The Weekly Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3456 by Angharad Copyright© 2024 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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288 dozen for dodecaphiles, also a 3456 run.

She accepted the mug of life giving fluid and her red eyes smiled at me despite the feelings she was trying to mask. She thanked me, something Trish was increasingly unlikely to do. I felt that Trish, somehow after living with friends in Switzerland, had seemed to outgrow us, which if that was the case and it was her opinion, then she would have to go it alone and see what happens. If it didn't work out then she'd be welcome to come back to us. Meanwhile I had other fish to fry as the saying goes, where all these axioms come from, I have no idea. Half the time they seem to be universal truths and the rest of it, they're total rubbish. Red sky at night and so on.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Danni.

"Oh, nothing. I find my mind races down cul-de-sacs every so often. Age I suppose."

"Does that mean you're tired of me whingeing about my forced femme status?"

"Of course not, sweetheart, I love you so I am distressed to see you upset. I had hoped you had come to terms with your situation and were ready to move on." It was difficult to describe how I felt without sounding selfish to her.

"I had hoped I had dealt with it too, and playing for England helped, but that didn't really improve my situation, did it?"

"To a certain extent life is what you make it. I know that we all have things we can't change or need help to deal with, but we have more control at times than we believe and sometimes we hand that control to others, deliberately or by accident. There are always others who are willing to take advantage of us, and always those who seem happy to cede control to them."

"I'm not one of those am I?"

"No, certainly not, you are usually one to try and make the best of a situation, you prove that on the soccer pitch quite regularly. I've seen you rescue games that seemed beyond redemption, and go on to win and the rest of your team regain some confidence and start believing in themselves. You inspire others."

"On a soccer pitch, maybe, but in real life where there are many more scenarios, I don't do so well, do I?"

"That's not what I see, life gave you a talent and that gave you a confidence in other things; you're a leader and that self-belief inspires that in others."

"Guess I get that from you." She gave me a lovely smile.

"Does it matter from whom you get it, it's there and mostly you take full advantage of it."

"I like to think that I get it from my mum, she always seems to cope whatever," I blushed, if it came from me then it was something that she had acquired, not being my natural child, although most of the time we didn't remember that.

"I don't think it matters where it comes from as long as you are able to use it."

"Don't you want me to inherit things from you?"

"Apart from my money?"

"I don't need it at the moment."

"That's nice to know," I replied.

"I don't think Trish can say the same."

"We all have different needs, mine is to see you all safe and happy."

"Why is everything you want so simple compared to everyone else?"

"I try to keep things simple, easier to remember. What do you want?"

"I don't know anymore," she started to sob, "Why is everything so hard?"

"It seems to be a law of paradoxes that simple things are the hardest to understand or to achieve."

"Shouldn't that be a law of perversity."

"Well paradoxes are perverse, because they seem to infer the opposite to what logic would imply."

"Run that past me again, will ya?" So I did and more slowly. I could see her lips moving as she digested what I'd said. "Okay, I see what you're saying."

It felt like a first year lecture, especially the introductory one I always do. By the time we get to dormice they seem to understand English miraculously; see you didn't know that cuteness is close to comprehension.

"So will I ever be happy?"

"You are when you're kicking a football around," I tried to keep it simple.

"Alright, I'll give you that but I can't do it all the time."

"Well realised, now all you need to understand is none of us is happy all the time."

"Doh, I know that," she said looking as if I told her a truism that she already knew, which she almost certainly did.

"So why are you seemingly looking for it all the time?"

"Am I? I didn't think I was."

"At best we can hope for contentment, which is not complacency. To be content is to be satisfied with what you have but doesn't preclude looking to improve things, it means some degree of understanding, to be complacent means you no longer try to change things; but only those things which can be changed. If you want miracles, you're likely to be disappointed and that leads to frustration and disenchantment."

"I know all this, Mummy, so why are you telling it to me?"

"Ah, knowing and understanding are different."

"I know."

"We already got that far it's understanding you seem stuck on."

"Like how?" asked Danni, "I know I'm stuck with this body and I understand that, I know theoretically it could be changed but I am so female looking now, it's not gonna change anything. I'm stuck with things as they are, I understand that, so where did I go wrong, oh great parent?"

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Missy."

"Well you talk a load of bollocks and make it seem like it's so profound."

"Damn, don't tell the First Years, or my secret will be out."

She burst out laughing, "You silly bugger."

"Now you do understand." I told her gently.

"How can you say that, nothing has changed?"

"Not externally, but you have."

"I have, how?"

"An hour ago you were upset, now you feel nowhere near as bad, do you?"

"No, I suppose not," she said having listened to her feelings for a moment, "No, I don't."

