Comedy

Fit-4-U: As the Case May Be

Originally posted 2005/02/01

Remember how courteously inefficient all that old correspondence by snail mail used to be? It often seemed as if you would never be able to get anything straightened out by dealing with people who weren't even reading your letters...

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Fit-4-U: As the Case May Be
by Erin Halfelven

Gentlemen;

'poH

Photo by Jean van der Meulen from Pexels

 

'poH
by Erin Halfelven

 

I had a weird dream about working on a series of kid's books. They were illustrated and I wish I could draw like that. Some of it looked a lot like Brad Guigar's art on Evil, Inc.

One of the books was about a young owl discovering things. It was called, "Nobody Really Likes Liver."

Political Doubletalk, Part 6 of 6

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Part 6 of 6

 
Chapter 14
"Dammit Penny!" cried Myrna, slamming down the phone. "I feel like I should go out and stand on the street corner with a sign saying 'Anything helps - God Bless.' I'm sick of begging for money. How did we ever let the system get this corrupt?"

Political Doubletalk, Part 5 of 6

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Part x of 6

 
Chapter 11
"Myra, that was an amazing performance!" Penny said in wonder. "Talk about take no prisoners! Who else could talk about the ancient Indus Valley civilizations and make it sing?"

"I did get a little carried away."

Political Doubletalk, Part 4 of 6

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Part 4 of 6

 
Chapter 8
With the first public appearances behind them, it was time to hit the road. No one runs for office without a large number of volunteers willing to go out and do the legwork, answer the phones, make the endless calls, pay the bills, program the computers and generally support the candidate.

Political Doubletalk, Part 3 of 6

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Part 3 of 6

 
Chapter 6
Two days later Helen and the slightly mystified Penny were sitting in a plastic surgeon's office in Reno Nevada. For Penny, traveling with someone who was almost the woman for whom she worked for many years was a surreal experience.

Political Doubletalk, Part 1 of 6

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Part x of 6

 
WARNING! If you are of a conservative bent, you'll hate this one. You. Have. Been. Warned.

Author's Note: I stole this plot from Robert Heinlein, who stole it from a long line of felonious authors reaching back to some guy pressing Cuneiform into clay on a riverbank in the Middle East, in hopes of preserving his deathless prose. It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. - Mark Twain
 

I Can't Hide From My Mind -- A TG Mixed Tape

A boy finds himself in a suburban landscape with no other people... except his other self. A woman breaks up with her boyfriend and storms out of a bar... but all is not what it seems.. A roommate's prank leads to new and unsettling discoveries. A door to another world leads to unexpected changes. An ancient entity awakens to find a world where gender and everything else have drastically changed. Dive into the strange and unexpected with stories by Hikaro, D.K. Fenger, Trismegistus Shandy, Shadow Dragon, and CasLon.

The Bank Heist - Part 10 of 11

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Part 10 of 11

Chapter 15
When we got home late, the other girls took one look at us and asked why we both looked like we'd gotten laid but hadn't been in the bedroom yet. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get used to girls asking questions like that, I was brought up to think girls didn't do stuff like that.

Thanks Truck-kun For Making Me A Trader - Part 18/27

Sometimes, Lillyn can really put her foot in her mouth.
Especially when she is not in the right state of mind.
For example, when someone calls her in the middle of the night.
They should know better.

The Bank Heist - Part 9 of 11

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Part 9 of 11

Chapter 14
It took us two days to read all the things I had been given. It looked like being a Court Reporter involved more that pushing buttons on a machine, you had to take stenography and legal vocabulary and quite a few other courses to qualify. For a seventeen year old high school dropout, it looked like a lot to do. I just had to tell myself I was a twenty-one year old A student - just like my transcript said.

The Bank Heist - Part 8 of 11

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Part 8 of 11

Chapter 12
If my first - and last - date on Saturday was exciting, Sunday at the zoo was something else. Scary, exciting, thrilling, all mixed up. I now knew that Vito was no longer wanted as a murderer, although they would probably want me to do time for burglary and general mopary and dopary. I could still use that as an excuse to stay in my disguise as Eliza.

The Bank Heist - Part 7 of 11

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Part 7 of 11

Chapter 10
Patty was right. It took three more days for Mike the Cop to ask me for a date. It was the first time I talked to a cop and he was the one being nervous. Go figure! We got off the bus and Mike the Cop just happened to be walking by the bus stop when we arrived.

