The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1542 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“Jesus aitch Christ,” I swore at my computer. Are people naturally stupid or do they get training? I have some vacuous moron asking if reindeer are native to Scotland? Yeah, ten thousand years ago or more during the ice age, since when red deer are the dominant species north of the border.

I clicked on reply, glancing at the email addy it was to some vicar up in St Andrews. Oh well if he believes in god he must be a collect or two short of a prayer book. I thought that was quite good, collect or two. Amazing what crap stays in your head blocking space for more useful things.

Despite my irritation, I sent the Rev Eustace a polite response. I mean why is he writing to me? The biggest thing I’m suppose to deal with is coypu, and they’re introduced aliens which dig holes in banks in East Anglia. Like mink, they escaped from fur farms. If people want to wear fur, let them go and hunt for it. My mother had a fur coat–I bet it’s still in her wardrobe at home–I hated it. Actually I loved it, it was so sensual to touch and kept you as warm as toast–how do I know, I tried wearing it round the house. Then it dawned on me that little animals were bred to be killed for their coats–we couldn’t even eat them and it changed my feelings towards it forever. ‘It takes the skins of a hundred dumb animals to make a coat for one dumb human.’ Catchy innit?

What changed my mind was seeing a woman wearing a fox fur to church when I was about fourteen. It looked like a dead animal and I felt so sad and angry that one person’s arrogance could cost something its life.

It nearly cost me mine. I can remember saying to her, “Mrs Argyle,you have a dead animal round your neck. Was it hit by a steam roller ’cos it’s flat?”

She looked horrified at my nerve, unfortunately my father heard me and saw me smirk after the old battleaxe stormed off and I got a hiding when we got home, plus he made me wear my mother’s coat round the house for the rest of the day–boy did it get warm. Mum wasn’t too happy, the coat was one of her best wear and she didn’t like her grubby son wearing it, even though I’d been scrubbed and washed for church that morning.

It was nearly midnight when I heard the sound of a car in the drive, I dashed to the window and saw Julie park next to my car. She alighted from her Smart car and sauntered into the house.

“Where on earth have you been, I’ve been worried sick.”

She shrugged then espied the ironing hanging on the airer. “Geez, Mummy, you must have been worried, you’ve done the ironing.” It’s a well known fact in the house that when I’m worried I stop eating and do chores like ironing or washing floors.

“I told you where I was going.”

“The hospital visiting stops at nine.”

“Yeah, well it takes an hour in my car to get back here.”

“So what about the other two hours?”

“I’m nearly eighteen, Mummy, when are you going to treat me like a responsible adult?”

“When you act like one. Took two hours to say goodbye to Jenny did it?”

She blushed, “I did some healing on her.”

“I’d worked that out when you didn’t come home for me.”

“Well, I ’ad to know, didn’t I?”

“Know what?” I knew perfectly well what she meant.

“If I could, like do it myself.”

“And did you?”

“Yeah, course.”

“And–that didn’t take three hours?”

“Some old guy was passing and saw the blue light and he asked me to help his wife–she’d had a heart attack or something.”

“And?”

“Well I did, but she like arrested, is that the term?”

I nodded.

“They had people rushing from all directions.”

“A crash team.”

“No, there were no cars about, so nothing crashed.”

“They call the doctors and nurses who form the cardiac arrest team, the crash team.”

“I thought I felt a drain on the energy.”

“You felt a drain? I was doing this myself.”

“Sure–I mean of course you were–so how’s Jenny?”

“Getting stronger, she’s on an ordinary ward now.”

“That’s a good sign. Did you ask her if she wants to come back here?”

“Um,” she blushed and looked up at the ceiling, “Um not quite, she says she feels so embarrassed about what she did.”

“So she’s going to let that stop her coming home?”

“I’ll keep tryin’, Mummy.”

“What happened to the old woman?”

“I dunno,” she blushed again, which I interpreted as meaning she died.

“Are you going to her funeral?”

“No–what funeral?” she was absolutely scarlet.

“D’you want anything to eat or drink?”

“No thanks, I’m bushed–I’m going to bed.” She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. “Night, Mummy.”

“Good night, darling.”

I made some more tea–stupid I know–I’ll be running to the loo half the night, but at least I could relax and enjoy this cup.

I’d just boiled the kettle when Caroline appeared in her nightdress. “I thought you’d be in bed, Cathy.”

“Just having a cuppa before I go–kettle’s just boiled.”

“Oh great,” she made herself a cuppa.

We sat opposite each other at the kitchen table. “Feel any better?”

She looked up at me and had to process what I said before she could reply. “Yeah, sorry about that, just got so overwhelmed by everything.”

“It’s okay, it’s a stressful time for you, learning a new job, being a new person–it all takes it out of you.”

“You seem to cope. I wish I was more like you–I really do–you’re so beautiful to start with, and so cool under pressure.”

“I think you need to watch me a bit longer, I can be anything but beautiful and when I lose it, I lose it big time. It’s not a pretty sight.”

She gave me a look of disbelief.

“I’m human, Caroline, I’m a woman at the mercy of my emotions and hormones just like you. I’ve had a bit more experience of it that’s all.”

“But your relationship with Simon, it’s so lovely.”

“I like to think so, but we have our ups and downs–I don’t think I’ve tried to kill him recently–but other people have, so I don’t need to.”

“You sound like he’s Inspector Clouseau and you’re Cato.”

I chuckled at the concept of being compared to Peter Sellers’ bumbling detective and his manservant. “Yeah, except Simon gets the girl, Clouseau doesn’t.”

“He was married to Britt Ekland, I always wanted to be like her. She was a Bond girl, I’d love to be a Bond girl.”

“Caroline Cossey made it, perhaps you will.” I said giving her a challenge that I didn’t seriously think she was able to meet.

“Only if they need someone to play Rosa Klebb.”

“Does that count as a Bond girl?”

“Probably not, but it’s the best I could do unless you develop powers like Harry Potter.”

“You know I went to Hogwash not Hogwarts, same as you,” I said dead pan.

Caroline looked at me for a moment and then erupted with laughter nearly spilling her tea. “That is very good–you always did have a penchant for one liners, didn’t you?”

I looked at my watch, “Jeepers, it’s nearly one o’clock. I’d better get to bed.”

“See you in the morning,” Caroline called to me as she rinsed her cup.

“Yeah, night.”