Sweet Dreams-31 The First Cut is the Deepest.

Chapter 31

I think there’s something psychosomatic about losing it when people tell you that you’re not the freaky person you think you are but the socially acceptable version of it.

I was always the skinny punk guy that dressed like he was this throwback to Boy George or David Bowie or more to date Adam Lambert. It was a good defense even in my neighborhood. Dress like that, get seen either as a gothy punker freak or being gay or even gayer than most and people just leave you alone. Except for the die hard haters and in my neighborhood the predator kids. You learned either to fight, or really how to run.

And I was sort of good with being Billy Hunter the freak. Then Hunter Williams…who was still sort of a freak but more of there’s a reason why I’m such a freak and that’s because I’m transgendered.

Then this, finding out like just ten minutes ago that I’ve actually always been a girl, well technically intersexed but in a lot of the most important ways. I’ve always been a girl.

And like I said there’s something psychosomatic about the whole thing because I’m hanging onto Jennifer and I’m bawling like they told me that I’ve got cancer instead of that I’m no where near the freak I thought that I was.

Because I’m okay.

Okay…not okay but there’s that whole what the fuck is wrong with me answered and that’s a big thing.

And my friends haven’t abandoned me, and my family, my new…no…my real family hasn’t freaked out and left me to twist in the wind.

My real family and I look up at then for a minute from Jen’s shoulder and I’m full on girly crying my eyes out and I’m sort of reaching for them and April’s there in a flash hugging me and actually doing that croon/coo thing that real moms do with their kids.

“Oh…Oh…It’s okay Hunter we’re here, it’s going to be alright we’ve got you…”

“Y..y..you’re not leavin…”

“Of course we’re not, we love you honey.”

“Y’lubb me?”

“Of course we do. All of us right?”

There’s nods and Alex rubs my back smiling his Alex smile and saying. “In Love with you.”

Then there’s Adam. He looks at me, hands in his pockets. “Yes well…I guess you’ll do, I mean if I’m putting up with all this and sending you to law school then well…I’ll be watching your marks you know.”

He tenses and stares at me. “I’m going for coffees.”

I…He…

(Sniffle.) “I could go for a coffee.”

He looks at me and there’s that just Adam look and he nods to all of us before walking out. Alex is still rubbing my back but I felt his fingers curl there like he was going to make a fist. “I swear…can’t he just…”

I reach back to his arm and pull it to me. “Alex he just did, I get what he means it’s different that what he said.”

“You got to say it sometime though Hunter…sometimes you have to tell people that you love them.”

“I know…since you I know…but it takes time Alex, it’ll take him time.”

Alex gives me this stormy frowny skeptical look of his that just says “Yeah sure.” If he was a cat his ears’d be flat.

I lean over and back and kiss him and it’s the same but different? Better? I’m kissing my Boyfriend and that’s actually the way it’s supposed to be. Like I said psychosomatic right, just knowing the truth about myself at least medically is changing the way that I feel.

It’s not really a bad change though. I swear there’s this chunk of me still letting out this sigh of relief.

I break the kiss and try and get more comfortable and notice Cindy still sort of looking at Jen. Then Cindy sort of notices me noticing and she slips her hands into her back pockets and sort of shifts so she’s not anymore. She does look at me and I sort of give her a questioning head tilt. She sort of looks at Jen her shoulders hunch and she bites her lips when she’s looking at me.

Translation…God yes I want to but I’m scared and I haven’t yet.

I look at April. “So….”

“So?”

“So how’d you guys know?”

“Oh, well Adam had some of his people check in with the school and got your transcripts and then he had them traced back to your old school. No one really knew who you where over the phone so he sent people to ask around directly and we found out about William.”

“But you didn’t turn me in?”

“As far as we knew you were a boy, you were posing as a girl and you were doing it really well but we’d thought that you and Alex were in the closet with the whole gay relationship the two of you were having.”

“Oh…” Damn I thought that I had covered my tracks better.

“We were keeping quiet because if Alex was going to be in the closet with you then Adam didn’t want to “out” the both of you because it’d mess up Alex’s image and people don’t give football scholarships to gay players.”

“Well there’s gay athlete’s in college.”

“But they don’t get football scholarships.”

Alex huff’s. “Sounds like dad.”

I ease into him but pull his arms around me. “Scholarships are big deals Alex, your dad was right to be worried.” I hold on to his arms but look at him over my shoulder. I could’ve cost him his scholarship…

He looks at me. “Don’t care, I don’t care if I’m bagging groceries and living in a trailer Hunter, just as long as I’ve got you.”

I really don’t want anything resembling my life the way it was overlapping into his. I spent enough years of my life living in hell. I never want that for him. I wouldn’t wish what my life was on my worst enemy.

“I know you would Alex but I really, really don’t want to go there.”

He looks at me in my eyes and there’s that thing that’s us there. I don’t know how he gets it, gets me without living it but he does in his own way.

That, that’s an ow…my heart thing.

When you meet someone, that someone the best part of it isn’t the yay happy shiny stuff, it’s not the racing rush of being together intimacy. It’s to be able to look into the eyes of the person that gives you all of the above but is also to just be able to look you in the eyes and stare down all your inner demons and then see you…see you scars and all and not love you in spite of them but loves you because of them.

