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(aka Bike) Part 1400 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad
All Rights Reserved. |
 |
Special xiv Centennial edition, with free throwaway plot and characters.
New improved edition with the magic ingredient male cow poo.
Buy while stocks and pillory last. Special discount for bulk purchasers and callers with guns.
I’d barely got home from speaking with Sister Maria about my concerns for Billie when the phone rang.
“Charlie?” asked a male voice.
“Sorry, you must have the wrong number, there’s no Charlie here,” as I said this a cold shiver ran through me.
“Don’t hang up — sorry I can’t remember what you call yourself these days. Lady something isn’t it?”
“Who is this?” I wasn’t far from slamming the phone down.
“It’s your Uncle Arthur.”
“Yes?” I said while thinking, what does he want?
“Look, I know you and Doreen didn’t exactly hit it off...”
“You could say that as the understatement of the twenty first century.”
“Look, she’s seriously ill.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” actually I didn’t give a toss, but I tried not to upset him, he sounded as if he was having difficulties coping.
“Thank you. I don’t know quite how to phrase this, she’s asking to see you as her only neph–um–niece.”
“What’s the matter with her?”
“She has kidney disease–which has caused her kidneys to fail. She could die–I’m so worried, Char–sorry, I can’t remember your name.”
“Catherine.”
“Yes, of course, Catherine, could you come and see her before she dies?”
Just what I needed–not–a trip to Swindon.
“If I do, I’ll have to bring my baby with me and also Stella’s little one–I’m breast feeding both of them.” That should shut him up for a moment.
“I’m sorry, could you repeat that, it sounded like you said you were breast feeding a baby?”
“I am, but there’s two of them.”
“But you’re a bo–um–not equipped to do that–are you?”
“Yes I am.”
“Oh–the things they can do these days–your baby, did you say?”
“Yes, my baby.”
“Congratulations–we–um didn’t–um think, I mean know you were pregnant.”
“It’s not as if we’re a close family, Uncle Arthur.”
“No, I suppose not–could you come and see her?”
“Is that really a good idea, if I scared the life out of her last time we met, how’s seeing her going to help?”
“I don’t know–um–Catherine, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. Look can I call you back–I’ve just got in from the school run.”
“School run?”
“Yes, taking my girls to school.”
“How many children have you got?”
“Seven, I think at the last count–they won’t sit still, so counting is difficult.”
“Seven? Good lord–how doyou cope?”
“We manage.”
“Goodness–yes, I can see why you’ll have to call me back.”
“Exactly, I’ll need to speak with my hubby, see if he can come home early to help in my absence.”
“I see. Are you really Lady something or other, or is that just a wind up?”
“Well, I’m married to a man who’s called Lord Simon Cameron.”
“Yes, but that’s just one of those civil partner things isn’t it?”
“No, that’s not allowable between a man and a woman at the moment, so we settled for a normal wedding.” He must be reeling from all this, poor chap–but I’m enjoying it.
“Not allowed between a man and woman, but you’re...”
“A boy with boobs who’s breastfeeding her baby.”
“I’m sorry, this is difficult to take in.”
“But you met Simon a while back, remember you called when you were in Southsea.”
“Of course we did, and you were Catherine, yes–no, I don’t really remember.”
“I’ll call you back, Uncle Arthur.”
“I’m going to the hospital this afternoon.”
“I’ll call back very soon, promise.”
“Okay then, Char–I mean Catherine–this is all too much for me.”
“Yes, I can appreciate that. Take care, I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
“Who was that?” asked Stella as I staggered into the kitchen.
“My Uncle Arthur. You may remember they came by a while ago, they were at my Dad’s funeral.”
“Oh, what did he want?” she asked.
“My Auntie Doreen is very poorly with kidney failure.”
“Oh, you going to blue light her?”
“I don’t know–I hadn’t got that far. I think I need a cuppa and think.”
“Where does she live?”
“Swindon.”
“Oh, the land of roundabouts.”
“Yep, you can get dizzy simply by driving round the place.”
