T
he guys at Upper Valley College give me a rough time about my weekend but they’re unsuccessful in finding out all that happened. I only tell them I had been dressed as a girl Friday night, and stayed with girls having a good time the whole weekend. Hal now wishes he were in my shoes. He says, “I enjoyed my time, but there seems to have been more for you, especially since you stayed two nights.”

My exam, quiz, and classes on Monday and Tuesday go better, but as the week continues I am not sharp at all. Wednesday afternoon, I am frustrated enough that I call Anne and agree to go back to Amber.

Come Friday I have my books to study and a change of my regular clothes, but they’re for my trip back. I’m even wearing a new pair of panties and pantyhose under my regular clothes.

The night before, I keep stats for our women’s team. Alicia, one of UVC’s top players and a good friend, asks me to help stats in the girls’ game Thursday night. However, she’s also asking, “What’s different.” She knows I had done well on my exam and Tuesday on my quiz, and she’s asking more about me.

I smile when I learn my grades from the exam and quiz. I had thought both were easy as usual, but I’ve often thought that only to be disappointed. I usually make simple mistakes and misread questions, but I miss those mistakes when I proofread. The exam grade is unheard of B+ for me in Chemistry and an A on my Accounting Quiz. I even get a good jump on two term papers, due near the end of the semester. “I’m not sure Alicia, but I’ll tell you when I know.”

Come Friday, Shelby from AU arrives by 12:45 p.m. Alicia is none too pleased when I get in the car and ride off with a woman she does not know. Before we’re off campus we stop and I switch to ride in the back to change until I am a presentable girl. Then I ride up front with Shelby. She looks as I get into the front seat making sure I handle myself as a young woman in a skirt. “Yes, I did it correctly, but no it’s not automatic. And I am sure you will find many things too correct.” Shelby giggles and smiles at me, “I’m not sure I would have done that well in the back of a car.”

Almost there, we stop at a pub where the restrooms are just inside the door. Shelby finishes transforming me to my new look. I am pleased with what she does and try to remember some of what and how she did it. I don’t see myself as being part of whatever they’re planning. I have reasons of my own to remember for my own use.

I’m dropped off at the sports facility and when I find the team Coach O’Mara asks me to change into one of their traveling outfits. The blouse is lavender and the coat is ivory and both have the rose embossed on them. It is hard for me to get on the bus wearing their long skirt.

Anne and Sonya give me a difficult time after they warmly welcome me. Anne bounces as she sits down next to me to do my nails. I’m surprised by how well she shapes them and has them looking totally a girl. She is very happy that my test and quiz went well, but she’s not surprised. Nor was she surprised that composure did not stay with me.

Once we’re at our destination, I’m sent up into the stands to keep stats. Some men including basketball players from there are at their women’s game. I hear the men making comments about me and Amber University while I’m keeping stats. Come half-time some guys come to talk to me.

One says, “Your team has improved since last year; last year they were well behind by now. Their small lead won’t hold up but they’re playing better.”

I shyly say, “O’ I thought you were the ones here to learn.”

“Touché,” says one and “Ouch” from the one who spoke. I’d giggle and speak back but I’m fearful of my speech and how I look. I don’t want to be discovered. Come to the end of the third quarter our lead was now twelve points and we are in control of the game. I wanted to say something to the guys but think better of it. It is still too early and we’re on their campus.

With less than a minute to play, the lead is holding at fifteen points now and I’m needing to use a restroom. I get up to go out and as I make a curt remark, but then I stumble. I am dealing with the arena stairs. One guy helps me catch my footing. He gives me a kiss on the back of my hand saying, “Your welcome.” I smile and say “Thank you.” Anne must have been on the bench by then because she later reports she saw the kiss, noting she thought I liked the attention.

It is not easy using the toilet in the women’s restroom while wearing a long skirt, nor am I comfortable going in there. But this is an emergency. The other women don’t indicate any discomfort with my presence. One woman says, “You handled our guys quite well. Did they get or give any information?”

"I didn't give any."

By the time I am back to my seat the game is over and people are filling out. One guy Robert asks for my name which I tell him, but I do not give my phone number or any other information. The final score was 69-55, an Amber win.

Coach asks, in traveling back, “Would you come over for dinner sometime when you’re on campus?” Anne speaks up saying, “Yes, she would like too.” Coach smiles, “Well maybe I will invite the two of you to assure we have a conversation.”

Saturday I meet with a Dr. Drabrowski, though his doctorate might be for medical research, he comes across as one not very good in relating to people.

Jeanette from Admissions wants to meet me again and asks my impression of the university. She’s not surprised I am well impressed. She wonders aloud if I would consider transferring. It's a women's college planning to go coed.

