I'm welcome when I show up as Brian up for our family Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am having a good time with almost everyone. A conversation with two brothers indicates that the tension is getting worse and not going to break until this visit. Ron tells me, "I'm willing to give you a ride back to college, if you're unwilling to change and cooperate with Dad." But it won't be until Monday that he can give me a ride back to college.

I talk with Carol over the phone, sharing I will not be back to work and explained why. Carol comments, “Brian, you have too much of Jenny’s clothes to take back to hide from whoever is giving you a ride back. And that’s even before my present to you. So unless Ron knows about you, you might want me to give you a ride back. I can do so after I finish work tomorrow.”

I go back to the hotel Christmas night and enjoy sleeping in a pretty and comfortable nightgown. It is lavender and the way it caresses my body, sends shivers of delight through me. It troubles me how I am getting use to women’s clothing and how things look and feel. It causes me to fantasize more about being a girl.

I begin packing as Carol has to loan me an extra suitcase as well as wardrobe bag. I purchase a makeup case. It takes me much of the morning to pack. There are still a few people at the hotel who I know. We take time to talk.

Three women insist I go with them to the Somerset Restaurant next door for lunch. Despite getting there before noon, we don’t leave until 1:30. No, the service isn’t slow; the conversation is that good. Though as Brian I could not have sat for it, as Jenny, I love it.

I guess Carol left her store at four p.m. leaving Michelle, the assistant manager, in charge. The drive to Upper Valley College took just over an hour. I did enjoy talking to her, but uncomfortable that she's encouraging me to become comfortable being Jenny.

I get all my things up to my room, though I have no idea where I can hide all my girl’s stuff. Carol says, leaving too much in the luggage is not good for clothes. Luckily, the new semester will not begin for another seventeen days. I have access to my dorm, but the cafeteria is not freely open to me. I can pay for my meals but the cost is not worth college food.

When I contact Anne at Amber University. She encourages me to come and reside at AU anywhere from ten to fourteen days. I get a ride from Anne to AU, but I cannot envision being comfortable crossdressing that long. I agree to take things in stride and I’ve committed to do it for at least a week and then day by day.

Anne helps me take my clothes with the exception of one outfit that I safely hide away.

Anne tells me, Dr. Heath or Dr. Frank Drabrowski will be back at the Amber University community within days to help me. I settle back into being Jenny. Coach asks if I’m willing, to stay two nights at their house to help with her children.

Dressing in the Amber skirt, blouse and blazer is getting to be quite the turn on. AU's Basketball team on Wednesday and Thursday are involved in a holiday tournament at Richmond, Virginia. I am invited to go, which means solid days of being Jenny without anyone other than Anne and Coach knowing about me.

It's approved by the Administration with a few provisions required: 1) my identity cannot be revealed; 2) I am to be Anne’s roommate with no one else; 3) I am required to wear a vagina gaff that will not permit me to have sex. 4) The University research group needed to cover my added expenses.

I am fitted and given my own clothing as a support staff member. Most importantly, I am fitted with two breast forms and a vagina appliance to be adhered in place the full time of the trip.

Dr. Heath has given me medicine so my penis will not become aroused. While my staying with Anne does raise a couple of concerns Dr. Heath seemed satisfied I will not be having sex, at least not as a man.

There are two sad notes and distractions for the trip. A freshman forward Marcy Moore is being asked to redshirted to focus on her studies. The other situation is a bit of an unknown. There’s a hint that one of the players is going to transfer, but she has not identified herself or given notice to the university. It is likely a disgruntled freshman or sophomore. The university seeking to woo her away is also unknown.

The University of Richmond is the tournament host and all the schools are from east of the Mississippi River. It will provide strong competition. AU won their first game and would now need to plan a third day at the site. They lose to a tough game to Central Michigan University, but they beat Bloomsburg State to clinch a tie for fifth place. Amber wins their last two games to gain third place. It continues their surprisingly good start to the season. We were there a total of four nights. The rare extra time is used shopping, historic sightseeing or walking around.

A simple thing like traveling on a bus is different with and as a woman. Usually I would slouch down in my seat and put my knees up on the seat in front. The team doesn’t just talk sports. There’s adjusting or changing clothes, skank talk, sharing ideas on make-up, hair, fashion, as well as about guys, travel, etc. This is all very new to me. Traveling with the team, staying someplace overnight and living together, I’m accepted a bit more as one of the girls.

When we get back, I and my stuff are dropped off at Coach O’Mara’s. Heather and Kyle are my official greeters. Heather likes me in skirts and always wants me to change into a shorter one, which I do for her. Heather is so excited the first night that she can’t get to sleep. Heather is on my lap or in my arms all the time and Kyle is usually at one side or the other.

Heather wants me to sleep in her bed while I’m hoping to sneak away to the guest room after she falls to sleep. I arrange a sleep area on the floor. Heather insists she will sleep with me on a pile of comforters and under the blankets. Heather’s mom comes into say goodnight and after a prayer she gives Heather a hug and a kiss.

It is her kiss on my forehead that sparks my feelings and brings out my emotions as a little girl. Ma O’Mara notices and asks what my tears and smile were for? Without thinking I said, “I missed growing up as a girl.”

It is me who first fell fast asleep and when I wake during the night, Heather is wrapped in my arms. I quietly get up in the morning, o use the toilet and make my way downstairs. Coach Jessica is up having a cup of tea and she pours me one as well.

They have a little nook with table and benches, similar to my home. Instead of sitting down across from Coach, I slip in next to her. When her husband Dave comes in he sits across from us. We have a nice time. Dave O’Mara asks, if we’re sisters or aunt and niece? I then snuggle closer to Jessica and her arm is soon around me. Jessica shares, “It’s like having a little sister moment.” She gives me another hug and a kiss on my head.

When Heather and Kyle are up, I become Aunt Jenny. It is then that Jessica says in emphatic terms, “Away from here, I’m Coach O’Mara and not your bigger sister." The O’Maras are going out to a New Year’s Eve party and they’re arranging for a sitter. That’s when I insist I can stay with the kids. I help with the dishes and then with lunch. When I’m not being domestic, I’m playing as a little girl with Heather.

I notice hugging is different as a woman with breasts. Sometimes I swear my body feels like that of a woman. I am almost positive, I can feel my breasts responding to touch and activity. I call Anne and share my thoughts and feelings. Later I think it is not right to think or feel this way. As the day goes along the negative feelings subside. I am pretty sure it is only because I am active with the children.

Come early evening, I have two movies for the kids along with popcorn and juice. I make them macaroni and cheese like their mom asked. While Coach Jesse and Dave are not dressed up too much. It is nice to see a handsome man and a beautiful woman ready for a night out.

Anne calls me to make sure I don’t want to go out. I do, but I’ve obligated myself. I have Heather to bed by 8:00. I am allowing Kyle to stay up another hour so I can show him extra attention. He asks me if I know any boy things. He’s happy that I do. We have a pretend fight against a imaginary mean enemy.

Once he has me pretend to be the bad guy so he can see him defeated. Another time I’m a girl who helps him to escape as we beat the bad guys again. It is 9:40 by the time he bathes and gets to bed.

Later I find out getting him to take a bath without a fight is considered a minor miracle. Jessica chalked it up to how cute his Aunt Jenny is.

It is close to three by the time Dave and Jesse get home. I have fallen to sleep on the sofa by that time.

I feel a bit embarrassed as Coach helps me get ready for bed. Dave was going to just put a blanket over me, but she insisted on my getting ready for bed and to sleep in my room, the guest room. It was the first time she had seen a cross dresser up close.

In the morning I watch a parade with the kids and Jessica; come the afternoon into evening I watch some of the bowl games. Dave too has been an athlete, like Jessica. So sports are enjoyed by both of them, yet they have no trouble walking away from it either. Jessie and I take the children shopping. She’s mostly getting groceries. A funny moment is when Jessie picks up some feminine products. Heather whispers to me asking which ones I preferred. Her mom turns a little red when I share the question.

It is Monday at practice when Sally does not show that the team knows who has left the team. We find out, she will be transferring to Virginia. Coach openly shares that while an infraction of the rules has occurred she would not block Sally’s transfer. She did however require Sally to sit out the rest of the year from playing basketball there. Coach is sure Sally was anticipating Coach’s good nature, not to do anything.

Coach speaks to the team saying, “If she had been upfront, Sally would probably miss only this semester if that.” The team is feeling downcast about losing Marcy and Sally. Until Coach asks, “Who would like the opportunity to play a little more? …Marcy, we will get back. We’re doing the correct thing. You will get to show what you can do in game competition.”

Coach alludes to a top recruit coming to check the program, while they might not land her, her interest along with the interest of another likely recruit is a good reflection on the basketball program and how well they’re playing.

Coach asks me if I know of Cassie Conley. When I share that Cassie is the sister of some good friends; coach shares she is one of the students coming for a visit to check the basketball program as well as Amber’s education opportunities. Coach had sent her an invite earlier like many other schools but didn't expect to hear back from her. It was only the past week had she heard from her.

I ask, “Is Cassie considered a good player?”

The Coach laughs, “Depending on whom you ask she’s anywhere from the best tall player, to one of the top ten coming out of high school in the nation. Few rate her lower than #5.” Coach laughs even more when she hears that Cassie has practiced with me guarding her when I was playing with her brothers. She also shares, “Our landing Stacy Strong, a highly recruited guard, is more likely and the two of them could possibly help the team to land another top player.

I asked, “Do you want me to contact Cassie?”

Coach Jennifer comments, “No, while we want Cassie for our basketball program. The Medical College wants her to consider Amber on our academic merits and a possible medical career as being her future. Cassie needs to make a good decision on her own. We think we are a rare place where she can manage to get what she wants. But only Cassie can be the one who decides that. It would take a serious commitment by her to do both.”

Living as Jenny for a week straight was more taxing than I thought possible. There was more to being a woman than I saw from my limited experiences? While it isn’t easy, I enjoy it immensely. I have trouble thinking I will get use to the time it takes me to take care of my complexion and hair. I've even begun to hand wash some my delicates. I have three nail polishes and lip-glosses that would have appeared the same to Brian. Now as Jenny I see the subtle differences. I begin to realize that being just Brian could be harder in some ways.

Doctors Florence and Frank Drabrowski and Heath share little of their own opinions about what I should do. All they usually say is they feel I am making good progress. One commented, “You are like a little girl watching and trying to be like the big girls.”

They introduce for the first time, the idea of me being there after the spring semester is a strong and a healthy possibility. They seek my permission to access health and education records in prelude to my possibility of transferring.

The team has away games on Monday and Tuesday and one here on Thursday. Coach gives me a pair of earrings to wear when traveling with the team. When I tell her my ears are not pierced, she tells me, “Please take care of that or be prepared to stay at the university, for away games or up in the stands as a fan. I don't like my people having to look for an earring that dropped.”

Anne is delighted take me to get my ears pierced. She, Cyndi and Marcy make sure I get a few extra pairs. Friday night we go out dancing and I dance quite a bit. Friday found me dancing in a mini-skirt that became a big turn-on for me. The stockings have a rich satin feel.

Ray is there again and he seeks me out to dance with him. I feel very much a woman. Come the end of the night Ray asks me out for another night. Without thinking I say, yes. He gives me a big kiss, which I surprisingly enjoy. I’m crying when I share the news with Anne. Anne suggests we double date. Her guy and mine are open to the idea.

We go bowling and play some pool the next night. Anne can only bowl two games so she will not develop a blister nor strain her arm or back. The second night is uncomfortable for Brian while it being a nice experience for Jenny. Ray and I exchange a few warm kisses. When he tries to take it further I stop his wandering hands and he honors by request.

During a bathroom break, I share with Anne his desire to take it further. She asks if I’m open to having oral sex with him. When I’m aghast that she asked, she giggled and shares she didn’t think so. When I ask if she had, she said that is privileged information. The friendship of Anne and I is growing deeper. I’m fortunate to have her. But I had hoped it might be as Brian, not Jenny.

I’m distracted the rest of the night as I cannot help but think of taking Ray’s um… into my hands or caressing it with my lips. Sure that Anne guessed my distraction and I’m embarrassed further.

