Here I was home being gingerly walked up to the house. Cassie and I would stay but James and Anne stop in for only a short visit. Dad had been called ahead but he is still alarmed by what he sees of my condition.

Dad went into their bedroom, “Your daughter Jennifer is home. You need to know that she is okay, but she had quite the accident.” Mom and I both cried as we saw the other. Mom was sitting up in bed, looking quite frail, frailer than I ever saw her before. James shared, “Mrs. Green, Jenny was very anxious to get home, but she had been too tired to be doing her best driving.” Mom seemed to believe things.

Cassie and Anne visited with Dad and others, while James and I visited with mom. Anne came into visit before James and she had to leave.

Anne wanted to change her mind and be here for me, but at my urging, Cassie encouraged her to go back to Amber University. Cassie said, “Anne, you should be getting back and allow Jenny uninterrupted time with her mom.”

Cassie shared that others should be glad Anne and others were not staying. “While, Coach might understand our being gone today, she will want one of the team captains there tomorrow. She’ll want word on how Jenny’s Mom is as well as Jenny? I'll stay here to be close if Jenn needs someone.”

“What about the Coach?” Mom asked what that meant.

Cassie answered, “Coach is tough but push, come to shove and she will back her team. Someone needs to be there for her, she’s going to get flack for allowing us to be away when the spotlight is shining on the team and university. As much as the Championship means, you and Jenny mean as much and more.”

Anne and I both agreed she needed to return. I gave James and Anne hugs but I was not walking them out. Every movement causes me pain or discomfort. Cassie called her folks to say she was home but staying over with me for now. I gave her the keys to my car as I was not to be driving. I really wanted my car out of sight, since I was not really in an accident

It was evening and after family had been here and gone, mom confronted me. “Jenny, what really happened and is anyone else hurt?”

“What do you mean Mom?” She told me I was a hurting woman and she wanted to know what happened. I gave her a description that was bad enough, but not everything. She said, “Now we can spend some important time together.” Mom shared, “James and you might go through a tough time now and then, but you will need to give room for him to grow as a lover and husband.”

She continued, “I can’t believe how much you have grown as a woman. I’m proud.” I interrupt with a “But…” Mom says, “Yes, ‘but’ you need time and space because you have much growing yet to come as a woman. The transformation does not make up for the years others have grown up as a girl and woman.” Mom lifts my hands like she is looking closely at me, but she’s also trying to look inside of me. “You love him deeply, even though it’s been a short time, don’t you?”

I said, “Yes, Mom, I don’t understand it, but I’m already deeply in love with James. But like you say I’m growing as a woman. I’d like more time but we agree the wedding should be soon.”

Mom asked and I kind of lie. She said, “You’re not getting married soon because of me?”

“We are already set to look at churches in New York City for the wedding Mom. It is important to us.” All this was so hard like I’m trying to walk through a dream, while I’m living through a nightmare. I think doing so was the thing that kept me from falling apart. I very much wanted to believe the good I desire would come true.

Mom changed the subject and talks about basketball and my school work. I shared I could graduate in May, but President Campbell said she would not give me the actual engineering degree until I have a master’s or doctoral degree. I tell Mom, “That isn’t fair!”

Mom said “You know, it is right that an engineering degree needs more education than you have in that subject; you having a few semesters doesn’t quite make up for you to have a degree in engineering. If you wanted your degree this year in Business Administration you should have stayed at Upper Valley. She should save your engineering degree to be presented in two years.”

She said, “I saw the game from President Campbell’s. I am so proud of how you played. I only remember you playing out back with Cassie a time or two. She’s always impressed me, but this past year and the other day you impressed me. Dr. Campbell has given me a copy of the game; it would be fun to watch it together. You played an exceptional game young lady, I am very proud of you. You deserved the Most Valuable Player award.”

“Mom, you're prejudiced, Cassie or Stacy should have gotten that.”

“You got the Most Valuable Player Award that was not your decision but you should be happy about it.” Mom says, “While you earned it as much as Cassie, some say others did not want to acknowledge how good Cassie is.” That thought sucks, but its neat mom and I could share the moment.

