I have a bit of trouble pulling up the side zipper and getting the waist snapped.

I get everything put together and look down at myself. Crap, this is one short skirt, shorts. Whatever it is, it’s damned short.

Robbyn knocks on the door again telling me to hurry.

My reply is, “I can’t wear this, it’s too small for me.”

Robbyn’s reply is to open the door and see for herself. Damn, I forgot to lock the door.

“It looks fine. See, I told you it would. Now get out here.” She grabs my hand and pulls me back into her room.

“Robbyn, I don’t know about this.”

“What? You look great. Now your tennis shoes would work, but I think I have something better.” At that, she turns back to her closet and starts rummaging around on the floor.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to see if I can pull the hem any lower and am trying real hard not to have a panic attack. I’m not having much luck with either one.

With an exclamation of triumph, Robbyn emerges with a pair of white sandals.

I finally have to sit down on her makeup bench because I’m beginning to feel light headed. I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing and I don’t even notice Robbyn putting the sandals on my feet until she says, “There,” and pats my leg.

I open my eyes and see Robbyn kneeling at my feet smiling up at me. I can’t help but smile back. Here is someone who truly is my friend. All she wants to do is help me. It amazes me that I feel so close to her this fast. I know that I’m going to do everything I can to keep this friendship.

Robbyn asks me if I’m okay and I smile at her and say I’m fine. “But don’t you think that this skirt shorts thingy is a bit too short?”

“It’s a skort and no, it isn’t too short. It covers more of you than your running shorts do so what’s the problem?”

“Well, the running shorts are different, I’m running in them. This, well, this is a skirt and I’ll just be hanging around and my legs are so, well I don’t know, exposed I guess.”

At this, Robbyn starts giggling and then laughing. I review what I have just said and can’t help but start to giggle myself. Suddenly I’m not so nervous and think that maybe I can survive this after all.

I start to get up when Robbyn tells me to stay put. “You need just a bit of makeup,” and before I can do or say anything, she has brushed a bit of blush on my cheeks and hands me some lip-gloss.

“There, you don’t need that much and that should do it. Besides, I don’t want you fainting on me again.”

At this, I stick my tongue out at her and get up. Robbyn tells me to wait and goes back to her closet. Gads, what now?

When she turns back, she has a wide belt in one hand and a small purse in the other.

“Okay, first, un-tuck the blouse and put the belt over it, it should look better. Second, here,” and she hands me the purse.

“What’s this for?” At her look I amend, “I know what it’s for, but why do I need it?”

“Well if you check closer, you’ll realize you don’t have any pockets. You need something to carry your money and makeup in.”

“Okay, but couldn’t you carry my money? And besides, I don’t have any makeup.”

“Why don’t you want to carry a purse?”

“Well, it’s just so, oh I don’t know, it’s so...okay, give me the purse.”

“Here, put this lip-gloss in there too.”

Sighing to myself, I do as she says and then we go downstairs.

We go into the kitchen to fix some lunch and as Robbyn pulls things out of the fridge, she hands them to me and I place them on the counter.

Soon we have all the fixings for ham and cheese sandwiches out and are beginning to make them when Mrs. Anderson asks from behind us if we could make her one too. Well, this obviously startles Robbyn and she lets out a little yelp and spills mustard on her top.

“Shit.”

“Robbyn Marie Anderson! Watch your language, young lady.”

“Sorry, mom, I just spilt mustard on my new blouse.”

“Well go take it off and get it soaking before the stain sets and get a new top on. Alex and I will finish making the sandwiches, and watch your language from now on.”

“Yes, mom. Sorry.”

So off she goes and I’m left alone with her mom. I’m trying to be invisible and hoping, maybe not rationally but still hoping, that she won’t notice what I’m wearing.

No such luck.

“That’s a nice outfit you’re wearing, Alex.”

“Um, thank you, Mrs. Anderson. Um, it’s Robbyn’s idea.”

“Well you look very nice in it. I’m glad to see you and Robbyn are getting along so well.”

“Oh she’s great, Mrs. Anderson. I’ve never had a friend like her before.”

“Well to tell you the truth, Robbyn hasn’t very many friends herself and I can’t tell you how very pleased I am that the two of you have gotten so close so fast.”

“You know, I was thinking about that too. It’s almost like we’ve known each other all our lives. I don’t make friends easily. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit shy. But with Robbyn it’s different. Anyway, I’m glad we met.”

“I am too, honey, just don’t let her bully you into doing things you don’t want to.”

“Oh I won’t, ma’am.” Now what does she mean by that?

We finish up making the sandwiches and by then Robbyn has returned.

We eat and talk about fashion. Well we eat and THEY talk about fashion. I don’t know the first thing about it. Ellen, on the other hand, would be right at home in this conversation.

At this, I’m reminded that in two weeks I’ll be leaving, and that I need to tell Robbyn about myself.

When we finish, we go out and Mrs. Anderson drives us to the mall.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson