Sweet Dreams-46...Tears of My Childhood
Chapter 46
I wake up with the dead arm feeling and a smile. I can’t help the smile even with everything that Alex and I talked about and stuff. I’m happy and it’s hard to mess with that but I’m going to.
I slip out of bed and I go and I make a coffee and it’s pretty early but I’m up for a reason. I make a strong pot of coffee and I hold my mug under the perk until it’s full them slip the pot in. Lots of sugar and some creamer and I wait sitting on the steps in the garage just outside my door waiting for.
Adam….
He’s in boxers and that’s about it and he’s got his own coffee and his smokes and he heads outside and he goes and gets the newspaper. Adam’s a creature of control and habits. Have a smoke and a coffee and read some of the paper before he get’s ready for the office or heads off to the golf course.
I cough on purpose.
He looks up and I take a two fisted sip of my coffee and look down at him.
“Morning Hunter…? You’re up early?”
“Couldn’t sleep, we need to really talk.”
“Why is that never something a man want’s to hear from a woman?”
“You’ll fucking hate this.” I’m not going to lie; I’m not beating around the bush either.
He has a big frown on his face now.
“What did you do…?”
“I…” He holds up his hand. “Wait let’s go outside.”
“Okay…”
He heads outside and he gets the paper and I’m following him and he heads out back of the house. Oh…oh shit…nerves are jumping now. No I don’t think he’d get violent with me but out back’s fenced off and it’s a lot less likely to cause a scene.
I take another double fisted drink of my coffee to fight the nervous dry mouth. Adam leads us to the patio furniture and even pulls out my chair for me there.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
He gets an ashtray and sets the paper aside and takes a sip of his coffee and lights a smoke.
“So…” he stares at me and gives me that lawyer cross examination stare.
“I’ve been talking to your mother in law.”
“Moira?”
“Uhm no, the other one.”
“………………………..”
Oh fuck.
He takes another drag and a sip of his coffee before he exhales but when he does he does that guy mad lean forward in the chair and stare while resting his arm on the patio table.
“Why?”
“My family, my dad.”
He purses his lips…a fine white pressure line forms. I want to fucking cry right now. I bear down on the emotions getting to a boil inside and shove them down for now. I’ve done it all my life and I can loose my shit later right? Like at the bus shelter when he kicks me out.
“What about him.”
“Going to see him…it got me thinking about families, and that Alex is missing out maybe, that maybe this is something that needs to be fixed?”
“Maybe it was never your fucking business Hunter.” Yeah…yeah he’s pissed.
“No…maybe it’s not but maybe it is because I love your son. I love him Adam and even after all the shit that I’ve been through and I could still actually fall in love with someone…it makes me want to do this Adam.”
“You have any idea, any fucking idea what they tried to do?”
“Yes actually, all of it. What she didn’t tell me was available by looking at the public court records.”
“And you expect me to go and make peace with these people after they tried to take Alex from me? After the dug and dug and picked and picked and made my life a living hell?”
“No…honestly I don’t expect you to. I wouldn’t.”
Okay he looks like that wasn’t what he was expecting from my argument. He actually leans back and he drinks some more coffee and takes a drag from his smoke. I can’t stand it anymore and gesture at the pack. He stares mouth pursed but nods. I take a smoke and his lighter and spark up.
I know, I know same me the lectures…quitting smoking’s hard and right now I can only be strong in so many ways.
“Better?”
“No…I had quit remember?”
“Sorry.” Yeah he sounds like it.
“Yeah well Alex will be pissed.”
“Does he know?”
“Yeah I told him.”
“And…”
“He wasn’t really good with it at first.”
Adam looks not pleased by it but maybe a bit vindicated? “At first?”
“I talked him around.”
“Hunter…”
“Adam….”
“Why, why even put him or us through this? Okay you love my son fine but there’s a limit to what’s your business.”
“Alex is my business.”
“But this isn’t.”
I look at Adam. He’s mad, he’s good and mad and if he wasn’t the way that he is he’d likely have freaked out on me by now but he’s calm for being angry…when Adam’s mad it’s not like a fire like most people no…he’s way to much like the hot sharp knife that’s been left in the fire. He doesn’t burn and rage he glows.