Saturday night, I go out with four women from the team and we see a girl flick as well as eat off campus. I am not sure who knows what about me, but it definitely is not everyone. I stay both nights in Shelby’s room, as her roommate is gone most weekends. While Shelby does not bare all, she is surprisingly more comfortable with my presence than me. Saturday night as I am showering, she suggests I shave my legs and underarms again.

Alicia and I have some good talks when I’m back at college. She asks me if I could be back early from Thanksgiving break to help keep stats for the following Sunday’s game. I tell her I will try. I have two tests one on Monday and a larger one on Tuesday. It’s the instructors’ way of saying, since if they needed to be there so do the rest of us.

My dad picks me up the following classes on Tuesday but he doesn’t know the arrangements for my trip back to college. My Dad picks me up cause I don’t have a car. The ride home hits a snag as Dad is already on me about my hair saying, "It is more like a girl’s than usual." Which for 1978 was true. He wants it cut and I want my hair trimmed to my liking, not his.

I’m the first to go to college in our family which Dad is only half happy about, being in business administration seems to him as easy. College is more my and my Mom’s idea. He says, “Your grades should be better, you should be studying more and wasting your timeless.”

Wednesday morning, I have an urge to visit my old workplace, Carol’s Towne Shoppe. The Towne Shoppe is an established women’s clothing store. Oddly enough it was through my dad being Carol’s electrician, I first got a job there as a stock boy. Carol is happy to see me and asks, "Could you be to work on Friday and Saturday. She is already doing a nice holiday business at the Towne Shoppe. I couldn’t help looking at her merchandise with new eyes.

I got the job in high school as I helped my dad on an electrical job there. When Carol had asked my dad if I could help her. My dad was more than happy and insisted that I take the job. He didn’t think I was man enough to work with him and my older brother. But Mom had insisted I take the job for economic reasons.

Presently, I see a high school basketball poster and have to ask how Cassie is doing. The praise seems overdone, but I’m a Cassie fan so I love it.

One of my classmates is in doing some shopping at the store. “Hi Sharon, get another couple of items and I will give you my discount.”

Sharon asks, “Are you working here again?”

I tell her, “I’m not scheduled until Friday, but for you, I’ll start today.”

She smiles saying, “I did see a few things if you are serious.” I tell her to go at it, and she buys another five items. Carol is pleased as come Friday a number of the items will be on her sale. Somehow it seems to spark a few more sales from other customers. Carol had extended a 5% discount to them,

Thursday we have a nice Thanksgiving Day gathering. Even without a chore list, we all volunteer and things go easy. I find myself helping my mom and my sister-in-laws a bit more than usual. I also have a good time with a nephew and two nieces.

The only solemn note is dad’s repeated requests to get my hair cut. Friday and Saturday, I’m supposed to work 8-2 but Friday I’m in by 7:30 a.m. and finally leave at 5:30. I’m a part stock boy, part sales as well as a cash register person. Carol gets me a sub and Seven-up for lunch. She has learned from previous incidents, not to hand me a cup of coffee or anything that could stain clothes in the store.

Saturday is nice and busy, but sane in comparison to Friday. I do bump into Cassie, but just enough to say hello. Come two o’clock Carol takes a break as I continue working. I stop and we have a cup of tea, but it is away from the clothes. She shares she had never seen me so happy or relaxed.

“You’re speech was really good the other day and most of yesterday. Whatever you are doing get back to it and stay with it.” I ask what she meant and it corresponds with Anne’s insights. Before I leave Carol asks if my girlfriend wears earrings or not. I tell her I don’t have a steady girlfriend. We visit some more and she gives me two sets of earrings with matching necklaces before I leave which I don’t understand.

A few of us in the family went out for dinner Saturday night. I made the mistake of mentioning the earrings and necklaces. Mom laughed and dad scowls. My hair has grown to be a bigger sore point with dad. Dad won’t say anything bad about the gifts as Carol is a good family friend and a very good customer. She uses Dad as her sole electrician, personally as well as for her business.

I talked with my mother earlier as Anne had suggested. I find out my problems with speech as well as some other problems like bed wetting started up when I was four or five. Becoming disruptive and the learning problems developed when I was six years old.

Sunday, we go to church but I need to go sit with another brother and his wife up in the balcony. Dad was too upset with me, for us to sit with them.

After church, the brother suggests I return to college early to diffuse the present situation as my older brother and Dad are both upset with me. I’m back to college by four, supposedly so my parents can be home early.

When I see Alicia, she asks if I have a college blazer. She says, “Coach is requiring support staff to wear it with our top.” When I remind Alicia that the top is a woman’s top, she states, “It is unisex and with your blazer the point is mute.” Coach Hart thanks me for being a good sport. I visit with Alicia and share a little about Amber. She shares that the women’s basketball scene is abuzz with their upset of Temple.

