Orphan Petal
August 2023 - Part 4
Shirley must decide if he is brave enough to be like the girl in his dreams
Doctor Mary:
Quite a lot happened in the last part. Shirley seems to be determined that he is transgender. He identifies with the diaper girl in his dreams. For Shirley, that girl is real and just not a figment of his imagination. The adults at the orphanage do not want to get him help to find out why Shirley is acting this way. Hawthorne is using Shirley as a pawn to keep her job and Aunty likes the idea that he reminds her of her nephew she feminized years ago. The two people that seem to want the best for Shirley are Austin and Susan. Austin does not know that the bullying he experiences is because Shirley told Jason that Austin is gay. Maybe this does not matter, as it seems Logan and his mother are interested in adopting Austin
Shirley:
The daytime wetting has become worse. At times, it is embarrassing because I am with others. Only Jason gives me a hard time about it. The others ask if I am sick. Aunty also wanted to speak to me about the daytime wetting. She asked me if I thought it was wise that I wore diapers all the time. It would be less embarrassing and was only temporary until my bladder became stronger. I agree that it would be a good idea. I didn’t like others to see me with wet clothes standing in a puddle. I thought it would be pullups but Aunty explained that the taped diapers would be better. I should not worry that the diapers were like baby diapers or girl diapers. Wearing diapers does not mean that I am a baby. When she told me this, I had to smile. I now will be wearing diapers, and my bedroom was a baby nursery. I am a baby!
Aunty:
I did not like Shirley when he came here. He was an obnoxious and bitter boy. Now he is an adorable 11-year-old baby and is on his way to becoming a girl. I do not think I have manipulated him or brainwashed him. Well, not a lot. The only thing I did not do was to get Shirley any help by finding out why he has changed so much. The way I look at it, he is happy and acting much nicer than he did when he first came here. Shirley may be on his way to becoming a baby sissy, but it has improved his personality, Maybe all this is just sort of a game for Shirley. He is experimenting with being the person that he once despised. Maybe it is just a way for him to get attention. One thing for sure is that there is now a special bond between Shirley and me. I have always liked feminine boys, but I never have met one like Shirley who has touched my heart.
Shirley:
I have been wearing diapers full-time for a few days now. The funny thing is that I no longer dreamt about the diaper girl. I suppose I no longer needed her. I was now her. Well nearly. I was not a girl full-time yet. This is something that I wanted, I was just afraid of what people would say. Logan was accepted when he became transgender. He has many friends. The only one that calls me names is Jason. I am used to him by now. The only thing that worries me is who would adopt me now. I am just a baby that wears diapers all the time. I sleep in a baby nursery. I play with baby toys. On top of all this, I consider myself a closet transgender. If I had more courage, I would be a girl all the time. When someone came here to adopt a child, they would see how mean I was before I came here. Then they would see what I have become now. No one would ever want to adopt me. I am too strange to be anyones child and they would find it hard to love me.
Susan:
Shirley has now regressed so much that he is a baby. He wears diapers all the time and does not do normal things that an 11-year-old boy would do. When I visit him, he would rather play with his baby toys or play dress up and pretend he is a girl. Shirley thinks he should be a girl, but does not want others to see him in girl clothes. This is strange, as he mainly wears toddler unisex clothes now and everyone knows he has to wear diapers. There is not much I understand about Shirley. I do not know why he wants to be a diaper girl in his dreams. Maybe this is just a phase he is going through. He could be acting this way because his parents had just died a few months ago. Maybe he wants to remember when he was a baby with them and felt loved and wanted. One thing for sure is that Aunty now gives him a lot of attention. I also admire Shirley, as he must have a lot of courage to be a baby and not care what others think. When it comes down to it, who cares what Shirley wears or what he acts as? He has a good heart and he is fun to be with.
