Brian wanted to get in touch with his feminine side, and hopefully get some female help in doing so. The desire to see himself as a convincing girl has long passed… Time and events have helped Jenny to emerge more than she dared to have imagined… Brian is relegated to the past and now the one deep inside and Jenny is in the process of living her new life, even pregnant with new life…

It was the middle of the night and I was in my fifth month of pregnancy and I was having trouble sleeping. Part of it was I already had two recurring dreams: One was James and me on the beach of Key Largo from when we visited the Florida Keys. The other was when Officer Crebs arrested me after I slapped his hand for groping me.

It was Officer Joey Drew that now had my attention. It was how he touched me that was coming to my mind. Officer Drew’s touch was very gentle. It dawned on me that he was repulsed by Officer Crebs, as though he might be an unwilling part of what was happening. I got up, found my smartphone and text Monica Morgan. “I think Officer Drew might be good to go undercover in the LGBT community. Please call me in the morning.” I stayed up long enough to have a cup of mint tea and then back to sleep. The rest of the night was a peaceful sleep.

Responding to my request, Monica called me at 7:30 a.m., “Whether you’re up or not you should be!” was the beginning of Monica’s conversation. “So what is this about that Officer Drew should be going undercover for the group he was harassing?”

I said to her, “Drew was not comfortable harassing me, I know that now. I think he’s either gay or transgender. Officer Crebs must have used that to get away with what he did. I was wondering if Officer Drew might be able to save his badge on the police force by going undercover.”

Monica asks, “Did you realize he’s married and he’ll be losing his position? But A.I.D. agrees with you that he was somehow coerced in going along with things. However, he showed poor judgment and his character should have been stronger. Even if he's willing to go undercover, we need to be assured that he would not be hurting anyone, especially within the LGBT community. I don’t see any way of doing that.”

I asked, “When is he likely to be let go of? And is he to be charged?”

Monica says, “I don’t know for sure, it should be sometime this week. As far as criminal charges, they are likely to be made at the same time or within a day after that.”

I ask, “Would it be possible that we could interview him yet today or tomorrow with one of the A.I.D.’s officials present?”

She says, “Johnson in covert operations, they would need to be in on it as well. But I’m afraid we will only be delaying the inevitable.”

A thought hits me, “What if Crebs having gotten away with this before, means there are more officers and someone over them is enabling this to continue in the department?”

I hear a hum at the other end of the phone, Monica then speaks up, “If that were true, why hasn’t Drew said anything?” There’s another pause, Monica says, “Get yourself to my office within an hour. I answered my own question. If Drew’s willing I think it might work.”

Sarah Greenleaf was not happy that I would be late in getting to work; she did insist I get there when I could.

My skirt was a simple wrap around skirt with a white satin top. My makeup was simple and my hair went up into a ponytail. I wasn’t very dressed up. I usually take more pride in my appearance, I’m just simplifying my look.

Monica greets me in her office and two other officers join us. Everyone is in plain clothes. Johnson is right to the point saying, “I’m open to using Joey Drew but how can we determine that he’s a good risk?”

I ask, “How are you going to feel if he’s gay or transgender?”

Johnson replies, “If he’s going to be good, his sensitivity needs to come from somewhere. I am not saying the whole Philadelphia police force will be there for him. But he could be part of our ongoing group, and he could fit in as an important member.”

Monica asks, “Would people be open to the three of us meeting with Drew and A.I.D. observing from the other side of the glass?”

Bidwell from A.I.D. says, “We proceed from the idea that he’s already on his way out. We need to be certain if we’re changing that.”

I was purely an observer the first twenty meeting with Joey. The longer we meet, I feel more assured he had been used. He was leaning toward where I thought his identity lied. But I knew he was being protective and he had not yet impressed anyone.

Finally, I asked him, speaking softly, “Joey, I’ve seen other reports that were discounted about you and Officer Crebs. Two times, they like me experienced you as a person who was very different from Crebs… The woman you reportedly raped likened you to another woman in your sensitivity. Did Crebs see the same as a weakness?” I paused and then continued, “Let’s say, it wasn’t abusive but something else. That somehow that could be seen as a plus for covert work, would you be willing to tell us?”

It was obvious to Monica and Johnson, Joey was having trouble acknowledging a feminine side. Finally, I asked, “Joey are you use to becoming warm and moist?” It became obvious he was shocked and couldn’t deny he was.”

Then I asked, “Joey what does your wife think about you and you're likely being kicked off the force?”

He’s looking down, “My wife has known. The only thing she’s upset with is I’m taking the fall for Crebs. But the others who knew would never do anything about him! What was I to do?”