“This is my business Adam. They did a really shitty thing but you know what it’s allowed, it’s allowed because you really got to give them at least a little slack on this after nearly fourteen years. They lost their daughter and they were afraid of losing Alex and they really hated you and where your marriage went. Of course most people would flip out and do something stupid and they did.”
“Which is why they aren’t part of our lives.”
“But they should be. Time changes people, heals things or at least make people see that they were dumbshits before. Alex is going off to school, they might not have that many years left Adam and if he doesn’t get to spend time with them and get to know them then he’s not just missing out on family but he won’t ever get that time back that he could have had.”
“So you’re going to do this no matter how I feel about it.” He says it like it’s something I planned. Like to hurt him or something.
“Adam, Alex’s is almost eighteen. He’s going to be doing stuff that he wants to do no matter what any of us say about it. I’m not here to wreck things but he has a right to see them and make his own decision about this.”
He works his jaw and we both are drinking coffee and smoking and looking at each other.
“You said he wasn’t enthused about it?”
“No, he’s not. He still wants to talk to them even after what they pulled.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re his grandparents, his mom’s parents and he might just need to know more about her.”
“He knows about her, he lived it.”
I look at him and scowl. “You’re better than that.”
He just stares at me. I stare right back at him. “You are, you’re damned well better than that Adam you know that he’s had questions. He lived through his mom taking a fucking depressive spiral and taking herself out and nearly him with her.”
“Exactly my point he knows all of this.”
“And my point is Amanda was always this way was she? She was a person before she fell apart for whatever reason and he had the right to know that version of his mother just as much as he has been only allowed the memories that STILL have him waking up after having a flashback or a nightmare.”
“Just like you and your mother Hunter?”
“Yes! I’ve see my mother at her worst but I can actually remember her from when I was little before the heavy drugs and before Cliff. I don’t remember much but I do have that much. Alex deserves more.”
“He does, and he doesn’t need this Hunter.”
…………………………………… “Actually Dad I do.”
I look up and he’s there looking at both of us and he’s well…he’s Alex so the serious look’s built in.
“Alex….”
“Dad…no…I need to know her, and I need to know things about her. About that side of the family.”
“But why, they might just hurt you all over again. I don’t trust them.”
“Dad…I need to know if what happened to mom might happen to me.”
“You’re not on drugs Alex.” Oh…oh he just shot me this look.
“Fuck you Adam, you know me better than that.” I tell him.
He glares and Alex sits and grabs his dad’s shoulder to get his attention. “Dad! Mom was depressed…or something else. Honestly I think that’s what led to her using. She was self medicating.”
They’re looking at each other.
“Dad…I don’t what to lose it and go off the deep end like her and do something to hurt you or April and especially Hunter….I need to do this.”
Adam looks at him and then me and then Alex again. He closes his eyes and pinches at the bridge of his nose.
“Fine…but I’m not going with you to deal with them.”
“Fair enough Dad, I can deal.”
“Yeah…” He gets up and looks at me. Squares his jaw as he butts out his smoke.
“Dad…she came and told you…she came and told you first flat out with no bullshit.”
Adam looks at me again but the expression is less pissed and more thoughtful, still pissed but not like it was.
“Alright, I’m going to take a shower and will be ready to go about nine okay?”
I blink surprised. “You’re still coming with me to Dad’s grave?”
“Well you don’t exactly know how to get there right?” He leaves heading off into the house before we can answer.
I sit back almost sliding down in the chair in relief. “Wow…shit…”
Alex nods. “Yeah, deep shit he was getting on his high horse there.” He leans over as he gets up and kisses me then makes a face.
“Bleech…ashtray mouth.”
I blush. “Sorry it’s just…”
“Yeah, well we’ll just have to get you some of the nicorette stuff. No more cold turkey.”
“Okay…” I smile at him.
“I’m going for a jog before we have to get ready to go okay?”
“You go right ahead, have fun.”
He rolls his eyes and he heads off already running by the time he slips around front and I just sit there for awhile trying to get a handle on my emotions and the shakes.
I almost lost everything….maybe.
I hug myself and just stare for awhile at my cold coffee until I feel warm arms wrap around me in a hug. I look up and see April who’s smiling at me and she wipes tears off my cheeks that I hadn’t noticed crying.
“Proud of you kiddo.”