“You’d better express some for these two, if you’re going off for the day.”
“I thought that if you came with me, we could take the little suckers with us.”
“Dunno–you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Which part?”
“All of it.”
“Probably not, but it’s the best I can do.”
“What about the other kids?”
“Shit, I was supposed to call Stephanie about Billie–it’ll have to be tomorrow now.”
“What’s wrong with Billie?”
“She was talking with a very deep depression yesterday, sounded almost suicidal.”
“Oh, so which one is your priority? Billie or Auntie Do?”
“I’ll see if Simon can get home a bit early, he could help with Billie until we got back.”
“Simon? Does he know which one is Billie?”
“That was very catty, Stella, your brother is actually quite a good parent when he wants to be.”
“Want, being the operative word,” said Stella dismissing her brother.
“I’ll call him.” I did just that and he agreed to come home early to help Jenny.
When I told Jenny, she shrugged–“I expect we’ll manage.”
“Are you sure?” I felt very guilty.
“Yeah, Tom will be here too, so between us–besides, Danny is very good with Billie, and Julie will be home just after six.”
“Okay, I’ll call Uncle Arthur and say we’re on our way.” I returned his call and agreed we’d come up right away.
It wasn’t quite like that, we had to sort a whole pile of things for the babies, then sort out baby seats and so on. After this we had to sort the babies–feed and change them–we got off an hour later.
We made good progress and stopped between Salisbury and Marlborough for a snack before continuing onto Swindon. There we went to see Uncle Arthur and he was in a state.
I left Stella with the babies at my aunt and uncle’s house then took Uncle Arthur to the new hospital, The Great Western Hospital.
“Who’s this?” asked Auntie Doreen.
“Your–um–niece–um–Cha–I mean, Catherine,” spluttered my uncle.
“Do we have a niece?” she challenged him, “I thought it was a scrawny nephew, but then he always looked more like a girl than a boy. You’re not my nephew are you?”
“No, Auntie Doreen, I’m your niece.”
“Are you sure, girl?”
“She’s got a baby,” explained Uncle Arthur, making everything as clear as mud.
“Yes, but she could be the father,” accused Doreen.
“She’s come a long way, Do, an remember, she’s Lady Catherine.”
“Oh lord, I feel awful.” With that she closed her eyes and died–well she would have done if I hadn’t been there. Instead I took her hand, sent Uncle A for the nurse and spoke to my aunt.
“Look here, you can’t die just yet you silly old cow, so listen carefully–I know you can hear me. Look for the blue light, it’ll appear like a blue sun–follow it, and don’t disappoint me, because the alternative you will not like–I promise.”
I flooded her with blue light–how can I do that for people I don’t even like very much–the Hyacinth Bucket of the family–and poor Uncle A even looks a bit like the bloke who plays her husband.
The kidneys were quite badly damaged, the nephrons and glomerulus were in a bit of a state and I’d just about sorted them when the nurse arrived with Uncle Arthur.
“Hello, Mrs Porter–can you hear me?” she said loudly at the same time shaking her arm.
“Of course I can hear you, I’m not deaf, just resting my eyes.”
The nurse gave Uncle A a real glare before she walked stiffly away.
“We thought you’d gone, thank God you didn’t. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Do,” Uncle A was virtually in tears.
“You’d have to go and live with your favourite niece, wouldn’t you?” she threw back at him. Now I realised why I had to be there. I also knew she’d make a full recovery which she certainly shouldn’t have done, but no one twigged I’d been involved–except perhaps Auntie Do, who I swore to secrecy–threatening her with a total relapse which would take months of agony to kill her. It was pure male cow poo, but she didn’t know that.
I left my aunt and uncle at the hospital and drove back to Stella and the babies.
“The strangest thing has happened,” she said.
“Not Billie?”
“No, don’t be silly, Cathy, I mean about me–I started gushing full cream about twenty minutes ago. I’ve fed them both and I’m still dripping.”
I began to laugh, had Trish been doing anything I wondered or was it just her milk came through, or even did the blue light fix her while I was doing Auntie Do? I suppose we’ll never know–Stella doesn’t.
