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(aka Bike) Part 1489 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad
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On returning home, I contacted the estate agents involved, Cross & Cross. The unconscious message of a double-cross, had sort of permeated my addled brain, however, I made enquiries about the land. Apparently someone had made an offer pending some enquiries–obviously the planning permission to develop the site.
After getting the evening meal underway, I allowed the children to have an apple and a drink to keep them going, I quickly drafted my report, which suggested there were likely to be dormice in the woodland/hedgerow. I also pointed out that given the variety of species in the hedge, using Peterkin’s formula, I estimated the hedgerow to be at least two hundred years old.
I included photographs of several aspects and took some of the shells found in the woodland, using the macro facility on my best camera. Once I managed the shots I wanted, I included them in the draft documents and sent them off to Tom. I wondered if Gareth Sage was still at the county office of Natural England.
Tom arrived home two hours later. He was late, having apparently had an unexpected visit from Natural England. Gareth had moved on and they were introducing the new officer, Dr Helen Maddison. As soon as he said the name, I had vague memories of a Helen Maddison at Sussex, in the year above mine. She was into pond life, if I remembered correctly, and was effectively intending to do freshwater ecology. I assumed she’d end up doing fish stuff for Defra or one of the water companies.
“She did her bachelor’s degree at Sussex,” Tom confirmed my suspicions, “wondered if ye knew her?”
“There was a girl in the year ahead of me, I think.”
“She saw you do your charity gig at the university, so she’ll be pleased to meet you formally.”
“So she can remind everyone about the weirdo she knew in uni?”
“I dinna think she recognised ye, ye hae changed a wee bit in recent years.”
“I suppose I’ll have to meet her anyway to keep my licence–the dormouse and shrew one.”
“Aye, it micht be a guid idea–she’s meeting me for lunch tomorrow, why don’t ye come tae?”
Part of me wanted to just run away and part wanted to get it over. The latter won and I agreed to go to lunch. I also discussed with Simon and Tom the sale of the land I’d surveyed.
“They want to build half a dozen luxury homes in the middle of nowhere? What for?” Simon wasn’t impressed.
“So people like Jeremy Clarkson can buy them.” My dislike of the Top Gear presenter was well known.
“Now, now–the hoi-polloi have to have someone to try to emulate,” Simon’s opinion wasn’t quite as cynical as mine.
“I hope they don’t, he hates cyclists.”
“Is that why you loathe him?”
“Partly, it’s also because he’s a sexist bigot.”
“That’s just his laddishness coming out.”
“He’s a bit old for that.”
“Sae, are ye gonna put in a bid fa thae land?” Tom brought us back to the real matter in hand.
“I’m tempted to put in an offer.”
“Have you actually got that sort of money to throw about?” Simon asked, “and if you bought it after surveying it for Natural England, could it be construed as a conflict of interest?”
“I hadn’t even thought of that–I suppose it could–damn, that’s me scuppered.” I shrugged and stood up to clear the table.
“There are ways to get round such accusations,” Simon smiled at me.
“I’m listening, go on.”
“The bank might be able to offer a long term low interest loan to a suitable wildlife charity.”
“How likely is that?”
“Depends upon how much they want for the land–more than a million will need to go to the board.”
“A million? I was thinking more in thousands.”
“If that’s the case, I should think it’s pretty likely.”
“So it needs to be a charity I have no association with, does it?”
“No, just not you buying it.”
“So, the local wildlife trust?”
“Why don’t ye wait an’ speak wi’ Helen tomorrow?”
“Oh okay, she should know the major players, shouldn’t she?”
“Aye, except ye–oor very ain superstarrr.” Tom rolled his Rs on the word star, so it sounded like a small motor.
“What’s the state of play with Miss Alcott?” I asked Simon.
“It’s gone very quiet, so she’s either scheming or discovered no matter what she does, we’ll crap all over her and has given up.”
“I hope it’s the latter, you just don’t know where you are with that woman, she’s crazy.”
“Teachers are inclined to be like that,” smirked Simon at both Tom and me. We ignored it, treating it with the contempt it deserved.
“What’re you going to wear tomorrow?” asked Simon as we lay in bed.
“Dunno, I suppose smart casual as I’m meeting them at Tom’s favourite restaurant.”
“Why not wear one of your suits–you’ve got so many lovely clothes and all you wear are your jeans.”
“I don’t want to overdo it, do I?”
“Overdo it? You’re an aristocrat’s wife, for God’s sake–they’re all one stop beyond Dagenham.”
“Ha ha, woof woof,” I said and he squeezed my boob. “Ouch, that hurt,” I hissed twisting his....too much detail? We called it a draw and agreed a truce.
However, the next morning after I took the girls to school, I got Stella to trim my hair and she persuaded me to put it up, so I let her do it. I always feel I look ten years older with my hair up–so I tend not to do it very often. Thankfully it wasn’t too fancy, just scooped up and held there with a large clip.