I quickly looked toward the mirror, through the one-way glass and Bidwell. I couldn’t know he was saying, “Crebs has been a cop longer, Drew’s dismissal is to send Crebs the message that such action won’t be put up with.”

Later Monica is perturbed, “Crebs’ the one who’s the worse of the two. Joey needs to be upfront in the future if he’s to be any good.”

Johnson says, “If my group catches Crebs with his pants down. He just might break before he ever got back to any station.” Johnson tells the others, “I’ve reached an agreement with Officer Drew. Let’s have Joey Drew be put on the slow route to suspension. That way no one will be looking for him to be working with us.” Joey wasn’t excited about it, but it was the best offer he had. He’d end up being a very good undercover cop, taking on various identities.

I liked finally getting back to Sage Ideas and Sarah has no shortage of work for me. But it was capped with a relaxing wine dinner for the two of us. Sarah says, “I like what you and Jim decided to do in remodeling your house. He says enough will be done by the time the babies come. How are you feeling?”

“We need to get the Performing Arts Center back in full swing. The other engineers and I like the construction team you’re pulling together to do it. Do you really think you can pull them on board to working under our banner?”

I say, “Your Uncle is the one who put me onto Richards. He’s smart, hardworking and has taken the crap from too many other contracting companies not to like our style. Between the skilled people, he’s got to come with him and picking up a crew being laid off from Central Contractors. We’re being there for these guys at the right time.”

Sarah smiles as she tilts her glass, “But what are they going to think about working with all the women we have?”

“Burt Richards and I met that concern head-on in our meetings. The guys can be as gruff as they want, but if they start getting demeaning they’re gone. Burt said, “I want a productive crew, that negative crap has no place with me.”

“Burt was more concerned with us being true to good work getting good treatment.”

“I plan on him and his team retiring with us. I’d be more concern with not following through on our word.”

Sarah said, “I put the agreement down in writing, wasn’t that enough with him?”

I tell Sarah, “Burt has had it with too much paper mean nothing. …I was more impressed about how he’s going about to build that foundation connecting the large performance center and the structures at both ends. He says, he’d like to dig deeper with the footings and make them and the foundation wider. He likes the new material and the quality of the foundation we are going to lay.”

Sarah informs me, “They’ve already begun breaking ground and are into solid bedrock.

She says, “Are you willing to take over the Equestrian Center at Upper Valley again? We have not changed anything of note. I think they would like to have you back on that project. I think the professors and the students have trouble believing how the labs and classroom area above the stables and arenas will be conducive to their work.”

I said, “I told them how we’re doing it. You know where the filtered air for the top floors is being drawn from. They should be happy, others with the same stinkin’ thinking will keep others away long enough for them to establish it as their area. It will esthetically look like a beautiful mammoth barn and blow people’s minds once they see it all working. I don’t think Penn State will be matching it anytime soon. The college will be able to host events that most others can’t.”

It was my second appointment of the summer when Cassie was allowed to give me an exam before Dr. Crouse came into check me. It was an awkward time even though Cassie and I were good friends. Dr. Crouse explained our being uncomfortable was because we were such good friends. It was why she had Cassie examine me and hopefully get that put aside. Dr. Crouse explained, “Cassie during her career will probably have many patients who had been friends. She needs to learn to be professional in the office and around her patients. It is not good for a doctor to excuse being a good professional with her friends.” It was strange to hear Cassie share her report talking about me as another patient.

The babies were due in a few weeks and they talked about the position of my babies. One looked like the position of her head and feet at birth was not yet fully decided. It scared me and concerned the doctors. It was explained if the first baby came feet first it would likely mean I would have them both by Cesarean section. They were already worried about how my body would function during the stress of childbirth.

James and I had taken Lamaze classes and we're looking forward to seeing the babies being born. I remembered Maluah and Jane telling me I had been blessed and would have children. It might be silly, even childish but I was holding onto that with certainty.

My emotions were raised again with a call from Monica Morgan the reporter with the Philadelphia newspaper wanting to get the inside track for when I have my babies. She had heard there might be two. She was pleased to hear that was true and I had been doing fine. I agreed to see her but I’m afraid I might cry or show I’m afraid.

I call Barb my sister-in-law and Cathy one of the girls I dated when I was a boy. They both have children and are amused the boy they once knew is now having fears and feeling that tension with motherhood. I’m encouraged to come home to meet with Barb. I am surprised with a baby shower. My parents’ sisters, my other sister-in-law, neighbors and three women my age from school are there along with Kathy and Barb. My big surprise is Ruth Ottoman Strauss has come from Philadelphia. Grandma is there as I would have hoped. I didn’t realize gifts of little outfits for my babies would mean so much. Again I was crying.

