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Prologue:

Ok, first let’s get this straight, this is NOT a diary. This is a journal. Specifically, this is the journal of one Alexander Conners, known to everyone as Alex. If you are not Alex, then you should not be reading this! And if I ever catch you, you’re dead meat.

Part 1

Journal Entry: August 2^nd

The First

Now then, where do I start? Well first off, I really don’t want to be doing this but my Mom insists that I do.

See, I’m home-schooled and one of the things that I have to do is keep this stupid journal. Fortunately no one is going to read it. Every now and then, Mom will check to see if this file has grown. So I probably could just write garbage and get away with it. But knowing my luck, Mom would check and my goose would be cooked.

Mom did lay down one rule for this journal. I can’t delete anything. If I need to change something, it can only be crossed out, not deleted. Bummer!!

Let’s see, what else to tell? Well I’m fourteen years old and a bit of a runt as my sister would say. I don’t like it, but it’s true. Mom says that I can get my growth spurt at anytime so I’m constantly checking.

I hope this growth spurt comes soon because I really, really, need to grow more. See I’m only 4’10” and with my rather high voice and soft features, I am constantly being mistaken for a girl! Can you believe that?

For example, just this past spring, the family went with my Dad to Washington D.C., and while we were there I went with my Mom to meet with our congressman. Now my sister was spending the summer with some friends, and the twins were with Dad, so that’s why it was just me and my Mom.

Having gotten real tired of being mistaken for a girl, I had had my hair cut real short just before our trip. Think military short. I hadn’t told my Mom before I did it and she was not pleased. She said it was almost a sin to cut off all of my thick black hair. But damn it, a guy can only take so much!

Anyway, back to our congressman. I was dressed in a tee shirt that said “Run Free, Run Far,” my jeans and cross trainers. I had this buzz cut and I’m thinking there is no way I will ever be mistaken for a girl again, when this jerk tells my Mom what a beautiful daughter she has and then asks her if my hair is so short because I’ve been ill.

ARGH!! It’s probably a good thing that Mom pulled me back or my foot would have connected quite well with this guy’s knee.

So you see why I want this growth spurt to get here really bad. I am just so tired of being told that I look like a girl.

Well I’ll write more later, it’s time to go to bed.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 3^rd

Yuck. Did I write that stuff? Oh well, Mom said I had to write, she didn’t tell me what I should write about. Now where was I?

Okay, we were talking about girls and how I am constantly being mistaken for one. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a thing against girls. They’re great. But I’m not a girl. As my Dad told me several years ago, I’m a boy and need to look and act like one.

Hmmm. Reading that last sentence over, I realize it might just need a bit of an explanation. See when I was seven, we lived in Athens Greece and a kid I had made friends with and I were playing up on the roof. Now the roofs in the area we lived in were flat and were used for outside seating, like a patio. Anyway, we were up on the roof when I took a stumble and went right over the edge. Man was I messed up. I broke my nose, my right leg, two ribs and my pelvis. Apparently I had bounced off of a balcony rail before continuing on to the ground, where I bounced some more. I ended up in a cast from about my waist down and from about my eyebrows down, I was one big bruise.

This little accident put an end to all activities beyond playing cards and reading for the next six months. This actually turned into a good thing because my sister Ellen decided she was going to nurse me back to health. She kept me company and played with me and I bet there aren’t another brother and sister out there closer than the two of us.

Towards the end of my recuperation, we moved back to the States. Somehow the movers misplaced some boxes and of course it included the boxes with my clothes in them and for the week or so that it would take for my clothes to catch up to us, I dressed in some of my sister’s old things. Now it wasn’t that bad. It’s not like Mom and Dad put me in her dresses or anything. I just wore some of her old shorts and blouses. Okay, panties too. Well she had an unopened pack of panties and I needed to wear something. It’s not like we went out a lot, especially just having moved into a new neighborhood and unpacking and all.

Well even after my clothes caught up with us, I still borrowed some of my sister’s things from time to time. I’ll even admit it here in this journal that we would experiment and I would dress up in her dresses and pretend to be a girl. I thought it was fun, and it brought my sister and myself together even more.

