It was 11:30 when Jenni coaxed me to leave and finding a parking spot out on old river road…

We were at the turn-off for River Road when Jenni pulled into a lot of a closed gas station. She asked for a kiss and when we did; she said, “Your heart is not into this; is it?” Jenni said, “I want to do this to show you how much you mean to me. Maybe then, you’ll love me as much as I love you.”

I was caught off guard. “Jenni, I think I do love you, but I think we’re both racing to try to prove something. I don’t think it’s bad, just early. Who, what are we trying to prove?”

We switched where we were going and ended up at the ocean. It was 3:00 o’clock by the time we were walking the beach with shoes in hand. It was 4:30 a.m. when we stop at a motel. I’m, sure woke up the woman who came to the counter. She muttered, “I hope you’re staying two nights to make it worthwhile you're waking me.” I looked at Jenni and we decided to make a weekend of it.

We did kiss and enjoyed being together. I text my parents to tell them where we were and had decided to stay there for the weekend. We struggled to stay awake as long as we did before we fell asleep. My phone sounded at 7:30, “I hope I woke you. I stayed up until 2:00 waiting to hear from you.”

Once she knew I was awake; she said, “I want you to call me in a few hours. Did you and Jenni have a good time?” She hung up.

Come 10:00 a.m. the air was warm with sunshine and a gentle breeze. He ate enough brunch for energy and was half a block away from the beach. Both of us called home; my parents were upset that I hadn’t text last night but admitted they were not surprised. Katie was at another beach but didn’t want me to know where. My guess was Sarai was in the area. Mom knew we got hassled and were very supportive. Jenni’s folks felt the same, but Mr. Hanz’ hoped Jenni understood that was the reality of the world.

We each had many messages and nine out of ten were supportive; especially pleased with us were the seniors.

We went to the beach to find Hope, Monica, and Tiffany. Monica and Hope were not there yet and Tiffany wasn’t coming. There were three other couples, of guys and girls. More guys, some of whom asked if we were alone? The guys insisted we would be better off with them. Two took our hint that we were together. We moved closer to the lifeguards to play it safe. The water was a very cold 62f. We initially walked at the water’s edge. Hope and Monica’s dates went into the water being macho but were soon out.

Being Saturday night and having a good Jersey boardwalk; we were waiting until then to have some good fun there. We went to the Wharf of the Inlet for dinner. Once we saw two good looking waiters, Jenni and I agreed to one dance for each of us, if asked. Oshie, the owner, approached us on their behalf. It would be a little after we relaxed from our meal. I danced with Lucas and Hayden danced with Jenni. One dance turned to two, but the things ended there. Jenni and I danced mostly with each other or together as a group.

The boardwalk lights were on when we went back out and there was a decent crowd for late May. Jenni thought she had seen Kate and the others, but I didn’t. It was not in either’s interest to be together.

It was nine-thirty when Jenni and I were back in our room. We showered together and there was foreplay and were kissing. We did end up physically making out. First as a boy and girl. Jenni directed me in pleasing her the first time. Knowing better what to do we enjoyed each other better. Jennie’s moans of pleasure were deeper and lasted longer. The truth was my boy parts didn’t return much enjoyment for me. It was the romance and being together that drove me.

I wanted to give Jennie more attention in the morning. Jennie knew better less her parents thought we had gone too far. Katie later told me that was true for both of us. But she was glad I grew a little more.

I was laxer with my makeup when we checked out which made the registrar clerk upset that I had fooled them to think I was fully a girl. Hope and her boyfriend had breakfast with us and Hope insisted I do better with my makeup before we started home.

It was Memorial Day Weekend the following week when our school celebrated graduation. I had to help my parents with Katie’s celebration. Katie going to the University of Penn with honors was quite an achievement.

My having my best semester yet, had happened without my realizing it. But Ms. Jennifer from the Augustana had not. She was also impressed with how much I had progressed in transitioning. Jennifer told me, “I believe if you beginning running this summer; you will be ready to run next year at the college level. You will be receiving communications from us, young lady.”

Jennifer had been there to represent Augustana as Sarai’s many achievements and scholarships were acknowledge. It would bet the coming week that Sarai would leave. She and I had made up and would have a date before she left. Sarai now had a warm but strained relationship with her mother.

Sarai was leaving in four days; I wanted to talk to her but was making it impossible even for my Mom and Katie to find me. I was tired of talking and didn’t know who to believe. Finally, Sarai told Katie, that she was afraid I would run away.

The truth was the next day I had hidden away and did not respond to those calling me.