Aunty:
I had a serious talk with Shirley today. I told him that he had changed since he came here. Change is not bad. When Shirley came to the orphanage, he seemed to always be mad and bitter. This was the same before he came here. He lashed out at everyone different. Shirley was a bad boy and no one liked him. Now he has changed and it seems like more people like the softer and more vulnerable side of him. Shirley did not say much while I said all this. I bet that he had been thinking a lot about why he changed. I told Shirley that it was not a problem if he acted like a baby. Even some adults like to be babies. It is not a problem if he wanted to be a girl. There are many transgender children. The thing is we should examine why he has these feelings. He needed to speak with a professional about what was going on in his head. We need to make sure that being a baby girl is something that he wants. Shirley did not respond to this and it seemed as if he was too embarrassed to talk about it. I was proud of myself. I could have manipulated him to continue this journey as a sissy baby. Now I was saying we should see what is mentally happening to him. Maybe my sudden change in my approach to Shirley is because of the recent board of director's interest in what is happening at the orphanage. My approach to getting Shirley some help will strengthen my position here.
Austin:
I was told that Logan and his mother wants to adopt me. In a way, I feel so blessed and honoured that someone wants to adopt me. I am now 13 years old and not many 13-year-olds get adopted. People want cute little children, not someone they will get teenage problems with the package. I do like Logan and his mother and thought I would be very happy in their family. However, I did not know if I wanted to be adopted. Several things worry me about it. Can I be a son again? Can I be part of a family? I have been at the orphanage for so long that this was all I know. At times. I did not even remember my real parents and what it was like being their son. I am also worried that if I was adopted and liked it a lot, what would happen if my new parents died? I would have to go through the grief and be an orphan again. I am afraid of being adopted. I will also be honest, I consider Shirley and Susan as family. I like that I protect them. What would happen to them if I was not here? Luckily Aunty told me that I had time to decide if I wanted to adopted or not. Decisions like this cannot be made quickly, as it is a major decision.
Shirley:
My old foster family wants to adopt Austin. I am delighted that he will now have a family. I know that they do not want me back. I have ruined my chance with them. Plus I am too weird for anyone to adopt me. I live pretty much like a baby and when no one is looking, I dress up as a girl. Aunty even wants me to see a shrink to find out if I am crazy or not. I often think that it would be easier if I just acted like a normal boy. The idea of me being crazy is scary. The thought of being a mental lunatic makes me cry a lot. Maybe I should see this shrink. The shrink can either make me normal again or at worse lock me in a padded cell. The thing is that I do not know if I want to change back to the way I was. It's not as if I hurt anyone and the other children here do not know I dress as a girl when I play dress up. I am just so confused at times. Why do I want to be a baby girl? This is not normal!
Susan:
Shirley has been sad the last few days. Austin may be getting a new family. Shirley says that he is happy that Austin will be adopted, but I think maybe he also is jealous or will miss Austin if this happens. Shirley was also told by Aunty that he would be speaking with a psychologist. It's about time that this happens. The problem is that Shirley sees this as proof that he is strange. While I do agree that wanting to be a sissy baby is as strange as it gets, I also told Shirley that it should not matter. If it makes him happy, then that is what is important. Shirley does not hurt anyone. Since he started being a sissy baby, he is easier to be around with. He is no longer arrogant or mean. If Shirley wanted to be a girl all the time, then I would not mind. What difference does it make if he is a girl or a boy? Genders do not mean anything. I am a girl but I do not like the pretty dresses and all the pretty things. I rather just wear jeans. The important thing is that Shirley is happy and proud of who he is.
Aunty:
Susan told me that Shirley had been feeling sad. He is afraid that the psychologist will say that he is mentally ill. I can understand how Shirley feels, so I talked with him again. I told him that he had become a baby. He wears unisex clothes and when no one is looking wears dresses. This does not make him crazy. Logan dresses like a girl all the time and so does my nephew. All this can be a phase that Shirley is going through. He can decide next week that he wants to be more of a boy and act like an 11-year-old. The pysclogist will help him to understand himself and what he wants. Often we get confused when we do things that are not seen as normal. It is hard for us to understand why we do some things or act in the way we do. The thing is that there is no such thing as being normal. We are all different. The psychologist will help Shirley understand who he is. As for me, Shirley can decide whether he is transgender or he is a boy, I would not mind. I just want him to be proud of who he is and happy.