After I finished visiting with Mom, I called Cassie and we talked. Cassie and I are special friends and a schism between us would hurt more than the rape. It would hurt more than the honor felt special. Cassie knew that and rose to the occasion; she celebrated for me. “They were right Jessie; we wouldn’t be undefeated without you nor champions.”

“Cassie, you are my best friend and you alone have my vote.”

Cassie would be voted to the third team of the NCAA Women’s Basketball. Stacy and Marcy received some votes and were listed as Honorable Mention. I had never realized how great the recognition was even to be in the latter group.

Bad talk continued from Duke and Connecticut about Amber needing to play one of them.

Coach called me daily to ask about my mom as well as myself. She encouraged me to take time 'for what is important' and we did not talk basketball. The lone exception was my most valuable player award. James was back with me Friday morning. I didn’t give him much attention other than let him hold and hug me or sit with me. It did feel good to have him there for me.

Mom was now getting out of bed and feeling better. Eating soft food like scrambled eggs or a tuna salad sandwich. We’d have a good time talking and snuggling. I felt like her little girl and I loved it.

Duke and Connecticut both won their games Friday evening. They will play each other Sunday evening.

Mom is the same Saturday morning, having a light breakfast. Just after noon mom begins to feel sick and then weakens rapidly. Dad tells me that she had continued to hurt and feel poorly since Tuesday. That her health had been failing the past month and she had chosen to minimize the pain and not undergo extraordinary measures.

Before she died around 3 p.m. Mom said to my Dad, brothers and me. “Thanks, I wanted to stay here at home.” Dad was a little upset that I honored mom’s wishes at the end and did not call the ambulance at 2:30. Hospice was there to keep her comfortable.

There was soon many there and over the next two days a strong presence of family and friends; as mom was well liked and respected. Dad was impressed by the turn out from Amber University as well the Hamilton family.

Unfortunately, I had to go to Philadelphia early Monday to speak to the police. I’m asked if I could identify the people who raped me. Out of three groups, I was able to identify two men. Vasquez was in the fourth group and Monica Morgan had each person share a statement, "You are a slut who" and Vasquez made the mistake of repeating it as he had spoken it to me, "You're a slut who loves it."

Officer Bentley shared Vasquez was probably calculated trying to psyche out me, because he would make sure I was threatened, if not severely hurt or killed. Douglas told me "You will be safe as James and I are seeing to that." I asked what he meant. Dougal shared James’ had friends from the Marines who had already landed on other members of the gang. Vasquez would probably not know how badly for another 36 hours.

Luckily, I did get home before family visitation at the funeral home.

Dad had asked on Sunday and again tonight for me to delay or call off my wedding, before the funeral.

I shared, "I would not call it off and would not decide anything right now. I have talked to James about the wedding but we would wait a few weeks before making any decision." Now, I just wanted to be a grieving daughter. The funeral would be big locally. I had Cassie, as my best friend sits with me at the funeral. My niece Kayla was on my other side. Cassie whispered, “Your Mom knew you’re her daughter. You were there and your Mom knows you love her.” I cry, just not out loud.

I did not know how much I looked like my mother until her sister and one of her brothers told me. My older two brothers agreed. They had all known my mother before she had gotten sick when I was yet six. While she was always precious to me, I really hadn’t seen and remembered her as she looked when she was younger, before she was sick. Somehow now it was more comforting that my appearance comes more from her genes than hormone shots and medicine.

I stayed home through the following Sunday. Getting back to AU and work was helpful. Coach shared she’s considering a game against Duke. Anne and I suggest she challenge to play Duke there, at their arena the week after graduation as a benefit game for children and not as an official game. She liked the idea and several of us combined our heads on how to make the challenge. Coach made the offer as take it or leave it. NCAA was not satisfied but is caught by surprise with Duke’s quick acceptance, before they sought to change the conditions.

President Campbell calls me in to share that I will be graduating with a liberal arts degree in general study and six credits being credited to my graduate degree in engineering. She is a bit surprised that I readily agree and very happy that I’ll be continuing my studies at Amber University.

Dr. Campbell confides in me that she understands much of what I’m going through. President Campbell openly shared, “The death of my own mother and my being a victim to rape; I know it is more trauma than any young woman should have.” I think she felt the need to share it, because of how I was stuffing things down inside of me.

There is a public presentation of our team’s championship trophy and my most valuable player award for the playoff championship. Cassie is also honored by some groups as the outstanding student-athlete in college women’s basketball. I tried to put on a strong front, but found myself giving way to tears. Like usual Anne embraces me and allows me to cry on her shoulder a considerable amount.

President Campbell has me over for dinner to comfort me. She led me to their upstairs guest room and encouraged me to take a nap. I felt childish in doing so, but she leant me a nightgown and left me alone to change. She came back in to tuck me in and sat until I fell to sleep. She would now be Aunt Jane. When I woke she told me James was joining us for dinner.

I have an appointment to meet with Monica Morgan the next day. I can’t say I am happy, but I know I need the help Monica will offer. Being apart from college, friends, and family I will give it a try.

I and others got pulled into the publicity and a couple of appearances for our challenge game with Duke. Many are surprised by our suggestion and readiness to play the game at Duke University. It was becoming the premier venue spot for women’s basketball. To me, it would be even more special than being at Madison Square Garden in NYC. We first encourage and then challenge celebrities and athletes to join us in making this the largest indoor women’s sporting event. If we fill the Duke arena as I first hoped, it would be the largest crowd to attend a women’s basketball game.

And if we entertained those who came and interested others in women’s basketball in particular or women’s athletics, in general, we would accomplish a lot more.

Our initial goal of raising $25,000, for the children’s hospitals of both communities was quickly reached and a goal of $100,000 was now being seen as low with the entrance of television coverage.

Once players from the Nets and Flyers announced they are coming in support of our team, the popularity with male athletes and celebrities takes fire. During an evening night show in NYC, I meet Sheryl Crow. She was to be appearing in Philadelphia a week later. She asked me during the show if we would be willing to receive her earnings from the Philadelphia Concert for the children’s funds. I ask, “What do we need to do?” She then asks, “Could you learn one of my songs to sing with me on stage?” I acknowledged knowing most of her songs, but I do not want to lessen the crowd. She suggests, if I or the team sang with her she might be able to add an extra show the next afternoon before she left town. Before they finished taping the show live they announced the second concert would be secured if people bought enough advanced tickets the following two days.”

Monica Morgan soon has me in a support group for women who had been raped. Heather a person in my support group asks me if I would go to a night spot with her. She wants me to talk to a few of the sisters who want to visit about rape and violence. I visited with Monica and part of my recovery was to openly talk with other women so abused. When Heather shares “sisters” I suspect it was a special community and it was.

It was a group within the lesbian community. Once I knew that Heather expected me to back off. My only reluctance was their experiences would out trump mine. We have two gatherings on successive nights, at the back of a night spot. Some 15 women attend and while the gathering goes well, I knew the reception was somewhat sedated.

Leaving the meeting I was invited to stay and dance. When I share that I’m not gay they ask if I ever danced with my girlfriends. I know I’m being tested, so I chose to stay. It turns out to be a fun evening. I am especially surprised at how I warmed up to two women in particular. Trude makes me especially hot and had no trouble understanding that.

I was told earlier that a slap on their leg was an invitation to sit there and get close. Trude beat me back to a seat and slaps her lap and when I said I shouldn’t. She says, “It sounds like you would like to sit down nonetheless.” She gently taps her lap again. She takes my hand and I sit down wrapping her hand and arm around me. I tell her, “I wouldn’t mind being with you, but not on display.” She shares her apartment is not far away.

“I am not interested in sex, but I miss affection and feeling safe.” I ask, “Can we have one more slow dance?” We do and when her hands slide down inside my slacks and onto my ass it feels good. I sought to return the favor and I’m surprised how nice it feels. I was up in her apartment until early morning sipping wine and talking with her. I know I couldn’t make a habit out of it, but it did felt good to just be there.

The following night’s group is stronger in numbers, as well as more open and honest in its communication. Monica Morgan encouraged me not to mix support with my social life so closely together. It becomes an ongoing group for that community of women and I attend for another month.

