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My Super Secret Life-21.
Chapter 21.
*Matt/Alexis……….
It was a rough night of sleeping really here there’s this hurt and want to curl up from the whole thing with me and Sunny then this whole storm of thing here between me and my folks so I feel kind of like after this hurricane ripped through me and I’m in that time after the storm when you’re not sure if it’s really over.
I can’t sleep even curled up like this.
I’m enhanced…
Gene-tweaked to be better, faster, smarter…to have aptitudes…even my sex was chosen. But being illegal it’s not an exact science and is me being VG a goof in my design? Just how much of anything was me or the science?
I mean I can always say that of course it’s all me. I did all of these things without knowing anything about this but try to actually tell yourself that really.
Try not to let it make you question everything.
Good luck with that.
I sleep in after the night I had and Dad’s not doing much because he’s likely got a massive hangover and Mom’s just letting us be the house is quiet. I get up and do the usual and then a hot bath.
I’m still recovering from Ty, Sunny’s effect on my body. I’m still feeling sore even almost a day later.
I take a bubble bath, just because I want to, it’s something that cheers me up usually and I need that. I close my eyes and listen to tunes on my Skyler…it’s like an I-pod but it’s personal satellite radio and I’ve got the beach model so it’s waterproof and stuff. I listen to some older stuff but mostly off colony non-alliance stuff. The alliance stuff’s kind of a brand market like the way you’d hear stuff in national radio markets back in the olden days. So I’m kind of listening to some stuff that’s good, still mainstream just not mainstream for here.
Brit-rock actually.
No the British aren’t alliance, they’re their own deal having gone and gotten big into the space age early when things got feasible they went really back into the whole colonial thing. A lot of those old earth nations did that. Earth is a seriously rich place now with the founding nations pulling in cuts from their colonies. They’re actually like loan sharks putting up the cash for a colony then getting hefty interest back or less if you fly their flag.
New Haven’s a free colony, and we’re one of the biggest there is too. The whole thing with the Arkers getting discovered stunted a lot of plans for the RCF who had landed here with their own settlers. Oh RCF…Republique Colonial de France.
Blah, blah, blah…right?
God I love Brit-Rock, Then new stuff but they still play music from the twenty and twenty-first centuries. When I’m feeling like Matt I like the harder stuff but right now I’m still hovering inside with Alexis still hurting so it’s soulful stuff.
That’s the good thing about this many centuries of tech and music I just text in my genre and mood as a request and the stations D.J. puts together a play list and I’m soon crying and singing with my eyes close to these great, amazing old tunes as I sing the pain out.
From singing in the bath, until getting up and getting dres…
No, Nope Okay….
I’m pacing and chewing on my thumbnail and I get some of my stuff together and a card table and my computer and go online. I queue up my accounts and my e-mail lists and send-all.
[Important message, please watch my coming out video.]
I sit in front of the my laptop and look at the camera and do a window mirror in one corner.
Deep breath.
“Hey everyone, It’s Matt…I guess you all know that though. I….oh…wow this is hard to say but I…I’ve been lying, I’ve been lying all my life especially to myself. So I guess I’m coming out. I’m coming out because it’s just gotten to the point of where it hurts not to be who I am.”
“I’m V.G. that’s varied gendered now that’s like an umbrella term but in my case I’m still Matt except when I’m not. That’s when I’m Alexis. Now it’s not as much a body image, or physical gender thing as much as it is in my head. I’m not really gay because Alexis is a girl, is the girl inside of me…”
“I’m just not able to fake not being Alexis sometimes, everyone has these moments of where we cross the binary gender standards society sets for us and it’s no big deal, but for me it’s not just a guy thinking those flowers are pretty, I want to pick them or smell them. I see a nice dress I want to try it on. And it’s not a cross dressing thing, it’s because that it’s pretty, it expresses things tat I feel deep down in my heart. I’m like other girl when I like to feel pretty.”
Another deep breath and I open a can of cranberry soda. Soda on NH has juices without added sugars or sweeteners to soda water. Other stuff is pop. Anyway…
“I guess you’re all wondering about Matt though since I’ve been talking about me as Alexis. The thing is I’ve always been Matt, I’m not really that different than the guy that you’ve always known…it’s just those times you’ve seen me not all there when we’re talking or looking like I’m off thinking or just quiet…that’s me trying to hold it in, to keep it quiet and hidden.”
“I just can’t do it anymore. I want to be myself, I want to be Matt when I’m Matt and I want to be me went I’m not.”
“I know that some of you won’t get this, or won’t want to, but I just can’t go back to living just half a life. I know there’s some of you out there that will want me to choose but I just did. I’m not jumping back and forth, I’m being who I am and that’s both parts of me.”
“So…there’s my soapbox and that’s my speech so I guess that’s everything except to introduce you to Alexis now.”