The other women are as impressed as I am surprised by how my breasts are already filling out. Large breasts are something that I had long desired, but now I am taken with the fact they will allow me to nurse twins. Barb, Ruth and other women taunt me with the pain I will have nursing twins chomping and sucking on my breasts. The idea of babies nursing is so beautiful, I pay no mind.

Earlier James and I had bought one beautiful bassinet. Mrs. Burgmann had found and purchased one that matched what we had. Ruth and her mother had bought a nice changing table with extra high sides. Barb had given me a mobile with different colors and objects to amuse my babies. I had not known when I got home, James would have the nursery finished. The bassinets would be in our room early on.

Sitting in the nursery envisioning my/our babies brought me to tears. I am getting frustrated crying over so many little things. James comes beside me, caressing one breast. “James don’t do that I’m so afraid they are going to start oozing out milk or I am going to get too aroused and won’t be able to do anything to sooth my desires.”

It was ten days before I was due and Cassie was staying with us as she worked today and again for the next two days. It was eleven at night and I wet the bed and raise my voice in frustration. Cassie told me to relax as she would change our bed for me. She quickly decided, my water had broken so ever little. She told James before she asked where my bag was for going to the hospital.

She checked me and was sure I needed to go to the hospital to have my babies. She was sure I could be driven by James. She had called both to the hospital and to Dr. Beverly Crouse. One of the other partners was on call, but Crouse was wanting to be the one who was delivering my babies. James was to give the information, but the Admissions person insisted on me giving her information and her giving me my identification wristbands. That wait raised my anxieties and I was becoming upset.

Once I was changed and ready Dr. Crouse had me with my legs up and she was examining me which included breaking my water sack all the way. I was already dilated 3 cm. I was reminded the magic number was ten. It was soon after the water poured out that mild contractions started.

“What about the position of the babies? Can you tell which one is coming out first?” Dr. Crouse asked Cassie to inform me. “Jenny, you are alright, but it will be a few minutes before we can tell you for sure. It might be an hour or more before we can safely say; it could change real fast.”

One, maybe both babies were kicking hard; the first time one kicked at the top near my rib cage I cried out and Beverly and her nurse said that was good news. It was an indication that the baby moving to come out was head first. I was in fact dilated to seven and the baby was wanting to come. The vital sounds from the babies were strong and good. The first baby was causing me more pain with each contraction. The cleansing breaths and what I had learned seemingly helped. Dr. Crouse says I’m only experiencing mild labor pain so far.

I wanted to differ with her. Word came that my father, Ron, and Barb, as well as Anne, were all out in the waiting room. I didn’t think there was enough time for them to have arrived already but James told me, “It was two and a half hours ago since I called Sarah and asked her to call the others. Even James' Mom and Dad are already on their way.” Sarah was the next to have arrived.

I had been to ten centimeters a little while ago and I was being asked to push more and harder. With the next push, the pain jumped and Dr. Crouse announced the head was coming through the birth canal along with one shoulder. “Now push again and don’t let up until I say. …the shoulder is coming push, push harder. There it has slipped through and here she comes. She’s a darling.” Soon I hear her cry as the doctor lifts her and begins to pass her to the waiting nurse. “James would you please cut here between these two clips.” The cord is cut and shortly here comes her placenta.

Dr. Crouse steps back, and Cassie steps in to clean me up before the other baby begins to come. She tells me it can be a half hour, more likely one to three hours. I ask, “Can you tell which direction the baby is facing?” Dr. Crouse changes with Cassie and checks. “She has turned about all the way that we’d like.”

I could tell by her voice something was not as she wanted it. I asked, “So is there a problem?” No, the immediate response had me worried.

Dr. Crouse looked to Cassie and the nurse. “I think things will be okay but you need to cooperate with me. And if I need to change and take the baby; I want you to relax and cooperate. The cord is loosely around the baby’s neck. I hopefully can put my hand up there and slip it off. But I’d need to wait until it drops a bit and it might tighten.

"I could force myself up there and I’d probably take you some. My second choice is the other possibility is what I am leaning towards. My thought is before taking the baby by C-section, is that Cassie has narrow hands and much longer fingers. It would be her first time, but I am pretty sure she can do it.”

James and I begin to speak at the same time, “Doctor, we’d trust you and Cassie. We want her to see if she can do it.” They change positions, Cassie has changed gloves and is ready. “James and Jenny, I want you to go through your breathing exercises to help you relax as much as possible.” We are about through the exercise and I say to Cassie, “I think you can begin.”

Cassie says, “Be still and don’t push…” Cassie's hand had already begun, “I think I have it. It’s coming, it wants to slip but I’m in control.” She sighs, “Okay you can begin to push on the next set of contractions. …Here doctor.”

