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Catwalk Confidence
by Connie Alexander
You spend your entire life thinking you’re just like any other boy, when you suddenly find out you aren’t, trying to adjust can be difficult. |
Part 2
Journal Entry: November 1st
Well thank goodness Halloween is finally over. I tried to get out of going to the party. I just wanted to stay in my room. I certainly didn’t want to wear my costume, but Mom overruled me. I think the only way I could have gotten out of it was to tell her my fears. I just couldn’t make myself do that so I ended up going to the damned party.
It started out fun enough but then ended in disaster.
So I got all dressed up, I go downstairs and am beginning to feel good about things. The party is moving along and everyone is having a good time except when the little beard and mustache that Mom made up for me decides that it will no longer stay on. The glue we used seems to have been too old to work right. Okay, so maybe this can still work–nope, not with my luck anyway.
Now I think I mentioned that this party was for the twins’ scout troop. Well it was and never having met anyone from their troop, it just never occurred to me that there would be kids older than them or for that matter, older than me in the troop.
Well there are and one of them, a sixteen-year-old boy named Sam, came over to me and started talking. Now being really shy, I didn’t do much talking back and as he seemed nice, I didn’t leave him. That is until he told me how cute he thought I was! He thinks I’m a girl too!
Well I excused myself and ran up to my room, locked my door and have been here ever since. I’m seriously considering not leaving my room again. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to that stupid party.
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: November 1st
Well this is the second entry for the day. Mom and Dad made me come downstairs and help clean up the party mess.
Mom kept bugging me by asking why I was acting so depressed. I kept telling her that I was fine. Why can’t she leave it at that?
Anyway, I’ve been thinking over what I said earlier and do you know what? I still think it’s true. Somehow or other I think my body and my mind got all mixed up about what gender I am. It’s almost like I’m both or neither or, oh I don’t know.
I mean think about it for a minute. Look at how I look. Even I have to admit that I have very feminine features. I may not like to admit it, but I do. Also look how I’m continuing to develop, more like a girl than a boy, but I am a boy.
Then there’s the time that Ellen and I used to play dress up. I enjoyed those times. I liked dressing in my sister’s things. Even today, I admit that I like how girls’ clothes look and feel. I may not dress in them but I do like them.
Oh god, I am such a freak! I really don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think of is to just hope that I’m wrong. Maybe there are other reasons for everything that is happening to me and I’m just overreacting. I hope so at least.
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: November 15th
It’s been a couple of weeks but there really hasn’t been much to tell.
The weather has been really crappy so I haven’t been able to go on any runs. I just spend my days doing my schoolwork and working out downstairs.
All of my tumbling has gone to crap. It seems that my center of balance is all whacked up with me growing so fast. I’m now at 5’2” and that makes it four straight months that I’ve grown at least an inch.
Mom’s afraid I’m going to eat us out of house and home and is praying that the twins don’t start growing at the same rate that I am or there will be no way to feed us all.
I am constantly hungry and no matter how much I eat, my body just burns it all up.
My hope from the last entry here is getting less and less. It really does look like I’m growing breasts. There is definitely more definition there.
I’ve started to wear looser clothing trying to hide what is happening. If they keep growing I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know how I’ll be able to hide them and I don’t know how to tell Mom and Dad.
They would so freak about this. I mean I just think on how they acted when I was younger and wore Ellen’s dress. How do you think they’d feel if they knew I was a freak and turning into a girl? Oh geeze, they might not want me anymore. I mean, who wants a kid that isn’t normal?
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: November 30th
Thanksgiving came and went. Can’t say I found much to feel thankful for.
Mom keeps telling me that I need to get out of the house and stop moping around.
On some good news, Ellen will be coming home in two weeks for winter break. I’m hoping that I can talk to her about my problem. I need to talk to someone, this is driving me crazy.
However, I think I must be wrong about all of this. I mean, this just can’t happen, right? There has to be a better explanation for what is happening to me, I just haven’t found it yet.
I’ve been running searches on the Internet trying to find something that would explain why this is happening. No luck so far, but I’ll keep looking.
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: December 11th
Well Ellen is back and boy is it great to see her. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any time alone with her. In order to get some, I’ve even volunteered to go with her to the mall. Malls drive me crazy and around the holidays they are even worse, but this may be the only time I have to talk with her.
I still haven’t had any luck on finding a different explanation for what is happening to me. They keep growing and it’s hard to hide the fact that something is happening to my chest.
I have to find a solution fast.
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: December 12th
Grrr! You know if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.
Ellen and I are in the car and about to pull out of the garage to go to the mall when Mom and the twins decide to join us. I could have screamed!
So now no time alone with Ellen, just two and a half hours of severe anxiety and a major headache.
We got home and Ellen took off again to go visit some of her old friends that just got back into town.
I’m going to bed. Maybe this headache will be gone by morning. The other distinct possibility is my head will explode. That might solve all sorts of problems.
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: December 20th
Among the other changes happening to me, I must be changing color, too. What color you ask? Why yellow, bright yellow. You see, I’m a coward.
I finally had some time alone with Ellen and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Here I’ve been doing everything possible to get some time with her so we can talk and when I do, I can’t bring myself to mention it.
I’m a true coward.
Everything is still progressing as it has been. I’m now 5’3” almost 5’4”. My hair is out of control. It’s about 9”—10” long, and the boobs? Well, let’s just say they’re growing too. I can’t deny it, I really am growing breasts. To top everything off, I’ve got a grade ‘A’ stomach ache to go with everything else. God I hate my life.
End Journal Entry
Journal Entry: January 15th
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote in this, and this is probably going to be my last entry. Let me bring you up to date.
