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Masks Chapter 7
*Before…
“Hey you have *Across the Universe*?”
“Uhm…I don’t but mom might?”
Mary Jane pulls me off the bed and drags me to her mom’s room and I’m in awe here too. This…it’s the bedroom of a single grown up adult female and it’s cool beyond words for me.
M.J. Finds the movie and we take it and we head back to her room and…
We run into Aunt Elsbeth in the hall way.
And me fully in girl mode.
Oh shit.
*And Now…
I so totally get the deer in the headlights expression.
I was into this and just so relaxed and happy I totally dropped my guard and forgot to look out for…
“Steven?” She sounds shocked.
Like I’m not.
I backpedal, like literally backpedal but it’s hardwood floors and I’m in footie socks and I have no grip so I’m like spinning my wheels as it were and my brain is going. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
“Aaaahh!”
Great because screaming like the Home Alone kid’ll help.
Plonk on my butt.
“Ow…..”
M.J. actually slips between me and Aunt Elsbeth.
“Mom…listen it’s nothing freaky it’s not what you think!”
Aunt Els looks at me then at her and she does that slip her arms together folding them under her breasts and does that side hip thing and raises an eyebrow.
“Oh and what do I think you two?”
“Steph's not being freaky we’re doing stuff for Halloween and she’s…she’s doing this so…”
Mary Jane’s grasping for the words.
Mine come out and they’re dry and weal like the leaves outside blowing around.
“We’re girlfriends Aunt Els.”
“Girlfriends?”
I just nod my throat getting tight.
Mary Jane looks at her pleadingly. “Mom please I brought the clothes down and gave them to her it’s not their fault I pushed her into it.”
I get up to stand beside her. “No, no you didn’t push me into anything M.J.”
(Sniffle.) “I did, I saw you and I was such a spazz in the boat garage and then you were so cool and I just…and the pinky swear and you calming me down and I just…Mom! I don’t have any friends!...I was just so….”
I wrap my arms around her in a hug. “Easy…chill…we’re good.”
Aunt Els had this look while looking at M.J. that looked a lot like I effed up look, that guilty parent look… and now she’s looking at me a different way and she shifts her arms from under her breasts to her back pockets….like wow…I mean both things just sort of conveyed this whole I’m and adult respect me and oh by the way I have magnificent boobs.
As one of the boob deficient it really is like super power impressive.
“You and Stephanie were just hanging out?”
“………………….” And that was both of us.
“Steph are you really okay with this?”
I blink several times and one of my fantasy responses of in case of situation things comes to mind.
“Why would I be okay? They’re clothes that girls wear usually sure…If here was something wrong with dressing like a girl then that’d mean that there’s something wrong with being a girl.”
I get the eyebrow a little higher. “Well there’s nothing wrong with being a girl but you’re…” She actually stops herself and stares at me because…I was sure that she was going to say that I was a boy…My head’s lowered a little.
Aunt Elsbeth looks at me. “You sure you’re okay with this?” Her voice is gentle and softly questioning.
“Y..yeah…it’s a…it’s a break from being me.”
“Okay then it’s all I need to know then.” She looks at the video. “Great movie, you two want to watch it while we make supper?”
“Uhm…okay…”
“I’ll let your mom know that you’re hanging out and I’ll be feeding you.”
“Uhm…okay…uhm…Aunt Els?”
“Yes Stephanie?”
Oh…oh…wow that was like…She’s an Adult…it was like getting this who thing like hey I see you there girl.
“Can we just kind of keep this here?”
She looks at me. “It’s okay I’ve got your back.”
“Th…thanks.”
“C’mon we’ll get supper started.”
We all head down and Mary Jane’s leaning on me then hugs me when we hit the second landing on the way down the stairs. “I thought we were so done.”
“Me too.”
“Mom can be pretty cool sometimes though.”
Aunt Elsbeth shouts as she goes into the kitchen ahead of us. “Oh course I’m cool!”
“Mom, you’re not cool if you think you’re cool!”
We laugh and I look at M.J. But I head into the kitchen without saying the thought that’s in my head…that just the way that Aunt Elsbeth had just been she knew…or maybe she suspects.
Definitely suspects.
My stomach is doing the flip flop twist thing were you know you were caught, they know they caught you but either they’re not sure what you did or how to punish you.
Or tell my parents.
I know she said that she wouldn’t but she’s an adult, family, a parent…will she really not say anything?
It’s a sort of “On tenter-hooks” few minutes as Aunt Els is on the phone already as we’re there and she has the fridge open and is taking stuff out and she’s taking to Mom.