The Bank Heist - Part 5 of 11

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Part 5 of 11

Chapter 8
It took three more days for the storm to stop and the plows to clear the streets so cars could move once more. Other than sleepin' with Patty, I had a hard time learnin' to be Liza. The girls were determined that I would be the kind of girl that no one would think twice about bein' anythin' but what she looked like.

The Bank Heist - Part 4 of 11

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Part 4 of 11

Chapter 6
Now we get to the interestin' part that I've been making you wait for. We writers need to put in some suspense so you good folks will keep on readin'. We gets back to the bedroom and it dawns on me I ain't got no clothes to wear. This little fact had dawned on Patty last night, and that wicked sense of humor I told ya's about cut in again as she hands me a pair of her panties.

The Bank Heist - Part 3 of 11

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Part 3 of 11

Chapter 5
The girls went off to their bedrooms and I was left on the couch. I tried to figure out just what I was goin' to do, that talk of body bags had me scared. It all sounded cool and great fun when Uncle Jimmy got me inta the heist, but someone gettin' killed was a shit show I wasn't ready for. I fell asleep before I could do much more thinkin'. It had been a long, strange day.
 

Hatching a Heroine - Chapter 12

Lonna lay on her stomach, small wings folded forward up and under her chest, her stubby red tail lashing side to side. She kept turning the events of the night over and over in her head.

Melissa had called her beautiful. Even despite her being a half dragon, a runaway princess, and an all around mess… Melissa had called her beautiful.

So Lonna had kissed her.

And then Melissa had said she was a girl, and it felt like everything clicked into place. It felt like everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be…

Thanks Truck-kun For Making Me A Trader - Part 17/27

Lillyn isn't doing so hot right now.
She is pretty sure she has ruined a friendship forever.
But there is always hope.
And on every low note a high one follows.
When Besona smiles on her, it sometimes comes in unexpected ways...

The Magnificent Seven, Part 7 of 7

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Part 7 of 7

Chapter 14
How did four years go by so fast? Seems like just Yesterday Rose was starting high school and in a few minutes she would be walking across the stage to receive her diploma. Travis and Ruth smiled to think the entire family was there to watch, and not incidentally keep track of the active four-year-old and frenetic two-year-old grandchildren who were bored with the whole affair.

The Magnificent Seven, Part 6 of 7

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Part 6 of 7

Chapter 12
Luke and Rose rode for some time across the grassland until a copse of trees came into sight. Rose changed course slightly to head for the trees and they soon arrived at the watering station.

"Now that shoots that old saw all to blazes, don't it?"

The Magnificent Seven, Part 4 of 7

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Image by creative2afault from Pixabay

 

Part 4 of 7

Chapter 9
"Well, you seem to have a rosy glow about you this morning"

"You bet, Doc! My sisters clubbed together again and got me a new pair of breast forms for my fifteenth birthday. They tell me I have to keep up with the way my body is growing, but if they keep at it I may end up with the biggest boobs in Texas by the time I'm in college."

The Magnificent Seven, Part 3 of 7

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Part 3 of 7

Chapter 7
Rite of Passage, is a term used by anthropologists to mark a significant change in a person's place in society. Almost all societies mark marriage - the creation of a new family unit - with a formal ceremony. Becoming a member of a group, such as the military calls for a ceremony, and of course the passage from child to adult is the most obvious passage in our contemporary society.

The Magnificent Seven, Part 1 of 7

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Part 1 of 7

 
Chapter 1
Texas. Y'all know that everything's bigger in Texas even if we hardly ever say y'all around here any more; too sophisticated, I guess. One thing for sure: Texas is big. It takes two long days to cross it from east to west without gathering a speeding ticket or two. Hell, the King ranch at 825,000 acres is bigger than the State of Rhode Island at 775,900 acres.

My Obsession, Part 27 of 29

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Photo by Wilson Vitorino from Pexels
 

Part 27 of 29

Thursday, December 26, 2013
I have a decision to make, and I've been putting it off. Mary Ann and I have been tossing around our options and her family has been able to offer some pretty good advice, but the decision is mine in the end. No, that's not completely true. Mary Ann and I have to make the decision together as it affects the both of us.

