Sweet Dreams-13...Help Pinch Me!

Chapter 13

I wake up, I instantly wake up.

I had gone to bed with Alex and we’d ended up snuggling together and even spooning. It was so nice being held. Way better than I thought it’d ever be to be held. I’ve been sort of scared of that but this, this was nice and he’s a whole lot of very, very cool things. Big and strong which is actually becoming more and more a thing for me to like.

And he’s warm. I’m pretty much cold half the time and I’m almost sure that all the winters in those cheep low rent crack houses I grew up in gave the cold a permanent home in my bones.

But this morning even before the alarm goes off I’m wide awake because Alex is pressed up against me and he’s hot and rock hard pressing against me and I’m completely freaked out. He...he’s so thick; long…hot…I feel it pressed to me. It didn’t seem that big last morning in my hand…okay yeah it was big but this.

Holy crap…Whatdoido?

I laid there for the longest time and even closed my eyes again and there was all this stuff from Cliff yelling at me and calling me things and all the stuff he used to freak out about all that anti-gay stuff is running through my head and it’s all mashing together with everything that’s happened since, how great Alex is and how much I care for him and all the stuff that Hali and I talked about.

So I guess it came down to if I was going to live my life being Hunter or was William coming back.

It seems like it could have been about it just being sex but it’s not about that. It’s about making that choice. I actually pulled his arm around me a bit tighter and push into him and let myself really feel him and try to figure out what exactly it is that I really want and what I’m feeling.

I close my eyes and roll over and wake Alex by pushing him onto his back from his side. I straddle him and kiss him fully awake. His eyes open and it’s so…good...the feeling of just kissing him and feeling my hair falling down over him as I do. The way his hands touch me. I’m small, not really little but terminally skinny and thin, tall a lot of leg length too in that. Alex’s hands are three times the size of mine and being touched, held, felt up like that feels so good.

You ever craved something you really had no clue you were craving madly until after you got a taste of it. Alex’s touch is doing that for me. I feel so hot all of a sudden and it’s like I can’t keep still or get enough of the way that his lips taste, the way his skin tastes. I swear there’s something psychosomatic about this because my nipples feel so hard they hurt, ache I push my non existent chest into his hands and moan around our kissing.

I’ve never wanted to have breasts so much in my life.

Bye Will, it was nice knowing you.

I’m having a better life now.

Then there’s this feeling like nothing I’ve ever felt in my life as Alex’s almost too hot, wet, insistent lips find one of my nipples and kisses it, and rolls his tongue around it and suckles. It makes me gasp and cry out, it makes my eyes roll back in my head and after four or five minutes of that and him going back and forth between them I have the most intense orgasm of my life and make a serious mess out of my panties. To the sounds of me going…. “Uh…uh…ohfuck, Alex, Alex. ‘Lex, ‘Lex, ‘Lex……..”

I nearly faint from it and he’s holding me and he’s kissing me and he’s looking me in my eyes in this really loving way. I look at the clock and then back into his eyes. “Alex…”

“Yes Hunter.” Oh…. He’s never said my name like that. There’s this husky, smoky, silky quality that is just…

“Make love to me….” I bite my lower lip after I said it and I’m scared but this is actually something I want.

“Are you sure?” His eyes are just so…I’m falling into them.

“Hell no, I’m not sure, I’m scared as hell but I want you too and I don’t want to be scared of this any more.” Hey, I’m being honest. I’ll never know if being Hunter is really what I want if I don’t take this giant step.

“If you want me to stop, you tell me to stop.” He tenderly kisses me and rolls me over to my back and then reaches into the nightstand and takes out some condoms and a tube.

“How long have you had that?”

“Awhile.”

“Oh, you were planning on getting lucky with me?”

“No, it was never about that. Jen used to like it a bit wild and she liked it that way.”

“Oh…”

“Sorry Hunter, we can stop if you…” I shut him up by kissing him.

“Good, then you know what you’re doing because I don’t.” I kiss him again and crawl shimmy out of my panties.

He starts with a finger and getting me uhm slippery. The stuff is cold at first. And there’s this intense feeling as the finger goes in and I’m fighting the actual oh fuck ow of it and the ghost of a not dead as far as I know Cliff, the stepshit screaming into my head about how much of a faggot I am. Yeah there’s a degree of me feeling like that, there’s some shame there that is slowly getting wore down as Alex moves his hand and wrist.

