Masks Chapter 4

Chapter 4

*Before………..

I try a brave girl smile at her…yes girls can smile differently, they have this whole range of stuff that’s guyboden for me to do.

I’m scared actually but I say it anyway. “Girlfriends.”

Mary Jane shakes pinkies with me again. “Girlfriends.”

I really wish I could happy cry right now. It almost fees like my heart’s beating for the first time all over again.

*Now…………

She lets out this shaky sigh. “I hate when I get like that.”

“Like what?”

“I get upset and all weepy and stuff sometimes.”

“I think it’s pretty cool actually.”

“Oh yeah because crying will so have people not think you’re an emotional spaz.”

“M.J. it’s okay you’re just in touch with stuff. I think that’s a sign of a big heart.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Yes I do and I’m not saying that there are times I’m so tightly locked up under the boy seal that I feel things so much it needs out but I don’t dare so it hurts even more.

And more.

Until I reach to that thing that guys have to do that shuts it all down.

Only I’m a girl not a guy so when I do that it kills me inside a little bit every time.

“Steven…Steven…hey…you okay?”

“Yeah….” I lie.

“It was like I lost you there a minute.”

“Just thinking.”

“About?”

“What I’m going to do for a costume if we’re doing this.” Kinda true, kinda a lie.

“Well what kind of party are we having?”

“I dunno just costumes and a kinda dance.”

“Okay cool, so what are you into?”

Oh there’s a loaded question, the thing is a lot of the cool stuff I like isn’t really girly and that kind of gives me this whole kinda guilt thing sometimes because I mean…If I know I’m a girl shouldn’t I be like more girly and stuff.

I bite my lip. “Mostly guy stuff.”

M.J. gets this look and tilts her head. “Like what exactly.”

“Videogames, comics, movies, sports.”

“Uhm…Steven news flash I’m into those things too.”

“Okay…”

She rolls her eyes. “No seriously, why don’t you come over to the house and hang and you can see that I’m into the same things as you are.”

“I’m not saying you’re not it’s just that I mean….”

“Mean?”

“I don’t have any sisters M.J. so like my all things girl is kinda based off my mom.”

“Yeah…okay so come on.”

“I…okay let me go ask.”

I put the stuff in a box and jog into the house through the back porch and look for mom and see her there with Aunt El’s and the house smells like bread?

Oh yum, fresh baked bread.

Wow Aunt Elsbeth is really something…. Raven haired and blue eyed it’s a dye job though she has red hair naturally but I’ve always seen her with black hair. Smart dark rimmed glasses that look great on her, she’s that older woman with that great fashion sense…example she’s wearing a vintage rock tee with a scoop neck that does the yay boobies thing but it flows perfectly to the jeans she’s wearing with this heavy leather belt the makes her waist and goes with the leather boots she’s wearing.

She makes me ache to be like that…it’s. She’s so pretty and together and cool and the complete opposite of the way I feel everyday.

I swallow down that lump of me that I have when all those feelings start up.

“Hi Aunt Els.”

“Ah…Steven?” She’s looking at me like se had to makes sure it was me.

“Uhm yeah.”

She gives me a hug and I hug her back. I look over at mom who’s giving me a funny look. Mom’s no slouch either but she’s mom and she’s in capri pants and a sweat shirt and just y’know mom stuff but it still usually cause me the same thing.

I want to look like my mom does when she smiles. Which she’s doing now. Mom has a great smile too like Julia Roberts meets Jan Arden. “What up honey?”

She’s setting fresh bread out from the oven and raises an eyebrow like if I want some. I nod. “Please and some for M.J. too.”

She grabs a loaf she took out before this one and the electric knife. “So…you want something?”

“How’d?”

“Mystic mom powers.”

“Can I go over to M.J.’s she wants to hang out?”

“Sure you two are hitting it off?”

“Yeah we are she’s kinda nice and stuff so can I go over?”

Mom looks at Aunt Elsbeth and she just shrugs. “They’ll be at my place it’s not like they’ll be running around on the streets like I did.”

Mom nods. “Okay, just watch out for cars.”

I don’t roll my eyes or anything it’s actually smart. I had a friend die on us a few years back because of a dumb driver. See our little part of the sub burbs is a short cut to get out to the malls. It takes you out right close to the high way without having to deal with a bunch of highway traffic so it’s a short cut for some people.

And then there’s those people that think because they’re not on the highway they can text or talk on their phones and drive.

I nod and I take the two offered slices of bread and start applying some peanut butter while it’s still hot and it can get all gooey and melty.

I’m just getting them done when both get snagged by Billy and Bobby and I try to snatch them back before they...

The asses took bites.

Billy looks at me and snorts. “Fag.” And punches me in the arm. Bobby snorts and he snatches the wig…shit I was wearing the wig and he starts swatting me with it.

“Why you wearing that wig twerp?”

“Give it back!”

“Give it back….” That was Billy.

I’m getting upset and not in the way that I usually do and try and funnel it into boy-aggro but with everything that just happened the real me is too close to the surface and it’s just too hard to keep on my Steven mask.

Tears are coming and I can’t keep them from happening no matter how hard that I try not to.

And their bigger than me and stronger than me and they’re laughing and there’s the odd shove as they’re playing monkey in the middle.

Thwack! Thwack!

“Ow shit Mom!” Both of them just got mom’s near slap-shot speed smacks with one of the wooden spoons.

“Language both of you!” She takes my wig back from Bobby and passes it to me I take it and hold it in my hands fisting it and trying to get that boy mask back into place. “Leave your brother alone he was helping your cousin out.”

