Anne has to drag me away after dinner at Coach O Mara’s house to change back to my guy clothes and go back to my college as Brian.

My hair and skin are growing fairer and with improved body. It's something I notice little, and I think I'm hiding my other self really well. Alicia picks up on my changes more quickly, yet she's not sure what it all means. She asks, “Where are spending your weekends.” We go to her room after her practice to study and she sprinkles a light perfume mist that I walk into.

I take a hold of her and I’m about to toss her when I think better of it. I say, “I notice you’re wearing the earrings I gave you, but what happened to the necklace?” As I ask about the necklace, she signals for me to turn around. When I do she places a necklace around my neck.

“Now let’s begin to study,” she says.

I ask, “Why did you put the necklace on me?”

She gives a lite giggle as she replies, “I think it is less obvious than the earrings.”

When I ask, “What all does that mean?”

She says, “When you tell me what you are doing, I will answer you.” I suggest we begin studying. She asks me to help with their team's game the following day.

Coach Beth Hart confesses to me, “Brian, you knew what you’re talking about when you spoke of AU’s change in basketball. We could use your help if you can explain what they did.” Alicia, as one of the forwards, is more adept than most in making the changes. I have seen their next opponent before and suggest to Alicia and a few other players find some things they can do to gain an edge. Ironically, I’m getting more comfortable being seen with the girls’ team. I’m being corrected to say the women’s, not the girls', team.

Coach Beth refers to me several times as “gal” or “she”. When I take exception, Coach asks me to speak to her after the game. The team plays well and Alicia plays well enough to be the leading scorer and helps them win. It was a game they were expected to lose. Coach thanks me for my help and half apologizes and half asks for my understanding.

She explains: “Women are referred to all the time as 'men, guys and to be one of the fellows'; they are expected to understand. I am sorry you took offense and I will watch not to do it too often. But when I refer to you as ‘one of the gals or she’ it is because I see you as a member of the women's team. I actually think more highly of you when I identify you with these women.”

I eat a piece of humble pie, as I say, “I apologize for my insensitivity. I am proud to feel a part of the team, an accepted as part of it.”

She asks, “Does that mean I can refer to you as one of the gals as much as I want?” She smiles and gives me a pat when I say, “I guess so.” Others from the team gather and give me a group hug. Part of that was to get me sweaty and to smell more like them as well. It was three days later crossing campus that I bump into Coach Beth and she says, "How are you doing today young woman." My friend Jay hits me lightly on the arm, "I told you, you're helping the girl's team too much."

I hand in the last of my papers for the semester and the grades for other reports are back to me as I prepare for exams. I am finished my required work hours and I will not need to work until the following semester. I call home and I am looking forward to being home over the holidays. Mom tells me that Carol at the Towne Shoppe is hoping I can work during the holidays.

Anne calls about getting back to AU; they want to help me study. There is one change; I cannot stay with Cyndi but will need to stay with Anne. It seems like an answer to prayer and I quickly agree. When I get there on time on Friday, Coach Jessica has me come to her office and she has me change from my clothes I had changed to come to Amber. She says, "You need to dress to travel with the team for an away game." This skirt is shorter than I like Brian, but the truth is Jenny is beginning to enjoy the different outfits.

Traveling with a women’s sports team two months ago would have been a fantasy come true. Though it is not the way I dreamt it to be. Being the newbie others target me for some of their fun antics. Anne tells some of them, I have been a “tomboy”. Some try to help me with makeup tips, doing my nails, hair, and tips on perfume. Their attention is sometimes funny and other times it is overwhelming. Trying to go to the bathroom on a bus as a girl in a skirt is a new and a not so funny adventure. Luckily the door is locked as I try pulling up my pantyhose when the bus takes an unexpected tight turn.

Walking up and down arena steps in a short skirt and heels draws the unwanted attention of guys. Two of them are still interested in hitting on me when they find out I am with their opponent. The stat person from St. Peter’s befriends me. We help each other identifying players and differentiating shots, from rebounds, or tips. Patsy tells me, she enjoyed working with me when the game was over. She says, “You come from a more open university than ours. I am glad to have this experience; I hope you don’t mind if I consider myself a friend?” I smile and simply say, “Thank you.” I think she knows I’m not a girl, but I’m not fully sure and afraid to say anything more.

