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(aka Bike) Part 1469 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad
All Rights Reserved. |
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After dinner I mused upon Stella’s attitude to the cross-dresser she’d mentioned. I began to wonder why she mentioned it to me, after all I hadn’t seen the person concerned, and if I had, what difference would it make? I wasn’t in competition with them or anyone else for that matter. If I had been, who would I have been in competition with? Probably more other women–yeah–other women because that’s how I see myself, as a woman. So that begs the question: why would I be competing with other women? The answer: for attention.
Next question; attention from whom? Answer that would depend upon the situation, but often the competition is to be noticed by men. I am, however, happily married to the nicest one I know, so I don’t need to attract attention there unless I want to wind him up and remind him that there are other men out there who fancy me or perhaps to make other men jealous of him.
Now, I live in the real world and have seven kids to look out for, so I’m not looking to compete with anyone, besides, I’m not that competitive, she lied. I like Si to stroke my ego–I love it when he tells me he thinks I’m beautiful. I don’t believe it, because there are loads more beautiful women out there and some are younger too. The only advantage I have over many, is that I have no tattoos. I think they’re beastly things, and mutilate the wearer–I don’t care if they’re full blown tramp stamps or more discreet little butterflies or rosebuds–I think they look common. Tattoos are for sailors and even there they look horrible. So Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox may be prettier than I, but I’m afraid I think they look like Popeye with their inky detractions.
Sermon over, I sorted out the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher–it was making some funny noises so we might well need to engineer to come and look at it. I mentioned it to Tom who suggested as it was seven or eight years old, it may need replacement. That was my thought as well, and as we use it more than him, considered I should pay for the new one.
I spoke to Simon in bed about this and he was quite brisk in telling me to buy what I wanted, “We’re hardly short of readies are we–so just get on and replace it.”
“Is that what you’ll do to me when I get to my sell by date?” I asked him, thinking again about competition–should I be more aware of the opposition out there, after all, he’d be quite a catch.
“Yeah, sure it is–I already went online and ordered your replacement–they’re just growing her now.”
“Growing her?” I sat up and stared at him.
“Yeah, a sort of bio-robot.”
“An android?”
“Is that what you call ’em?”
“In science fiction it is.”
“Yeah, well I’ve ordered one that shags like bunny, cooks like Delia Smith, presents like a super model, and does what she’s told.”
“A Stepford wife?”
“A what?”
“The sci-fi film, The Stepford Wives, Stepford was a place where all the women were totally compliant to their husbands and looked like they’d stepped out of a beauty parlour.”
“Sounds good to me.” He smirked and I felt like hitting him.
“If you like women like that, why did you marry me?” I pouted coming close to a full blown sulk.
“You were available.”
“Is that it? I was available?”
“Yeah, course.”
“You’re not just winding me up are you?”
“Now why would I do that?”
“Because it’s an inherited trait in a family of psychopaths.”
“Nah–I mean that might be true, but my conscience pricks me every so often, so I can’t be a psycho.”
“And it would prick you if you dumped me for a beautiful yes-woman?”
“Eventually, yeah.”
I was pretty sure he was messing with me, but just that tiny smidgeon of doubt–make that self-doubt–meant I wasn’t completely sure. It also explained why I burst into tears and fled to the bathroom.
“Oh shit, what have I done now?” I heard him say as I shut the door rather more noisily than I usually do.
I heard him tap lightly on the door, “I was joking, Cathy, c’mon, come back to bed.”
I sat on the loo sniffing and sobbing. Why did these things happen to me–I mean, why do I get upset by them–I thought he was probably joking, so why am I feeling this pain inside me as if he’d shoved a knife in me? Why do I need him to say he loves me and that he thinks I’m beautiful? Am I that insecure? Perhaps I am–oh boy.