It has been decided today that Jenny would stay at AU another week. I call back home and then make a visit back to Upper Valley College. I have a list of the books needed for the coming semester. I’m ready to purchase two of my needed textbooks. I don’t have any trouble purchasing the books. That is until I literally run into Alicia and I’m caught off guard.

Alicia says, “Hello” and then asks me, “What class do we know each other from?”

I tell her, “My name is Jenny Connors”. But she does not remember a Jenny on campus that looks like me. Finally something I say that gives it away and Alicia’s eyes become like saucers. She hugs me, “O Jennifer, it is so wonderful to meet you.” Anne is looking on, probably relieved it is a pleasant encounter. I introduce Anne, and Alicia says, “You’re on the Amber women’s basketball team.”

Anne says, “We are the Amber basketball team; maybe in a year or two we will have a men’s team. We are going co-ed this coming year.”

Alicia, Anne and I take time to visit. We then go out to eat together. I order a salad like a good woman watching her weight. When I need to go to the women’s room Alicia is all too happy to go with me. It actually feels nice to have a friend of Brian’s who knows what is happening.

Before I go back to my college to begin the semester, Dr. Heath suggests I begin to take a hormone blocker until I make a decision on my identity. When I balk she strongly suggests that it would be good decision to change my mind. She finally becomes frustrated with me and suggests I quit wasting time or just decide I’m not going to cross dress anymore.

When I suggest, “I don't need to quit crossdressing. I can do it without you.”

She speaks up saying, “You don’t need Anne and Cyndi either if it is just to cross-dress.”

I say, “Jenny desires friends to have as any normal person.” I break down and we visit about my relationship with my parents and others. Dr. Heath recommends when I go back to college, to go back to just being Brian.

I agree but even while at AU my stuttering and nervousness returns some. I am back for the hormone blocker before I leave, but now Dr. Heath won’t give it to me until February. She says, since I refused earlier it would not be wise to start it on such an emotional swing. She believes I should be taking the blocker. But she wants me to live with my decisions and not be wavering back and forth.

Three players at Amber have come to realize I’m probably a guy in transition. I acknowledge I have not made any such decision. They confront me with how much and how well I had been crossdressing; guessing it was at least since sometime in November. Shelby asks, "How old were you when you started cross-dressing?"

Back at campus, I am again asked to help with the Aggie women’s basketball team. This time my top has a noticeable smell of perfume. I sarcastically thank Alicia later to which she only smiles. Since I’m received well and am having a good time with the players, other guys at my college are getting either more jealous or angry about the attention I’m getting. I do stay at college and limit most of my communication with Anne as I try to stay straight.

It is the 23rd when Alicia asks what the problem is as my personal problems are returning. My quiz results and focus are also suffering as time passes. When I confide with her what has been happening. She gets up and goes to a clothes drawer and gets a pair of panties. She suggests I put them on and be the person she met, at least in secret. When we study in her room she has me wearing a camisole which we both enjoy. One night her roommate is gone for the night she has me dress and stay as Jenny.

We talk the next several days long and hard about the implications of my changing identity. While I am not comfortable about the idea, I’m talking with a new openness. That weekend Alicia invites Jenny to stay with her. While we get quite romantic, Alicia only permits it between her and Jenny. Alicia’s enjoying our friendship having a new role.

My roommate isn’t figuring out much but he suggests, “Why don’t you just wear one earring or do whatever you want and stop trying to hide who you are?” Greg says, “You will be lucky if your father’s problems with you are your biggest problem. But you need to learn to be comfortable with yourself. If you can’t do it at college you have a problem.”

I had inquired about going home the weekend after school started; dad’s message was “If I was coming home I need to have a regular boy haircut and make an apology.” My visit ended up being a phone conversation with my mom. When I decided I was not going home, Mom chides me for being so stubborn.

Come the weekend, I go back to Amber and it happens to be the same weekend Cassie is visiting the campus. She had a Thursday game at high school and took off the next day from school for one of her college visits.

Her plan is to visit Amber with her parents, on their own Friday, as well as another school and then meet with officials Saturday morning. She would attend the game at 1 p.m. and then go onto another school she expects to be her top choice. That being Rutgers, our own state’s university.

