I came home Saturday from my visit with Great Grams, and my mood was mixed. Grams had fallen earlier in the week and her memory wasn’t as good… She said, “I think your great-grandpa knows about your change and is comfortable with it… That was said, despite my great-grandfather having died before I was born… I painted Great Grams’ finger and toenails as we visited…

Mom saw I was shaken when I came home visited with me. Mom gave me a hug to console me. Mom said, “You need to understand she’s getting older and some days are rougher for her. It does sound like your visit helped her.”

It was Monday when Mom went with me for my appointment with Dr. Michele Watts. I dressed as Caryn, and everyone from the receptionist, her nurse, and Dr. Michele commented on my appearance. Dr. Michele, “So how are you doing and how were your holidays?”

She did a thorough exam, asking questions, and sharing observations along the way. She told me that the lab holding my harvested sperm was satisfied that I’d be able to father a child. “It would be good to harvest one last batch. But if you’re set on being Caryn we should start back with the testosterone blocker after. It is impressive that your breast tissue has developed some. That indicates to me that you and Sarai have stimulated your body’s responses.”

I confessed to her that I had gone on a group date on New Year’s Eve and that Dane and I had played racquetball together twice since. She said, “You’ve probably done yourself a favor by doing that. Racquetball requires more movement of your hips and waist than does just running. It also helps you to know there is more to life than just one other person. If I may ask, did your body have any new feelings as Caryn?”

“I can’t say they’re new and I haven’t done as much as I have with Sarai.”

Dr. Watts says, “Thanks for sharing, and please know this isn’t true confession. This is all confidential between us. It does help me in understanding why your body has been stimulated.” She asked me, “Are your breasts stimulated by showers?”

I said, “Yes, sometimes, but how would you know to ask something like that?”

She said, “It can happen especially if a woman is having romantic thoughts.” I could feel that I warmly blushed.

I gave the needed permission for my mother to meet with Dr. Watts and me. I had the last procedure to harvest some sperm. Then I received the first of a new set of shots to block testosterone production. Dr. Watts gave me a new prescription for female hormone therapy.

Sarai, Patti Duncan, and I are now ready to begin the indoor track season. Since it isn’t offered at our school, we travel twelve miles each way to practice and participate at Plainfield. There is the benefit of a large in-door track and a more diverse community.

I received some grief and problems from Mativa a black girl saying I was prejudice. I asked, “Why me, numerous people are also the prejudice of me?”

Mativa said, “You don’t have half as much grief coming your way as a black T-girl would. I have a friend Trevone who doesn’t even dare to practice with us. And I bet she doesn’t have the access to the medical care you do?”

I agreed if Trevone started to practice with the team we could team up in our training and running track meets. That meant I would have to practice running 100 and 200-meter races and the long jump as well as the 800 and 1600 meter races.

My official participation would be limited until the school athletic association decided upon my status. Among other issues, was if I was willing to commit to running and living as a transgender girl. That was an issue that I had not planned to address until the summer or later.

Since I hadn’t been committed to being transgender the minimal required time my participation wouldn’t count against most opponents.

Dr. Watts had actually welcomed Trevone as a patient. Trevone and I being friends suffered at first. I was not used to her in your face style. We both were less than happy to need another person to gain acceptance. (Readers: I would appreciate hearing from others if this speaks to them.) We started out respecting the other and only over time did our friendship strengthens.

My endurance helped me in the 200 hundred meter dash, but even then I was not real competition for Trevone or the first tier of female sprinters.

Another discussion all this brought forward was if and when I‘d change physically and live as a girl. It was around that discussion that my life that Dane and I parted company. He brought pressure upon me to change. Where Sarai knew it was a difficult decision for me. She encourages me to take the time and needed space to make my decision. We have since made out once. I now know what I’d miss.

Dr. Watts and my counselor did have me do a consult with a gender reassignment surgeon. Dr. Douglas seemingly a good professional with what mom calls good bedside manners. Things I’ve seen and my thoughts lean to have the surgery.

My studies as well as my running are going very well. Running an inside track makes running the outdoor track look even better. But during my last check-up with Dr. Watts, she asked whether my joints or bones were aching. When I answered in the affirmative, she suggested I cut back my stressing the bones until my body was further along in changing.

I complained that would likely set me back in my conditioning. She sat me down and we talked more fully about the life I was choosing. “When I clear you for cross-country next year you will need to work hard to get close to what Sarai was doing this past year. You won’t be running as well as you did last season.”

I became emphatic, “I already showed I could do it. What’s going to be able to stop me from doing it again?”

She said, “Your bones and muscles will both be changing. We told you this before, but like most athletes, you were sure you would prove us wrong. If you don’t back-off you’ll get debilitating shin-splints that will force you to. I don’t think you want to need therapy and to recondition yourself. If you’re serious about being a girl and an athlete, I suggest you join me at 6:00 a.m. a minimum of two times a week. You’ll work with me for ten weeks. It would be during my personal workout and not an official program. There won’t be any charge.”

“But that would take me well into the track season.”

Dr. Michele asked, “Am I correct in thinking you’ll be able to drive yourself? I do not want you forcing your sister or a parent up early to bring you and take you home.”

Sarai and I were now an item as school functions.

