The Weekly Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 3444 by Angharad Copyright© 2024 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
~~~~~287 dozen for dodecaphiles~~~~`

When people hire our facilities for conferences they also hire the use of technicians to run slides and audio for the academic sessions. Most of them have been at university and many of them will have masters or doctoral degrees as well. That doesn't mean they won't get drunk or bunk off like any other delegates because as I have mentioned before, intelligence doesn't stop you doing stupid things. Consider the majority of cocaine used in this country; it's used by wealthy, clever people who are bored or anxious or depressed, sometimes all three. I have no sympathy - they chose their careers and their lifestyle. If that includes snorting coke, that is their business but if I catch them doing it on university property, I will bust them and police will be called. I do it with our own students as well. If they chose to feed their noses rather than minds, we will offer support if they want to get clean, otherwise it isn't a case of my way or the highway, we send them down and also may prosecute. The official line is no tolerance of drugs, whatever they are except alcohol or tobacco and the latter isn't to be used in any of the rooms, including bathrooms. As we don't encourage its use we don't have outside facilities for smokers, so they may well get wet or freeze their arses off in winter.

All this is made abundantly clear in our welcome pack. 'You can't do this or that but have a good time.' We have to have policies against antisocial behaviour and illegal activities. It doesn't stop students walking off with library books, some of which are worth a hundred pounds or more. The librarians send them letters and emails but that's all we do. I tried to suggest we withhold degrees if the book is over a hundred pounds, but the university council wouldn't back me; poor little students, they work so hard under so much stress. That applies to one or two and they usually return their books. Most are suffering from self imposed stress by preferring to spend time at the student's union, getting pissed or laid, or both. We let them get away with it to a large extent but I'm a puritan when it comes to self-responsibility. One term, because university may be the first time they've been away from home, and we don't know what their family lives are like, but afterwards the work rate is expected to rise and the pressure, and we expect them to knuckle down and work. If they don't we offer some support, but then it's up to them. It's not a holiday camp for bored adolescents, it's a place of learning and we have some very good departments here, leaders in their fields, my own department being one of them, but our palaeontology department is quite often in the news with discoveries and new theories. As I have said before, for a small university we punch above our weight in lots of areas; it's my ambition to keep it that way but there is funding crisis coming in university education. Administrations often don't see these things coming nor do they appreciate it when we point it out to them; apparently, they prefer to behave like ostriches and probably lay as many eggs.

Now back to the conference. I had been volunteered to lecture on biodiversity loss, something which it appears we are the best at in Europe. We have higher rates than any other country. That isn't the fault of universities, we have been shouting about this for years, but we will be the ones expected to sort it. So I can give you a list of things where conservation is working but it's a drop in the ocean compared to where things have lost species or where development or agriculture is continuing to erode the countryside and its wildlife. We have loads of sewage fungus but not invertebrates or fish in our rivers. The previous government couldn't give a shit, and when they did it ended up in one of our rivers or lakes.

I had arrived at university early, had a cuppa with Diane, then went down to the lecture hall the conference was using. I went to see John one of our senior technicians and gave him my thumb drive of slides I was going to use. He quickly viewed some of them and nodded. I explained I had replaced a guest speaker and would talk to the slides and that they were in five or six categories that Danni and I put together yesterday. He said he would support me as best he could. I knew I could rely on him and he appreciated me going to see him whenever I lectured and he was my tech. I told him there was a bottle of plonk in my office for him when we had finished. He smiled, I knew he didn't drink very much and a bottle of good quality wine would be savoured when he got home.

Okay, I treat people as I would like to be treated. He's only doing his job and is remunerated for it. But I know if the wotsit hits the spinning thing, he'll do his best for me to keep the audio and video equipment working and minimise any disruption. It's his job, I know, but I also know he'll walk the extra mile for me.

I was wearing a Chanel dress with a jacket. It was one of Stella's cast offs. It looked better on me now than when she gave it to me, my figure had filled out in boobs and hips. I had to watch what I ate from time to time but my waist had stayed trim. I was wearing high heeled shoes that had been a present from Simon, he didn't know it at the time and when I told him, he simply shrugged. They were relatively comfortable and I knew I could wear them all morning. I hoped to escape at lunchtime.

I met the conference organiser and suddenly discovered I was the keynote speaker for that day. That shook me. I thought I was just filling a gap and I was winging it to do that. This news meant my lecture wasn't going to be the review I'd intended but something much more, almost a call to arms to ecologists. Oh boy, as if I didn't have enough on my plate. I was to be the last speaker of the morning and had been given an hour's slot, the rest only had half of that. Oh boy, two or three speakers then coffee and then I was on. Shit I can't run fast in this outfit and shoes. I shall have something to say to Daddy later, 'only gap plugging,' my arse.

