I was a teenage girl pop star.

Well, since you read this on this site you know the drill. Small nerdy boy with a soprano voice accidentally gets discovered. Gets “her” big break with a major hit. Performances and all that. In my case genetics aided and abetted the madness. My part-Thai ancestry made all the males in the family look feminine to the ordinary American.

Oh, I did the “Hannah Montana” thing as well. It was a bitch! Still, it was better than to be outed. You see, I never wanted to be anything else than a boy. Well, eventually a man but you know what I mean. The whole thing did cause some stress in the family. While my mother was all for my music career my father was decidedly against but finally went along. Bob, my older brother, did not even bother to hide his contempt of me. He was careful not to call me gay or sissy or anything like that. Both my parents would have come down like a ton of bricks on him in view of the problems our ex-uncle Arnold had had. Aunt Anne is really a nice person. Instead Bob in every way tried to diminish my accomplishments. He claimed if I could do it anyone could and things like that. F**k him! I worked damned hard for my success! Fortunately he went away to college soon after I started performing and recording. I have to admit that I was relieved when he refused to come back from college for holiday, excluding for two days at Christmas. I hated that. I really loved and admired him.

Yeah, my success. I was a pop star for one year. I started off well. I had two consecutive hits. Both of them in the in the extreme perky and happy vein. Then the songs became middling at best. I had ONE tour. A second one was never even considered. I was a bit sad I never got to perform the songs I myself wrote. “Not happy enough for my image”. My parents agreed that my career was over and I should revert full-time to the normal school-boy I really was. I was conflicted. I mean, I never wanted to be a girl. However, a girl performer was a completely different thing. I got a kick out of it and I was genuinely sorry to see it all end. Especially as I saw new artists rise. In particular I was fascinated by “Königin der Nacht” a very dark and moody female artist that suddenly hit the lists. She was my absolute opposite. I even wrote a song in her style. I called it “Pop Star’s Purgatory”. I really poured out my grief of losing my artistic career into it. It came out as something even “Königin der Nacht” would consider as TOO dark. THAT was a song I’d never perform in public. I played it once for my family when my brother was on one his rare visits. BAAAD mistake. He really trashed me.

So, there I was preparing myself for the new school year. It was the end of the summer and I was feeling a bit down. Not for the end of my artistic career. I had finally come to accept that and even felt some relief. No, the reason I felt down was that I had failed to get a ticket to the “Königin der Nacht” concert in my city that night. Then there was a telephone call from my agent. The opening act for “Königin der Nacht” had been delayed and couldn’t come. Could I perform instead, in two hours time? That was absolute madness! The lack of time and the non-compatibility of styles made it absurd. I accepted.

Once on stage I regretted my decision. Not only had “Königin der Nacht” refused to see me but I could feel the animosity from the crowd in an almost physical way. I did my best and had even chosen the less cheery of my songs. I did not connect. Of course I could not perform without singing my first big and VERY cheery hit so I ended with that, especially since this was my last performance ever. F**k them. I overflowed with happiness, happily jumping around on the stage. That’s when things got really weird. Suddenly the music changed to one of “Königin der Nacht’s” biggest hits and she got on stage singing in her usual dark way. How could they do that to me? Then “my” music was back and “Königin der Nacht” motioned to me to continue. After that it alternated between my cheery song and her very dark one. A kind of dialogue or even debate in a weird way. The audience went crazy. I was happy to just once more get that high a really excited audience gave me. I left the stage happy. I had gone out on a high.

For some reason I was not allowed into my dressing room to change back. Then I was called back to the stage at the end of the concert. I was completely knocked over when suddenly they started playing my “Pop Star’s Purgatory”. How the hell had they got hold of that? How dared they? I never had given them permission. Despite, or perhaps because, I was so angry, I started to sing with all the emotion I had had when I wrote it. The astounded audience reacted well. To be honest more than well. Then there was the same thing again. The music changed and “Königin der Nacht” started singing. It was definitely a “Königin der Nacht” song but a bright and happy one contrasting my coal-mine dark song. Back and forth it went. If the crowd had gone crazy before they now went nuts, bananas, out of their mind. Thankfully the security line held, even if sorely pressed. “Königin der Nacht” and I ended our performance and she had some closing words. Amazingly the crowd calmed down and she told them that “Pop Star’s Purgatory” was all mine and that there is light and darkness in all of us. Then we left the stage and the madness out there resumed, times ten.

“Königin der Nacht” turned around and said to me:

“I told you little sis. If you can do it anyone can.”

Looking closer at her I realized that “Königin der Nacht” was my brother Bob. Then he continued:

“I think I made a mistake. I had planned to get out of this mad business at the same time as you. I never could understand how you could stand it. Nobody knew but I had intended this to be my last concert. Now? There is no chance in hell either of us will be allowed to quit.”

Listening to the unhinged crowd outside I realized that Bob was right. We had become prisoners to our success. Despite what I had once felt about ending my career I felt darkness invade me. Then I realized that I was bound to work with my brother who I loved and had hated to see alienated from me. Brightness!