It was the one time that we did go out when I was dressed in one of her old summer dresses that got me into trouble. I had put on her old dress because it really was much more comfortable to wear in the heat and we went out for a short walk. The doctor was really encouraging me to get more exercise at this point. Anyway, we were out front walking up and down the block when my Dad came home early with some company.

Now I didn’t think we had done anything wrong and we went back into the house to say hi to Dad and greet our guest. Dad’s eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw me and the guy that was with him said he was pleased to meet Dad’s two lovely daughters.

Ellen and I thought that was funny and we went off to play in her room. When Dad got back from taking that other guy home, he took me into my room and gave me the “Talk.” He told me that boys do not dress up like girls and that boys do not play as girls and that I needed to act like a boy. He told me that even my twin brothers acted more like boys than I did.

Now Dad wasn’t mad but he was clearly upset so I promised that I would never do that again. It was all very embarrassing and I was sad to have to give it all up, but I didn’t want to upset my folks again. Not if I could help it at least and I haven’t broken my promise yet.

I think I need to stop writing now. For some reason this is all rather upsetting.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 21^st

Sorry I haven’t written in here for awhile. It’s been hard to and I’ve been real busy. Now let’s see where we were.

I see that I mentioned the twins but haven’t really said much about them. Well let me just give you a breakdown of the whole family.

First there’s my Dad. His name is Robert and he works for the Department of Energy. Because of his position, we tend to move around a lot. As ’fathers go, he’s a good one. He works real hard and is away from home a lot but he always tries to make it up to us and we know he loves us.

My Mom, Sharon works from home as a stock manager or something like that. She does that so she can home-school all of us kids as well. Since we move around so much, my folks figure that the consistent education that can be provided by home-schooling is the best way to go–that is, except for high school. For that, they want us in a proper school. They feel that is real important. Next year I might start high school and am really looking forward to it...NOT!

Next is my sister Ellen. She’s now in college out in California. She’s 19 and studying fashion at this posh, posh fashion college out there. We’ll be moving out there at the beginning of the year, and then will be there for the next six years as I and then my brothers go thru high school.

You know me. I’m Alex. I’m 14. My interests are in gymnastics, Parkour and art.

Finally there are the terrible twosome who are my twin brothers William (who prefers to go by Bill) and Mark. They’re two years younger than me, a couple of inches taller and several pounds heavier as well. They both live and breathe sports. Doesn’t matter what the sport is, they love them all, preferably the rougher the better. I think rugby is still at the top of the list but I think that cage fighting would be if Mom didn’t keep telling them, “NO” about every other day. They’re also big into the Scouts and are about the most outgoing pair that you’ll ever meet.

That’s my family in a nutshell, although nuthouse is probably a better description.

Sorry for the short entry today.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 23^rd

Great news! I’m almost a full inch taller. Yippee! Mom was right: I think that my growth spurt has started. I’m increasing my workouts in both the weights and the Parkour to see if I can bulk up a bit too.

Parkour? In looking back I see that I mentioned that I like Parkour but I haven’t explained it yet. Well, Parkour is the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one’s path by adapting one’s movements to the environment. In short it’s efficient running around, over and thru obstacles to get from point A to point B in the most efficient manner possible. People often get Parkour and Free Running mixed up but there is a difference. Parkour is all about efficiency and Free Running is more about show.

That’s Parkour and if I do say so myself, I’m rather good at it too. I’m not quite in David Belle’s league yet, but I am good. I may be small but I’ve been doing gymnastics since I had my accident when I was seven and I practice almost every day.

So, almost an inch taller! I am so excited! Let’s just hope this is the beginning and not the whole growth spurt. Now I just need to bulk up a bit and my voice needs to change.

I am going to bed now, so I can get up early to fit a run in before breakfast.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 24^th

Mom and Dad say I can’t go running at five in the morning anymore. I don’t see what the big deal is. I was awake and knew I couldn’t get back to sleep so I went out running. How was I to know that when they got up and didn’t see me in my bed that they’d freak? I really did mean to get back before anyone woke up, I just got delayed a bit.

Anyway, for the next week I can only run around the block. What good is that? Parents!!