“Please come out and back to bed–I love you, Cathy and I’m sorry I joked like that. I thought you’d appreciate I was pulling your leg. I married you because I love you–without you I’d be lost. I think you’re beautiful and very sexy–come on out and I’ll prove it to you.”
What–he thinks after taking the piss I’ll come out and let him maul me about so he can prove how much he loves me? Sod that for a game of soldiers. He can cwtch me but that’s about it.
I wiped my eyes had a quick wee and washed my hands, then came out of the bathroom. I said nothing but got into the bed and lay on my side facing away from him.
“Aw c’mon, babes, I said I was sorry.”
“Just hold me,” I said, and felt my eyes fill with tears again.
He lay beside me and put his arm round me, “I love you, babes, you know that.”
“Sometimes I wonder if you do.”
“I hope we’re not going down the road of you not being a real woman again, are we?”
“Is that what you think?” I sniffed–he must be if he mentioned it.
“No, and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told you that. You’re a woman, you’re beautiful, I married you and I love you–is that good enough for you? Why do we have to have this discussion about once every month–I don’t change my mind you know–leastways, not about you. You are the only constant in my life, which would be over without you and our children. Does that convince you?”
I didn’t know if it did that, but it certainly made me cry.
“How can I convince you?” he said after holding me sobbing for several minutes.
“I don’t know,” I sobbed back to him.
“I know it’s a sensitive point for you–but I do love you and I do consider you a woman, female, however you want to define it. You have a piece of paper–no–you have two bits which say you’re legally female and a whole family who agree with them.
“You have men leching after you on telly and I’ve seen it for real when you dress up. So why don’t you dress up tomorrow and I’ll take you out for dinner and we can make the whole world jealous.”
“No thanks.” I felt it was a consolation prize or peace offering to distract me. Yes, he knew I had a sensitive point about my biological sex, so why did he play on it? He knew I had little confidence when challenged by him or the others I love and trust and how much it hurts me–so why did he do it? If he loved me as much as he purports–why does he do it? And why do I let him? Why do I fall apart when he does it? I thought I was secure in myself–I have no illusions about myself–I know who I am and what I am–so why does it happen?
I know I can’t change the past, and although I live in stealth as a married woman, I still fear disclosure–why I don’t know. Everyone who’s important to me knows anyway.
I ran through some memories of facing down students and others who’d as good as accused me of being a man or a freak. I asserted myself challenged them to say exactly what they were thinking and each one of them backed down–saying they were mistaken or if I had been a man, which they doubted, I’d made the right choice in becoming a woman. I felt like I wanted to assert that challenge again–only to Simon. I turned over to face him and he rolled over onto his back and began to snore...
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Comments
Once a month? Oh my! Sounds
Once a month? Oh my! Sounds like a cycle in hormones. When do the periods start?
CaroL
CaroL
Interesting way of looking at it...
You kind of have to look through the male thought prism on this one though. Cathy does have these doubts every so often, and (as a generalization) when a man sees a woman in a mood, their first thought is likely to be that it's their time of the month.
Also, it's another way of Simon (maybe unintentionally, but still...) letting Cathy know that tonight's conversation was a wind-up, to try to get back on her good side.
That's just the other side of the coin though. You could be right with your guess.
Mars and Venus.
Mars and venus; just about sums it up.
Sleep tight Cathy Cameron the doubts will subside.
Good chapter.
OXOXOX.
Bev.
Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1469
Cathy and her monthly? Could the Glory be telling her how much of a woman she is in spirit?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
monthlys
Would'nt it be niece if the goddess did some internal rearranging with Cathys organs and made her complete .
hugs Roo
ROO
Just shakes head
Simon was not even baiting her about being trans. I remember one trans support meeting I went to and the woman mentioned that she lived mostly stealth while in the US state of Texas. Sadly she was born there too and she can never get her birth certificate changed there so she was now afraid of the RealID act and not being able to get real identification. Anyway, her story was that she did tell her husband early in their marriage and all he did was tell her to never talk about it again and they didn't. They did divorced many years later and not due to her being T. Oh she hosted a gardening spot on a TV show in some big market in Texas, I believe it was Houston without people knowing.