Work for A.J. Engineering Ideas Inc., AJEI, is progressing and growing slowly. I was stretched as far as I could be between college, engineering, and basketball. My studies had progressed far enough that I was becoming a contributor as one schooled in engineer as well as an idea person and illustrator.

James and I were doing relatively well, though I still have trouble being close with him when we're alone.

Anne and I feel a need to hire more staff people. But we are wanting someone special to be on board before others were asked on. I did call Sarah Greenleaf, James’ twin sister. She lives upstate in central NY and works as an architect with an engineering company not part from the family’s business. Anne and I go and visit with her. Anne is as impressed as I am and we offer her a position and a 20% ownership of the business within two years. She agrees in principle, but needs to talk with her husband and family; her immediate family, not the larger Hamilton family.

James and I are progressing in our love and relationship. James seems to know when another gal is taking personal interest in me. I have not yet stayed over at his apartment since the rape incident, but I have been there twice.

Cassie has heard me a few times having trouble at night. She comes to my room helping me relax with a massage, or just talking and being given a hug and time. Anne makes sure we eat meals do things together. I usually attend one of two support groups two nights per week in relation to the rape and meet with my counselor regarding my anxieties. I would be in another group if I could work it into my schedule. Finally, with James and Anne, I get back running one and then one and a half miles. I could run longer, but it is my anxiety that keeps me from doing so.

James and I again meet with a senior pastor in NYC. While he had approved Pastor Ramona’s participation in the wedding; he is now requiring himself to be the officiating pastor and states it as the position of the church. Stating Ramona’s part as well as music in the service will ultimately be his decision.

We quickly decide to look for another Church. We did not mind the pastor officiating the service, but felt we have lost any control and input for our wedding. We wanted to know how Ramona was to participate and we are only asked to trust him.

Our team has permission from the NCAA to resume basketball practice the third week of April. Luckily not enough time has passed for us to be out of condition. Coach has us practice in several gyms that have courts similar to that of Duke. It is a small but important detail. Temple’s women’s team scrimmaged us three times before the tournament.

Area high school and junior high girls often came to watch us practice and play. It was a good experience in our meeting the public and advocating women’s sports. Cassie, Staci, Dominique, and Anne are rested and energized from the time off. I am fairly well healed from the physical trauma of the rape and beating I had taken.

Dougal contacts me to see how I’m doing and to make sure I’m planning to attend their Kelley Reunion. I am, though my father is not happy that I will again be away from my own family. I rarely am home or feel welcomed there. I ask Dougal if I could bring Marcy with me, stating she’s a close friend as well as being black. Dougal laughs and says, “So are many of us.” Open mouth and insert foot, ha. “I am sorry Uncle, I deserved that.”

I thanked him for the Kelley plaid sash but share I don’t know with what or exactly how to wear it. He suggests I bring it to the family reunion and learn there. I ask what we would be doing and he shared I would learn the family story. Then I could decide if I’ll fit into the family. I ask if others are likely to have trouble in accepting me. He compliments me, saying, “If you have half the character that I have seen in you, God will give you as a blessing.” We’re on the phone, but I swear he could see my embarrassment. He asks me to not allow my accomplishments or notoriety to take away my humble spirit.

Cheryl C calls me on Thursday before the concert and asks if I could practice with her and the band for my number at the concert. She also asks if Friday or Saturday she could experience the Red Room with me and some friends from the team. I inform her I would have to check. I state that for her and our sake it would to be experienced without publicity. She wholeheartedly agreed.

It works out that Saturday would be better for a good group. The Spectrum is sold out for both shows that’s 11,000 + tickets times two averaging over $40 it would bring in over $50,000 for each fund in Philadelphia and Durham. I didn't know better, so I ask if Cheryl would sing a few songs at one of the children’s hospitals. She acts as she’s very happy that I asked. But I could tell from others they're not so elated. James went with me Friday to the rehearsal. Cheryl jokes saying, “I’ve heard this hunk seems to have the character that is good as his looks. She asks him if he stole his good looks from his sister. Cheryl even knew Sara is his twin.