Anne called Sunday night to share about their game and to ask if I made my decision about the coming week. “I need to reschedule work, but yes I will be there,” I asked her how their program could help my speech and studies. She says, “You need to be here and to ask the experts.”

Shelby is to pick me up on Friday, and I’ll need to change before I make it to campus to keep my identity quiet. I tell her, “I’m already planning to change clothes.”

There are two weeks of classes, then exams before I will be home for the semester break. So the coming weekend is the only one I’ll go to AU. I will need the others to finish projects, papers, and prepare for exams. I arrange my work hours for the week. I’ll be ready to leave by two on Friday or whenever my ride shows.

Another student, Cyndi is now to be coming for me; she can be there as early as 1:30. She is to have an outfit and more. She reminds me to bring my books and study material. Thursday our women’s team has another game. I take a bit of a drubbing from some students and receive admiration mostly from the women students. I think I come out ahead in the deal. UVC lost the game, which isn’t all that unusual. Coach Hart asks what I know about AU’s success, but she discounts my take on their good fortune.

Friday, I have to rush to be ready by 1:30 on Friday and Cyndi arrives at 1:20 p.m. which rushes me even more. She has a warm smile with a slight smirk. We drive a short distance before I get in back to begin my change. She pulls over when I’m pulling up pantyhose. I comment on the short length of the skirt, she laughs and shares she wears some shorter.

I fire back that she has the legs and figure. Cyndi giggles, “O you look quite well if I remember.”

I say, “For a guy maybe, but you people just don’t mind embarrassing me…” She cuts me off, “I will forgive you this time, but you better soon learn the Amber way.”

I ask, “What you mean?”

She says, “Amber would not put you or others up for embarrassment.” While I did not seek to suggest that. “You need more respect not only for AU but yourself.”

I joke, “A guy wearing women’s clothing could have trouble gaining respect.” The car stops again and she asked me back up front.

She helped me with my hair. “Now Jenny, as far as I am concerned, you are my sister. I’d appreciate it if you would act like a sister and not some dumb bloke.” I began to cry and she shared “That’s more like it.” The emotions had surprised me.

We stop at the lounge that looks like a little hide-away. She helps me with my make-up and then asks me to look in the mirror. I’m surprised when I don’t see myself.

She mentioned how I carry myself and suggested subtle nuances of change like smaller steps and keeping my legs and feet together under my shoulders. She asks, “Have you ever seen a tomboy that was awkward.” She makes her point. She says, “If you want to get better the opportunity is there.” She gave me a few more pointers and we head back to the car. She hands me a purse, “Please look through it. It is yours and like any girl, you should be familiar with your purse. What you have in it and where the items are.”

I laugh and suggest, “There are a few things I can’t or won’t use.”

She shares, “We want you to be prepared like any woman at Amber. We stop at the mall on our way to the college. She takes me over to women’s coats and has me select a medium weight coat. We are to the college before 4. She drops me off at the gym for basketball practice.

I ask about my stuff, she shares, “It will be up in ‘our’ room.” I do a double take. “They think I can get along with you and help you out. I hope you are not too shy.”

I’m surprised when they hand me a sports bag; it has a sports bra with extra, extra padding. I’m surprised that even the cross trainers given tome were very good. Coach talked to me and others about passing the ball down court, as well as drawing fouls as the opposition overplays their movement. The team also practices how not to do the same. While I have ideas that I share, Coach has more, plus she has the know how to make the application work.

Coach Jessica O’Mara already has a very good record and seems a good pick to take the team to the next level. She had already brought them up from Division 3 and was preparing to take them from Division 2 to Division 1.

I need to meet with some university staff people before Saturday’s game. Dr. Florence Drabrowski is the head of gender issues. I had a medical check and personality tests. Finally, I had an aptitude test with admissions officials. I suggested once to Dr. Drabrowski I should change to my regular clothes. She says, “No, no one minds you’re dressed as a woman. That is how we see you.” I’m becoming very adept at writing left handed as was suggested my first night there.

Finally; they were done with me and I could change to my outfit for Amber sports support staff. I’m intrigued the University’s nickname is the Ambassadors. I think the idea of women as ambassadors is a bit of a stretch. Before the game, I’m sitting in the arena and get into a conversation with Dr. Jayne A. Campbell. She seems well known and well liked by students, staff and older adults in attendance.

I can easily tell she’s very intelligent. I am impressed with her warm caring nature as I often think intelligent people lack that in their personality. She gives me some suggestions about how I carried myself when I was down on the court for early warmups. When I laugh she asked what’s funny. “You take even simple things and give them polish.”

