When Mrs. Duvall knocks on our door in the morning, we were sure she recognized that our voices came from the same bed. We would get up go out to breakfast and come back to finish packing and leave.

The day was cold but bright and clear. There were others at the restaurant some of who were probably parents, friends, and college students. Debora was there to see one friend and her parents, but she saw us first. It became apparent to Sarai that Deb wanted to know if I told Sarai about what we had done. Deb was good when I didn’t respond. I kind of enjoyed that I knew something Sarai didn’t know.

There was the posing for pictures confirming Sarai’s acceptance of her as an AU President’s Scholar as well as the sports scholarship. Sarai had earned and deserved the accolades being laid upon her. I was invited, but I needed to call home and share what happened from my perspective. Mom and Dad were both sympathetic; Katie like Mom understood more what my heart was going through. ‘Yes, I needed time to grow and discover myself.’ But with Mom and my sister, it was like I was being hugged and allowed to grieve my hurt.

Dad was willing to pay for an extra ticket for even a different flight. Yes, I was angry and hurt, but I wasn’t ready to pull away from Sarai. I wasn’t going to pull back into my old world.

I did see the women’s Coach again, she even told me, “You know in another year be it as Caryn or back to being Gary. We would be interested in having you here as a student-athlete. Our women were impressed with you and your ability to run.”

Our flight back was routed through Chicago and then the Newark International Airport. Mrs. Duvalls thanked me for coming and apologized for any hurt I experienced. Once would have been okay, but her numerous times were too much. Sarai and I were able to change seats at Chicago to get several rows away from her parents.

My relationship with Sarai felt the same but different. Caryn and Gary both wanted to love her so much that come the new year she would decide to stay in school at home. Come the following Sunday we were to go to a Lutheran Church.

I was glad that Sarai shared only that she was accepted at the university of her choice. She had not told anyone, not even Ashley that she was planning to go there the next semester. That put pressure on Katie as well as me.

It was Tuesday after school and we were over at Ashley’s home. Instead of Ashley being devastated like I thought she’d be; she focused on that Sarai would be back in time for prom and graduation. “Wow, Sarai! It is like you got everything you could have wanted.” Ashley hugged Sarai and then came and hugged me. “I’m sorry Caryn. It must have been overwhelming to you, but…” Whatever she was going to say, she thought better of it. “I know we’re both her best friends. It is going to be a b***h for her to be so far away.” With that Ashley let go of her own emotions and we cried as we hugged. Sarai hugged both of us.

Ashley promised to help me search for a prom dress. “Searching for a prom dress is about as much fun as wearing one… You’re still wanting to go to the prom, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t been asked, but I could go on my own if need be. And yes, I believe I’ll be Caryn.”

Sarai turned me around, “Yes, I want you to be my prom date. I’m the one worried that you will have moved on and had someone new and closer.”

Katie was the one giving us a reality check, “You two can say anything you want. But you Sarai are the one stepping into a new world. How can you know how you’ll feel about things even after two months away and at such a distance?

“And you Sis, you are still discovering yourself. Sometimes I find you going two ways on the same day. With Sarai away, you might lose interest in being a girl. There’s more than one girl who wants to see Gary back.”

Sarai, Ashley, and I all ask kind of in unison, asked, “Who?” I asked, “Name someone?”

Katie paused until she was questioned if she actually knew of someone, “Riley Gable from Brookside High for one, and there’s at least one from our high school.” A nod by Ashley indicated she also knew of someone.

Katie and I needed to get home. Where Mom waited for us. Mom announced, “Caryn has an appointment with Dr. Michele Watts, but we won’t get in to see her until a week from Thursday... Darby her PA needs you to go in and talk to her tomorrow; she wants Dr. Watts to know what’s going on before she sees you next week. She said you can stop taking the pills now.”

“Thanks, Mom, I appreciate you getting this discussion going. It will be easier with her knowing I talked to you about it. I’m glad you now know that my wanting to be Caryn is my decision. But I do like other girls and this would allow me to bring something more to a marriage.”

This is the first that Katie is learning about my idea. She asks, “Does this mean you aren’t giving up on Sarai or that you are?”

I say, “It means I’m committing to being me; no matter what comes of my love for Sarai. I want some of my sperm harvested and froze. I may need to back-off on the testosterone blocker to do it. So I’ll also be risking maturing to show my ugly male self.”

Katie turns to Mom, “Is that right Mom?”

Mom said, “Let’s hope Dr. Watts can help. But yes, Caryn’s eyes have been opened, things need to be her decisions with our support. Other people aren’t to know about your sister doing this, do you understand?”

We helped mom prepare supper and after eating I helped the clean-up, getting things into the dishwasher. Katie was upstairs working on a school report. She stopped other things and talked to me. I learned she still had two classes she needed to take the next semester. Like Sarai, she had taken some college classes, but for some reason, her advanced math and another course didn’t count for high school credit. I guess she knew it. She said, “I give credit to all Sarai has done, but I’m content to be in school through next spring. It’ll be more fun than work.”

I asked Katie to give me a makeup lesson. I wanted to learn put on makeup, so it didn’t show. She giggled as I previously wanted people to know when I was wearing makeup.

Mom was with me the next day when I had my consultation with PA Darby, Dr. Watts’ assistant. I was glad that she listened to me and understood what I was wanting. “You’re wise now is the time to speak up before you got any further down the road in being Caryn. While it is not terribly complicated, it can be uncomfortable. Dr. Watts will probably line up a specialist. She’ll continue to be your general doctor.”