I wore my YSL blouse and Chanel suit, with black court shoes, I kept the makeup and jewellery very simple otherwise it would look as if I should have been heading for lunch at Claridges or Ritz. I did use some No 5, so at least it was in keeping with the suit.
I’d bought a clutch bag a while ago and never used it. It was black leather and matched my shoes, so I used it for a change–filling it with my Blackberry, purse, keys, lipstick, mirror and comb, and some tissues.
Sitting in the car, in the restaurant car park I felt albatrosses soaring in my tummy and immediately set about beating myself up with anger at feeling this way. I hadn’t transitioned last week it was nearly four years ago. I had an established position and full legal status–I even had to send my tax return to bloody Cardiff and on paper because they kept us ‘weirdos’ separate from the general riff-raff. Apparently, MPs and some Royals were also accorded such security. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, but it only happened after they changed my birth certificate via the gender recognition people, before that, I paid my tax in the same way as everyone else.
I could see Tom’s Freelander parked in the corner, so he was already in there having his Guinness and waiting for his chicken curry. I assumed Helen was there too, because it was twelve twenty nine. Oh well, here goes. I climbed out of the Mondeo and locked it, then sauntered into the restaurant. Tom was sitting with someone, she was behind a post so I couldn’t see her very well, just long dark hair and she was wearing something beige and orange patterned–yuck.
Tom waved me over and taking a deep breath I walked deliberately to his table. He stood up and I kissed him on the cheek. “Helen, allow me to present my daughter, Lady Catherine Cameron.” He spoke without much accent, so that confused me for a moment–had I stepped through into a parallel universe–was the doorway a portal in more senses than I’d suspected?
“Cathy, this is Dr Helen Maddison, our new Natural England officer.”
I offered my hand and she accepted it, shaking it gently. “I’m really pleased to meet you, I had no idea you were Professor Agnew’s daughter.”
“Sort of adopted daughter, Daddy took me under his wing after my parents died a few years ago.”
“I see. You did that amazing lecture at Sussex a year or two back, with all the boobs and things from your documentary–apart from being entertaining it showed you had tremendous confidence and belief in yourself and your subject. I was very impressed by it and never thought I’d get to meet you in person.”
“Why not?”
“Well, an aristocrat’s wife, acclaimed film maker, nationally renowned mammal expert and dormouse specialist–and there was I advising Severn Trent Water on pond-life in their reservoirs.”
“I’m sure it was a very important job–reservoirs are key for waterfowl and amphibians not to mention their surrounding land for all sorts of wildlife.”
“Yeah, well seeing how well you'd done for yourself, I decided being a woman was no handicap and I finished my doctorate at Nottingham and managed to talk my way into a job with Natural England. So, see where your example can inspire women to follow?”
I wasn’t expecting this and my albatrosses began to mix it with king condors. Why couldn’t she just have said, ‘You’ve done okay for a tranny, haven’t you?’ Now, I could be setting myself up as something I’m not and if ever she finds out, she’ll kill me.
Why me?
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Comments
Thank you Angha,
ALISON
'another good beginning and I share your sentiments on Clarkson,what a neanderthal it is!
ALISON
See, it's this way...
See, it's this way - it's either Cathy or us... And, she's got all the assets (financial as well as other) that most of us don't have, so why not her? :-)
I do wonder where things will go. I'd love to find out that Helen recalls Charlie, and just doesn't care. What Cathy's accomplished should motivate anyone. :-) (Now, Cathy really SHOULD finish HER Doctorate...)
Thanks,
Anne
I find Clarkson & Co entertaining
I'm by no means a motoring buff (although I can usually tell if the bus or taxi are 'forked' because of a dodgy engine or something) but I find that Clarkson & Co can sometimes be entertaining. The fact that IMHO Clarkson is good looking is neither here nor there.
Pro footballers are usually neanderthals and act that way; Clarkson & Co are neanderthals but they don't seem afraid to send themselves up occasionally.
Another good episode, Ang. You keep writing; I'll keep reading.
S.
doubting
I don't know why Cathy is still doubting herself to be the complete female that she obviously is ,the other thing is Simom might try to be a little more gentle with her as well , life is supposed to be a two way street.
Hugs Roo
ROO
Dear Cathy doubts herself
Dear Cathy doubts herself because she has a trans medical history, and there are troglodytes that would take issue with that history. It's a common enough problem for those of us with such a past. Most of the time she seems to be beyond such feelings, but of late those feelings and insecurities have been playing a good bit in the chapters. There are some women, and men, with a trans medical history who have done their best to be stealth, going so far as to change all documents they possibly can and one or two extreme cases of photoshopping all their childhood photos to create family album laying about to give the impression of a normal childhood. Scary, isn't it?