The class I had come to like most ‘Women’s Studies’ was now causing me trouble. Ms. Jacobi would get after me whenever I assumed I was thinking like a woman. “Ms. Caryn, how many times do we need to remind you that you’re coming with years of bias thinking. It is great that you are open to learning. However, I want Ms. Megan Devin to be your mentor over the next eight weeks of this semester.”

I said, “But she’s a genius, gifted in computer research, and our schedules are very different. Half the classes she has, are at a college. I think I’d do better with some other student. I could tell you, who would work out better.”

Ms. Jacobi said in response, “The others would allow you to stay in a smaller box where you’re comfortable. I already discussed this with Ms. Devin and she’s willing to invest the time you’ll need. It will be good for you to have a mentor who challenges how you think and process what you learn. I will allow you to opt-out of my idea. You would probably easily earn a C or B grade, but you won’t nearly grow as much.”

I first said, ‘I’d try it.’ But Ms. Jacobi balked until I agreed to commit myself to have Megan as my mentor. I agreed and we were soon isolated in the class. There were four other pairings that were soon agreed to.

Megan said to me, “I’m in the drama group and we’re both going to try out for the spring play, but we’re also going to be doing smaller dramas every other week as part of the rogue theatre players. It is theatre for and by mostly women. We challenge some generally accepted plays as women scriptwriters have rewritten the stories. I want you to read Margaret George’s novel “Mary, Called Magdalene’. I’m wanting you to consider Mary in contemporary times and what problems and obstacles would now be in her life… In the coming week, it would be good not to wear bras, but wear simple camisoles under a blouse or sweater. Would that be okay with you?”

She said, “I’d like you to come over to my house tomorrow. I’ll give you some tools and pointers in getting in touch with your inner you as well as thinking outside the box of people like Mary that you might have biased perceptions of. Please call me this evening to verify that will work. Remember it is your responsibility to work with me. I’ll inform Sarai that you’ll be working with me if that is okay. This is an assignment and nothing for her to get upset over.”

I’m already afraid I got in over my head. One of the reasons I like cross country and track is that I can visualize the course or track. I dislike what I cannot already conceptualize what I’m doing.

Tomorrow’s one of the days I will be working out with Dr. Watt at 6:00 a.m., I’ll have my general classes, and now I’m to be with Megan from 4:00 until 8:00 p.m. Mom has given me permission and Sarai giggled over the phone. Megan has talked to her.

“If Megan gets her way, you’ll be getting in touch with your vagina, and be upset with your prior sexist thinking. You’ll end up loving to be a woman even more.” Sarai tells me which pair of leggings I should wear to Megan’s.

She suggests I wear my vagina gaff with the legging and a short skirt. She’s amused that I’m not to be wearing bras for the next two weeks. I said it was to only be one week and she told me to take a day at a time. We would see each other in school and we’re looking forward to dating this weekend.

When I can, I enjoy running as a girl. And when I can’t I enjoy watching Sarai even more. But not running full force is for the birds. I’m pale in comparison to Sarai, but I would be able to place in a race if I were allowed to let myself go a little more. Dr. Watts had even come to a meet to watch me, check my pulse and blood pressure. I tried to impress her with what I could do. She was upset that it was what I wasn’t supposed to be doing.

That weekend Sarai and I were to go looking for prom dresses when Mrs. Duvall spoke up, saying, “I hope you’ll understand Caryn, but we’re insisting that Sarai have a traditional prom experience that she can look back upon. We’re sure you can find a date as well and that you’ll look beautiful. I’m sure you can appreciate what we’re saying.”

I am fighting back tears and my temper until I calmly getaway. “Mrs. Duvall, I’m a bit surprised, but I kind of sensed something was afoot. And to be honest, no I don’t appreciate what you’re saying. We might not be together forever, but I think what we have is beautiful and it would be a fine memory. I’ll honor it if this is what Sarai is going to go along with.”

“Well, I’m hurt that you feel that way,” Mr. Duvall added, “But it is the way it is going to be. We didn’t think you’d understand since you can’t see the larger picture that comes with years of experience. Sarai’s not fully happy either, but she’s accepted that it is the way it needs to be.”

I grabbed my sweater, and with my head down, I said goodbye to Sarai and left.

My arrival home was early and even before my mom sensed my mood, she knew something was wrong. I had broken into tears on my drive home. Now I was crying profusely in her arms. Much to Mom’s credit, she didn’t try to make me understand the Duvalls. “I am sorry for you, and if you want I’ll talk to them.”

“Mom, unless Sarai would be wanting it; it wouldn’t make a difference.”

When Katie came home later she became angry for me.

Sarai called to say she loved me and that both our hearts were aching. I told them I was hurt and angry and that I couldn’t be around her right now. The significance hit in the days ahead at school, and when we would have been dating.

Yes, I received an invitation to go to the prom but wasn’t willing to hear of it, at that time.

It was early April that I made a pivotal decision that I thought was months if not a year or more away.

Apr.2, Dear Journal,
I am writing this, hoping one day to return to these pages. I don’t ever plan to forget my time as Gary. I’m now sure I’m Caryn and I want to get on living my life. I’m declaring that I’m committed to being Caryn. It will about two months when Sarai goes to Auggie. We are talking but I have not decided for sure if I will follow her to her university.

I have decided to go to the prom with Jennifer Hanz. It is not the same as my feelings toward Sarai, but I do find I’m attracted to her…

To be continued…