Amber's victory actually makes my ride back to the university more problematic. The toes of my pantyhose are cut-off, as players want to polish my toenails, and I wouldn’t take them off. Anne suggests I not go to sleep as I need to protect my panties and my secrets.

After a half hour, I give in to having a make-over. I begin to relax and have fun. Coach gives us a half hour grace on curfew. It means gathering in a lounge and dancing and singing with one another. I take the opportunity to learn to dance better as a girl.

We are up in time for an early pre-game meeting the next day and then back to study. There are three students in a similar major to mine and we study together. When it's time to go for dinner and Anne asks if we can go alone. The surprise to me is the red-blooded Brian guy isn’t really there.

When I share my thoughts with Anne she laughs and then cries. She's not used to my sharing of feelings and she giggles at my awkwardness. She’s right, I have trouble identifying my feelings. Tears for a woman don’t always mean sadness and my laughter sometimes means I’m trying to hide feelings. I get angry at Anne because I’m frustrated with having more emotions in my life. I feel they are out of my control.

Anne’s tears, she finally acknowledges, are for Jenny; “Jenny, Brian is a neat guy, but I think his and your happiness rests in you becoming comfortable with yourself. I know the thoughts and feelings you’re having as Jenny are different for you. I hope you will relax and try to take it in and decide what all this means for you.”

I storm out to be on my own and I’m ready to go back to my college as I walk beyond the campus. Anne picks me up to take me back to change. She says, “Someone will take you back to your college if that’s what you wish, but you really don’t need to leave.”

I hold my composure in check for the basketball game but I burst into tears when we’re back in Anne’s room. While my excuse is my father not accepting of even small things like my long hair. His accepting me as Jenny is impossible to imagine.

The real problem is my own difficulty in seeing myself as a deviate. I don’t really understand or acknowledge that but Anne does. Dr. Heath, my medical doctor here, visits with me at 11:30 that night. I want her to force me to accept or reject my situation. It frustrates me as she encourages me to continue the journey until the decision is fully mine, one way or the other.

I stay with Anne for an uneasy night’s rest. We go to the second of three services for the church. When we’re leaving, Pastor Ramona asks me how I am doing. I am ready to say fine, but I break down in tears. Pastor Ramona is willing to take time with me. I try to refuse but Anne gently insists and Ramona encourages me enough that I agree. We go off where we can have some room away from others.

I’m reluctant about identifying that I’m really a guy. Though I’m not sure she would be surprised. I am however sure she wouldn’t be accepting of me. I've heard that a lot about churches. I’m only partly right. Ramona did not have any idea that I was a guy. But she does know of Amber’s highly confidential program for people like me.

I am also incorrect about her acceptance me and my situation. She is supportive of not only my wrestling with identity issues but she encourages me to be honest with God. She reminds me that God already knows my issues and however it comes out. She suggests I should know I can get through things however it comes out with God’s support.

While I like hearing that; it is hard to believe. Ramona sets me up, asking me the obvious, “Who is greater God or her?” Then she says, “If I can accept you, do you think God is smaller and less able to accept you?” She gives me some Scripture sharing various possibilities. She closes our time with a prayer. The three of us agree to go for dinner as I calm down. Ramona takes off her cross necklace and gives it to me. She helps me to realize that it is acceptable for both Brian and Jessie.

The studying seems to be even better than I would expect. I go back to my campus feeling better about being ready for my final exams.

The first of my final exams go well as does the first exam on Tuesday. But my psyche exam unnerves me and to get my composure I switched to thinking as Jenny. I refocus in time to finish the exam and I feel I did well.

After my first exam on Wednesday, I have a request to meet with my psyche professor, Dr. Keyes. I need to take my accounting exam first. That exam goes well despite being anxious about meeting with the professor.

When I get to Professor Keyes office, he asks me about the vast difference in my handwriting. When I show him my left-handed writing, he approves the results. I had gotten 93% in the exam and I had a B for my course work and Dr. Keyes raises my final grade to a B+. He says, “I have seen you improving as a student the past month or two. I also see the change in your personality. Please don’t let anyone stop this new growth that I see in you.”

I call Anne while I am awaiting my ride home. She congratulates me for using Jenny’s help. She feels encouraged by what my professor has said.