My Obsession, Part 26 of 29

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Photo by Wilson Vitorino from Pexels
 

Part 26 of 29

Monday, December 16
Oddly, I got the answer to finding Mary Ann's gift in the psychology exam this morning. There were questions about family relations and - of course! - dysfunction. Which made me realize I should call her brother Dale and ask him if he has any bright ideas. I had to slap myself and put my mind back on the exam after getting another bright idea.

Hatching a Heroine - Chapters 9, 10 and 11

It's one thing to be pulled into another world to fight an evil queen, but what do you do when the spell that transports you there also gives you a woman's body? And what if it feels... right?

Edited by Talia Eliott Belser

Hatching a Heroine - Chapters 7 and 8

It's one thing to be pulled into another world to fight an evil queen, but what do you do when the spell that transports you there also gives you a woman's body? And what if it feels... right? Edited by Talia Eliott Belser

My Obsession, Part 25 of 29

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Photo by Wilson Vitorino from Pexels
 

Part 25 of 29

Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Turkey day. No, not the day we eat the turkey but the day we get the turkey. Seems like a lot of fuss to get a turkey when the supermarket had piles of them in the freezer, but Eve swears it's worth the effort for a fresh organic turkey.

Hatching a Heroine - chapter 3

It's one thing to be pulled into another world to fight an evil queen, but what do you do when the spell that transports you there also gives you a woman's body? And what if it feels... right? Edited by Talia Eliott Belser

My Obsession, Part 24 of 29

Glasses.jpg

Photo by Wilson Vitorino from Pexels
 

Part 24 of 29

Saturday, October 26, 2013
Dress shopping with Eve and Mary Ann. I'm getting a real kick out of being a bridesmaid, something I never aspired to in my wildest dreams. Some of the girls I know on campus are addicted to something called Say Yes To The Dress and can go on for hours about finding the perfect wedding gown. Hey - I love wearing dresses and enjoy shopping on my rather limited budget, but really! I just can't get into gushing about this neckline or that train or who knows what else.

Hatching a Heroine - chapter 2

It's one thing to be pulled into another world to fight an evil queen, but what do you do when the spell that transports you there also gives you a woman's body? And what if it feels... right? Edited by Talia Eliott Belser

Hatching a Heroine - Chapter 1

It's one thing to be pulled into another world to fight an evil queen, but what do you do when the spell that transports you there also gives you a woman's body? And what if it feels... right? Edited by Talia Eliott Belser

My Obsession, Part 23 of 29

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Photo by Wilson Vitorino from Pexels
 

Part 23 of 29

Monday, October 14, 2013
Last day at camp, sort of bittersweet. We got up much later than yesterday and not a few of the girls were moaning about the amount of wine that they drank the night before. The phrase 'wine is a mocker' - in my father's voice, naturally - ran through my head but I wisely kept it between my ears.

My Obsession, Part 21 of 29

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Part 21 of 29

Monday, September 9, 2013
Much food for thought in Psychology today. Only the second class and my head is spinning. The prof dug right in with personality types. The old Greeks decided there were four: choleric, melancholic, sanguine, and phlegmatic. Meyers-Briggs thinks there are sixteen. Other people throw other numbers into the pot. Kind of like a lottery but nobody is a clear winner.

My Obsession, Part 19 of 29

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Part 19 of 29

Friday, September 6, 2013
A light day, only one mid-morning class. That's the ideal Friday for a college student, no afternoon classes to cut to get an early start on the weekend.

Queer -1- Montana

Queer

 

Queer
1. Montana
by Morgan Preece

I'd been called queer practically ever since I started school, but I didn't really find out what it meant until seventh grade. This was back when gay still meant happy to most people, and queer was an insult.

My Obsession, Part 18 of 29

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Part 18 of 29

Wednesday, September 4, 2013 (continued)
All of my musing on the past is how I started my day. Because of my late enrollment, the only English Literature class with any openings occurred at eight o'clock on Monday and Wednesday mornings. Since Monday was Labor Day, school started on Wednesday. Thus I began my day wandering around campus lost and confused. Over the summer I had gotten used to the library's more civilized hours, opening at ten. I had to get up before the sun in order to shower, dress and ride the bus.

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