I’m try not to overhear things but I’m not hearing her ratting me out.
“So, you warm the flour a little and the oil but not heat it up?”
“Oh it does, that then.”
“No, I don’t mind them being over hear and eating it’s just been the two of us here for a long time we love the company besides they and M.J. are getting along great.”
“Yes really. Actually they’re getting along awesomely, you raised a really stand up kid Nancy.”
“I’ll tell them, laters.”
Okay…I knew they were talking about me and I noticed her use gender neutral pronouns when she was talking about me.
“So…?”
“So you have to be home by nine, you have school tomorrow both of you.”
I notice M.J. Bite her lip and look nervous.
I reach over and take her hand giving it a squeeze. “Hey, it’ll be okay I’ll be there too.”
“I still hate it, my stomach will be in knots.”
“I’m a jock remember, I’ll press my social advantage.”
Aunt Els is looking at me her eyebrow raised. “Social advantage?”
I look at her and shrug. “You think jocks play just for the love of the game?”
“No but there’s doing it to be popular and then actually knowing about stuff like that.”
“I’ve read some psyche stuff.”
“Kinsey?” Intense look.
“Some but he’s kind of dated on the whole thing because it’s more like a four dimensional mode than a linear line in my opinion.”
“You’re thirteen you should be reading like…that’s heavy stuff y’know.”
I shrug. “Vested interest?”
She nods and M.J.’s just looking at us. “Kinsey the sexuality guy?”
Aunt Els is looking at her too suddenly. “And where did you hear about that?”
“Remember when we were in Lethbridge? They had a whole huge list of banned books at school. I read some of them. Besides books on sex mom…c’mon.”
Aunt Els is shaking her head. “So what’d you think, since you read it?”
M.J. shrugs. “I never even got close to getting through it, I thought there’d be sex in it but it was like way too dry.”
“Well he was a academic and it was kind of meant to be written like that.”
“You’re not mad at me for reading it?”
“Reading a banned book, goddess no. Read all you want except porn…you’re not legal for porn.”
“But I can write it though right?”
“Mary Jane!” She looks shocked but then she starts laughing as M.J. starts and I’m smiling and laughing a little bit too.
Smart conversation, laughing, Wicca? I mean Aunt Elsbeth mentioned the goddess and even though I’m not into that stuff there’s something about it that is…feels female to me. Like the house and all of this is pretty big to me and it’s a huge cultural change.
Then we’re making pizza. I recognize mom’s pizza dough recipe and it’s basically close to a focaccia bread dough but made even thinner on the pizza plates and she scores it a lot with a fork then she tosses them in the oven.
We make two one with red sauce and cheese and pepperoni and the other one with pan stir fried broccoli, spinach, mushrooms and slivered green beans with white sauce which is this alfredo pasta sauce from a jar.
Aunt Els has this really great mozzarella too that stuff that comes in a ball and she cuts slices of it to go on the pizza’s instead of grinding it and the real parme that you grate instead of the stuff from the plastic jar that you get in the store.
Soda water agave lemonade…
And we watch *Across the universe* together singing along with it while we eat and we just chill out. No more sex and gender stuff…she just treats me like me the rest of the night until I have to go home.
I had so much fun.
I love the songs, I really do love music and the three of us singing *A little help from my friends.* Was fun and I loved the whole trippy thing with *Come Together* and M.J. and I cry with the riots and the funeral and the gospel singing of *Let it be*
It was over far too soon though and it was late enough so…
I take my clothes and head to the bathroom and it hurts. It hurts to take off the things I’m wearing because It’s…it’s like watching myself disappearing and fading away and seeing Steven there again.
It’s not me looking at me in the mirror all over again.
Like that show *Quantum leap.* (Dad watches it on satellite.) I’ve just jumped out of the real me.
My boy clothes feel like they’re so heavy…they really aren’t but it’s like that oppressive heavy emotional thing.
It’s so hard not to cry right now.
Okay I am crying, there’s some tears sliding off my cheeks to the floor as I wrestle with getting the Steven mask in place.
And it’s like one of those scary drama movies as I stuff my soul into an oil drum as it were and ignore the cries that part of me is making as I hammer the lip on her…only it’s me too so I can feel that light I was allowed to step into go black on me and there’s part of me inside that lets out this scared little strangled….. ~No….~
I head out and Aunt Els is looking at me leaning on the wall in the hallway.
“You going to be okay?”
“Probably not.”
She slips over and she hugs me and I hug her back.
(Sniffle.) “Why me Aunt Els?”
“I don’t know kiddo, no one really does yet.”
“Don’t tell them.”