I start getting made over but this time in front of my screen and I start with the follicle remover cream and I explain what the stuff is, and where I get things and even saying what other things that I’ve tried. The nano hook wig is next and then my vocal masking choker changing the range and pitch of my voice to Alexis’s female sweet contralto sounds and my posture changes in response to it even my mannerisms as I go from Matt to Alexis and getting dressed, and made up and I bare it all even my tuck and hold hot panties.
I bear it all and even show off and change into several of my outfits that I really like and then send out my video. I change into Matt’s sweats and still stay Alexis mostly and slip downstairs and actually cook.
It’s a girl thing I don’t get to do much and I grab some chicken parts from the fridge and put them in buttermilk and liquid eggs and some salt, pepper and thyme and sage. I roll it in fine yellow sweet corn flour and deep fry the pieces.
I’ve wanted to cook like this as myself here at home for the longest time. I just never felt safe enough to be myself to do it. I’m making skin on mashed potatoes when Dad comes into the kitchen sniffing the air.
“Honey? Are you making fried chicken?……oh….”
“Hi Daddy…” I know we sort of made progress but I’m scared now, it’s the next day and he’s sober and……
“Hi…Alexis…?”
I nod biting my lip. I mean I’m not physically scared but it’s emotional fear.
“You’re cooking?”
“Uhm…is that okay?”
He takes one of the legs with the thighs out of the bowl with paper towels in it to catch the grease and he bites into it and does that thing where you’re trying to chew while the foods too hot.
“Better than okay honey, damn this is good. There’s only one problem though.”
“What Dad?”
“You keep cooking like this and I’ll have to start working out again.”
“It’s good?”
“Better than your Mom’s.”
“Dad; Mom doesn’t cook.”
“And I’m seeing you took Home Econ for more than hanging with Sunny and the easy A.”
“No…I don’t do this a lot but I did like learning all of that. I might take the level eleven and twelve parts of the class now.”
“Okay…” He looks confused.
“I went online and came out Dad.”
“Oh…” He looks a bit stunned by that. I get that I mean if my friends and stuff know then it’ll be making the rounds with his friends and the people he does business with. I ca see it all there behind his eyes before he closes them.
He might feel responsible, or ashamed, or disappointed I’m not sure but I know I just dumped a huge amount of stuff on his shoulders and made his life a lot harder. It hurts to know that I did that.
Then he moves over and he gives me a hug. “Hey, it’s going to be okay.”
You know that one of the things that sucks for guys is that once you hit a certain age you’re not supposed to find comfort like this. I have missed being held by my parents, by my Dad.
Girls think guys are messed up? There’s a good reason why, society makes us so screwed up.
“I’m sorry Dad, it’s just I can’t go on hiding anymore, I just need these things too…they’re part of me and….”
“Its…Okay…Alexis.” He says it slowly so it sinks in. “We’ll face this one step at a time.”
“You sure.”
“Yeah kiddo, not that this’ll be easy by any stretch and your mom and I got a lot of work to do and learning but well get through this.”
“Thanks Dad.”
“You can call me Daddy Alexis if it helps.”
“I can?”
“Yes, you can.”
He’s snacking on those broken off fried battery bits while we wait for mom to come home from work and I keep busy making biscuits…ugh…twice my first batch was sheer crap hard as hockey pucks. My gravy was better but still had lumps in it here and there.
But It was supper, a supper I had cooked for my family. Mom and I even talk cooking while doing the dishes together and it was nice.
We’re having coffee and sharing a slice of cheesecake when she smiles at me. “You know the best thing about this?”
“You get to take me shopping?”
“Nope, but Matt has no excuse not to cook anymore.”
I stick my tongue out at her and we laugh and hug then she’s off to talk to Dad and I head to my room and turn on my computer and check things.
My e-mail and other accounts are filled with hundreds of messages. “Whoa…”
I click the first one.
[Matt you’re a freak, Die fagot die!]
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Comments
I hope
I hope there are some supportive messages in there. I hope that first one was just bad luck.
We'll have to see what happens Thera:)
But there'll be some idiots and arses that'll always have something bad to say.
*Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
WOAH!!!
WOAH!!!
Yup:)
Very Woah!!!
*Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Welllll, being truly VG is probably pretty rare
I still stand by my belief that it is more stressful on people around you to be VG as they are gender static ( even crossdressers, as they are men when it gets down to it and they have no problem with that ) and expect others to be the case.
I do not know what the percentage of people who are VG but it must be at least as small as the TS folks.
What I don't buy about being VG is the statement is that other days you are somebody else, as a person is a person and you are always you, maybe in a different mental 'dress' but you are still 'you'. A true VG should not even need to change clothes to make people know they are a different gender, it should just be done with mere change of attitude, one's mental gender 'dress', or does that make one thing of gay male queens? There is a difference in being feminine vs effeminate.
I got a taste of that when I that when during transition when I was still wearing male dress and was mammed part of the time as my mental gender is feminine and my body was a little more feminine than usual. People did not considered me effeminate despite the dress, just feminine. Is the need to overcome one's physical gender every time one is trying to be mentally feminine the mark of a VG vs still being a man despite dressing in woman's clothes the mark of a crossdresser?