CaroL
CaroL
Confidence Cathy! Have some confidence
in yourself and your accomplishments.
I fully understand ...
why tee-girls carry so much baggage. There's just so-oo much baggage to carry and it's difficult to drop it.
Cathy is working all the time to go stealth and I can understand that as she seeks to gain, or earn or win acceptance either through anonimity or sheer force of personality.
This is an internal issue that only Cathy can face for they are her personal demons. At least as a 'post op' who passes, Cathy has those choices. It's much, much harder for girls who find it hard or even impossible to pass.
However now Cathy feels she has come up against echoes of her previous life and she's either frightened, and/or angry that she finds she still has to face old demons she thought she had laid to rest. Facing these issues will draw again on old energies and old reserves of fortitude.
Her only way forward is to face those fears and rekindle those fires within her that burned so hot when she was so desperate to transition. Fortunately she now has support and allies in Simon and Tom not to mention the circle of true friends around her.
Is Cathy reading too much into Helen's responce to their meeting. That remains to be seen and it will, I'm sure, make for interesting reading.
Good chapter Angie, I'll be looking forward to see what the outcome of this meeting is.
OXOXOX
Bev
Agree fully
I hope one day she gets tired of this two steps forward and one step business her psyche goes through. She is being very unfair to herself and to those around her who has to suffer through her doubts also, as she is probably more beautiful than most genetic women so it must hurt her family even more so.
But like you said, it is soooo common. I for one can't imagine how hard it is for me if I were not passable. I went full time over twenty years ago and things were not nearly as good for us back then imho. Being passable just made sure I was able to avoid employers slamming the door in my face. I suspect strongly I would not have been hired for my first job after going full time if I had not passed well.
The number of us who cannot make their way, fully passable or not, is fewer now though thanks to the FFS and refinements in voice training and also more social understanding of being TS. Still, the day-to-day defensiveness has to be wearing if one is so unpassable even with all the modern support now available.
Kim
Yep...
Following on from my comment on a prior episode, there is no doubt in my mind that Cathy should be seeing a therapist weekly. Her self-doubts and lack of confidence are issues that would do her good to address. Talk therapy does help, if you have a sympathetic and competent therapist. At least here in the U.S., therapists seem a dime a dozen, so if one doesn't meet the bill, you can trade him or her in without much grief.
___________________
If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is at least part of my story.
Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1489
Why is Cathy scared?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Why is Cathy scared??
ALISON
'would someone else explain this,I don't trust my self to do so?
ALISON
Pond life
That could also be a euphemism for Jeremy Clarkson and his ilk - although his two co-presenters are more realistic. I nearly said 'down to earth', but then remembered that one has an affinity with potentially dangerous stunts (perhaps why they keep him confined to a London studio when presenting a certain game show!)...
Then talking of word play, not bad going for including references to three puns of a single word within two lines: a location, a state of mind, and a canine vocalisation :)
As for why Cathy's anxious, she's continually terrified that people will (a) find out she's not a genetic girl, (b) cause trouble because of it.
Actually, in reality, she's probably also terrified of the other extreme to (b) - putting her on a pedestal because of it. She just wants to get on with life, not be held up as a role model (either for womanhood or TGs) or example ("She's only pretending to be a woman!"). She's also probably on edge because of her interactions with Miss Alcott.
Although she did disclose her secret in a TV interview, I think that was for the regional BBC TV station, so may not have been broadcast by other BBC TV regions. Added onto which, not everybody in the region would have been watching that channel at that time / date. And although he history is known by the Biology departments at Portsmouth and Sussex, Helen had left Sussex for Nottingham by the time Cathy became a local celebrity.
Meanwhile, it would be interesting at some point to discover what Gareth's up to, and if there's any hope of rekindling his romance with Stella.
Oh, and thinking of amusing estate agent names, try and top this one from Kidderminster: Doolittle and Dalley. They've been in business over 100 years, so I guess they're not a case of nominative determinism :)
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Self-Doubt is never
good thing and no matter what others say to you, There is always that feeling of just not being quite good enough lurking beneath the surface, Maybe now is the time (as others have suggested) to have a talk with a professional, After all that Cathy has been through so far in her life, Surely the time is right for her to accept that she more than most is deserving of feeling a little self worth...
Kirri
EAFOAB - Cathy thinking too much?
Angharad,
There is a fascinating book called 'Women who think too much' about the risks of over analysing even the minutia of every social interaction. Perhaps Simon should get Cathy a copy?
Seriously, I often feel that you have drawn a very human and frail Cathy within a wonderfully tough shell. It is one of the real joys of this series that you have created such 'human' characters that we can identify with (although 'friends' would probably suggest my role model is Stella!)
Wonderful as always, thank you so much.
Persephone
Persephone
Non sum qualis eram
Ah Cathy,
Can't accept a compliment at all, can you. Insecurity is our worst enemy.