James shares that there’s a resemblance. but she was somehow more beautiful. James was asked if she was a delicate feminine beauty. James nicely responds, “No she actually reminds me of someone like you Cheryl, who is beautiful in the best sense of the word and with an inner strength.” Cheryl thanks him for the compliment and shares she hoped to meet her sometime. When we practiced the song, Cheryl has me practice a number of songs, saying she’s not sure which one she wants me to sing along with.

She asks me to sit with her and accompany on several other songs. I question why but remain quiet. She says, “It is not required, but I feel it will help you in getting into the feeling of my songs and that would come out when we sing together.” Before I leave she asks me once more to listen to a new song she wrote. She entitled it, “When the Little Girl in the Big Girl Cries”. She indicates it’s probably not ready to be sung, but she wants to know if it would be okay with me if she records it someday.

Well, Saturday night came and I was dressed nicely in a violet skirt and an ivory top with my hair fixed in my trademark basketball French braid. She calls me up despite having all the AU team players and coaches present to stand. She reiterates that the concert would benefit children using the Philadelphia area hospitals as well as one at Durham North Carolina. She shares, “The Amber team has inspired me and others beyond what one might ever expect. The upcoming game is something bigger than the game itself and the Amber team has made that happen. I guess there is something in the Philadelphia and AU spirit that is contagious.”

I sing a song with Cheryl and another three with the backup singers. Seemingly I did okay. I’m invited to go sit down. It is then I chose to speak up, “Folks, I’ve been told one of the neat marks of a great performer is when they accomplish so much, yet keep a humble spirit as has Cheryl C. For the children would you please convey your appreciation?”

The crowd gave her a humbling ovation. She decides because of their warmth, she would like at this concert to share a new song. “If people don’t mind getting their money’s worth. I’d like to introduce a new song before I planned and it’s being recorded, hopefully, good enough to be included in an album as well as released as a single. It would be a change in my style but I hope you might enjoy it. It’s dedicated to a mom named Alice. The title is now “When the Little Girl in the Big Girl Cries”. As she finishes the song the crowd rises with applause that grows to a standing ovation coming from an unbridled concert crowd.

Cheryl says, “The proceeds from that song and its copyright will go to the Jefferson Medical Center.” When the concert is ready to end, Cheryl asks for the AU players up to the stage and for them and the audience joins in the closing song. It is upbeat and the arena is vibrating as the song comes to a close.

Needless to say, the concert gets great reviews this evening in Philadelphia media.

We join Cheryl backstage, and when Cheryl is ready to leave, she heads out a side door with James. James will take her over to the University. A few minutes later I leave through the front exit. I am greeted and answer a few questions as they’re still waiting for Cheryl. They were told before I came out that she was no longer there.

I now have a greater admiration for what comes with the fame of a person such as Cheryl. The night at the Red Room was quickly brought into line when Cheryl shares she would not stay unless she could gain the experience of being just another woman in the room. Staci’s coaching her at the pole as I massage her shoulders and whisper a prayer. Cheryl’s in her period and when her blood shows on the pole women gathered round like a great sacred event is unfolding. Cheryl’s deeply moved and comes to tears. She anoints my head with the blood as it is sufficient to do so. I was richly blessed, as Cheryl left the pole. She took my hand and took me with her. She hoped it was alright yet let me know I had a choice to say no. She touched my heart and we had a bond.

Any who wanted a complimentary ticket from our group for today’s concert received two as well as Coach O’Mara and family.

She had taken my panties off and signed it, stating it needed to always remain with me. I actually had it mounted, framed and hung in a discrete area of my office at AJEI. The Jersey Nets had signed a similar pair that hung for a week in their locker room before it was given back to me. During that time they had played three games they won all the games and one game was considered a very big upset. James tried later to buy my panty in a charity fundraising auction but dropped out at $25,000. It was sold for $38,000 to one of the Nets owners and later was sold to James for about the same price.

The week before the game Coach calls me into her office and shares that I had been given another year of eligibility to play basketball and that I could probably get my fourth year if I pressed for it. She asks if I would accept the third year, then about applying for the fourth.

I state, “I’m interested in the third year but James and I would need to talk. Right now I need to concentrate on my studies and the game.”