“I can’t, It’s your stuff to tell but I’ll be here for you to help.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“Never Steph, never.”
She called me Steph even like this…
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome honey…You’re my niece I love you.”
I squeeze her really hard and she does back. One of those hugs that gets right there inside of you right where you usually don’t get hugged but need it the most in.
I head home and it does really suck going back to being Steven but this time…this time it’s different.
The real me that girl sealed away in that drum curled up in the dark.
She got hugged, told she was loved.
And inside my dark place that’s like me suddenly having someone give me this emergency candle and I have a little bit of light there in this dark place.
Candles can be amazing right?
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Comments
Bailey you are amazing
I have been addicted to your stories for some time. Just seeing your name on a new story causes a spark of excitement in me. Fortunately for me, you are a prolific author.
This one is hitting home more than most. My standard response to "Are you going to be okay?" was "Probably not." during my entire adolescence for the same reasons Steph is saying it. Of course, no one understood it in my world.
Thank you once again for the time and energy you put into writing these stories and for sharing them with us.
Fey
Thank you Fey:)
It was a wonderful compliment to get. I think that there were so many of us that were like that in our adolescences. That "probably not" is just something that fits so many of us so well.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Except . .
Except that quite few likely answered "Yeah!" all the time when inside it was really "probably not". And I am sure that fits quite few with different problems too.
Well Steph has two people in her corner already, that's a good thing!
We all have too many I'm fine times, too many "Yeah's"
I so agree with you there...how many times do we say nothing because of what they'll think or feel...will they crush us while open, will they really hear us and care?
Just a little hope is powerful.
*Great Big Hugs for Pixie Dust.*
Bailey Summers
Frank admission
Her frank admission and her aunt's response had me crying. That's the problem with letting the 'girl' out of the box, putting her back inside. It can hurt... a lot. The difference is Steph has her Aunt and cousin there for her. Those kind of things, like touch-stones does help.
Hugs
Grover
Those kind of touchstones can save lives.
Opening up is so hard, when you're transgendered just being that close to the truth is hard and being free then not is...It's so hard and exhausting.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Awwwwe!
Looks like she's got another ally :D
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
Every little bit of safety helps.
Some transpeople are looking all their lives for some kind of safety.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
*sniffle*
I'm crying. Again.
Great story.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
*Big Hugs* Jemima.
I told you tissue alert hon:)
*More Hugs*
Bailey Summers
aunt El
sounds like she put some air holes in that drum.
great job, thanks
Thankfully so...
Stephanie just has that little light there...that tiny bit of hope going for her.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey Summers
Yay!
I called it :)
I think following that evening, it's going to be even more likely Steph will seek to spend as much time at MJ and Els' house as she can get away with. Of course, eventually she'll have to start thinking of plausible excuses to tell her immediate family why she's spending so much time over there, without revealing the real reason...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
You're so really close on that too!
Aunt Els and M.J.'s house will definitely be Steph's safety zone though.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
I made the mistake.....
Of reading this during half time at my sons soccer game, and now I'm sitting here wiping the tears off of my face and hoping that no one notices me crying. This story, like most of your writing, really pulls me right in. I can feel how Stephanie feels as she forces her real self back into hiding and puts her Steven facade back on. I think most of us here have been there before; I know I certainly have. Every time I go to work, or every time I have to appear in public as male I die a little bit.
I have the advantage of knowing that the end is in sight - I may not have a date written on a calendar yet, but I know that I am moving forward and with the help of my friends here I will get there. I just wish that I could have found the courage and had the support that Stephanie has to be the real me 40 years earlier.
The comment about Jocks was perfect as well. Yes, I enjoyed playing soccer, but that wasn't why I played.
Another wonderful chapter to add to a fantastic story.
Thank you once again Bailey for making me feel alive.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Oh Dallas thank you, I was trying for all that.
There are Masks that we all put on and do it so much dealing with the outside world and suffocate but on the inside. I'm glad that the rest of this scored too like the stuff about playing sports but that is just one of the many disguises we all try isn't it.
Thank you for the huge compliments honey and yes we'll be with you on your journey home to yourself.
*Great Big Huge Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Here I am
'Basking' in seeing my name as a character, but there is a moment here, when Aunty Els speaks to her, calls her, Steph. That moment of acceptance, of recognition.
I remember, some time ago, when I had cocked up, and a truly close friend, the original of my character Ginny, was talking, nay, ranting, down a telephone about me, and I was there, in male drag, bald and fat and WRONG, and every single pronoun my friend used was RIGHT. She. Her.
I don't need to explain how precious that was.
