Orphan Petal
November 2023 - Part 2
Shirley feels like he can never be loved
(pictures done by ai)
Doctor Mary
It must be depressing to follow what is happening in “Orphans Petal” now. It's so sad and, at times, depressing to think about what Shirley is going through. I had parents who loved me. I knew that I was loved and cherished. Imagine what it feels like for Shirley, who has not survived a foster home or a trial period to get adopted. He said to himself that he felt like a failure. Shirley is going through a lot. He is finding his identity, and he wants to be loved. This is a lot for a child.
Shirley:
I do not know what is happening to me. I started wetting myself again, even during the day. So it's back to diapers for me. I even started using my pacifier. Who knows why I am doing this all of a sudden? It's probably best to not try to think too much about it. I am already sad enough. Everyone thinks I deserve not to be loved because I am trying to be something I was not meant to be. The shrink asked me if I thought I was a failure. The fact that she thought this meant that she must have considered it herself. It doesn’t matter; the record speaks for itself. No one wants me. Aunty has even been avoiding me. Now that I am starting to act more like a baby again, it just adds to the fact that I am too strange for anyone to love.
Susan
Shirley has regressed again and is now once again wearing diapers full-time and using baby things. It was his choice before when he started wetting himself on purpose, but now it is not his choice. It seems like he is struggling with so many things that he is giving up. Even his body is giving up. It does not help that he is being teased at school because the others noticed he is wearing diapers. I did my best today as Shirley's friend. I told him I was going to do his hair. So I put in some braids. He did not protest about this. Shirley did protest when I gave him one of my old dresses. He told me that he did not want to wear dresses. Otherwise, Shirley did not say much. That was OK; I did enough talking for us. At one stage, Shirley smiled and told me he loved when I spoke and spoke like a podcast. After I finished his hair, he hugged me and told me that at least one person in this world liked him. It was so sad when he said this.
Shirley
I missed Aunty and wanted to speak to her. Aunty has helped me a lot before, and I need her now. It's horrible to be sad and so unsure and insecure about oneself. As I was walking around the children's home corridors today, trying to avoid everyone, I passed the office door. I heard Dickens and Aunty speaking. It wasn't my fault that the door was open. Dickens was telling Aunty that the Sterlings wanted to adopt Jason. They didn’t like me because I wasn't boyish enough for them. Now they want to adopt a boy who was very macho and, at times, could be mean to others. Jason is gay, and I bet the Sterlings would not approve of this. Maybe being gay is not as bad as being a sissy. I did not listen to what else Dickens and Aunty were saying. I just wanted to hide, as now it was more depressing to know that Jason was easier to love than I was.
Jason
I went to visit Austin today. We have become good friends, and this is something that I like. I know that he has homosexual tendencies, and he knows that I do. However, we do not talk about it. We have better things to talk about, and besides, I am too young to take the step towards any romance. Austin and I had the same interests. He likes the same music as me, the same sports, the same movies, and the same clothes. Austin is nicer than me, and he has more patience than I do. It is strange how things work in life. I used to bully Austin a lot, and now we are best friends. Since I have done my best to become a better person, I have found that life offers more blessings when I am nicer. Austin's friendship is an example of this.
Susan
It is so hard to see a friend suffer so much. It is obvious that Shirley is feeling very sad and does not believe in himself anymore. He hardly says a word and always looks like a lost puppy. I must be losing my patience, as today, when we were watching TV in the common room at the children's home, I snapped at him and told him that he was not the only one who had problems. No one here at the child's home has parents. At least he had a chance to try being with a family, even if it was for a short time. I have never tried being in a family since I came here, and I doubt I ever would be in a family. I said this to Shirley, so maybe he would think of others. I told him that he could either choose to sulk or make the best of it. I do not think that Shirley liked anything I said; he gave me one of his disapproving looks.
Dickens
I heard the outburst in the TV room, and this made me think. Often, the world forgets the many orphans in the world. Even in our country, which is a first-world country, we have so many orphans. What is it like for a child to live in an institution and not have the love and support that their parents will give them? It was sad that Susan had no hope of having a family. Susan can be right. It will be hard for her to get a family, especially since, in a few years, she will be a teen. Susan also seemed frustrated with Shirley. I spoke with Aunty about this and told her that Shirley needs her support. Aunty was quick to change the subject. This makes me think that Aunty may be feeling guilty. In some ways, she has influenced Shirley's need to act and dress like a girl. In a way, Aunty has made Shirley unadoptable.