It goes from that bad way that I’m sort of perceiving it or been taught to perceive it to…oh…oh…what was that? Then there’s a warm feeling sort of going on, I think it’s friction at first until he removed him pumping finger and my body gives me this signal almost like no…it’s over? Dammit it was just getting good.

Then I feel more lube and this thing, this feeling at my entrance and he pushes into me.

Cry out? You bet I did, it felt like someone was trying to massage my heart through my ass with a baseball bat.

Alex went slowly but there was no real preparation for his sinking into me. It hurt and it hurt and it was running through my head that I was gay, a fag and here was the proof. I was getting fucked by this big strapping football player. There were shame tears in there with the pain and he stopped a few times but I whined… “No, don’t stop…more.”

I needed to know more than how bad it hurt. I’d say that first start took likely ten or fifteen minutes before all ten thick heavy inches of him was inside of me and it felt.

Well besides the pain and feeling full, I could feel my insides screaming WTH at me as the freaked and stretched and fluttered around him. He was still for awhile kissing me and suckling my nipples and the more my body shook and did it’s adjusting the more I felt the hardness in me, his shape and his heat there. Then he started to move. Honestly this is where things changed. After about five minutes the feelings changed from the strangeness and alien like feeling of sex like this to…oh...oh…this is good all the way into him moving in and out of me and the most intense feelings of my entire life.

Did I enjoy it?

I’m not going to get into the details that much but when the time came it felt like he was pushing into me and pushing my cum out of me. It hurt, I mean the stream, the shot hurt it came out that hard and that fast I only had a few seconds of that build up point of no return and everything inside just shot off like a roman candle. Every shot I did squeezed down on him and I cried out all the harder as I felt my insides moulding around Alex.

He went at me harder as I went slack from exhaustion and by the time my body started to catch up to what he was doing to it I was having another one while soft? And the way my body clenched brought him to this cry of… “Hunter..!” it was this sound that came out of him that I only heard once and that was during his nightmare. I felt his shake, I felt him grow a bit, get harder and thicker and there was a swelling in there and more heat which I was sure him filling the condom.

Alex actually fell sort of on top of me and we got sort of sweat stuck together and he was shaking. Not just shaking but he was crying…I was crying too and it went on for a few more seconds before he looked me in the face and there were tears in his eyes and he’s looking at me with this look.

That look said.

Don’t hate me.
Love me.
Don’t leave me.
Please Love me.

Even if I thought the sex wasn’t what i was looking for I could never turn away from Alex, not like that. I wouldn’t care if I never had sex again if he kept looking at me like that.

Yes the sex was good.
Yes I loved it more than my brain was able to handle.
But that look.

People everywhere dream of having somebody look at them like that and it doesn’t matter.

Y’know it really doesn’t fucking matter because gay, straight, lez, bi if you are ever, ever lucky enough to find someone who looks at you like the way Alex looks at me then take a hold of it and never let go of that dream, never let go of it because it’s the most precious thing in the world.

I’m never letting go of my dream.

Alex is looking at me like that and I can’t stop the tears. He can’t either but I kiss him. I kiss him harder and longer and sweeter than I’ve ever kissed anyone.

I love Alex.

Alex is looking at me and right now I don’t feel like I’m gutter trash, or that I’m not good enough but that I’m loved. It’s like when he looks at me he can see something that everyone else I’ve ever know just had never seen before. That he see’s good things in me that I’ve never seen or felt about myself before. That I worth something to someone in a real way and not just because I’m a welfare check. That I’m not just living or going through the motions of it but that….

Alex is looking at me in this way that changes everything. It’s that fundamental change that hits you and I hope I’m explaining this right but it hits you and then you know. When someone looks at you like you’re that special you know without a doubt that you…

That I…

Actually have a soul.

Why?

Because as I’m kissing him and as we’re wiping each other’s tears away we’re seeing the other half of our souls right there.

I’m not sure how long we had done it, or held each other like that and cried and kind of had our love meltdown but it was the alarm clock that broke us out of it and we parted with a kiss. Alex pulled out of me and I felt…I ran to the bathroom my body having…

I’ll spare the gory and embarrassing details. There’s a polite knock of the door. “Hunter? I’m going to give you the bathroom honey; I’ll catch a shower in the house.”