Mom and Ellen are back in California. Ellen’s classes will be starting up again and Mom will be buying us a new house.
Christmas came and went but I just couldn’t get into the spirit of the season. I know I was a wet blanket for everyone else.
I’m just over 5’4” now and I definitely have breasts. We’re not talking minor swelling or puffiness. I have two well-formed tits sitting on my chest. My first look and feel of a breast and it turns out to be mine. Does that suck, or what?
Anyway, the only way I can hide them anymore is to wrap an ace bandage around them and wear baggy clothes.
I just can’t stand this anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear to see the disgust in my family’s eyes when they find out. So I’ve decided to leave. It’s either that or kill myself and I just can’t do that. I think we’ve already established that I’m a coward.
So, this is my last entry, and this is also my goodbye note to my family.
I love you all so very much. I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.
End Journal Entry
Photo Credit: Ray Philson
Comments
NOOOOOO !
Please dont let him/her just leave home. She does not have to feel this way. She ought to talk with her Mummy. Mums can be a lot more understanding and sympathetic than many teen age children think. And dont anyone tell me that I dont know about it when it comes to gender confusion. I do, more than most.
Briar
Briar
iNTERESTING
Interesting and well written. It appears our heroine
needs to to reveal her problems but cannot. If
our heroine is inter-sexed and is indeed a girl I
believe she will have no problem adjusting. It
may open new opportunities. Already some believe
she is a "cute girl."
Kaptin Nibbles
Catwalk Confidence - Part 2
WOW! You have described what to me is the inner anxiety of an intersexed child. I am looking forward to seeing how the future chapters go.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Sorry
It was not my intent to trivialize what
this child is going through upon reviewing
my initial comments that is what I did.
Thank you for pointing this out. But from
Part 1, after returning to the states, he
dresses in girls clothing after the need is
no longer there and it appears he enjoys
dressing and playing as a girl. His mom
would be responsible for this for not
making sure he has boys clothing, and
she was upset when he cut his hair short.
It's his dad that insults and gives him a
lecture on dressing and acting as a boy.
The events of Part 1 led me to believe
that this child is happier as a girl but
fears the idea because of his/her father.
My first comment was more an expression of
joy for our heroine in that events beyond
the control of her father will cause her
to become her true gender. From what I
understood from the first part was that
this child would have no problem as a girl.
The problem is the father and as the
situation unfolds and our heroine is more
girl than boy it is something he will
have to accept.
Kaptin Nibbles
Thanks Connie!
That's a fine place to leave things—not!
I hope it won't be too long before we get to read what's become of Alex.
Given the extent of his depression and worries, it's surprising that one of his family hasn't picked up on it and taken some action.
Parkour Style
Bike Archive
Bike Resources
Could be fiction based in fact? Parkour?
I know an XY female who I thought was a perfectly normal woman. She found out that she was genetically male and in spite of the fact that she continued to live as a woman, went around telling everyone that she was actually Male. I felt that her response to the situation was extreme. She could simply have said that she is sterile; she'd lived her whole life as a female, why muck it up?
The author seems to be putting out a chapter a month, so maybe by late July we'll get another chapter?
My gosh, Parkour? When I was a child, no one even knew what that was, but even if I was hot shoeing on a Motorcycle, some people thought I was a girl.
K
Submitting Chapters
Actually Part 1 was submitted last week. Which come to think of it was last month. :)
But that brings up something I have wanted to ask. How often should I publish these chapters?
I don't want to dominate the quick links, but I don't want to wait too long either.
Thoughts?
- Connie
Posting Frequency
With a story this good, every couple of days or once a week works...I wouldn't be unhappy with daily myself :)
{{Hugs}}
XY Female
The topic you have touched on is complex.
An XY female is equal to an XX female. The
same is true for an XX male. He is equal
to an XY male. I am computer challenged so
I don't know how to get you to the following
site other than to give you what you need
to type-
dr charmian quigley writes to greer
Dr Quigley is a pediatric endocrinologist
who is both a scientist and a clinician.
She writes at a level directed at an
audience that is educated but not holding
degrees in microbiology. You will find
that she does and excellent job of
covering the topic of XY female. Plus
other related topics of interest.
Kaptin Nibbles
I don't know, but I do
I don't know, but I do believe this hurting child has thrown out a lot of clues to both family and friends, but no-one has apparently picked up on any of them. I do hope that someone will and in a very short time before this boy/girl disappears and never seen again. I also think the "Grade 'A' stomach ache" is the on-set of her menstrual cycle and something medically needs to be done right away for her or bad things will happen internally. Jan
i am hoping
somebody helps this poor kid before she does something bad to herself.
Two last entries
Were on December 20th and January 15th, accordingly. I'd say that the entire situation will progress not like Alex is expecting it to. It will, likely, go through:
1)Alex falls unconciouss - severe abdominal pains, it's about time for that.
2)Hospitalisation of Alex
3)Physical and explorative surgery
4)Bringing the journal up for explanations
5)Alex comes around
What? Nobody said anything about not hoping!
Faraway
P.S. Kaptin, why don't you register? It'll make things easier.
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Connie! Mum can't be reading the Journal at all!
If so she would have known what Alex was going through?
LoL
Rita
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)
LoL
Rita
It Was Established...
...back in part one that Mom isn't supposed to read the journal, just ascertain that the file is getting larger. Our protagonist suspected Mom might spot-check occasionally to make sure there were words and sentences and not garbage, but reading it wasn't part of the plan until now: if he runs away, presumably someone in the family will look at it in hopes of finding a clue as to what happened. (Mom's out of town at present, so it probably won't be her.)
Eric