We had just loaded everything and two babies in the car when my mobile rang.
“Cathy?”
“What’s the problem, Jenny?”
“Did you take Billie to school this morning?”
“Of course, I even saw the headmistress about her, why?”
“She wasn’t there when I went to collect them and the others didn’t see her at lunch.”
A cold shiver ran up my spine and settled in the pit of my stomach. “We’re on our way, have you called the police?”
“Yes, nothing so far.”
I chucked my Blackberry into my bag and jumped into the car.
“What’s up?” asked Stella.
“Billie’s missing.”
“Oh no,” she gasped, “What are you going to do?”
“Get home asap,” I said slamming my foot to the floor leaving tyre marks behind us.
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Comments
Congratulations
ALISON
'on No. 1400! Billie is a worry but I am so glad that Hyacinth got mentioned in dispatches!
ALISON
"Our Sheridon..."
Aunty is the Bucket Woman but with far less real compassion than Hyacanth.
Cathy's Uncle loves her though, the poor sod. So the healing was more for him than her.
Hum, kidneys excreet, breats secreet.... I thing Cathy did it. Hope Stella is healed in other ways too.
Hope the stuff with Blllie is minor or even a misunderstanding.
Hum, 1400 pages, good start on 5000.
John in Wauwatosa
P.S. Are there ANY blood relatives of Cathy's that are decent folks? Living or ever?
John in Wauwatosa
Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1400
Healing that dodo bird and Stella only to have Billie go AWOL? SUPER CATHY and STELLA to the rescue!
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Cow Poo!!!
That's all I can say about those last few lines. I think I'll pretend I didn't read them... Yeah, that's the ticket! I didn't read them, so they're not there and I don't have to worry what you have planned for darling Billie (It's more than a cherry pie, I'm sure... And, I don't think Billie's a boy, but I couldn't resist the phrase. Yeah, I know I should have...)
Fascinating, that bit about A & D (Art & Do)... I suspect I'd get similar reactions from some of my aunts and uncles. (Though, one Uncle might be a bit more accepting than the rest, if he had his facilities. Alzheimer's is a a horrible thing!)
Congrats on the XIV Centennial Episode... Coming on this CCXXXVth anniversary of our Declaration of Independence (okay, revolt).
Thank you.
Anne
P.S. Dealing with some tough issues right now (in your stories) - Well worth thinking about in their own right. Thanks.
Enjoyed the centenial intro. Wow, 1400 episodes
Be good if the blue light could manifest on top of the car so the police leave Cathy alone (or help her)
Don't bother with the school unles guided there. Focus on where Billie is now!
One would hope that the school is careful about it's entrances and exits. Billie could be somewhere in the buildings.
And I guess the blue light healing is still there. Wonder if Cathy did blast Stella while working on her aunt. Guess we're unlikely to ever find out.
Bike 1400
Another milestone in this long-running and prolific series: congratulations A+B+I.
I've just updated the stats page at the Bike Archive (linked below my sig.)
Here's a question worth pondering: How long is the average novel?
For NaNoWriMo a novel is defined as 50,000 words.
I guess the average commercially produced novel is probably closer to 60,000 words.
Parts 1351–1400 of Bike came in at just over 67,000 words. And as things stand (look at the stats page), this is one of the shorter 50-episode blocks.
So, Angharad and her furry friends are producing a novel-length work every 50 episodes or so: every seven weeks and a day. And there are 28 novels (or so) since Bike's inception.
It's a fantastic effort, now more than 1.9 million words in length.
Thanks Angharad. Bike remains one of the highlights of my day. I'm sorry that other pressures have curtailed my commenting on a regular basis. It's also going to take me a few days to post the latest lot of 50 episodes in the archive, but rest assured, I'll be here tomorrow (and as long as you care to keep writing), enjoying your work and clicking the "Good Story" button.
Phenomenal Stamina
Bike Resources
Bike Resources
Bike 1400
My grateful thanks to PS, Holly and Ben for the archive and assorted bits; to Erin for her help in setting it up and for allowing me to fill up her servers.