I have never really heard that said to me, not in a real way and not often and after everything I just sob and bury my face in her stomach and start to cry.
And the fact she’s running her hands through my hair and doing that whole mom cooing thing saying that. “It’s okay, it’s okay you did the right thing sweetie, I’m so proud of you.”
It makes me cry more and cry hard too but it’s really not bad tears it’s just…when you’ve never had it it’s a shock really.
She takes me upstairs to our place once I stop and she helps me get ready. I don’t really need the help but I need the help and it sure does mean a lot to me just having April there.
I get changed into a dress, I don’t know why but it just seems like maybe the best way to show dad who I really am? It’s just a grey blue scoop necked number with full sleeves sort of one of those ones that reminds you of a tee-shirt sort of and I go without the make up because my eyes are seriously red right now as it is and they’ll likely get more so.
Alex is back and ready and even waiting for me and we get into his car and we end up following Adam to sort of close to my old, old part of town and into an old cemetery. It sort of looks nice here, there’s a lot of old trees here and stuff but lots and lots of graves.
Graveyards in this part of town are usually pretty full.
We stop and I take a few deep breaths and get out of the car while Alex get’s the flowers that we got out and we start to head?
Adam comes over to me to lead the way and I was not, was not expecting it when he slips his arm around my shoulder in a hug.
“Here Hunter this way….”
I sob at the hug.
Dammit part of me was so fucking scared that he hated me for this morning.
He leads me past a whole bunch of spots to this sad little rectangular marker…one of the ones that the city uses when they know who you are and there’s no one to bury you.
I just stare down at his name…my old name and I stare at it until I can’t see it anymore for the tears that just won’t stop. I’m ugly cry wiping at the tears with my fingers and the back of my hands until I can see again and I put my hand on the cold stone that seems warmer than it should be y’know because of the sun being on it…
“Hi Daddy…I…I really, really miss you….”
Comments
Ruled by fear...
“Dad…no…I need to know her, and I need to know things about her. About that side of the family.â€
“But why, they might just hurt you all over again. I don’t trust them.â€
“Dad…I need to know if what happened to mom might happen to me.â€
Not only does he need to hear it from her side of the family; he needs desperately to know what it was like for his family...his parents...before she spiraled down, as it says. How they met. What brought them together. How they fell in love. How his father feels about the loss of his wife once he can get past the only emotion he seems able to express; anger. The sadness and disappointment and utter despair of watching someone he loved die slowly inside and how much dread he had over how his child would be affected...is still affected. Great story as always. Thank you!
Love, Andrea Lena
Yes 'Drea Alex sure does need to know that stuff.
There's always that other side of the story and Hunter sees that. She can't get the other side of things with her family so she feels the lack pretty strongly. And Adam needs to lance that poison because it'll just get worse.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
need to know
definitely need to know. one of my nieces is bipolar, her mom was and sometimes still is emotional unstable, her mom had 4 girls by 4 different men, and at least 3 of them are a little nuts and she died young. if you know what the possibilities are you can at least watch for it and get the right help.
tough chapter, well done, thanks
Bi-polar...remember the scene with Alex and the bus doors.
Alex does...and so does Hunter...he bottles stuff up and he's broody a lot when he's not happy and romantic so...
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey Summers
“Hi Daddy…I…I really, really miss you….â€
sniffle. no fair, making me cry first thing in the morning ..
Yeah, I couldn't help that Dorothy.
By the time I wrote the stuff out and all that had happened I was so into the flow that Hunter seeing that small lonely marker there was just so...
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey A Proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
This one hit home Bailey
Dealing with depression and anxiety is tough enough, but my parents grew up in a time when you had to "suck it up, stay strong" British background, stiff upper lip and all that. Looking back, i'm nearly positive that my mother suffered from chronic, cyclic depression... same as or very similar to what i deal with. My Father has also had his battles with depression in the last two decades. Knowing your family history is key to dealing with any form of mental illness. Thanks for helping Adam and Alex find out more about Alex's mom...
Moon
Depression
I think it hit home with a lot of us, Diana. I'm pretty sure I inherited my depression bouts from my mother too, although I didn't figure that out until after my own diagnosis and my learning about the symptoms of depression and recognizing many of them in my mother as well. As kids, my siblings and I had no idea why our normally smart, funny, caring mother sometimes got withdrawn, or suddenly angry (hysterical, even) all out of proportion to the cause, and other symptoms. We just knew, some days you just stay out of her way.
