I've not been talking about it here, but I've been very sick the last couple of days, and ended up taking today off work to try and recover.

Hopefully, this is just a tummy bug, and I'll be right as rain in no time ..

As I watched all the little tykes who came into my store today, I found myself thinking about a story my grandmother told me. She told me that when I was a baby, I was a very happy baby, giggling, cooing, and smiling at everybody - until someone tried to pick me up, and then I would do my best to claw their face off.

I couldn't figure out why I would act like that, but now realizing I was perhaps borderline autistic, that behavior would make sense - Autistic people often cant handle being touched.

Just published my entry in the Christmas contest!

I hope people like it!

As I kinda fell into the "poor me" trap, let's rectify that by me posting my gratitude list.

My job - it isn't glamorous, but it gives me enough to keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge.

My family - they all may not agree with my transition, but they all love me.

my church - it means so much to have them in my corner.

My friends, both off line and online. You guys are awesome.

Well, thanks to my own bad choices and laziness there is a good possibility that I will cheat myself out of four thousand dollars.

See, way back when I started with Walmart, I got a little bit of Walmart stock given to me by the company. When I stopped working for them I was supposed to get a payout - about 4 thousand dollars.

But due to a mix-up, they sent me a check - in the name of Dorothy.

Which isn't my legal name yet.

Which meant I couldn't cash the check

I think I managed to find a place beyond pain today.

My knee was really hurting, then suddenly, it stopped, and instead felt numb, like it had fallen asleep.

Then the muscles around my knee started sending out this message of pain, exhaustion, and finally, they went numb too.

Like I had so much pain, my nerves just ... shut down.

I am gonna assume that's probably not good ...

When I was a kid, I noticed that the insults directed at me, and any other male who wasn't popular tended to involve how feminine we were - "fag", "sissy" or even being called a girl.

I didn't understand it then, but I see it now. To those boys, being a girl was to be a lower form of life, and therefore the worst insult you could give a boy was to compare him to a girl.

I wonder how many of those boys ever stopped feeling like that, how many girlfriends and wives suffered because of that attitude, and how many taught that same feeling to their sons.

Remember how I said yesterday that something felt "off"

Well, what was off was me.

I had several panic/ptsd attacks in a row, and by my first break I was very close to calling it a day and going home.

But, I fought through it, kept using my grounding lessons, and got through the day.

I just wanted to say, to anyone who is struggling today because of it being the 15th anniversary of 9/11, please accept a huggle from me.

And take care of yourself today.

Well, I spent a good part of today in a spiritual struggle.

Hugs and prayers appreciated

Kinda an interesting moment yesterday.

I had been struggling all day, so I finally decided I needed to go out, and put on a pretty skirt and went to the new Star Trek film.

The film was great, the best since the reboot, but that wasn't the interesting moment.

I got called "grandma" today.

No, I'm not kidding.

A little boy waved at me and said, "Hi, grandma."

What do you guys think? Compliment? Or not?

I had a visit from someone from my cleaning company today, and a couple of good things are hopefully gonna come from it.

One is he promised me that he will see about getting my coverage for my meds going, and he's also promised me that they will get me an actual uniform.

So I am going to give this news a tentative yay ...

I have been trying my best to make this blog super positive lately, and it helps that some good stuff is going on, but as the point of this little exercise is to be honest, I do have to share some not-so-positive stuff.

Right now, my biggest worry is my health. Now my pain levels have been slowly increasing again after a period of leveling off, but that's not really what's new.

During a conversation I had with my mom this weekend, it occurred to me that she has her own kind of PTSD.

She was talking about some stuff that happened before she married my dad, and it was like she wasn't just remembering, but reliving the painful stuff.

I could suggest counseling, but she can be stupidly stubborn sometimes, and seeing someone is one of those areas.

Ah, well. I can give her lots of love, that will help a little, I'm sure.