The Weekly Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3405 by Angharad Copyright© 2023 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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You can always rely on your kids to bring you back to real life even if she is hardly a child anymore. We walked over to Daddy's office and then to my car. We always use my car, I don't know why, probably because it means he can have a drink with lunch and have all afternoon to recover, though it's some while since I have seen him the worse for wear. I would fall asleep if I went anywhere near alcohol at lunch time, so I stick to soft drinks or tea.

"How did you get on with your VIP?" he asked.

"That was a VIP?" exclaimed Trish, "Her bloody arse and tits were hanging out."

Daddy looked astonished at this revelation, then gave me a questioning glance. "Were they?" he asked.

"I think she might have been trying to make a statement, but it fell on stony ground."

"Her boobs nearly followed," said Trish full of exaggeration.

"They would not; she was, as I said, trying to assert her femininity, which was wasted on another woman," I offered trying to keep the conversation on higher ground than Trish's innuendos.

"Especially one in a Chanel suit?" mentioned Daddy.

"Okay, I had anticipated it."

"And made a stronger statement," he added.

"I suppose I just made a non-verbal statement that in my kingdom, I am queen."

Daddy laughed and Trish then interjected," Does that make me a princess?"

Daddy and I both laughed, "I don't think the outfit you had when you were five would fit these days, mind you, the tiara may still do so."

"I gave that to Cate ages ago," she replied, "I think as a princess of my age, I'd need something by Mulberry."

"You can use your own cash then, I'm not paying for it, your highness, come on, let's order."

"Who was she?" asked Daddy.

"As this is confidential information I can't share it with you in here."

"Ach, naebody's listening."

"Well, that maybe because no one is breaking confidences."

"Ye scunner," he said smiling.

"Shall we just say that she has a father with a bigger pocket than I do and I doubt he would hesitate to sue; besides, confidential means just that, so no trying to wheedle it out of me."

"Och, yer no fun anymo',"

"Ye big bairn," I said as he drank a big mouthful of Guinness and he promptly sprayed much of it over the table and Trish.

"I'd have thought at your age, Gramps, you'd have learnt to hold your liquor," said Trish pouting beautifully.

That just made him laugh more until he started to choke and then cough.

"I'd be obliged if ye'd warn me next time," he said at me rather than to me and laughed again.

We had lunch and I drove us back to the uni, where Trish checked how Sammi's software had worked while Daddy followed me into my office.

"Noo, who was it?"

"The Countess of Surrey."

"Whit fa' did she want." Some days I think he'd turned into Yoda, but I suspect he was here first.

"She wants to enrol on a master's degree and came to see if she qualified."

"So she jest happened tae come and see thae queen,eh"

"It seems that way."

"Aye. sure it daes, an' I suppose ye think I came doon the Clyde in a banana boat? Noo why was she seein' ye?"

"Because your mate Esmond Herbert asked me to see her."

"Whit did Esmond want?"

"He asked me to offer her a place, she has a 2:1 so I did if she applies for it."

"Aye, but why de he ask ye, he has a muckle size department himsel', so why cudn't she study there."

"He suspected there may be some unhelpful interest by the media in the short term. He knows we're more experienced than he is and may therefore deal better with it."

He sat down at my desk and called up De Brett's and looked up Countess of Surrey. of course it gave the girl's mother who was deceased. He then tried Duke of Surrey and saw it referred to his only offspring as a boy. "There's nae Countess, there's only a boy..." he stopped for a moment and the penny dropped, "She's a he?"

"Not any longer, and with her implants I doubt she could pretend to be one anyway."

"Sae Esmond is sending mair rubbish tae us tae keep his hands clean? He did this with Debbie, didn't he?"

I nodded.

"Have ye taken the girl on yet?"

"I don't know if her application has been accepted yet, but I gave her a verbal acceptance while we were talking."

"Och, ye muppet, we cud hae rung all sorts of concessions frae him."

"That isn't how I operate and you know it."

"I ken and ye'll never get oot o' this place if ye dinna learn tae barter."

"I'm quite content to stay here indefinitely."

"Aye, I can see that."

"So we hae tae deal wi' thae shitstorm an' Esmond carries on tae a gong, wi' his reputation intact?"

"Something like that, but we've done it before and may always need to do it again. If we accept her application, then she's one of my post grad students, and I protect my students as best I can."

"Aye, sae ye dae, weel' ye'd better decide whit ye want me tae dae tae help ye then."

I wrapped him in a big hug, "You are amazing, Daddy, no wonder I love you."

"Aye, we ken that already, I'd better be gang back tae ma office an' check ma ammunition." He pecked me on the cheek and went back to his lair. I meanwhile checked with Diane that Trish wasn't being a nuisance. She told me in glowing terms that Trish had enabled her to practically finish the places we were offering in half the time she usually took.

"I hope she mentioned the fact that her sister wrote the program you used?" I saw Trish going rather red.

