The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 2012 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

I collected the girls from school, still musing on my recent appointment, and wondering if I’d sold out to the enemy–but then Simon and Henry, although ridiculously wealthy are actually liberals even socialists. They don’t believe in a welfare state which supports the idle, but they do believe those in genuine need should be looked after properly, not skimped on. So in their world, no old age pensioner would wonder whether they could eat or stay warm–they’d have enough money for both unless they wasted it, in which case they’d get stamps for heating and food.

They both work very hard and expect all those who can should do the same, presumably for less than they earn, or me for that matter. How was I going to manage to get to London four days a month? Was I expected to attend meetings as well or did that count in the forty eight days?

Tom’s words were still ringing in my ears–“Ye realise noo yer a big shot executive thae university will want ye on its committees?”

“Oh no–not that–I’m not sitting in a dusty, airless room listening to a bunch of old farts snore while the only one awake preaches some sermon about educational standards, which hark back to the nineteenth century because that was the last time he had any touch with reality.”

“Aye, ye wull, or they’ll wi’draw thae leave thae gi’ ye tae attend meetings at thae bank.”

“I could always leave.”

“Whit aboot yer tree rats, an’ yer students?”

“I can’t look after them forever?”

His eyes practically bulged out of his head, “Whit did ye say?”

“I can’t...” then realised he’d heard it which was why the overreaction to wind me up.

I had teaching to do the next day, I’d already given up a share of my classes to another woman ecologist and she was very good, but she didn’t have the rapport I did. I knew that I’d have a sell out tomorrow–the word was all three classes would be squeezing in-in case it was my swan song–the word of my appointment had flown round the grape-vine and like Chinese whispers, it was wrong. Apparently the story was that I was going as managing director of the bank. There was even rumours they were doing a collection for me–sweet, isn’t it?”

Simon didn’t know about my meetings counting as release days from university or if I’d have to use up leave. Wonderful, so I’m selling them my holidays now. There’s only my body left–and unless they do that by the kilo, it won’t be worth very much.

The girls picked up on my tension and played up–don’t they always–then Trish poked Mima who retaliated by biting her sister on the hand–who then demanded a rabies shot. How does an eight year old know about hydrophobia?

The rest of the evening was just as bad and I did a Tom, retreated to my study and locked the door–where I managed to put the finishing touches to my notes for tomorrow. Once that was done, I got Julie to put some highlights in my hair and to trim it for me–it’s ages since I had anything done to it.

Next morning, after showering with a cap on my newly tidied locks, I pulled on a booster bra and a top which revealed loads of cleavage–if you’ve got it flaunt it–if you haven’t, get a padded bra. I wore the same red suit from the board meeting and did my makeup and hair just so. After rousing the others I put on some jewellery and perfume and slipped into my heels. The girls were all agog with what I was doing while they had to go to school.

Simon, who had a late start, nearly went into convulsions at the breakfast table. “If you’d worn that combination to the board meeting, they would have elected you chief executive,” was his only comment once his pulse had quietened enough to reduce the risk of angina.

“Where are you going looking like a high class tart?”

“Work, I told you last night.”

“Why the–uh–OTT approach?”

“I like to make an impact on the students I teach.”

“Just don’t ask any of the male ones to stand up–okay?”

“Why?” What was he on about–there’d be too many to do any of my usual stuff anyway. This would be a straightforward lecture–except for the outtakes I’ll show them to reinforce the right and the wrong way to do field work. Some very clever editing by Alan had meant I had a film show which wasn’t quite what it seemed, but it got over the points I was teaching, I hoped.

“Health and safety,” said Simon.

“What is?” I asked forgetting I’d asked him a question.

“The reason why you shouldn’t have any of the men stand up.”

“Why?”

“Use your loaf, Cathy.”

“What’s it got to do with bread?”

“Let me explain in words of one syllable. If you bend over to show them something on the front desk, these kids will go from having a baguette to a full sized French stick.”

Danny nearly choked on his cereal he was laughing so much. The girls also laughed but I’m not sure any of them got the joke–in fact I think I’d prefer it if they didn’t and were just laughing because their elders were. I didn’t laugh I just went bright red and felt very hot for a few minutes.

Knowing that I needed to stay alert during my lecture, I did manage to force down some tea and piece of toast with banana on it. Simon took all the kids to school in the Mondeo and came back to get his car for work. I left at half past eight and got fouled up in the traffic, so my plans of an early start came to nought.

Neal was assisting me that morning and he insisted on talking to my chest, not that I was surprised and he wasn’t complaining about it either. All the boys would remember my lecture–or the day I wore a revealing top–they probably won’t remember anything of what I said about black walnut’s poisoning the ground around them to increase their reproductive chances. Some of the aloes drop seedlings into the ground–they have sharp pointed ends which stick into the soil and have a head start on the competition.

However, they would remember when I asked them how females of some species might increase their reproductive chances by seeing off the competition of other females–hence the plunge bra and the revealing top. I wondered who would be first to suggest that was what I was demonstrating? Even if I can’t have them analysing bat droppings or looking for colonies of bacteria in each other’s groins or up their noses, I can still make a lecture different for them.

I showed them the clip of the owl chasing Alan and asked how a male owl might overcome his potential mate’s aggression–some wag suggested buying her a drink. He was close, not as close as the lad who said take her some chocolates–I told them that it would work for me, and another asked which ones I liked and would I wear that top? Sometimes I forget I’m teaching young adults because so few of them behave like they are; this morning was no exception.