My mind was working in hyper mode trying to think how I could make the most of my slides. I decided I would start by hammering every point in as passionate a way as I could and try and observe the response from the audience. Henry the Vth it wasn't but some of Shakespeare's theatrics might just be useful. Eventually, the coffee break was over and I was on. Here goes nothing, I thought to myself, it's shit or bust.

I was introduced by the session's chair and notice Tom sneaking in and sitting next to Danni. Great, if I cock up, I'll never hear the end of it." Hi, I'm Cathy Watts and as your chairman said I'm here to cover for one of your colleagues who is sick with Covid. I'd like to pause just a moment and send the best wishes of the conference to him for a speedy recovery, they say this latest mutation isn't very nice. Although I'm a professor of biological science, I am by training and inclination an ecologist, I'm happier out chasing dormice than being here at this particular moment, and my hope is that the rest of you don't think the same of me when I've finished,

"I was volunteered yesterday to do this talk so you'll have to bear with me and I hope will be tolerant if it wasn't quite what you were expecting. My fame such as it is, or notoriety which is more likely, is partially due to this," and I showed the Youtube clip of Spike parachuting down my blouse. I assured them she had a soft landing, which got a laugh. They were doing their best to go with me. I then added, "Ecologists get some unusual requests." I showed a clip of me getting Bramble out of a tin she'd got stuck on her head. I then showed me in all my glory as Lady Macbeth. They were all laughing now and I knew I had them.

"I don't take myself too seriously but I take my job very seriously. I study dormice and have written papers, books and even made films about them. I am passionate about them and I hope because of my efforts, they are increasing here in south Hampshire. I don't work on my own, unless I'm boring folk in conferences, but with a team. We all support each other." They liked that and started to applaud but I waved them to stop, "Don't they'll all get big headed," more laughter. I'm here to talk about biodiversity loss, so it's nice to show an example of gain." More applause. I nodded and smiled then I hit my rhythm. I had set the slides under four or five categories that causes loss of biodiversity and I railed against all of them, pollution of water courses showing faeces and condoms floating in a river, climate change, photos of flooding and dead animals in a drought, building sites showed loss of habitat, especially when I was able to show before and after slides, often of the loss of woodland or hedgerow.

I spoke with passion and with the need for action, for the recording and publishing of papers showing what we were doing wrong about the damage climate sceptics were doing the cause, and the need to tell as many of the public what was happening. "It's okay to speak of 70 or 80% loss of insects, how do ordinary people relate to that. Tell them that's why they don't see swifts anymore, they have no food. Why aren't they seeing butterflies in their gardens? Can we blame agriculture for all of it. No, because wildlife sympathetic farmers are like gold dust and must be encouraged. Sort out the government's payments to farmers, we still need food, pay them to respect nature and their land, it's priceless. Educate them, we need insects to pollinate their crops, we need insects full stop. Birds need insects and so do fish and mammals. We all need them, and the greater the biodiversity the better it will be for all of us.

"When I was a girl, I used to pond dip at a stately home. I kept meticulous records of what I saw and the assemblages. I showed the groundsman what my figures were showing, I even managed graphs. My inverts were dwindling and quite suddenly. He investigated and found it was due to one of the new groundsmen using too much of a pesticide. They stopped him as it was a case of his lack of experience, but things were improved and the following year my inverts were back to near normal.

We can all make a difference; okay it's small scale but we need to inform everyone to make changes to stop pollution, to stop eroding the countryside, to stop eutrophication. To try to limit climate change and to stop persecution of wildlife, even rats have their place, mainly in Westminster," I threw in an aside and they laughed.

"Thank you, I'm Cathy Watts, be safe." I stopped and they all rose to their feet applauding. I bowed and went to leave the stage but the chairman stopped me mouthing 'questions' at me. I stopped and of course realised they'll know I was flying by the seat of panties when I try to answer questions.

However, buoyed by my apparent tirade they were more comments than questions and I was presented with a bouquet and able to escape. I met up with Tom and Danni who both thought my switch to emoting was just the right element to get them all going. I spoke quietly to Daddy, "Next time you're in the shit, don't expect me save you, that talk shortened my life by weeks." He blushed and looked away. Replying that he knew I was up to it. "Come on," he said, "lunch is on me," and steered us towards my car., tuna salad with a jacket potato looked just the ticket and I was hungry.