"I meant to," she stammered and Diane and I laughed.

The next day, the Countess herself brought in the application and asked if she might speak to me. I was in my office checking the spreadsheet Trish had played with the day before. Annoyingly it seemed to be correct. I was wanting to find fault, knowing I wouldn't, when my phone rang. I didn't want to take a call or see anyone but its insistent ringing caused me to lose my concentration. I threw down my pencil in frustration and picked up the phone. "Yes?" I growled down it.

"Who stole your lollipop?" asked Diane which made me laugh, "I have the Countess of Surrey here to see you if she may."

"Any chance of a coffee?" I asked quietly.

"If you behave yourself," she shot back.

"Yes, Mummy," I said in a little girl voice and she roared with laughter.

"I suppose you want two coffees?"

"Yes, Mummy, proper coffee not that stuff you drink."

"Huh, instant is alright for the plebs, is it?"

"Why ask me, I'm not one. I'm a genuine aristoprat." I said in as posh a voice as I could manage.

"Okay, I'll send her in."

She knocked and entered, "You have a good rapport with you PA."

"Yeah, if I'm naughty she makes me stand in the corner." I said this deadpan and she looked at me for a moment processing what I'd said then laughed.

"I can't see Prof Herbert doing that."

"Ah but he's too busy shagging them, I can't because I'm a woman, so don't have the inclination and I am happily married to a lovely man."

"Glad to hear it," she'd arrived in jeans and a sweatshirt, probably Gucci. "If you're an aristoprat what does that make me?"

"A silver spoon sucker," I suggested and she laughed again.

"'Old Etonian silver spoon sucker,' if you don't mind."

"I didn't think you'd want to publicise a handicap?"

"Touché," she replied.

"Look, if you went into politics, it would almost guarantee you a cabinet post, in biology it may hinder your progress."

"Among the Guardianistas, you mean?"

"I suppose, yes."

"It didn't stop you, did it?" she threw back at me.

"I went to a grammar school, I was an educated pleb."

"Oh, of course, you sold your soul for a title?"

"I'm a scientist so don't believe in souls, besides it was only my body and the title came as part..."

"...Of the compensation package, you told me."

"You're um, gender status doesn't seem to have held you back."

"Not really, some have a problem with it but it's so long ago, most have forgotten."

You really are most convincing, lots of surgery?"

"No, I was AID, never had a hint of a male puberty. This is the last time I want to talk about this. Have you sent in the application?"

"I have it here," she waved an envelope about which she pulled from a voluminous bag.

"Give it to Diane on the way out."

"That's it?"

"Only if you've finished your coffee, but I really have mountains of paperwork to shift. Besides we've had gender dyphoric students before, and a word to the wise, don't make an issue of it, you present as female and tell us as such, we will treat you as such. We have a firm difference and diversity policy. I suspect clothes from the local M&S or local shops would make you stand out less and you need to blend in if you can. Remember, you want the students to believe you are all girl, so copy their gestures and the way they move and speak, lighten your tone or pitch just a little and don't overdo the makeup. Most female students don't wear it to lectures or fieldwork.

"Once you have applied, we'll protect you as best we can unless you are courting trouble and then you are on your own. Tell us at the first sign of a problem and we may be able to head it off. Work hard and be nice to people, don't flaunt your wealth, it's costing most of them a fortune which they have as student loans and don't lord it over them and you'll do alright. Oh, and the same goes for the staff. Most of them are nice people who will help you with your studies and we have student health to help you with personal matters, they have trained counsellors. Welcome to Portsmouth, I hope you'll be happy for the two years of your degree. Give the envelope to Diane and she'll talk it through with you. She's very good and has worked at a few universities, so she's very experienced and she has no problem with different people."

"Okay, I'll leave you to your paperwork."

"Ask Diane to see if any of the post grads are in, they'll possibly show you around the labs etc."

"I will, thank you, Lady Cameron."

"Nah, it's just Cathy Watts here, with professor attached somewhere."

"Thanks anyway whoever you are today," she gave a little bow and let herself out. I sat and wondered how it would all pan out. If she did as I asked she'd have support from other students and staff, so if the brown stuff hit the air conditioning, we'd try to protect her and close ranks. If she didn't, we were all in for a rough ride, her especially, particularly if the lesbian TERFs got wind of it or the God Squad, who can be equally vicious and vacuous and decidedly unChristian in their actions. I suspect Esmond got rid of her to avoid dealing with the TERFs, of which there is an established group at Sussex, hell, they even had a professor, of philosophy, I think, who was an out-and-out TERF, and who resigned after squabbles with trans students. For someone so educated, she was very simplistic in her understanding of trans issues. I'm sure Daddy has spoken to him by now.

Talk of the devil, he phoned to invite me to lunch, probably to pass on the gossip he'd got from Sussex and how Esmond had shat all over us again. I shall never get this bloody spreadsheet checked - I just hoped Trish did it properly.