Thanks Steph, I'm glad I could capture that moment.
There is nothing like having that hit you when you hear someone doing that. Nothing even close to that unless you're lucky enough to have an S.O. saying those things to you.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Here I am...
I understand the joy and suspect it is not just the name. It is neat to be accepted where you are, many here root for you.
JessieC
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors
Yes, every little bit of support helps.
Sometimes just more than we know for some one.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
A candle for hope
Sometimes, a little hope and a flicker of light is just what you need...Bailey, you have this amazing ability to reach out and touch and connect with your writing, to paint a world as vivid as ours with emotions and thoughts that just feel so real and so close to home? This brought tears to my eyes, but also made me smile...thank you, again, for your beautiful work!
Again Thank you Alchemilla:)
That's a wonderful comment and compliment. I'm glad that you're enjoying this so much and that there's a connection going on.
You're very welcome.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
"I’ve just jumped out of the real me."
I could quote most of the rest of this chapter, its so .... what I felt like
To have some one tell my girl self she was loved at that age ....
I'm totally going through tissues now.
Sometimes it's just that little candle to keep the monsters away
Like someone cast a spell over us that turned us into someone we're really not then...then someone believes.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey a Proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
TIP OF THE ICEBURG
The first of many mile stones but it is just the first of many to be taken. Steph with a little help from there friends she should be making many more.
Thanks Bailey for depicting Steph's awakening as a realistic process,. We, on this board, all know that is a fact, but are not always able to express it in our writing. That ability is something I hope we can learn to better our writing skills by your stirling writing examples.
Your misbehaving Faerie Huggles
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Well I've been trying to have it feel right.
Stephanie is taking some incredibly shaky first steps and into a scary realm of possibilities.
I do see that portrayed in a whole lot of other writing here too.
*Great Big Angel Huggles.*
Bailey Summers
Mask is regular self...
Steph experiences the light of day and that she is not weird rather that she is accepted by and a special friend to M.J. and vice versa. Discovered by MJs Mom and her Aunt she is even loved as she is. Being Steven is the mask and its hard putting him back on. Under the mask Steph is simmering and not going away.
Bailey, this is a neat story, write it as it comes to you quick or slow in its own time.
Hugs, JessieC
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors
We all wear masks.
There's always something guarded no matter who we are and sometimes it's the hardest thing to take it off and to put it back on after tasting freedom...after feeling maybe real?
Thanks for enjoying this Jessie and all of the support.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Ahh, could we change that to...
An LED pen light maybe Bailey? Not crazy about kids with candles, sorry, you know me, always the firefighter! I love this chapter though. Auntie Els' truly is the "COOL" Aunt. I think Steven having two true ali's, is really going make a difference in maybe soon to be her life. I also think Nancy needs to find out soon or there will be hurt feelings between her and Els'. Thanks Bailey, as always, wonderful! Big Hugs, Taarpa
Thirteen is okay for metaphorical candles.
Elsbeth is really cool and she's of course held in kind of awe by a young transwoman who sort of see's her as someone to aspire to. Nancy's of course going to be involved but at what point? Steph's not doing anything dangerous to herself or others so when do you cross the privacy line.
Elsbeth will have to weight that carefully.
It's outing someone after all.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
BEHOLD THE POWER OF BOOBS! ^_^
And they look just as awesome on cute boys too! = )
Aunt Els has the power.
Even more than She-ra.
*Huggles and scratches.*
Bailey Summers
I so remember!!!
The nights I cried myself to sleep wondering how I could go on
pretending to be the person everyone thought I was!! I have been
so lucky, I am now her and happy!!! I am so glad for Steph that she
has her aunt and cousin!!! There is a small light at the end of the
tunnel!!! Now comes the hard part, having the courage to tell her
parents the truth!! Oh Bailey I so enjoy your stories, you have the ability
to write what I went through and let me enjoy it this time!!!
HUGS,
Pamela
So I’ve been a boy and
I’ve been a girl and, trust me,
being a girl is better
Thanks Pamela:)
That sense of alone and in the dark has hurt way too many of us. I'm glad that you found your way to yourself.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Community!!!
This is why I love my brothers and sisters in the community!! I know we have
all had those dark nights!! We need to support each other and make it better!!
Oh Bailey this sharing we do here is great, but it would be so much better if
I could give you a big hug in person!!!
<3 Pamela
Did Kinsey do TG?
I've heard of it, of course but never really plowed through the book.
Anyway, this is a really great story.
The feelings are so honest and you really get the tween age vibe.
Gillian Cairns
Epic Win
This episode is totes epic win.