So yeah, Alex has a definite point in wanting to know more about his mother and her life and problems.
I liked the scene with April too. She's become Hunter's much-needed mother-figure. They'd probably look like a strange pair to people seeing them together, but it's obvious they're forming a strong mother-daughter bond.
Always nice to see another chapter of this, Bailey. *hugs*
Lees
Depression and other Headf--k issues....
Are something way too many people have been told to just... "Suck it up." Well that doesn't work and it makes things worse and for so many of us here it's also part and parcel with the whole identity issues.
Not feeling normal, never feeling normal or balanced is hell. And this is a very real part of all of us.
I'm really glad this stuff's coming up/out in the story too.
Thanks You two for just absolutely getting it.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Love You Girls.
Bailey Summers
Painful scary happy teary chapter
I guess you probably owe me a manicure from where I was digging my nails into the chairs armrest as Hunter and Adam spoke! I loved the way you ratcheted up the tension through the dialogue and the occasional observation from Hunter's internal monologue. The changes in Hunter since the first chapter were quite evident in her fears as well. Life can knock Hunter around physically and even emotionally in the most indescribably horrid ways in most areas and she can cope as she's hardened to it but the thought of losing her new found happiness with Alex terrifies her. Really well done Bailey.
And then at the grave site the tears flowed. Another wonderful end line.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Thanks Jemima:) That's such an amazing compliment.
To have that kind of response without the whole sea of your pants action thing but really intense drama was what I was really trying to go for here. My teary moment happened for me when Adam gave her the hug when they got out of the car.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Heavy stuff followed by more
Heavy stuff followed by more heavy stuff, brought tears to my eyes. Sniffle.
Big hugs
Lizzie :)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
Thanks Lizzie:)
I'm really glad it turned out so good and worth the wait.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...The Godfather;)
Bailey Summers
Aahhh. That was good.
A great update on my fave Bailey series. Alex and Hunter really belong together. And Adam and the rest have come around too. Whaddaya know - this really looks like a somewhat functional family now! XOXO THANKS Ms. Summers! **Sigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
Thank You Sigh...:)
I'm so happy that it was worth the wait. Took me a bit to get the gears going after Wren and all.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Ok, I cried through the
Ok, I cried through the entire chapter again..I just love this story. This is my most favorite story ever..
Thank You
Laurie
Seriously Thank You Laurie:)
I'm so Glad that this chapter has been hitting everyone in the right places. There's a lot to connect with for people I guess.
Bailey Summers
Kleenex please!!
Ok I need to comment!! A few months back I went to see my Dad's grave!!
He died when I was 12. I cried as well!! This brought back those
memories and more!!My Daddy didn't get to meet Pamela in person.
But he has been following my progress and telling I am doing the
right thing!! Don't ask how I know I just do!! I am so proud of
Hunter, she is such a strong person!! And brave!!! She will make it!!
Thanks Bailey for making me feel it!!
Hugs,
Pamela
It's something that I too feel pretty hard about Pam.
I lost my own too though a little later in my life but it was right in that place where I was just starting to appreciate him as so much more than just being there and then he was gone.
*Great Big Huge Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Misunderstood anger
Adam got angry when Hunter told him what she did. But, he wasn't angry because of what she did but because she's forcing him to face his own demons, and he doesn't want too.
No one makes him do what he doesn't want to do because he got a snot full of that growing up. And he vowed no one would ever tell him to do what he didn't want to do.
And then along comes this waif into their lives and she confronts them to face their demons as she's had to face hers, knowing the harm caused by keeping it all bottled.
Why does Adam continue to act lovingly towards Hunter? Because she's showing him a love he's never been shown. She says things to him, tells him things which cause him to get angry. But all she says is the truth, unwanted, but the truth and that is something Adam is not used to.
Adam knows Hunter is right, even if he won't admit it. He can't help but see how the truth has helped Hunter and Alex. But he's having a hard time letting go of the vow he made when he left home, and until he does his demons will still control his life.
Others have feelings too.
I so get this chapter.
A lot of my family is gone, but I still feel the connection.