Masks Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I stared at the wall of them.

And stared, and stared and stared.

There was something just so…I don’t know about them. The masks and the make-up kits for the girls that they got to wear every Halloween.

Not that I could.

Nope that would be girly and it’s be frooty yeah I spelled it the way that my brothers would have said it.

Brothers as in multiple Mark the eldest, Billy and Bobby the middle twins and me Steven. I’m the youngest and as Mark loves to state I’m the runt of the litter. I am the youngest and everything which has its good points as well as its bad points.

I’m transgendered.

Yep I’m self diagnosed thirteen years old and I should have been born a girl. But I wasn’t.

And that sucks on a level so absolutely mind blowing that I cannot actually describe it.

Unless you’re like me.

And if you’re like me you’re not one of the people saying as their reading this that thirteen’s too young to know something like this.
If you’re like me you likely knew long before thirteen.

I take a big sigh and still stare at all the stuff in this section of the store. None of its really expensive it’s just it’s all really just forbidden stuff.

While my dad’s not a complete jerk he’s one of those dad’s that’s actually pretty good but very much a DUDE. And I really don’t mean that in a bad way he’s just a really stripped down guy around us boys.

He’s supportive and he tries but his…”attaboys” hurt way more than he’ll ever know or the “Who’s my little guy.” Eye roll…. “Sport.”…bleech… “Champ.” Face palm….yeah and he’s not afraid to use words like pansy when referring to some of the kids on my hockey team.

Yes…I play hockey and I like it. I’m a right winger and I can skate really fast and I’m good enough with my stick handling that it more than makes up for my size. I like being good at something even though I’m really so not about changing in front of a bunch of guys. No they haven’t started teasing me because I’m skinny or not as uhm…set up as they are down there.

I score goals and I’m a good player…hence I’m a winner…and once you’re a winner they don’t suspect that you’re different.

Why would you want to be different? You’re a winner!

I could go on but I’d just break at some point and you’d find me down in the arts and craft section crying and gluing sparkles onto myself or something.

And yes hockey or not I really am that much of a girl.

And so just pretty much like every year I’m staring at the wall of Halloween stuff with a feeling that’s like…well it’s like shooting on a goal and hearing that chink of hitting the post.

Yay then it’s ow.

I’m looking at the pictures too on the packages and imagining myself as those girls and then I hear a cough and my dad’s there and he’s got a basket and he’s staring at the wall looking lost.

“Dad?”

“Hey sport.” I wince mentally…do I look like a border collie?

“So…why are you looking at the girls costume stuff?”

“It’s for your Aunt Elsbeth.”

“Your sister? I don’t get it?”

“She kinda fell on hard time’s kiddo with stuff like other people and she and her daughter are moving back here to town and they’re pretty broke so your mom thought it’s be good to get them some stuff so they would feel more at home.”

“Oh cool…get some more of the white and black dad.”

“Huh?”

“White’s for pale and the black does like all the creepy stuff.”

“Hey good idea. I just dress in the stuff your mom picks out but Els, Els was a gothy sort of chick back in the day. And she used to love this stuff.”

“Dad you love all of this stuff.”

He grins. It kind of makes it hurt more and less.

More because I’d love to dress up as a girl for once. Less because my dad’s actually really good with holidays. He was broke growing up and they never could do all the cool stuff the other kids did so now he makes a big deal out of them.

And we’re pretty well off so that’s good. Dad works in a boat building shop and these are the big yacht types so the crash never really hurt the shop. All the people that buy or own boats that need fixing are pretty well off anyways.

He actually passes me a shopping basket. “Go and fill your boots we’ll make this a cool Halloween and a homecoming for them okay.”

“Anything?”

“Anything Bud.” ….Bud…there’s another one that just is…ick but I let it go. I start getting stuff there’s this little spark of an idea that’s forming in the back of my head about me actually being me this year.

Well not really me but not Steven.

I just need to convince my parents to let me go out by myself this year.