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 27^th

Well I’ve got to tell you that running around the block is BORING! But I think that I have a work around. My parents told me that I couldn’t leave our block, that if I wanted to run so bad, I could just run around the block. Now the way I see it, so long as I stay on our block, I’ll be fine–they didn’t tell me I couldn’t run across my block.

See it’s not about the running’–as I mentioned earlier–it’s about getting from point A to point B as fast and efficiently as possible. So today I scoped out the route straight from our house down the long way on our block to end up at the news-stand. Hey it’s not much but it will sure beat running in circles. I’m going to give it a try tomorrow after breakfast.

There’s not much else to write about. Oh yes there is, I almost forgot, Ellen will be heading back to school in a couple of days and I’ll go back with her and Mom.

It’ll be sad not to have her here, but the trip to California should be fun.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: August 28^th

Not a bad run today. Nothing much happened except about four houses down, there lives the biggest damned dog I’ve ever seen. How come I never noticed him before? He’s now the proud owner of my right shoe. Thank goodness I was wearing an old pair and that he just got my shoe and not the foot that was in it too. He did add a bit of excitement to the run, though.

Speaking of excitement, the neighbor right after the demon dog likes to sunbathe topless. I didn’t see much as I was more concerned with the dog crashing thru the fence and she didn’t seem to mind too much.

On second thought, she might just have been asleep as I really didn’t make much noise going by and she was facing the other way.

It’s official: I am one full inch taller than I was when I started this journal. Yeah!

I’ve got to pack up for the trip to California so, later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 6^th

I got back from CA yesterday. It was a good trip but I’m sure going to miss seeing Ellen. I won’t see her again until Christmas. When she goes back after winter break, Mom is going to go with her to find us a house. We checked out some neighborhoods when we were out there on this trip and the move might not be so bad. Ellen will be with us again and that’s what really matters.

More news on the growth spurt front: first, I didn’t think that it would affect my hair and nails too but it has. I am constantly trimming my nails and as for my hair, well back in the beginning of March is when I had it cut short to about an inch in length. From what I’ve been able to find out, hair grows about a half-inch per month, so doing the math, my hair should be around four inches now. It’s almost six inches long! I’d kind of like to have it cut again but Mom was really upset the last time I did so I won’t do that. I only had it cut because I thought it would stop people from thinking I was a girl. We all know how well that worked. After having it cut, they still thought I was a girl, just one with a strange haircut. Oh well.

Now the second part of the news is really good. I think my chest is bigger. I seem to be finally bulking up a bit. Between all of the exercise and the protein drinks, it’s about time too. Do you have any idea how it feels when your brothers, who are two years younger, are bigger and have more muscle definition than you do? It messes with your head.

Anyway, I may finally be turning that around. Whee!

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 10^th

I’m exhausted. The day started off okay. I got up and knocked off all of my schoolwork with Mom, then started my workout right after lunch.

Today I decided to first do some upper body free weights then some gymnastic tumbling then I went out on a run. I made my way downtown and there is an area down by the warehouse district that you can go for a couple of miles it seems like without hitting the ground: just from rooftop to rooftop.

Needless to say, that wore me out. There are some places that you have to jump about ten feet over and at least ten down to get to the next roof. Those jumps tend to hurt a bit if you don’t hit them just right.

All in all, I’m really happy with how the day went. The only downside was the route I took to go downtown was my neighborhood route. Well I successfully avoided the demon in dog’s clothing but discovered that the neighbor who likes to sunbathe topless is really a mannequin lying on a lawn chair. Bummer!

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering why I don’t hang out with other kids my age. Well there are a couple of reasons. It’s always been hard to make and keep friends when you move every couple of years. I think that the longest time we’ve ever spent in one place was when Ellen was in high school. So that tends to make it difficult. Also, I’m really shy. Now I don’t just mean I find it difficult to speak in a group or something like that. No, I get this overwhelming fear when I’m in a social setting. I’m okay when I’m with my family, but out on my own is a different matter.

This is why I’m really not looking forward to high school. It’s also why I really don’t have any friends.

I’m really jealous of the twins. They make friends real easy. Brats!!

Oh well, time for a hot shower and bed.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 15^th

I’m grounded, again! This has to be a short entry because it’s hard to type. I was doing a run downtown again and took a fall down a stairwell and I sprained my wrist and broke the little finger of my left hand.