Susan:
Shirley and I played dress-up today. I prefer to do this than to play with his baby toys. Shirley does look like a girl when he wears a dress. It did make me think of what would happen when he started puberty. It is hard to look like a girl when you have a beard. I told shirley that he is pretty when he is a girl. I do not know why I said it, but I told him that he was like a little sister to me. Shirley smiled for the first time in days and said he was so happy that he and I were like family. I smiled back but inside I had conflicting feelings. I am sure that I am in love with Shirley and want him to be my boyfriend. He just does not romantically see me. From the way he smiled, I could see he loved the idea that he was my little sister, even though we are the same age. Maybe one day, he will find out that he fancies me. One can always hope.
Shirley:
Jason was getting bad again. He wasted no time in calling me a baby or other demeaning names. Others called me baby or diaper boy, but they did not want to hurt me. Jason teases because he is mean. Usually, Austin is there to stand up for me. However he will maybe leave soon, and that means I have to learn how to stand up for myself. The question is if I can remember how to stand up for myself. Since I have changed and become more feminine and like a baby, I have not shown my aggressive side. I have been more of a wimp. In a way, this is good as the other children here speak more with me and even understand that I need diapers. I suppose people like it when I am nice and nearly submissive. Still, I had enough of Jason, so today I stood up to him.
Jason:
I got a mouthful from Shirley today. I asked him if his diaper was wet and does he needed his baby bottle or pacifier. Shirley responded by saying that he left his baby bottle in his room and he showed me the pink pacifier he had in his pocket. This did not surprise me so I started telling him how strange he was. Shirley then exploded and told me that he may be strange, but at least he was not a mean bully. He called me a bully and told me that I must be so sad and have things to hide. Shirley explained that he knew how I felt. He was once a bully and was a better bully than me. He bullied others because he was unhappy and did not like who he was. I just walked away and tried to find someplace where I could be alone. Shirley had a point. Am I unhappy? Do I not like who I am? A family wants to adopt Austin, and this is even after I told them that he is gay. I doubt anyone wants to adopt Shirley because he is a baby and wears clothes no boy would ever wear. At the same time, who would ever want to adopt me?
Aunty;
I noticed that Shirley stood up to Jason today. I wonder if Shirley is right, is Jason hiding a part of himself like Shirley once did? Could Jason also be a transgender deep inside his soul? At any rate, I am happy that Shirley stood up for himself. He may have been showing a softer side of himself, but this does not mean that Shirley should let people walk over him. Bullying has been a problem here at the orphanage, and the children seem to be saying that they have had enough. I am so proud that they are saying no to bullying! I am also so proud of Shirley.
Miss Hawthorne:
Today I was told that I am being fired. The board of directors do not think that I am capable of the job. They mentioned that several children said that they never spoke with me or ever seen me. They also mentioned that nothing was done about the bullying at the school. Shirley was also mentioned about why he does not get any help to find out why he has regressed. I suppose it's good that I no longer have this job. They expect me to work miracles. I have no clue what I will do now. I feel it's too early to retire. One thing for sure is that I wrote a letter to the board of directors and told them to read “The teenage years of Allie Horten”. When they read his memoir, they will understand why Aunty should not be in charge. I do like having the last say.
Austin:
I was about to say no to being adopted. I felt like Shirley and Susan were my family. Now I am in doubt. Today Jason was nice to me. He admitted that he knew he was giving me a hard time because he thought I was gay. Then he said that it was Shirley who told him that I was gay. I felt like the world collapsed under me. Shirley is the one that caused so much trouble. Yet he was all nice and supportive around me and pretended he did not know why people started teasing me. Shirley does not know if I am gay or not. He just assumes I am. I feel that he betrayed me. Can I ever trust Shirley again?
Victoria Temple
Thanks for reading this part. I hope you will comment. What do you think the psychologist will say about Shirley? I hope to see you in the next part of “Orphan Petal"