My brother Ron picked me up from college and it’s late by the time we get home but it is nice to be home. I have nine days before Christmas. Both mom and dad noticed that my hair continues to be long. Dad is upset. Mom fingers my hair, asking what is up? Usually, I would give in and have it cut. My offer is to have it trimmed and shaped, is not acceptable to my Dad. I did get it shortened a little before my second work day. Anne had told me I had some split ends that needed tending to.

While dad accepts it is my choice and he won’t force me. However, he is not at all pleased. When I try to find a way to hold my ground and share a little about what is happening in my life. Dad is only happy with the improvement in my grades. He cuts off the little I dare to share about me having identity issues. I draw back and do not share more, neither do I go back to cut my hair any shorter.

Carol is very happy to have me back working and likes what she’s calling her new salesperson. Come Saturday afternoon with Sunday off she gives me some of my pay early that I might have some holiday shopping money.

Sunday includes church, shopping and time at home. My niece, Kayla stops over with her parents and as a seven-year-old girl she starts to play with my hair and my dad yells. The adults know it is with me, but it is Kayla’s feelings that are hurt. I apologize to Kayla and walk out instead of talking with my dad. The atmosphere at home is getting worse as the days continue.

I plan on working through much of the week, but on Monday I’m asked to stay with one of my brothers.

Tuesday, I visit with Cassie Conley about her basketball playing and what colleges she’s considering. She’s surprised about my suggestion for her to consider Amber University. She thought I would push for my own college. She does not see it as likely but she’s more interested when I mention their medical college. I am pleased when she compliments my hair and my change in appearance.

Wednesday, Mom comes to work and asks me to get my hair cut. I realize it is causing a problem for the brother I am staying with. So I go to stay at a hotel on the highway until Christmas. I have four nights to stay there. The first night I’m sitting outside a lounge where members of an extended family are enjoying themselves.

I had winked at a young child and watched her on and off. Finally, she walks away from the family and comes over to me, while they’re not watching. I pull over another chair and carry on a conversation back and forth. Her Mom sees her daughter visiting with me. She takes time to observe how I listen and that her daughter is happy to have a friend to talk with. Her mother comes over carrying a younger child.

I pick up the toddler and bring her to sit on my lap. Her mom is half apologetic and half worried or angry with me. Her worry quickly melts to appreciation as we talk and as I hand her, her baby. I am welcomed to sit down by her family and they offer to get me a drink.

Their conversation revolves around a trip to New York City to shop and celebrate Christmas. There is a snow storm coming as well as problems in the city. That threatens to stop traffic to and from New York City. Janelle confides with me that while all the other presents are bought, this is a time for the women to shop for themselves. By eleven o’clock the late news confirms the storm will dump between 5-7 inches of snow between where we are and New York City as well as in New York City itself.

I say, “I know a women’s apparel store about a mile and a half away. It has some clothes to rival NYC, and the prices are a lot less expensive. I know while Carol has some good holiday buys and she has a good supply of spring fashion ready to place in the spots that are opening as the present inventory thins out.

I know they only half believe me, but if I can get them there I am fairly sure they will be very happy with what they find. Finally, I say, “If you have a good vehicle or two let me take you there when they open at 8:00 a.m. I doubt if you will want to fight the rush hour traffic and the snow. If you want to go to NYC, it should be better traveling after rush hour, 9:00 a.m.”

One man is smart enough to reserve their rooms for two more nights, just in case. Carol’s Towne Shoppe has a parking lot behind the store which only locals usually know about. When we drive into it and park, I am sure the women are disappointed. Only one vehicle empties as the other waits word if the store is good or not.

Janelle and her mother Jeanette receive a warm welcome from Carol as we enter the store. I can tell some of the new clothes are being brought out onto the floor. I had called Carol to tell her of the out of town shoppers. The way they look at the clothes; they know good merchandise. They also recognize some of the clothes coming out as the latest of spring trends in fashion. Soon all ten women are in the store happily shopping. Another carload is now due to come from the hotel.

The first group of the women heads back at 10:00 to the hotel. There packages and joy excited others at the hotel to come and see for themselves. The total of extra shoppers kept climbing as the snow toward NYC was climbing higher than forecasted.