Dr. Crouse says, “You stay there and see this baby through the birth canal.” It takes another forty minutes though it seems like ten. Cassie is telling me to push and James helps me lean forward. “The head is crowning; she looks a little bigger but then I am not used to this yet. Push and keep pushing the baby’s head and shoulders are beginning to come. …Don’t let up, you’ve worked harder on the basketball court. ...Good relax a moment but not too much.” A contraction begins, Cassie just begins to ask and I am already pushing. James is encouraging me to continue. I have his hand and I am squeezing. He becomes quiet with his encouragement. Dr. Crouse asks me to push harder as Cassie’s announcing the shoulders and the baby coming out. The baby begins to cry as she puts the baby on my tummy. There’s the cry, doctor suctions out her nostrils and lightly wipes her. Cassie clips off the baby’s cord and asks if I want to cut the cord. I raise my shaking hand and opt not to. Cassie cuts it for me, “Ten toes and fingers everything looks good.”

Cassie looks up to James and me, “So is this baby Hope?”

I look to James and ask, “Would it be okay if we change it to Grace Margaret?” James gives me a warm kiss, “Honey you did beautifully. Grace is beautiful and fitting. I like the names.”

I say, “You only like the name?” James grins at me, “I love the name, I agreed joyfully with you it is her name. We have Faith and Grace and they are beautiful.”

Cassie turned to Dr. Crouse, “She is torn ever slightly. Do we need to stitch it?”

Dr. Crouse told Cassie no and suggests to James, “Dad, why don’t you go out and tell the others. Let us clean up Jenny and get her to her room. If you take your family and friends down to the cafeteria for breakfast. Jenny should be there by the time you get back.”

James asks, “How much do the babies weight?” I tell him 5 pounds and one ounce for Faith and five pounds and five ounces for Grace. They were both eighteen inches something for height.”

When I hear the doctor say they are both 18.25 inches, I ask, “Are they, identical twins?

Cassie said, “Grace has a dimple, I don’t remember about Faith.”

Dr. Crouse, “I’d call them identical, but let’s wait and see. Like your husband said Jenny, you did a beautiful job. I would hope you stop questioning if you’re a woman like the rest of us.”

I am in my room and the babies are being brought in by a young nurse. I soon become frustrated as Faith is reluctant to nurse. My nipple seems as large as her mouth. The nurse encourages me to be more firm in forcing Faith and upset with me when I am reluctant to force it more. An older nurse, Jane comes in and takes over. “Relax Mom we haven’t lost a mother or a baby to this.” She squeezes my nipple saying she’s sorry if it is uncomfortable. That the liquid that comes out is thicker than I thought milk should be.

She says, “This colostrum is especially important to the babies.” Faith’s lips are first wet with it and then the little tongue is responding to take it. The nipple is offered again and while she needs a little helping getting it in her mouth, she is now wanting to suck. When she shortly after she begins to get some, Jane takes her away.

It is now Grace’s turn to suckle from my left breast. She is also reluctant, but it is me who gently presses the nipple forcing the colostrum to begin coming. I am the one who pushes in the nipple into her cute little mouth. Mom, Marge Hamilton is in the room as I am nursing Grace. “O my Jenny you are such a beautiful Mom. You are glowing dear and Grace and Faith are both so beautiful.”

I say, “I see more of Sarah in her than James.”

Mom Hamilton says, “Their Dad looked a lot like his sister the first year. But they have your eyes and small hands, dear. It will be interesting to see if your Father remembers you as a baby. Whether he does or not you have a lasting imprint on the miracle of these two darling babies. Congratulations.”

It was the next day when the babies chomped down on my nipples and sucked hard enough and caused me pain. But I was also enjoying the fact that I could nurse. The day was very hot as I was wheeled outside to go home. I am surprised to see his Mom, the Grandmas in a horse-drawn carriage, drawn by my horse April pulling it. Fortunately, the sun is behind us and the carriage provides the needed shade from the sun.

Getting into the carriage took some effort, and I was concerned about trying to get down. Anne and Marge are there to hold the babies until I get down. I scoot over to the edge to begin getting down and James places his arms under me and lifts me up. He carries me all the way to the house.

His hug and kiss as he set me down, let me know I was loved as the woman of his heart. Sitting in the living area with a baby blanket over my shoulder and covering my breasts I nursed Grace and then Faith. Taking the time to burp them as well as change them when needed. James pulled the blanket away saying the girls nursing from me are beautifully natural.

The next day, Cassie stopped with Anne, Marcy and Dr. Heath. We sat around sharing with James how far I have come. There was a time neither them nor I were sure Jenny was hidden deep within Andrew. It took time, support and much more for Jenny to find her way to the surface.

We talked, About how many of us would ever find a mate to love us back or the friends and family we rightly deserve.

Life is just beginning for Jenny and her family.