Cassie makes a surprise early visit on Friday, to see things under regular conditions. She and two of the professors of the Medical College accidentally meet and begin their visit with Cassie. They take her and her parents to dinner Friday night. Cassie is surprised when they make a promise no other school was willing to make. While they demanded she be an excellent student, they’re sure their medical college could give her any option she would like. Her desire is to play basketball and pursue her desire in medicine, hopefully to be a surgical doctor.

While I happened to get a glimpse of her, she has no way of expecting or recognizing me. Friday night Cassie called to my college dorm wanting to see if we could talk. She’ was told I’m visiting friends at AU. She suspected I have a romantic interest that she had not heard of. Saturday she asks someone about me being at AU but as expected they don’t know of me. The student said to her, “We’re growing so much I don’t know a lot of the students. There's no way I’m going to know their boyfriends.”

Coach O’Mara calls me and Anne sharing while she wants my help for the game. She insists I am to keep a good distance between Cassie and me. And if I cannot concentrate on the basketball game to stay away altogether.

It is only after a little girl had been hit by a ball in pre-game warm ups and she's crying that Cassie sees and hears something suspicious. I consoled the little girl, and ask for a basketball and ask Anne and other players to sign it. Cassie sees something and has mixed feelings in realizing the possibility of it being me.

She likes the person she is seeing and she likes me. But she finds it hard, unbelievable, there could be any good reason for me to be in a skirt. She laughs at the thought of me looking like an attractive girl. She watches Coach make a point to visit with me before the coach goes to the locker room at half time.

During halftime Cassie goes for refreshments and circles around to my side and sits behind me. She covers my eyes with her hands. She asks, “What do you think about the chances of Cassie Conley coming to Amber?”

I say, “I only recently learned she’s one of the top recruits in the nation. I can’t imagine a better college for a true student athlete of her status.”

She mentions my action of giving a signed ball to crying little girl as my unveiling. I get up and turn to Cassie, tears are in my eyes. Cassie says, “I don’t fully understand but I like the person I see and the person I know. I know your heart and you are such a good guy... um. I hope we can meet and talk afterwards.” She does ask me not to reveal myself just to her parents.

The team comes back out and I go down to the court. Cassie goes back to sitting with her folks. AU has a decisive victory; showing both the discipline of the team and the quality of the coach and staff.

Instead of leaving for her other college visit, she asks for the outline of the agreement. She shakes hands affirming her intent and decision to come to Amber University. Coach and Dr. Roberta Mason, the Dean of the College of Medicine, are to meet with her and family taking them out to dinner. Anne and I are invited at Cassie’s request.

Dr. Jane Campbell meets everyone at the restaurant. It was not expected but it is very impressive to Cassie and her parents. She conveys her pleasure to meet and welcome Cassie and her folks.

When I need to go to the restroom Anne goes with me. While we were in there Cassie comes in and says little, until she asks Anne, “Is she being punished for something? I know Brian can get himself in trouble. I don’t see him doing this of his own free will.”

Anne asks, “Do you remember Brian talking fluidly? Have you noticed any other signs of improvement?”

She smiles, “Yes, I am happy to see that and other changes. Jenny is much more outgoing, organized in her thoughts as well as her neat appearance. Brian isn’t usually like that.” She apologizes, “I’m sorry Bri… Jenny for saying that. I don’t say it to be mean.”

Coach thanks me later for my influence with Cassie. She shares, “This will solidify Amber University getting Stacy Strong and help us to land another very good recruit.”

Somehow Cassie is betting another very good player will come. When asked to elaborate, Cassie said, “Good players, playing as a good team with a great coach will be attractive to someone who is especially good.”

Cassie and I visit over the phone. I share about Marcy being the best forward for Cassie’s style of play. I tell her about Marcy sitting out and being back the coming year as a freshman.

I already know Marcy is taking advantage of her opportunity to become a good student. Cassie thanks me for letting her know of this life changing opportunity. She had been getting afraid that she would not have the opportunity to be both a medical student and a basketball player, at least not at the same time. She extends her love and support for me to come to peace with being the woman she has met. She again remarks about the improvement in Jenny’s speech and expression of thought as being very impressive.

She again asks, “Did your wearing girls’ clothing start out as your choice or some kind on consequence?” She laughs when I tell her the sequence of events and that it is definitely now fully my choice.