Janelle laughed when she sees I’ve become a worker at the store. I do have a problem as I'm dressed as Jenny like at the hotel. Carol passes me off to others in the store as a cousin who has come in to help through Christmas.

I intended to dress as Brian for work and luckily even my last name of Connors is different from my family name. Michelle the assistant manager quickly thinks she knows who I am, but whispers to me that my secret is safe.

She and Carol later share, “Jenny is so different, only Brian’s hair looks a little similar.” I spent the last hour at the store shopping for clothes I need. Between my employee discount and Carol being pleased with me about all the clothes going off the hangers and shelves; my clothes cost me little to nothing from what they might cost in Philadelphia.

I am pleasantly surprised and Jeanette, Janelle’s Mom returned to the store to give me a ride back to the hotel. She tells Carol, “I think you will have another bus load of shoppers tomorrow. They plan to stop at your store before their bus tries to make it to New York City. We are waiting one more day before we try to get to our NYC hotel.”

When I get back to the hotel, I find out her father bumped up my room to a suite. It is paid through Christmas night. It is my understanding they stopped moving my belongings when they discovered I had a man staying with me. I tell Jeanette, “He isn’t likely to be back until Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. That's when we go to his family’s home for Christmas.”

I am overly tired but too wired from the day to go to sleep. I join a small portion of her family near the lounge. Janelle’s little girl Cara is out with her as she napped too much during the day. Cara and I have fun for an hour as Janelle changes into a new outfit while I take care of her daughter. Then I do the same after she is back. We each share only two outfits with the larger group. I finally become upset with myself for acting like a woman and enjoying myself so much.

I am tired and sleep once I’m back to the suite but it is a restless night. Thankfully I am not due into work until 11:00 a.m.

I help as Jenny for the next two days at the store but have only one more night to celebrate with the Simmons’ family. Monte the hotel manager is very pleased with me and gifts me with hotel merchandise which includes a very nice robe, slippers and a voucher for future stays.

I enjoy our friendships that grew while shopping at the store. They do not recognize me and some even question Carol about her relative that they had not known about. One woman even brought her college-age relative to meet me. She's telling me how nice he is and trying to set me up for a date.

Christmas Eve, I finish my work at noon. I have to spend most of the afternoon transforming myself back to Brian. Carol has loaned me a car to get to my parent’s home. Supposedly, it is my home but sadly does not feel as such right now.

I am warmly welcomed when I show up for Christmas. It is a family tradition that we put on happy faces Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It is something we do for my mother if there is a problem someone has with another. This is the first Christmas that includes me.

My Mom, my sisters-in-law, and grandmothers and nieces get very nice gifts from me. Carol does not carry young children’s clothing but she had given me their sizes and told me where to shop. One sister-in-law and my Mom have been in the store and swore I had not been there. Spring blouses that I gave as presents with gift receipts indicated otherwise.

Kayla and I have an especially good time Christmas Eve at church and Christmas Day at home. “Uncle Brian, no one ever plays with me like you have this Christmas. I hope your Daddy doesn’t get upset with you for playing with me.”

I so wish I could be her aunt so I could invite her to stay overnight. I am sure her mother and dad would have said no, but I could have seriously asked Kayla with the possibility of her answer being yes.

This is the first time for a moment that I completely want to accept Jenny as being me.

During Christmas, I decided after a conversation with two brothers that the tension is not going to thaw during this visit. Ron's willing to give me a ride back to college tomorrow, the day after Christmas. Luckily, I call Carol and she reminds me I have too many of Jenny's clothes to take back.

I tell her, “I have no idea where I will hide them unless I can get them to Amber before my dorm mates get back in some two weeks.” Carol reminds me that I’d first have to explain them to Ron when he gives me a ride…

To be continued…

Jeanette - AU Admissions
Dr. Jayne A. Campbell – Amber’s University President
Jessica O’Mara - Basketball Coach at AU
Heather, 3, and Kyle, 6 O’Mara – Coach O’Mara’s children
Coach Beth Hart – Basketball coach at Upper Valley
Drs. Florence and Frank Drabrowski – At AU one on gender indemnity and learning disabilities; the other is a Psychologist
Monte the hotel manager
Jeannette and Janelle - Mother and Daughter at a hotel