Point is, she let it go and he let it go and took what normality she could get. While Cathy still struggles, even if she really does not have to and cannot let go and anything short of giving birth will not satisfy her sensitive ego.
Kim
I sure wish Cathy could
get teh needed level of confidence in herself... and Simon has a talent for going to sleep at important times.
but in Simon's defence,
He does have a stressful job and works hard at it. He should be tired at the end of the day.
Oh dear...
Just another normal night in the household then - Simon unwittingly puts his foot in his mouth in the course of attempting to make a joke, Cathy takes his comments literally and falls apart. In reality, her insecurity is verging on paranoia as (a) she's phenotypically and legally virtually indistinguishable from any other female, (b) everyone she's met over the past few years has regarded her as female, (c) she's got an entire family (including seven of her own children, possibly one of Stella's, and up to five adults [three family, Jenny and possibly even Stephanie]) who regard her as a matriarch, plus (d) her history is already in the public domain, courtesy of a TV interview back in 180 (Jan 2008).
Perhaps she's still in need of occasional appointments with a psychologist (e.g. Dr. Ann Thomas)...
...and a chat or two with Marguerite to discuss the Shekinah Problem...
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Have to Agree With You Cathy About Tattoos
I used to have to visit prisons regularly, and assist the prison medical officer with examination of inmates. Nearly three quarters of Inmates had tatoos.
Interviewing people for a job as a Pharmaceutical representative for a Client Company, I rejected a candidate because he had a very visible tatoo on the back of his wrist. He asked why I had turned hom down and he flipped out when I told him having that tatoo labelled him as an untrustworthy individual with criminal tendencies. He called me prejudiced and I told him about my observations of prison inmates. I also pointed out that HE was the one looking for a job and I was the one deciding whether he got it or not. His way of overcoming my objections did not convince me he could sell anything !
Briar
Briar
But, I only wanted a small tattoo!
I have been wanting the brand that sirum girls have in "Warrior Of Batuk", by Aardvark. My roomates threatened to call the cops if I got a real brand, and then I found out that they are illegal where I live. :(
I haven't gotten the brand, because I'm afraid it might hurt too much, but I found out that it is legal in Washington.
So, I have been looking into a tattoo on my left hip that looks like an upended cursive M. I haven't told the roomates that act like 'rents toward me. Will that make me a bad person? Even a little? :)
Lady G
Pot calling the kettle...
Sorry to have to say it, but in my opinion you were being prejudiced, and unprofessional.
I can understand your disqualifying the candidate because his appearance did not suit your client's requirements. That is a valid disqualifier. Deciding that because one chooses to express themselves through body art they are criminal seems to me to be a dangerous position, especially for someone who associates with those dangerous, deviant transgender folks.
We take a dangerous path when we judge individuals based on 'common knowledge'.
This faulty logic illustrates the point:
Girls have red hair. John has red hair. Therefore, John is a girl.
That might make a good story line for TG fiction, but the conclusion is false.
My hope is that we would all be more open minded and accepting.
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
Tatted Portland
Here in PDX there are just lots and lots of people who have tattoos, lots of them, waaaayyy to many to my thinking. Most of them are in dark, unfashionable colors though. :( Now, if they had used some pink, yellow and light blue, well then, that would be a horse of a different color would it not?
Sadly, there is prejudice in the business world toward the tatted. There are several places here who use Laser to remove them. It is too bad that young people do not learn about cause and effect earlier.
Gwendolyn
When I counseled teens in residential program...
...we had groups to deal with decision making. That the young man had a tattoo wasn't the issue; that he had to overcome YOUR was. He had no chance because you had judged him before he even spoke a word, and no matter what he said, any argument that he had would have seemed just that; an argument. Even in an interview, everyone comes together with presuppositions and bias.