Alex does this for me.

I can look into those soulful dark brown eyes of his and there’s a lifetime of us there waiting, there’s a thousands words we never need to say and…

I fall in love just a tiny bit more each time…

That look just leads to him and I just pressing our foreheads together and staying like that just staring for a few minutes and then kissing until I hear coughing and smell coffee.

I look at Adam who’s passing out coffees and talking to April. “So we’re past who figured what out then?”

“Yeah, I thought I did a better job.”

He frowns a bit. “You did, I had to send people to actually go around to your old school and dig around until we got to someone that’s be able to tell us something. You never took any photos in any of the yearbook things or the student papers events. People didn’t really even know you that well Hunter you were like a ghost.”

“I was…I was sort of a part time student between moving around or recovering.”

“Recovering?” Jen and April ask. I notice this look in Adams eyes that says he knows and Alex tenses up.

“The Step-shit or my Mom…either one…I got to be the excuse for everything wrong in the universe and the punching bag…when they were drying out.”

I can’t help the shivers that come up with just the thoughts of all of it. I hold my coffee with both hands to keep my hands from shaking and Alex… (Choke…yay…) wraps his arms around me from behind and he gives me this so tender make it better kiss on the back of my neck and…

He’s my armor…He’s holding me and keeping those bad flashbacks from grabbing me…and that getting really protected…just…Ow…ow…ow…god I don’t deserve him my heart.

He whispers into my neck and my hair…. “I’ve got you…never again…you’re safe Hunter.”

Does he have any idea what safe means to people like me? Abused, hurt, beaten…the raped or molested… (Yay-choke-sob.)

To be held like I have value. His arms tighten around me. Alex could squeeze me to bruising and it’d still never be wrong…I’ll never say let me go.

To have someone just actually stop that pain before it jumps you.

It’s only a minute this funk, like he caught me before I went there. But the others noticed, the girls are upset but Adam…he has this look like he gets it too.

He takes a drink and sits. “I’m serious about the marks Hunter.”

“You are?”

“Yes. I had figured since word about Alex was going to get out that he’d not be getting a football scholarship into law school but you, you have excellent marks. And you’re smart and can think on the go. I want to see how far you can go.”

“I don’t know what to say?”

“Oh that’ll come out in our contract.”

“Contract?”

Alex lifts his head. “Dad…” kind of defensive and warningly.

“Yes, I’ll pay for your college not counting any scholarships and such you earn and in return you’ll work for my law firm.”

“Dad!” Alex stares at him. “You can’t pressure Hunter like that, just back off.”

“Well son since you’re not going or interested in law school then I want at least one of the family practicing.”

“I don’t want to be a lawyer, I never wanted to be a lawyer, hell I never wanted to play football.”

“Football will lead you into more than the scholarships Alex, people remember games for a long time especially when you do good in it, it opens doors. But you won’t need that if all you want to do is brood and doodle.”

“Fuck you!”

“Oh nice response maybe you’ll find that the kind of arguing that they do in skid row then.”

“I don ’t care.”

“Obviously, you take off the and see where that leaves you and her.”

The threat is there right under the surface. My well being is still pretty dependent on Alex being something Adam approves of. April stands up looking scared but passed. “Adam!”

Alex looks like he’s going to punch his dad.

And I sit up onto my knees in bed between the three of them. “Enough! Just enough! Fuck!”

I look at the three of them.

“Look Adam, I’m more than happy to take you up on your offer but after I look at our contract. Alex, it’s headhunting and your father is just getting ahead of the game. He also wants to keep his part of what he’s worked for in the family…” I kiss Alex and stoke his face.

I move back to look at Adam. “Your son is a talented artist, he’s damned good at it and instead of you two fighting about it you two should come to something that’s both but you’re both too busy defending your side from the same damned foxhole.”

Adam looks at me eyebrow raised. Alex is frowny and pouts/broods… “I don’t want to be a lawyer…I’m an artist…”

Adam looks like he’s going to ay something and Alex fight and I point at both of them with that frustrated shake-waving hand. “Shuush!”

April nearly laughs.

I take a breath. “Alex have you ever thought about being an architect? It’s art based and you could take that and take all the art classes that you want to go with it.”

He looks like he never remotely thought of that.

Of course not he’s been too busy fighting over everything.

“Adam…is that a serious enough degree, a respectable enough career…it’s being an artist?”

He stared at me. That flat Adam stare. “I should have thought of that, I should…I…should have taken Alex’s talents a lot more instead of just making the assumptions…if he wants to try that I won’t stand in his way.”

He looks like he was chewing glass the whole time and Alex looks stunned at the kind of sort of apology.

I look around. “Settled?”

They look at each other, then at me and all this must have shot up my pressure ad everything because the headache is back and I can feel blood starting to drip from my nose.

I still stare both of them down as April heads off to get someone. “I asked if this is settled.”

They both nod.

“Say it and shake hands.”

There’s a bit of hesitation but they do.

“Good, I swear you two are going to fucking kill me….”

And that’s when the room sort of went grey and slid sideways.