Frankly being VG is pretty murky and hard to define and consequently misunderstood. They are also too much of a minority to have a major voice in the gender community.
Kim
As I understand it a VG has a
As I understand it a VG has a "mask" he or she shows to the world. In a male VG like Matt some parts of the mask are actually reality, while others are not. The true self may be very well gender androgynous, but society pressure, expectations of parents and friends made the "mask" iron hard and irremovable. To let the other parts of the personality out the VG person would need to wear another mask, a female mask in Alexis case.
You're right, it's bound to confuse the hell out of people, but what can he do? Live his life as a male to fullfill the expectations of society? Live his life as feale to make things easier to understand for transgendered people?
I don't know the reason for varied gender. Maybe the mechanism that causes gender adaption in the first place is damaged, maybe it switches around, who knows... Or maybe he's just nuts. Although I kind of doubt that.
I hope Matt/Alexis will get some support for his/her decision. It might depend on the school though. If they don't stop hostility against him and people who might support her, the situaton will turn toxic and unbearable.
Bailey, thank you for writing this captivating story,
*hugs*
Beyogi
You get this really well Beyogi:)
And there's people who say the way that Matt/Alexis copes with who they are is nuts and that it's a mental disorder when it's just another facet of human gender and sexuality in the 27th century.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey
Bailey Summers
VG
I so identify with Matt, actually. Dang, it's a 27th century thing? Eeek, I exist before my time. I'll have to find a time capsule to hide in.
But I do get it. When I was younger, I thought I was "just a crossdresser", even though on some subconscious level, that didn't feel totally accurate. Then after meeting some transsexuals, post and pre-op, I felt some of what they described, and wondered if I was too. And a large part of me really does believe I'd be happier if I'd been born a woman, or could transition safely and seemlessly to one now. But... that didn't seem totally right either. It's only in the last five or ten years I've come to slowly see I'm somewhere in between the two, with definite strong feminine mental/emotional traits, but male ones too. And like Matt, sometimes I feel more like one, other days more like the other. I'm still me either way. It's not like multiple personalities or anything. Although each may focus on different personality traits. There are some "male" traits I feel at both times, and some "female" traits I feel at both times. But otherwise, when I feel more "Dani", I fall more easily into what feels more natural to feel as her, and when I'm "Dan", the reverse.
When I heard of the native american "two spirit" concept, or variations of it in other cultures, for the first time, that concept seemed to ring true to me in ways the other two didn't. I guess VG is kinda the same thing but the 27th century take on it? :P (I like the voice changing necklade thing...)
Matt's very brave to come out so publicly, so suddenly. Or is it foolish rather than brave? Sometimes the two are hard to distincguish. Sometimes they're the same thing. Or maybe it wasn't brave, it was just something he had to do. Either way, I hope the fallout isn't too painful.
*big hugs from BOTH Dani and Dan*
Lisa "Dang, where'd I put that time capsule?" Danielle
Being VG or Varied Gender is murky and misunderstood.
It is not the clothes and is is a mental/emotional state but where you don't need to dress but it's part of many of them because it's often denied to them.
It's not the same as being a crossdresser or a "Queen" but they have traits where they feel bi-gendered almost only like feel two sets of perceptions at the same time both male and female but they express both in separate ways. A transperson is their mental gender all the time but being VG is when there are clear mental and emotional differences at different times. it's more like a gradual build up of the dual feelings but only one side usually gets to express who they are.
Alexis dresses because while she doesn't have to, she'd rather look the way she feel when she's out in the world. But she has walked around as Matt when she just didn't feel like Matt only she was in the closet.
They are a minority and a lot of people in the community and outside of it actually see it as a mental disorder.
Pick, choose, think one way, just pick a side and change.
Bailey Summers
high school is a constant
It may be high school in the future on another planet but its still high school. I fear that Matt/Alexis are going to have more than one nasty message. Let's just hope that it doesn't graduate from a verbal hate crime to a physical hate crime. :-(
On the plus side, at least Matt/Alexis has great taste in music! I mean that's something right? ;-)
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Yeah and they go to an highly funded private school.
Money breeds classes of people and lots and lots of elitism. Matt's part of the elite being a sports hero, dating one of the elite females in school...They won't like having Matt set everything on it's head.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I don't know about...
the need to air every bit of your life to the world, for most of those people its none of their business. but now they deal with it. Looks like her dad is really stepping up.
I still hope Matt/Alexis can settle things with Sunny better.
good chapter, thanks
Matt/Alexis just figured to drop the bomb and then face
everything later. It might not have been smart but he just wants to get it out and over with.
He might end up really needing Sunny even if as a friend in the times to come.
*Hugs and Howls.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I'm proud of his/her dad
He's being a great supporter, which Matt/Alexis is going to need, if the first message is any indication ....
Yeah the Dad really is trying even if he doesn't get it.
But trying's the important part:)
*Great Big Angel Hugs.*
Bailey...A Proud Supporter of Team Dorothy:)
Bailey Summers