What you've provided here is an example of a false syllogism. *
Since 3/4 of all inmates have tattoos, those with tattoos should be regarded as untrustworthy.
You logic is inverse. As Sparrowchild points out, there are many characteristics that non-inmates and inmates share almost in entirety. A better statement would be, if nearly 3/4 of all tattoo bearers are inmates, then tattoo bearers should be regarded in a cautious manner. And keep in mind that tattoos are more accepted now in western culture than say even ten or twenty years ago.
* http://changingminds.org/techniques/general/art_of_being_rig...
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Lots of false dichotomies on both sides of the argument.
Your example; "Since 3/4 of all inmates have tattoos, those with tattoos should be regarded as untrustworthy." remains a false syllogism only because it is a straw man. What can accurately be said is that since 3/4 of all inmates have tattoos and few non inmates have tattoos then we can observe that the two groups have something in common. What that may be we do not know and will not find out in a brief interview. Since _my_ time is limited and costly to my employer his money is better spent on interviewing less suspect candidates. Not prejudice but pragmatism. This does not apply to skin colour, ethnicity, etc because they are not choices. Being inked is a choice. An ill thought out choice.
And it doesn't get better anywhere. Just for an example take Japan. If you are tattooed you won't be admitted to a public bathhouse. Prejudice, er, no, because if you are tattooed you either belong to a Yakuza branch or you WILL belong to a Yakuza branch. They will insist on it. Similar things occur in the US or used to. Don't get tattooed with certain items or icons or you WILL be a Hell's Angel bitch. They will insist on it. Both legal and illegal groups will not condone you wearing uniforms you are not entitled to wear.
But returning to sanity there are good reasons for having a dubious regard for the tattooed.
They have to be stupid.
1. Tattoos age very badly. Someone who wears a tattoo seems to have given little though to the future or that things in their life may change. A tattoo would be a no hire for me unless the job was in a tattoo parlour.
2. They are not done under sufficiently medical conditions. The chance of an irreversible disease is to high. Inks are not always hypoallergenic. Allergies to tattoo inks have been known to result in gangrene.
3. Nothing is achieved by a tattoo that can not be done more safely with transfers (decals to USians) or paint. So why tattoo at all?
Given the above I would take a great deal of convincing to hire a tattooed person for most positions. Even someone not visible who works in the storeroom or on the telephone is not going to get the job from me. Clear evidence of being a "dim bulb".
But some of the artwork is truly beautiful (although it will not stay that way) and some one who had beautiful body paints or decals I would see in a positive light. But a permanent tattoo? Nah, just seems to silly.
Tattoos
I am neither for, not against apathy...but tattoos?
Absolutely the best defense I have ever seen about tattoo's on one's body is the Trilogy by Stieg Larson ( The Girl --With a Dragon Tattoo, Who Played With Fire, and Who Kicked a Hornet's Nest ) The defense is near the end of the third book (The Girl Who Kicked A Hornet's Nest) when Lizbet is on trial in at attempt by her 'psycologist' (lower case appropriate, because he is as A%% from the start..) to get her recommitted to a pscychiatric ward, and Lizbet's attorney literally tears apart the argument he and his lawyer have been presentingd. Read it if you want, but the trial will make much more sense if you read the entire trilogy, starting with "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"
Tattoo's, whether only one, or a body covered with them, does NOT make a person any more apt to do anything wrong or right, than being blond, brunette, or redhead has to do with intelligence, or being male in sex, but female in gender makes one harmful to society.
I rest my case (now, where did I put that wooden Coca-Cola Bottle case that holds 24 bottles?)
Don't let someone else talk you out of your dreams. How can we have dreams come true, if we have no dreams?
Katrina Gayle "Stormy" Storm
All women
have insecure days. Today was one of Cathy's. Simon needs to understand that she isn't totally secure on the subject. If anything, he needs to go overboard a bit on how much he loves her.