The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1593 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

The following Monday, I set off for work after dropping the three girls at school. It seems the school was continuing to call in parents to collect children who were vomiting all over the place. I’d given my three little bottles of hand rub to be used after washing their hands–it contained an antiseptic which claimed to kill most things, but hopefully not the person using it.

My classes were as large as ever, in fact the Monday one seemed larger than usual and there were very few seats left–what was going on here? I asked Tim to try and do some sort of count at the same time I sent round a sheet for the students to sign. We had twenty more than we should have.

Now, if those who shouldn’t have been there were there to learn about conservation or ecology, I didn’t mind them coming to learn. If they were there in the hope they’d see a film of me trotting round in shorts, they would be disappointed, and it being January, I wasn’t going to wear them to lecture either. I had on a pair of jeans and a top which advertised the Mammal Society with a picture of a dormouse on it.

It appeared when I threw my notes into the air and they all cheered, I began to understand what the attraction was–they wanted some anarchy, or what they considered it to be. From then on, I had a set of notes I could throw in the air while having a second set which were laid out on the desk in front of me.

Once we’d got over the basics of what ecology is all about–understanding biological systems in the context of habitats, I could involve the students in participating in the lectures–we even did a quick study on the ecology of students, which they found amusing. We even decided that with the increase in tuition fees bringing some up to nine thousand pounds a year, students might potentially be registered with the WWFfN as endangered species.

The next day, I arrived on the bike as Simon took the girls to school, having a meeting in Portsmouth, however, I changed from my lycra to a pair of jeans and top. This resulted in groans of disappointment from some of the boys–I couldn’t see why, and that morning we did the ecology of cyclists in which I included a few pictures of Vickie Pendleton and Mark Cavendish as well as some taken of the public as they were out cycling. One or two even recognised yours truly in one or two of the pictures I showed. We were able to show that the spectrum varied significantly in terms of survivability depending upon habitat–town cyclists were more at risk from large lorries–apparently this applies more to women than men. The men were more likely to get squished while jumping red lights, so behaviour can have an effect upon the different groups. I had a large table of statistics from the CTC on cycling casualties, so we had some official data to support our speculations/observations.

At the bottom of the table I included a statistic which I’d made up claiming that dormice were unlikely to be at risk from cyclists and some wag asked if cyclists were endangered by dormice? I let someone from the floor answer it–they were less polite than I’d have been.

On the Wednesday, Tom came to see the phenomenon for himself. When I’d finished he addressed the class telling them that only those students who were registered with the course would be eligible to take part in the field work. There were groans at this, he did however agree to let them continue to attend my lectures.

He was well aware that once we progressed beyond the introductory stuff, only those who read the books and did the coursework would stay with the topics I was teaching, which would necessitate some mathematics and statistics. I was pretty convinced the numbers would drop then–he didn’t seem worried, which surprised me.

When I challenged him about it he smirked as he explained it showed his department was still well supported unlike chemistry which might even have to consider merging with another department. That worried me, as science becomes increasingly sophisticated and our understanding of its principles also expands we need people of all types and expertise to help us continue to understand the basic principles of what this world is all about.

I rode home and went to change to collect the children in the car when I heard funny noises emitting from Julie’s room. I went up to the next floor from my own bedroom to find her rolling about on the bed unable to remove the dilator which was causing her some pain. I called for Stella who after dripping loads of lubricant on it managed to extract it without prolapsing her vagina. It seemed she hadn’t used enough lubrication. Stella did an examination afterward and seemed to think everything was okay, but suggested Julie didn’t dilate for a couple of days. The way Julie was looking before Stella managed to free the entrapped plastic, I wondered if she’d ever dilate again–I’d have to speak with her in a day or so.

The next morning, I wasn’t actually teaching, rather trying to sort out groups for the fieldwork; I had three other leaders one of whom was a little unenthusiastic about doing it, and I knew if there was the slightest provocation I’d end up losing him. He was just looking for an excuse to pull out–he had a reputation for being a lazy sod, and a walk through woodland was probably too energetic for him.

The phone rang in my office. “Hi, is that Cathy?” asked a female voice.

“Yes, who’s that?”

“I’m Kate Downes from the marine biology section.”

The name rang a bell, but not in any context I could hastily recognise. Thankfully, she gave me a context.

“You met John when he was collecting Jo the other day, she’s in the same class as two of your daughters.”

“Ah yes, the man from the MOD.”

“QinetiQ actually, but yes he researches weapons.”

“I suppose someone has to,” I said without enthusiasm.

“Look, I’m being very cheeky and wondered if you could collect Jo with your three tomorrow, and I’ll collect her from you later? The thing is John has to have a wisdom tooth extracted and I suspect it will involve lots of drama, groans and bad language–I’d like to spare Jo that if I might.”

“Yes, fine, as long as you give her a note to show the headmistress, so it doesn’t look as if she’s being abducted. I can probably offer her some tea as well–is there anything she doesn’t eat?”

“We don’t eat much meat–but she will eat it.”

“Okay, that’s fine, I’m sure I can find something she’ll eat and hopefully enjoy.”

“She has a tiny appetite, I think a jelly fish eats more.”

“How much ecology do you do in the marine courses?”

“We integrate it, so it features as part of most of them, why?”

“I’m looking for another leader for fieldwork–I have one who doesn’t want to do it and I’d like to replace them.”

“I’ll come over and speak with you about this sometime next week if that’s okay, I presume you’re paying for the time?”

“Oh yeah, none of the professionals work for nothing, unless they’re doing something they enjoy–like me with dormouse surveys.”

“Of course, Lady Dormouse–I am curtseying although you can’t see me.”

“Please, I get enough teasing from my students.”

“I’ll bet–are your class sizes shrinking?”

“No mine seem to be expanding, don’t know why?”

“You’re a celebrity–enjoy it while it lasts.”

“I’ll be glad when it fades a little.” With that we ended the conversation and I got back to number juggling.