Jenni finally told Katie, “Caryn’s too afraid to run away.” She’s smart and if there’s a safe place she can’t be seen or heard. That’s where I’d look for her.”

Katie knew two such places: one could be at the church and another was a small room over our garage. Katie assumed the church would be the second place. Dad checked the meter on the garage and it was using too much electricity. Mom, Dad, and Katie climbed the stairs in stocking feet. Mom knocked and announced we were coming in. I turned out the light 0ut as they came in. Mom simply said, "People are worried about you. Please don’t worry about being in trouble.”

There was a long discussion, and our family was immediately relieved. I called Sarai but didn’t say much, but we agreed to meet late in the morning. Dad threatened to spank or ground Caryn. That didn’t outlast my crying as Caryn.

“I just needed time to think things through?” But I had not made any progress. “Besides Dad’s threat would only work on Gary, not me.”

Mom had brought a pillow and comforter to my room and agreed to stay the night. It was something our mother had done with Katie. She figured it was Caryn’s turn. From 7:30 to nine I got to chat with friends and apologize for scaring them. It wasn’t right at 9:00 p.m. that I stopped and took time with mom. It was a good bonding time, as Mom accepted my thoughts and feelings. Before we went to sleep; I had a new appreciation of us being mom and daughter.

The next night I visited Sarai at the Duvalls and then took her out. Mrs. Duvall was cordial, and probably a little hurt about how joyful Sarai was. Sarai was excited to be with me as we picked up our friendship. “I’m sorry, Caryn. I knew giving in to my parents would hurt us. It hurt me more than you know, but I hid that from you.”

Neither talked about the prom, instead, we made promises that we’d see each other during the holidays.

The night before she left she had dinner over at my house. She was delighted at my growing taste in clothes, and how I carried myself as Caryn. It was a tearful goodbye when I took her home. I was not to receive her off. That was reserved for the extended family.

Monday, I went to stay at Cousin Megan’s in preparation for her wedding. Luckily I was very much a girl now in my habits. I did get my eyes open as a university student, she was no longer the cousin I knew growing up. I was to stay with Megan in her room. When I was first shocked at seeing her in all her glory; she laughed and said, “That’s the purpose of this week. Come wedding day when we change I want as little difference as possible between you and my other bridesmaids.”

Travis the groomsman I was to be paired with, acted disinterested in me during rehearsal. He and I got along quite well during the wedding and we made it through the dancing at the reception. He had a girlfriend and was not interested in another. He was interested more in drinking with the college guys.

I did dance with a few people during the reception and enjoyed doing so all dressed up. Grandma Edwards and I were becoming closer.

Beginning to run again was not as easy as I hoped, but I ran well. Soon I was running better. I knew sometime during the season I would probably equal Sarai and maybe pass her. The state was delaying any definitive ruling on my status. Either way, I would be running and improving for collegiate running in the future. If I could not run officially for my high school it would. hurt sports scholarship.

Coach Higgins knew if I could it meant grief from others protesting I was still a boy.

It was mid-July when I first felt new desires. I was with Katie and Ansley once, when their boyfriends showed up. A friend of Josh’s was with them and I liked the idea of going to a dance with them. We went to a dance but weren’t an item until another guy tried to push Doug out. It was then that I realized I liked Doug.

Katie and Ansley left me at the boardwalk and went off on their own. Doug like me wanted to major in environmental sciences. My feelings for Doug showed me that there was a bigger world that I was just learning about.

I would miss Katie as she went off to the University of Pennsylvania and we would stay connected. I visited her twice at her university and she was home monthly or sooner. The things she thought in high school were important changed quickly. The second time she was home I knew she was the same but forever different.

My communication with Sarai was holding much the same message. It ached my heart that Sarai and I might grow apart.

Amy, an old friend from when we were in grammar school, called me up in early August. “I was wondering,” she said, “if you have a girlfriend to go shopping with for school clothes. I like who you are becoming. Nothing romantic mind you, but I’d like to be close friends again.”

It was with Amy and visits with my Mom that I somewhere decided to discover who I am one day at a time.”

The End of the Beginning…

Epilogue: I did go to Augustana, and Sarai and I had remained the best of friends. Liberated by college life we were special friends with privileges well into Sarai’s Junior year. Her senior year was the first time I would be a Maid of Honor. The only other time was with my sister Katie.

I pulled a hamstring in my sophomore year of running and learned that I enjoyed being around people more. I enjoy being transgender and the LGBT community. I am now studying for my masters’ degree in restoring animals and the environment back to where they once were. I find it easier at times if I can immerse myself with animals…