She tells me AU’s belief that each woman is an ambassador, not only for the University but as a person in life. I start to take mental notes of what she shares. She bought drinks before the game sharing one with me.

Coach O’Mara along with keeping the stats sheets, she asks me to keep watch of three players. Come half-time Amber has a slight lead. As I give Coach the stats. She again asks my opinion on the players she asked me to watch. As we walk toward the locker room she asks about my visit with the University President.

When I get back to my seat as the second half begins, I ask Dr. Campbell about her position with the University. She smiles as I answer my own question correctly. “This will come across as sexist and naive, but how does a younger woman even with a doctorate become the head of a university?”

She says, “I would like Anne and you to join me for dinner in another week; I will explain it then."

The Ambassadors win the game running away with the lead. They will now be ranked in the top twelve in Division 2.

I’m back to studying, but we take time to go out tonight. Changing in front of Cyndi is as hard, as is having her change in my presence. “Jenny, I’m surprised by you being uncomfortable with me. I hoped you would see me as another woman being with you; I think that should help you to relax as Jenny.”

I ask, “When can I stop cross-dressing and do the other things that will help me in being me?”

She says, “You’ve been free to stop at any time. I thought you like dressing as a woman.” Anne comes in as we’re talking.

I acknowledge, “I’ve done it some, but not much. I thought you were requiring me to dress like this.”

Anne says, “Brian, I see it a different way; you’ve cross-dressed more and longer than you acknowledge? I’m sure you have done it quite a bit. I think you came to Amber that first night hoping we would ask and help you to dress as a girl. Seemingly, even your friends thought you’d be a good candidate. But they saw it as a tease.”

She continues, “They thought it would be a neat prank, and you thought that would be a safe disguise to do it, didn’t you?” When I broke, Anne dabbed my eyes and suggested I redo my make-up. When I did, she responds. “Do you think that is a natural response for a boy crying to redo his make-up?”

Cyndi asks, “Jenny did you get excited as we changed in front of each other? I know I did.”

“Sure I did that is when I thought about not cross-dressing.”

“I thought you were excited, but I didn’t see the natural responses of a guy.” She was right, I just don't want to acknowledge she's right.

Come Sunday after church, Anne takes me over to an office and Dr. Florence Drabrowski is there for a visit. She and an associate share their observations and my test results. It is the first time I hear the term “transgender identity”. While initially uncomfortable, I realize they are not judging me and that I can consider the possibility without judgment. I’m free to accept or not accept it.

I share my mother’s statement about my speech problems when I was five and other concerns that arose when I was six. They’re not surprised. They ask if I had additional problems as I went through adolescence. I ask, “How’d you know?”

She says, “We didn’t know, but it often occurs with those who struggling with identity issues especially as they go through puberty and life changes like going away to college.”

Anne holds my hand, Dr. Florence says, “We want to support and assist you however it might be helpful.” She says, “Whether you continue to cross-dress or not we can help you work through your problems. And it is done without any obligation to be formally part of Amber University”

I ask, “Why then would I want to dress as a girl?”

Dr. Drabrowski says, “Seemingly as Brian, you stress yourself suppressing your feminine identity.” They inform me about my changes in my studying, reading, grades, and speech as well as feeling better. I have noticed some of the things they mention. I had not realized the breadth and depth of my changes in just over two weeks. I ask, “Who knows about me doing this?” I ask in particular, “Why did you involve Dr. Campbell?”

They share, “All she knew is that we asked her to make you feel welcome.”

That day at Church Pastor Ramona had asked me to read the Scripture readings; I wanted to say no but ended up doing it. Ramona was very supportive and I like her as a pastor. Coach O’Mara is at the service, and she asks Anne and me to join her family for dinner before I go back.

That is when I meet Heather, 3, and Kyle, 6. I take a quick liking to them, and they like me as well. Heather has me lift and carry her and we’re soon in her room, playing on the floor. Kyle comes into the room asking, “Is this just for girls?”

Coach asks, “Have you ever done any babysitting?” I laugh saying I have. She asks, “Some weekend, if you can stay here I wouldn’t mind if you could help take care of our children.” I agree, but tell myself, ‘It will never happen.’ Anne drags me from dinner to change and go back to my college…

To be continued…

Brian Graham/Jenny Connors
Anne Green
Jeanette - AU Admissions
Dr. Jayne A. Campbell – Amber’s University President
Jessica O’Mara - Basketball Coach at AU
Heather, 3, and Kyle, 6 O’Mara – Coach O’Mara’s children
Coach Beth Hart – Basketball coach at Upper Valley
Drs. Florence and Frank Drabrowski – At AU one on gender indemnity and learning disabilities; the other is a Psychologist
Cyndi, Shelby