James agreed that while my main focus would still be on school another year it made sense if I wanted to play.

Everyone on the team struggles to keep their mind on academics. We’re lucky to have the discipline of academics that we have in place.

President Campbell calls me into her office to talk about a summer engineering program she is demanding me to take. She says, “While it is important, it is a difficult course at best and the best professor from Temple University is to teach it. The problem is he does not like women in engineering.”

“Dr. Campbell, do we really need to discuss this now? The class is very important, I know, but everything we hear is that he is tough enough on his own students and next to impossible on women students. I am not excited about working my ass off to try and get a B. This is a grad course and a C is not very acceptable.”

“Jenny, you are a top student and that is where we need the commitment to come from. Our faculty believes you and others can more than handle this if you work your buns off and study together. Our engineering program needs to bite this bullet and prove how good we are.”

“If Duke is an important game, this is a crucial showdown for our College of Engineering. I want to get six to ten commitments before you head off for this game. AU has been there for you and I am calling on a non-existent I.O.U. from you.”

I ask, “You want a commitment here and now don’t you? Well, selfishly I want to say ’No’, but I might as well get it done. James agrees I will be a better engineer after I master this course. I would rather stay safe and not reach so high.”

Dr. Campbell stresses, “I want you to know, I have five other students naming you as essential to their signing up. You are going to disappoint them by saying yes… Now if you can sit down, I haven’t had time to visit with you.”

I grin at President Campbell, “I said yes, I will take the class!” Dr. Campbell stood up to give me a hug, “I heard you, I am glad… I want you to know I am amazed to see how you’ve grown since you’ve blossomed as a woman. Is any of Brian still there?”

I tell her, “I can’t erase all those years nor do I want to. The Brian part of me understands why I am so anxious trying to be the woman others expect. He celebrates how far I have come. I think he’s part of my having an attraction for other women.”

Studying, papers, projects, and practice make for solid days right up to graduation. I participated in the Philadelphia Spring Social with James escorting me. My gown was simple but very eloquent. Having a day before at a spa and that morning at the salon renewed my love for the experience of being a woman. It is even more enjoyable this year as my breasts and body are fully mine.

It proves to be an important time for me to have an enjoyable time. It is great to feel beautiful and to dance with my prince. When James entered me it was like ice fell away and warmth flowed over and through me.

The next day I did a Philadelphia promotion for the game with Duke. It was impressive enough, I am asked to fly and do the Tonight Show. I’m to have but a few minutes at the end of the program but go on earlier because of a no show. I’m asked, “Does beating Chico State mean you can play with Duke?”

I say, “Duke wanted to play or beat us. We believe we can make more than a good account of women’s basketball.”

The show’s host said, “Not to be sexist, but how does a women’s basketball game become exciting?”

I say, “Not to be sexist, both teams can dunk the ball, shoot three-pointers and generally are nicer to look at.”

“Touché, you are prettier than most men basketball players. They say you are an engineering student; will you and the other girls on your team graduate from college?”

“I will graduate from AU in just over a week but I’m to complete my master’s or a doctorate degree to get the degree in engineering. Cassie our center will become a Medical Doctor. Two players on our team are already partners in an engineering corporation. The Amber University Ambassadors seeks to graduate at least 90% of their student/athletes.”

“Do you always have a good answer?” “No, Sir.”

“Is your fiance jealous or intimidated by you?”

“He is a 6’3” hunk and former Marine, I don’t think so. May I ask if you are coming to the game or too intimidated by another night show to be away from here? I do have two tickets to the game I could sell you, but only if you want to come. The game is already on target to raise a lot for both North Carolina and Philadelphia.”

Graduation without mom is very emotional. Dad, James, and others mean a lot, but there are people one cannot replace. It is good to see Kayla, she wanted to stay the night, but I want to keep that until the Duke game is over. She is now nine, going on sixteen and more like a little sister that I don’t have. It is a treat to be her aunt. A retired Supreme Court Justice is our graduation speaker and she had the admiration and respect of all in the graduating class. I continued to be impressed by how well Amber does things. I thought her address would be the climax of my day, but I was surprisingly wrong…

Story to be continued…