I had thought getting sperm would have been simple like Debora, her friends and I did at the university lab. I gather testing and finding healthy sperm wasn’t quite the same as harvesting it for future use. Learning did help me to ask the right questions.

I continue to realize I have been pretty naïve to this point. It was like I was wearing rose-colored glasses thinking my changes were going to be as simple as I thought.

Friday, Sarai was going to the high school basketball games, and Saturday I was going shopping with my group of friends. The basketball games helped me to take my mind off other things. I saw Jon and Max shake their heads as I was wrapped up in cheering. “Caryn, when did you learn the words to the cheers? When it was us guys, the most we did was to stand and clap.”

“I always knew the words, I just wouldn’t say them when I was with you. Katie would teach me them and the hand movements.”

Sarai said, “It was cute when you came with your sister and we helped you learn the cheers. You probably don’t remember us being with your sister in sixth and seventh grade.”

“My parents were tired of me getting into trouble. I was to keep my distance most of the time. I stayed close enough so neither the goons nor you gave me a hard time. I couldn’t do anything… Was it you that time when someone sprayed me with perfume?”

Sarai said, “When they grabbed and tried dragging you off, the middle school officials could prove it was them. The scent was on them as well… We were happy that you were a good sport about it. But those things ended with us going to the high school… I already knew then you were a good runner.”

I didn’t tell Sarai that I didn’t really like her back then. Instead of seeing Sarai, Katie and others I saw them as competing for looks, grades, and who was the best in most things. I messed up their computers but acted smarter than I.

Like she said come to high school I had a limited number of geek friends; mostly other guys that felt socially awkward. It was then that I started running as a way to prove I was important. But I lacked confidence, even when I was faster, I worried about losing. Well, I didn’t lose, lose, I just didn’t always do as good as I could.

It was Friday morning, Sarai and I went running again. We warmed up as we did in Sioux Falls, I had my smile and we ran for the fun of it. I was glad we weren’t running for time, but I somehow wished someone had timed us. I thought we had one of our best practices. We laughed and hugged at the end. I wanted to keep running and not stop.

I was working on a report in Women’s studies and I had creativity that often escapes me. Ms. Jacobi looked over my shoulder and later asked me alone. “Did someone tell you that or was that your thinking? You don’t have those experiences. What made you think of the possibility?”

I said, “She was said to withdraw most months and write prolifically at those times; but that for her novels she wouldn’t emerge for two to three months at a time. And during her greatest novels, it was likely longer… What I liked is that once the novels were written she was such a free spirit. People said she would glow… My sister can be like that.”

Ms. Jacobi said, “Some students of her writing, agree with you, but they’re all women. I’m impressed, that was your own original thinking wasn’t it?”

I asked, “Ms. Jacobi do you think a trans-girl can grow to think like other women?”

“You’re the one who should be enlightening me. My opinion is yes especially if she, like you has many other women around her. But you also know there is no particular way for a thinking woman. Unique to you, is your years of experience and thinking as Gary.”

I was called into my guidance counselor’s office, Ms. Judy said, “We were wondering if we’re needing to change any of your course schedules for the second half of the year?”

I said, “Well there are two thoughts that come to mind. One is I’d like to take another course with Ms. Jacobi. The other is that I am beginning to have health issues that don’t neatly fit in with either the guy’s health class or the girls. But there are a growing number of questions I have about being a girl.”

Friday was date night and Sarai and I decided to skip out of the school activities. Instead, we went to a moderate size city nearby and stopped at a college driven social space. Wine, tea, water were served with sandwiches, bread, and cheeses. There would be an open mic early and scheduled singers, readers, and comedians scheduled deeper into the evening. While there was some drug use there wasn’t to be any push for a sale.

We were there to talk without distraction and to dance if we wanted. Ours was a small table with candlelight. Sarai knew I was still hurting by part of our trip. She was caught off-guard at my anger. “Sarai, I don’t exactly know how much you knew. The hurt is you invited me to come and I heard things and I was caught out of my element. I was hearing it and being left alone as you had the support and people celebrating with you!… Katie’s doing some of the same things, but she hasn’t blindsided me! I care about my sister, but I love you. The hurt is different.”

Two college women, Jodi and Alysn finally come over, asking if they could join us. “We’re sensitive about other lesbian lovers in the community. We hadn’t seen you before and we just wanted you to know there’s support people around here.”

Sarai, “We hit a tough time; I’ll be going to college and she got hurt because I hadn’t told her something.” The discussion went on. Jodi said to me, “If I’m hearing right, you’re just enough younger than you were leaning heavier upon your love with Sarai? The good thing is you’re owning your feelings better. The issues are where are you two now? Are you reinvesting in your relationship?” That might not exactly be what she said, but it’s how I heard it.

We found some soft cushions where I leaned against Sarai’s hug as we listened to a woman performing her songs. We talked on the way home about how tranquil it was just to sit and listen. My time with Sarai, when she took me home found me with a new sense of peace and ability to move on with loving her.

The next day Katie went shopping with Sarai, Ashley, and others and I went with my group of Hope, Monica, Jennifer Hanz, and Tiffany. Most of our group were looking for one or two gifts. Three of us gave Tiffany ten dollars each as she wasn’t well off. She had twenty-three and change. We insisted that she bought one thing for herself. I bought an extra gift, it was something Tiff had liked by didn’t buy. It was as much a treat for me as it was for Tiffany. Somehow Jenni figured out what I did. “You know you don’t need to impress us to be in the group?”

“It’s a treat for me to have friends like her and to care about others,” I said, “as Gary that wouldn’t happen.” Jenni hugged me; I don’t think she meant anything by it but it did…

To be continued…