Cassie giggles over the phone, “I think it’s funny that you wear skirts and dresses more often than I do.” She asks, “Do you really have such good taste in clothes and creating your look, or is someone else responsible dressing you?” We laugh as I share I’m enjoying dressing and making myself up more. I did tell her, “I did learn a lot just watching customers at Carol’s Towne Shoppe, but Anne and the team has shown me there’s much more to being a gir... a woman.”

“I do experiment some to find what looks good for me. And I come up with some choices that others forbid me to wear in public.”

It is the next day that I take the hormone blocker. I am more accepting of my transformation and the likelihood I am a transgendered woman.

Back at my college Alicia and I grow as even better friends. She and her team has improved their game enough that the Aggie women’s team is likely to make it into the play-offs at the end of the season. It is further than anyone expected and it would help them in recruiting as well.

My class work continues to go well. I also begin to exercise more getting myself into better shape.

While in early March, I will go to the first round of play-off games for AU. I do not go to Cleveland where they lose the game that would have allowed them to advance to the final four in their division. It is a moment of sorrow for Anne as it is her senior year.

A week later in March I am back at Amber I am asked by Anne and Cyndi about going out to dinner. We are going out to the parking lot when one of them throws me the keys asks for me to drive. When I ask whose car, they point to a light blue car and share it is mine. It is a used, five year old Dodge and is presently rented for me to use.

Alicia asks me to go with her to our college’s spring formal. That comes a week after I was talked into attending a Philadelphia social gala as Jenny.

I call Carol and ask if she has a formal gown worthy of a Philadelphia social. The next day Anne goes with me to help select a gown and to make sure it is good enough for a major city.

Anne says, “Carol is right, she has a dozen gowns worthy of the event near your size. I wish I had not already selected mine.” Anne helps me select three that she wants me to try and consider. We want Carol to accept the gown is for a friend like we tell her.

Carol excuses the other staff from the back area and asks if we want to try on the gowns. Anne hesitates, but Carol asks, “Do one of you want to try on the gown.” Carol seemingly knows what is going and I don’t think she cares. I have not told Anne that Carol knows about me.

Anne however insists, “We are picking it out for someone else. We either need to take our selection to her or have her come another time to try it on.”

Carol says, “It is key that the young lady to wear it should be the one to try it on here. She needs to be fitted properly for her gown.” She directs her next comment, “Please Anne this is not fully a surprise. I saw a change coming Thanksgiving and more come Christmas. Jenny was here. I don’t know if Brian told you of anything that happened years before. If she didn’t want to be out, I don’t think she would be here today.”

We’re leaning towards a teal colored gown that we’re most excited about it. Finally I agree to try it on, with the assurance no one else will see us. It is a very beautiful gown on me, but Carol encourages me to also try the shimmering dark blue gown she has out for me. Anne and I soon know that Carol is encouraging us to select the correct gown for me. I’m trying it on and it is beautiful beyond words.

Carol has fun doing the fitting and sharing with Anne some experiences I had not yet shared. Anne has gone to the car to get the needed items to wear for the gown to be properly fitted. Carol comments on liking the woman she’s seeing. I ask if she really saw this coming. She responds, “It was only a matter if you would ever accept seeing this is you.” Carol brings out some jewelry she want me to wear. We’ll purchase some of it as well...

To be continued…

Brian Graham/Jenny Connors
Carl and Ellen Graham – Parents
Ron, Dan and Dave Graham
Kayla Graham, mother Barbara
Anne Greene
Shelby, Cyndi, Beth – Students at Amber University
Drs. Drabrowski, Heath and Roberta Mason, Dean of the College of Medicine
Alicia, Greg Ford – students at Upper Valley College
Coach Jessica O’Mara Dave O'Mara
Kyle and Heather O’Mara
Dr. Elizabeth Campbell, PhD – AU President
Carol Hart – Carol’s or The Towne Shoppe
Michelle – Assistant store manager
Cassie Conley, Marie and Henry Conley
Marcy Moore – AU Basketball player
Roberta Mason - Dean of the College of Medicine
Stacy Strong another recruit along with Cassie