1.9M words eh? Who'da thought it - oh well. If it brings extra readers in, I have no objection to someone notifying Wiki to get it on the list of long novels, although I'm not sure I'd have described it as a novel, except very loosely - it is fiction mostly.
Finally, thanks to all my readers, some of who complain every time it looks like it's going to stop. It's a great incentive to keep going though quite where the plot lines sometimes come from, I have no idea.
Angharad
Angharad
Complaints?
That you were thinking of stopping? Guilty, as you know. I work shifts, and that interferes with my attempts to write to a schedule. You, on the other hand....my thanks and admiration.
Too familiar
My own "boyhood", and what I tried to get out of it.....too close to home for me, but, hey, I will keep reading.
Yep.
I looked at the episode number, and even before I stated reading, I thought "ok, what tragedy is in today's episode?".
I was kind of surprised that it was the expected one with Billie's current issues.
Hopefully everything turns out alright, and Billie hasn't snuck off to try Trish's method of becoming a girl, or just run away.
Thanks for continuing the tale.
If it's not one thing, it's another!
First up - congrats on reaching 1,400. It's now less than a fortnight until Bike's fourth anniversary!
Meanwhile, the blue light heals Auntie Do (FWIW) and possibly kicks Stella's milk production into gear,,,
,,,but Billie going AWOL from school - ouch! I wonder what the school did to try and find Billie during the afternoon - I know state schools have both am and pm registration (usually immediately after lunch), so if independent schools do so as well, the school should have been aware of her absence from pm registration. Given the talk Cathy had with Sister Maria in the morning, that should have set alarm bells ringing
Let's hope she can be found before anything serious happens to her - but then again, considering Julie's attempted suicide at least once and has been kidnapped / tortured, and Trish once fell victim to a groinal knife attack, goodness knows what's in store for Billie...
Oh, and for the benefit of non-UK readers, if you're curious about Hyacinth Bucket (which the character insists is pronounced Bouquet), the show was called "Keeping Up Appearances" and can be found both on Wikipedia or TV Tropes.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Daily Pleasure
Well, nearly so. Angharad, thank you so much for 1400 episodes.
Hopefully Stella's spontaneous milkage will improve her disposition, and I hope things turn out well with Billie.
3 things occurring @ once...brings me back to mind a few
chapters back where Kathy was arguing with the blu-light goddess and the goddess commented there were going to be some lessons learned whether kathy liked em or not. i do hope billie will be ok tho w/o major consequences. And it's nice to see stella now can fend for her own...ie milk...
.
.
OH YEA congrats to getting 1400. That is a milestone no matter how one achieves it and what you've done amazes me every time I think of it. Keep it up as long as you feel the ability to. but, at this stage. it's for you as much as us. Thank you.
How do you
There is a series on TV at the moment "How do you" etc.
So how does Ang manage all this and her side stories.
Hope that Billie has been snaffled by the Headmistress after Catherine's fears.
Should Cathy have -
-gone to collect Billie first on being reminded of his depression or did she do the right thing by visiting Aunty Doreen?
We'll never know but now Cathy has got a full blown 'situation' on her hands.
Billie could be 'anywhere' but nobody knows that better than Cathy.
Good luck mum and use the blue light.
Still lovin' it,
XZXX.
Bev.
Growing old disgracefully.
You have to
hope that Billie has not done anything stupid , Because given she has been missing all day... Hope is pretty much all you have got... And if anything really bad has happened to her, Will Cathy ever forgive herself ?.
Congratulations Angharad on reaching episode 1400, Here's hoping for many more, Its still the same funny ,Sad , irreverent,totally addictive story it has always been ... Thank you so much for all your hard work :)
Kirri
Here we go again,
Attempt #2, I suspect Billie would be better off with her private bits removed.
Hopefully the Blue Light will help Cathy locate her way ward child. Last mention was the consequences though, so lets hope this is not the time for the goddess to be vindictive.
You really love doing this,
don't you? Another cliffhanger at a century mark?