“Oh well that’s an excuse.” That was Bobby.

“Robert…” She growls at him.

“Mom we were just joking he needs to toughen up.” That was Billy.

“I’m tough enough as it is jerk.” I shoot back at him.

“Really you looked plenty queer wearing that, you know doing stuff like that’ll get around and I’m not taking heat because my little brothers going around like some fairy.”

“Why you afraid that people will get the right idea about you and thing that you’re into guys?”

Billy lunges at me. “You little shit…ow!”

Mon applies the Vulcan ear-twist to him before he gets to me. “Enough the three of you! Billy, Bobby both of you lay off your brother you’re just be asses to be asses or do you want to try this attitude with your father?”

“No mum…” They carouse and look abashed and there’s a sort of mixture of glare with grin at me.

“Steven you take a loaf with you two and go okay.”

“Yeah okay…” I hunch and resist to wipe at my face and I go behind the kitchen island and Aunt Els takes the garbage can out and she holds it out to my brothers.

“No bread for you two.”

“But…!”

“Yeah that’s exactly what you two were being.”

“Mom…!”

Mom looks at both of them and nods at the garbage can and they dump the stolen bread slices in with a sigh and she points upstairs. “Go and maybe you tow can actually think about behaving like civil human beings instead of the hooligans that you’re being.”

They leave and I’m wrapping a loaf of bread up in paper towels so the steam doesn’t make it soggy but my hands are shaking and my stomach is in knots. Mom and Aunt Els look at me. “Are you okay honey?”

I put the bread in a plastic grocery bag and I look at her and part of me just wants to be able to break down and cry and have her hold me and tell me that it’s okay. That everything that I’m feeling is okay.

But how can you say something like that to your parents who are so obviously into you being what they think you are?

I don’t know how to even be who I really am.

And there’s a fresh dose of shame to go with the stomach ache and I can imagine that’s the real me curled up into a ball inside.

It hurts a little more as I nod and slip on my I’m fine face. “I’m okay, I’m going to go alright?”

Mom nods. “They’re just being fifteen year old guys their all full of teen hormones and stuff, don’t sweat it okay. You get to be their age you might be just as bad.”

“No…” I choke on the words and I leave heading back out to the boat garage and meet up with M.J. who’s outside and just looking around the yard.

She looks at me. “What happened?”

“Nothing…” My voice creaks under the strain of the stuff I’m feeling.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“Older brothers…asshole older brothers and puberty crap.”

“Yeah I met them when we were moving in, real charmers they did nothing but gripe and scratch and stuff and ogled my next door neighbor.”

“Can we just get out of here? I really don’t want to talk about it or like be here right now.”

“Sure.”

We leave and walk and I take up through a couple of short cuts between home and her place. That’s the thing about the suburbs there’s always a few spots or lots that aren’t used and us locals turn into paths. Actually there’s two or three that the town just said heck with it that go through little sections of trees that they actually made paths and put gravel on because everyone was using them.

Their house is a lot like mine but just not in as good a shape…yet. I mean dad is really good with his hands and stuff. It’s a two story place with that glassed in farmers styled front porch and the same in back and lots of maple trees in the front yard and a huge back yard…kind of a field and there’s kind of an old barn that’s been there doubling as a garage.

Actually it looks like that semi gothy witchy kind of place that Aunt Els would have definitely bought.

M.J. sort of skips to the porch and she unlocks the doors and we head inside. It’s nice but it needs a lot of work still. She leads us to the kitchen and it’s nice too as far as I can tell really old styled which I guess is popular these days and she goes to a cupboard with all these jam jars with the ring kind of lids on them and stuff and she takes a bottle down.

“Put the kettle on and I’ll make some tea.”

“Tea?”

“Tea’s good for when you’re upset.”

“Uhm…okay.”

I look for the kettle and find it on the stove and go and fill it with water and Mary Jane’s looking at me.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Uhm…okay…where are the knives?”

“Over there but for the bread only.”

“Huh?”

She’s just looking at me and it takes me a few seconds to get it. “Okay…not really something I’d do M.J.”

I’m too much of a chicken.

“Good, just stay here and get comfortable I’ll be right back.”

“Okay…” I sigh and look for the bread knife and I start to cut on some of the loaves and she’s not gone that long before she’s back and she passes me these cute sweat pants that are black but with a bright pink racing stripe and this grey girls hoodie with like rocker styled roses embroidered on the hood and the sleeves and there’s and Headly girl’s tee-shirt and ankle socks.

“Uhm M.J.?’ I give her what I’m hoping is a scared and helpless boy look instead of the I’m found out look.

“You swore with me right? Well Steven doesn’t want to talk about it but….my girlfriend Stephanie? Might ‘cause girls talk and…” She’s holding up her hand and her pinky.

“I…” Part of me is wildly looking for an excuse and the other part is waking up like the real me curled up crying inside just say someone open up the drapes inside the dark room I’ve been trapped in and I…I can maybe…maybe just take a chance…look outside…be me…?

“Okay…okay…”

I can do this right?

“Good the bathroom is upstairs and on the left.”

I head up and I’m shaking…I look at myself in the mirror and I take the wig out of my jacket pocket and shake it loose and try to get it to look okay and I get undressed and stare at myself…not at this stranger that only sort of looks like me in the mirror and then mask falls off and I grab a towel and I start crying into it to muffle the way that everything feels right now.

That’s not me looking back at me.