“Uhm…Okay….?” It kind of came out as this messed up freaked out whine. Freaked out?
Oh you betcha. I just had sex like I never even knew was possible. Alex took my cherry pretty much literally. He’s the only person I’ve ever slept with and I’m going through good/bad sexual PTSD.

By good/bad I mean it wasn’t traumatic. I was my idea, I could have told him to stop but I went along with it and I let a guy fuck me. And that really goes against a lot of my internal programming.

Is it fucked up if you know that you’ve been indoctrinated?

The fact that it’s Alex is the only thing that is saving my brain right now.

I get cleaned up as best as I can and take a bath. Ow, ow, shit, ow that hurts. I should have known better. Lube or no lube that hot water stings.

After my bath, I throw up. I’m not like disgusted, but it’s just nerves. I really, really want a smoke, of all times for me to decide to quit.

Mouth wash, brush my teeth twice and I strip the bed and toss everything in the wash and put it on hot with a lot of detergent. I’m walking funny, I’m walking funny and that sends me off into a fit of giggles and that helps. It helps more than anything else and I’m giggling…like a girl might but I just really can’t help it. It might actually be the way I really laugh I don’t know? I’ve never had a reason to laugh beyond the few chuckles and my usual little half smile. I get a hold of myself after my second cup of coffee and I feel good.

I think.

Yeah good.

I don’t make breakfast instead I pack it along with our lunches. I pack up granola mixed with honey nut cherrios into to gladware containers and a quart of milk. I grab a big zip lock bag and the food processor and put that thing on it that slices stuff into well slices and feed carrots, cucumber, and celery into it and just rip up some lettuce and hack up a tomato and rip up the leftovers into it from the three pieces of KFC. I zip it up and shake it up and stow it in our cooler bag. With the rest being bottles of water.

Yeah I’m in a hurry.

I go and get dressed, black lacey bra and panties and tuck myself into black skinny jeans, ankle socks, red sneakers and this stretchy red lacy thing that’s like a camisole but has this kind of corset like look to it too some of the accents are black on it and I add a choker to go with it but I take some red silky nylon ribbon and I tie my hair off in pig tails. Some red lipstick and a few other touches and I look actually pretty hot, punker, but definitely all girl, just and extremely flat one. I just come out as Alex comes in wearing just a towel and he smiles at me and totally smears my lipstick when her kisses me and picks me off of my feet and does a few circles around with me. I get these crazy yummy yay like butterfly feeling running from my heart not my stomach through the rest of me.

If I’m not gay, or trans, then at the very least I’m Alexsexual.

I get him a coffee and hold it/share it while I watch him getting dressed. First off he’s six foot six and a half feet or so and he’s two hundred and thirsty pounds of tanned broad shouldered muscle. He’s got a washboard set of ab’s and a killer tan. Now dress that hot boy up in Haynes black boxer briefs and then a pair of nice designer jeans along with really big Detroit Lions tee-shirt on and his black leather jacket then my black knit pull over hat. He just won’t let me have that back. I don’t care it looks good on him.

We head out into the garage and surprise who’s there but Adam. He’s drinking his cup of coffee and has that I own you I am the shit look on his face. “Alexander, can I have a moment?”

I’m not liking the Alexander thing.

“I suppose.” He’s flat stares at his father.

“I have a dinner tomorrow night; it’s with a client and his family. I need you to come.”

“I might have plans with Hunter.”

He looks at me with this smirk. Like he’s better than me, like I’m not good enough to be around those kinds of people. In those kinds of places. I bite my lip and Alex takes my hand and squeezes it.

“Y’know Dad we would love a night out someplace nice. On the firm’s dime?”

He actually looks surprised.

Not half as much as I am.

WhatthefuckamIgoingtodo?!

“Good then…Hunter, Alex I’ll see you both her to meet the limo at seven thirty tomorrow night?”

He turns and he goes back into the house.

Alex opens my door for me and I slip stunned like into the car.

My mind’s still reeling as we drive to school.

This is not the movies, this isn’t Pretty Woman.

I’m so fucked.