The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1581 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“Just what did you say to Stella to cause such an epiphany?” I asked Simon who was lying in bed reading Cosmo.

“I just told her a few facts of life.”

“Such as...”

“Don’t piss Cathy off or you might find yourself homeless.”

“You didn’t say that–did you?”

“What d’you think?”

“I think if anyone at the bank sees you reading Cosmo, you’ll have even less credibility than before.”

“Don’t change the subject, what did you think I said to Stella?”

“I hope you told her that I needed her help or I’d be up a gum tree without a paddle.”

“Interesting metaphor.”

“Yeah, I suppose you think I’m too easy on them, don’t you, inexperienced in dealing with underlings–sort of green behind the ears.”

He started to snigger, “Are you mixing up these metaphors on purpose?”

“Have to get your attention somehow or another.” I took the magazine off him and realised that it had rather a lot of pictures of Megan Fox flashing a new tattoo in some skimpy swimming costume. “She couldn’t swim in that.”

“Why not?” he asked snatching back the magazine.

“Her boobs would fall out, to start with.” I glanced at Simon who had his eyes closed and was nodding.

“You should be ashamed of yourself,” I said, but he shook his head.

“I’m a red blooded, heterosexual man, I enjoy pictures of scantily clad women, especially pretty ones with nice bodies.”

“Fine–I don’t,” I grabbed the magazine and chucked it.

“Prude,” he said pouting.

“I’m not, but I don’t find it edifying lying here watching you heavy breathing over soft porn pictures.”

“Soft porn–that’s Cosmo, it’s read by women all over the world.”

“Most of whom are under fifteen.”

“What? How can fifteen year olds afford it?”

“How do I know? I used to read it in doctor’s waiting rooms.”

“When did you read it then?”

“When I was about twelve or thirteen.”

“You haven’t read it since?”

“I can’t say I’ve not read it at all since, but as you well know I don’t read women’s magazines. Most are just glorified advertising vehicles or full of articles or pictures of starlets or wannabes who have no relevance to my life.”

“Julie reads it.”

“Julie reads OK and Hello Magazine given the chance–hardly brain enlarging stuff is it, except for men of a certain age who are known to keep their brains in a small part of their anatomy–which can enlarge. Quite how it migrates from there to a space between their ears after they’re fifty is one of the unexplained miracles of human biology.”

“So you think my brain’s down there, do you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yes you did, you said men of a certain age.”

“I meant those between twelve and twenty-five who spend most of their time trying to make something longer by pulling it all the time, however, it’s quite elastic, and snaps back.”

“And quite how do you know so much about all this–you didn’t have a brother?”

“If you recall, I went to a boy’s grammar school. The topics of conversation were amongst the inmates usually limited to sexual matters and how they relieved their frustrations when the spotty little gits couldn’t get a girlfriend.”

“Oh, yeah I suppose they do tend to be subjects for discourse, don’t they?”

“My experience was limited because I was seen as the outsider and had to be careful not to be anywhere near the loos or I’d likely be beaten up.”

“Why?” He looked astonished.

“Lots of them thought because I looked girlish, that I was gay, and they’d either try to proposition me or attack me.”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought of it that way. How did you cope when you had to wear the girl’s uniform?”

“I hardly ate or drank anything during the day.”

“Was that wise?”

“Probably not, but I did lose some weight, not that I was overweight, consequently my waist got even slimmer. When I went back to trousers afterward, I had to buy girl’s ones, the boys ones wouldn’t stay up, my waist hip ratio was too far out of the range.”
,
“Didn’t anyone notice?”

“Possibly, they were as unisex as I could get, although some were a bit bum hugging. It’s funny, my hips were wider than a normal boy’s but my bum and breasts didn’t seem to grow much until I started hormones. Probably not a bad thing, or I’d have been right up a gum tree.”

“Without a paddle,” he added and snorted. “When are you going to replace Caroline?”

“I feel awful about doing it. Until I brought Jenny back for Christmas, she was doing alright. Since then she seems to have fallen for her big time.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that–they were here together and nothing seemed to be happening, so why now?” Simon pondered.

“I have an explanation for that; remember that before her accident, Jenny wasn’t that oversubscribed with boyfriends, and afterwards, I suspect she thought she’d never have anyone. I believe Caroline had the same sort of feelings, of being alone by dint of her transitioning. She wasn’t interested in men, but very few women are interested in MtF transsexuals, so it looked as if she’d also be alone. I’d picked up on this from both of them and sort of put them together.”

“Oh yes, you said something about matchmaking the other night.”

“My intention was to show them that two lonely people might still find love or affection, and I suppose I encouraged it when each of them mentioned they found the other attractive or attentive. I’m not sure Jenny actually likes the idea of being with a transsexual for several reasons.”

“But Caroline was available and gave her attention, right?” Simon found my suggestion feasible.

“Yes. I didn’t necessarily expect it to last and I still don’t, because Jenny will get tired of her or him if she can get her to revert.”

“So Caroline is rushing up a blind alley?”

“I think so, and by being funny with us, she’s queered her pitch in her main support group. Even Julie is annoyed with her, and Julie was her best friend here.”

“I thought you said she fancied Julie?”

“She did and was gutted when Julie showed up with another girl–I think that pushed her farther into this relationship than she would otherwise have gone.”

“Hoist by your own petard comes to mind.”

“I know, but how was I to know they’d click as quickly as they have? I just can’t see it lasting without Caroline becoming a doormat and reverting.”

“Let this be a lesson to you.”

“It is, I only wish I could do something to unwind it all.”

“Like get Jenny to walk again?”

“I don’t do miracles, her back and pelvis are so badly damaged I don’t believe they could be healed.”

“Have you tried recently?”

“Not since Christmas.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Because I don’t think it can work.”

“I thought you said the energy was autonomous, it chose who it worked on.”

“I did and I believe it is, and it doesn’t seem to be drawing me towards Jenny. That isn’t to say it wouldn’t help her, but it might not be appropriate at this time.”

“But surely if it was going to restore her, it would need to work sooner rather than later.”

“Yes, it might be that it will help her accept her fate rather than trying to change her physical state.”

“I hadn’t thought of that, is that why it hasn’t converted any of your tranny friends or relatives into real females–um–I mean biological females–um–you’re real enough.” He blushed so I let him live.

“I don’ know what happens there, but I suppose it doesn’t consider it to be a disease–which it isn’t, it’s a variation on the norm, with outcomes frequently dependent upon choices made by individuals. So I or any other neo-female, can’t have babies even with the blue energy.”

“Just in case it’s changed its mind, shouldn’t we keep practicing–making them that is?” Simon beamed at me.