"Because you have thought about what you know and integrated it to become part of your understanding. Understanding doesn't always bring happiness because some things we understand are sometimes painful to us or others at first; but the deeper we understand things we can't change and really see that, then we achieve contentment of a sort, but it doesn't mean in the future the status quo has to remain. As circumstances change so must our response in order to deal with them. Understanding things then means you may wish to change them or possibilities arise which makes change realistic."

"Since when did you get this philosophical, Mummy, I usually see you as action woman."

"You can only act upon things you understand, sometimes that happens very quickly like when someone comes to attack you. You understand if you let them you'll regret it, so action to diminish the attack is taken. That might only take milliseconds but it's how we work when we are at the top of our game. Sometimes it means we have to act to prevent threats, such as finding Trish."

"I think I understand, I just hadn't thought of it like that."

"Lifelong learning, is what true education is about and it does that by teaching not what to learn but how to. If we do our job properly you'll know what you need as you progress through your career and life. "

"Wow, my mum the philosopher."

"I try to be when I have time, talking of which I think bedtime is here." She looked at her watch and yawned, "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Night Mum, and thanks for all the bull shit." She smiled and went to her bedroom.

I thought about the conversation I'd just had with Danni, it was both light and profound at times. I'd never be able to have a similar one with Trish because she seemed unable to look at herself except in an objective sense, analysing everything as if mathematics would provide answers when emotion is needed. Trish couldn't access her emotions like Danni could because her intelligence gets in the way. Sometimes you don't need to know why you feel something, you just need to go with the feeling and experience it, which is what I was trying to teach Danielle. She took some of it on board, Trish wouldn't or couldn't, her ego would mean if she couldn't see what I meant, she would dismiss it as rubbish. She knows she is clever in lots of ways, particularly when pure logic is needed. Give her a mathematical problem and she is in heaven and as she can solve them faster than anyone else I know, I watch that smugness become arrogance, which is not so likeable. It also means that she misses a side that most of us experience much of our life. It can enhance or disturb in equal amounts and one of the aspects of it that many of us experience is love, falling in or out of. Either way it can dominate our lives when it happens and can be delightful or painful. It's what our teens are about, learning to control the effect of our hormones. Some never do and are like M C Beaton's Agatha Raisin, who falls in love in every book. It's irritating at times but we also know it's how she solves the cases she investigates.

I don't know if Trish is capable of falling in love or lust, at times I think she is the living embodiment of Mr Spock from Star Trek, all logic and no emotion. The latter is what makes us human and often means we get it wrong, but it makes us at times, loveable or likeable. It was shown some time ago that many of the decisions we make are not driven by logic but emotion. Most of us don't accept that, but if you allow the premise and let yourself look at some major decisions, you can see that many of them are made by a feeling. Get this one or don't do that because the feeling you have in your gut tells you not to. Remember that desire or yearning are emotionally based. My desire to live as female wasn't based on logic, it was on a feeling which I then used logic to show my body wasn't developing as normal male and that supported what I yearned for, so I used it to confirm my feelings. It could have been wrong and could have been a huge mistake. I was fortunate, it wasn't and I have lived as female with few problems, I fell in love with a man, who I adore and he does me. We are happy together although his work is so demanding I don't see him as often as I'd like. The same I hope could be said of me, my work life is too busy and I neglect other things because of it. One day I shall move on and do something else, breed dormice or study something else, or maybe just become a housewife for my husband and be bored to death. But that's for the future, for now I have some children who look to me as their mother. It's something I never ever thought I'd experience and they are really my priority, no matter their age, not because it makes me feel female, which it does, but because they gave me their trust to protect them and rear them with love. I love each one, and would die for each of them if it were necessary, so far it hasn't been.

I went to bed and lay awake for a while thinking about my chat with Danni. I did some analysing on myself, no not Trish-like stuff, I counted my blessings and then thought how emotion affected me. Probably the biggest barrier was to accept that there may be things we can't measure or understand properly yet, religion is a case in point. I still feel very negative about it because it is largely about manipulating people's fears with promises of eternal life or a rescue service like the RAC - when you need it, the sky fairies will save you. Sadly it doesn't happen, remember St Paul was expecting the second coming in his life time, it didn't happen nor has it since, and I'd guess it never will, but it gives some a comfort (like an insurance policy that never pays out). It's all based on emotion which is why it makes enemies very quickly when you argue. Someone arguing against what we feel are deep emotions makes us close down and refuse to see an argument no matter how compelling.

So where do I put my experiences of the goddess and the blue light? I have agreed that she exists and so does the blue light, but it goes against my map of the universe although experience tells me that it exists. I don't know how I shall integrate it into my life but that is for another day.

I fell asleep with a feeling that she was watching me, was that pure emotion? Who knows?