I don’t think that was the real reason for me being grounded. I think the real reason was because I was injured, the security guard for the building was able to catch me and he called the police and they came, then they called my folks and you see how this little thing got blown all out of proportion.

The police had taken me to the ER because of my wrist and hand and then called my folks who had to come pick me up. They were not pleased to say the least. As a result, I’m stuck here at home and Mom said to help me pass the time, she’s going to double my schoolwork. Oh gee, thanks. I wouldn’t like to get bored or anything.

I suppose it’s just as well. I haven’t been feeling real great lately. All of my joints ache all of the time. I wonder if I’m catching something.

Well, I’ll add more info later.

Bye.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: September 27^th

Well the wrist is better but I still have this funky splint on my finger. It makes it real hard to type, let me tell you.

I’m still grounded but it’s not so bad. I spend my time doing schoolwork, working out downstairs in the gym or doing my artwork.

Right now I’m working in chalk pastels and trying to do a self-portrait. How is it I can draw other people, but I can’t draw myself? Anyway, it’s slow going but it does relax me.

On another note, it looks like all of my aches and pains may be growing pains. I’ve grown another inch! Whee! My hair is also getting ridiculously long. I told Mom about it all and she is going to make an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything is okay. She also said that if I wanted to get my hair cut, that she would make an appointment for that too. I’m kind of torn on that. On the one hand, when my hair is long, I get mistaken for a girl more. On the other hand, even when my hair is short I still get mistaken for a girl and I really like having long hair.

I think I’ll hold off on getting it cut for now. Besides, I think I’ll want it long for my Halloween costume. I’m going to be Captain Jack Sparrow. I really think I can pull it off. Ellen said she would help put some things together and ship them out to me.

Well, got to get some rest.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 3^rd

I’ve been up here in my room since dinner. Something doesn’t seem right with me and I just can’t figure it out.

It’s hard to explain, it’s kind of like a combination of a physical and an emotional feeling. I don’t know if I can explain it, I just feel like something isn’t right. Anyway, I’m sure that I’ll figure it out.

In the meantime my growing spurt is still going strong. Drum roll please, as I am now officially over 5’. To be exact, I am now 5’ ¼”. This is from my doctor’s appointment that I had today. Not sure what good going to the doctor did. He just looked into my ears and down my throat, hit my knees with his little rubber hammer and pronounced that it was just growing pains. Oh well, at least I have the “official” height measurement.

My growing doesn’t seem to be slowing down and that’s great. Now all I need is to get more muscle definition and my voice to start to change.

My stomach is flat and has some definition but that “washboard” look just won’t show up. The same is true with everything else too. My legs are really strong but don’t have much definition, my chest: well it is getting bigger but no real sign of pecs yet. Maybe I’m just too impatient. Mom keeps telling me to give it time but really, how much time does it take?

One other thing, and this is embarrassing, there hasn’t been any change with my, well my boy parts. You’d think that since everything else is growing, that would too.

I wanted to talk to the doctor about it, but it’s not the easiest thing to talk about. Also, the doctor is like sixty or something. It’s kind of hard to talk about it to someone so old. Oh I don’t know. I’m sure everything will be fine.

I am going to go to sleep.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 5^th

I’ve been working on my costume for Halloween. Ellen and I talked last night and she said she wanted to make the clothes but that I needed to take care of the boots, hat and all of the accessories. Mom suggested that we hit the secondhand stores and I think we’ve hit the jackpot.

Today I got a bunch of rings, chains, scarves and stuff. I also found a pair of over-the-knee boots. They’re girls and they have about a two-inch heel but they don’t have a pointy heel or anything and they fit perfectly. I just need to take care of the scuffmarks and I think they’ll be fine. Now I need to find or make the hat, I need the pistol and I need to figure out how to do the makeup. I also need to find at least one gold hoop earring that clips on.

This is going to be a great costume.

On other news, I’m still trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Maybe not “wrong” just “not right.” I still can’t seem to put it into words. All I know is I feel different and when I look into the mirror, it’s almost like I’m looking at someone else.