Doctor Philomena:
Shirley came to visit me today. He is depressed, and he says he feels like a failure. He did not say much, but when Shirley did speak, it made me want to cry. At one point, Shirley said that he understood why people did not want or love him. I had to say something. So I told him that he has to accept who he is, and anyone who has a problem with this does not deserve to be with Shirley. I reminded Shirley that when he tried his best to be a boy at the Sterlings, he was unhappy and felt like he was not being true to himself. I reminded him how happy he was when he decided to go against the Sterling's wishes and be a princess for Halloween. When Shirley did this, he knew that he was not meant to be like other boys. Shirley then decided that he was transgender and happy about this. Just because the Sterlings do not want him does not mean that he is a failure or cannot be loved. It's the Sterlings that need to look in the mirror. Being transgender does not mean you are a bad person. So I told Shirley that what he needs to do is look in the mirror and accept who he is. Shirley is transgender. This is what makes him special.
Shirley:
I hide in my room all the time now. I don’t even play with my dollhouse. I do not wear the dresses and skirts that I once loved. I have not gone to ballet. I feel like my emotions have been on a rollercoaster. I was so happy when the Sterlings wanted me. I was unhappy when they could not accept me for the way I am. I was delighted when I put my foot down and decided I was a sissy boy. Since I came back to the children's home, everyone has been giving me strange looks, and I know what they think. They think I am a freak and don’t deserve to have parents. The shrink just wants me to hold my head high and accept it. She is right, but I can't stop thinking about why I cannot just be normal. Why do I have to be a boy who likes dressing and acting like a girl?
Aunty
Susan talked with me today. She told me that she was very worried about Shirley. I shrugged my shoulders and told Susan that Shirley would get over it. He will be his smiling, chirpy self once again. Susan did not agree. She thought that I was the most important person in Shirley's life, and he needed me now. I was about to defend myself when Shirley told me that she read the diary my nephew wrote (the teenage years of Allie Horten), and Susan noticed that I ignored Allie when he needed me the most. I did not protect Allie when his grandmother moved in. Susan asked me, Will I do the same with Shirley? Will I just let Shirley deal with his problems, or will I be a caring adult who shows Shirley I care for him? At times I really want to slap Susan; she knows which buttons she should press to annoy someone.
Shirley
Jason is back to his normal evil person again. Today, he stopped me in the hallway and started yelling at me. Jason told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking I was the only one with problems. According to Jason, I have a worse problem than thinking I look better in a dress. He said I do not care about other people, and I think that the world revolves around me. There are other children here, and maybe I should start thinking about them and not always feel so sorry about myself. I lost my temper and told Jason that he was just mad because Dickens refused to allow the Sterlings to adopt him. Jason had a confused look on his face, so I told him everything that I heard Dickens tell Aunty. Jason went white when I said this and stormed off.
Susan:
Shirley may be mad at me because of my outburst the other day. I think Shirley is mad at the whole world. Aunty may not help him, but I will do my best to help Shirley when he needs it the most. Today I asked Shirley if we should not start ballet again. He must admit that he loves dancing, and it will give him something to distract him. Shirley just shrugged his shoulders and said he was not in the mood to dance. I just sighed and left him alone. There are times when I ask myself why he is my best friend, as I just want to shake him until he wakes up. I wish that there could be something to do. Maybe he likes being like this, a sulking child. At any rate, there is only one person who can help him at the end, and that is Shirley himself.
Jason:
Shirley told me that Dickens is not allowing the Sterlings to adopt me. I stormed into his office and told him what I knew. Dickens explained that it was his responsibility to give me a good home, and the Sterlings did not deserve to have children. Then he told me I was not old enough to decide that. This upset me, and I shouted at him that it was my life and I should have a say. Every child, no matter how old they are, should have a say, and I am now a teen, not a baby. It seems like Dickens understood me when he asked me if I wanted to be adopted by the Sterlings. I told him that I did not know.
Austin:
I visited Shirley today and could see how sad he was. There was no life in him, and he looked like he hated himself and the world. I told him that sometimes he could be so annoying. He was creating problems where there were none. “You think that no one can love you because you are different from other boys. Maybe the Sterlings could not accept this, but they cannot make you someone you are not. It's them who are discriminating and bigot-minded. You can be girly and still be happy. You were before. You could be girly and still be loved. Look at Logan, who is transgender; he is loved and has many friends. You had friends that still remained friends, even when you started wearing a girl's uniform at school. The only reason they are bullying you is because it suits you to believe what they say. Maybe you like being sad and depressed because it gives you attention. The only way you will get people to love you is if you start loving yourself.”
Aunty
I thought a lot about what Susan told me. I did not support Allie when he needed me to be most. Shirley needed me now. I went into Shirley's room and sat on his bed next to him. We did not say anything and just sat there. I put my hand around Shirley and he rested his head on me. I decided I would not let Shirley down, I will be there and help him heal.