Oh, I’m not saying this right at all. I’m going to bed now.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 7^th

Mom’s bugging me to get more of a social life again. She says she’s worried about me becoming a hermit or something. She said maybe I should join the twins’ scout troop. Now that really isn’t my thing. I told her that I was going to the scouting Halloween party. She pointed out that was because we were having it here at our house.

Okay, I admit that she had a point, but I will be at the party and not holed away in my room. I told her that and she just sighed. Parents do that a lot I’ve noticed.

I’m now completely free of the splint for my finger and the brace for my wrist. I’m still grounded to our house though. I’m going to ask and see if we can expand to our block again. I’d like to do that run through our block. I think I’ve figured another way past Cujo the demon dog.

Wish me luck on getting the grounding expanded.

Later,

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 12^th

You know, I think I’m really fortunate. I’m part of a very close family. We all love each other and get along with each other really well. Mostly that is.

Today was not a good day for family closeness. I had a fight with my brothers.

You see Ellen got done with my Halloween costume and had shipped it out and it came today. I wanted to try it on, so I went up to my room and put on the wig we made up, and using a picture from the movie, I worked on putting on the makeup. Now Mom is still helping me make up the mustache and beard so I couldn’t try that, but I could try everything else.

I go on downstairs to show Mom and I’m thinking I look pretty good. Ellen did a great job on the outfit and all of the accessories help a lot. I think I make a good Captain Jack.

Well I get downstairs and am turning this way and that, showing Mom the outfit when the twins come in. Now Mark immediately starts to giggle and before you know it Bill is too. When I ask them what they thought was so funny, Mark says that with the long hair and makeup I make a very pretty pirate wench and then breaks into more laughter.

I turn and look into the hall mirror and sure enough, between the hair, makeup and the way the shirt puffs out in front when I twist my body, I do look like a girl.

With the twins laughing at me and this being a bit of a sore spot with me, I just kind of snapped. I jumped on Mark and started wailing on him. Bill jumped on me and was hitting me, and then they both were. All three of us are yelling until Mom comes up and quite literally starts knocking heads together to stop us. Man that hurts.

The end result is I’m still grounded to the house and now the twins are too.

All of that would have been bad enough, but after being sent to our rooms, I started to get undressed when I took a real close look at myself.

Looking into the mirror on my closet door I didn’t see me dressed as a pirate. With the wig and makeup on and all of the jewelry, wearing the pirate shirt, tight pants and knee high boots–well I had to admit it: I did look like a girl.

I can’t begin to tell you how sad this makes me.

End Journal Entry

* * *

Journal Entry: October 22^nd

Well we’re all off our grounding now. Not that it makes any difference to me: I don’t plan on leaving the house.

I’ve got no one to tell this. I am so scared and I don’t know what to do. You see, ever since the fight with my brothers, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I think I finally figured out what has been bothering me and I’m so scared that I might be right. I think I’m turning into a girl!

I know, I know. This is impossible. Boys are boys, and girls are girls and you just can’t change your gender, we aren’t frogs after all. I know all of this but just the same I think it’s true.

First of all, as I’ve already mentioned, I have always been mistaken for a girl, and as much as I hate to admit it, I do have all of the general features of a girl. Even when I dress in very “boyish” clothes, I still look more like a tomboy than an actual boy.

Second, my voice has always been higher than other boys my age and even though I’m going thru this growing phase, my voice has not changed at all.

Oh and I’ve gained another inch. I’m now 5’1”. Big whoop!!

Third, no matter how hard I work out, no matter how physically fit I am, I can’t get the strong muscular definition that guys get. In fact, I just look like a very fit girl.

Now I am growing like a weed but more like a girl would rather than a boy. My hips are a bit broader, and that could be from all of the gymnastics and running I do, but my waist is staying narrow and then there is my chest.

Here’s what is freaking me out so much. I think I might be growing breasts! Now again, I know that isn’t possible but my chest is getting bigger and although I am developing some chest muscles, above that is some definite puffiness. My nipples and some of the area around them are tender and puffy all of the time and it looks just like other girls about my age! There is also what feels like a raised bump behind the nipple and it is kind of tender.

This can’t be happening to me. I mean it just isn’t possible. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell anyone, at least not yet but maybe I can talk to Ellen. She’ll know what to do.

Oh I hope I’m wrong. Please let me be wrong.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson