Sweet Dreams…I’ll Never have them.-3

Saturday September 25th 2010

It takes me I don’t know how long before I come down from my freaking out and having a breakdown. Alex has his arms around me and I’m warm for the firs time in I don’t know how long but I really hurt. I know the life I’ve grown up in I should be used to being hurt but the Step-shit had really done a number on me and so did my mom.

I just lay there with him holding me and try to soak in his body heat. He’s huge compared to me. I’m a skinny under fed mutt. I’m not all that short but thin, hell I look like I’m anorexic or on something. Alex well he must be a little over six and a half feet tall. He’s really broad acrossed the shoulders and is massively muscled. He’s almost another species. I can hear his heart beating and I swear I can feel it under all that skin and bone beating. He kinda smells and he kinda doesn’t. I think I got him out of football practice or a game or just after because he’s not fully changed and…that smell…it isn’t so bad. I hurt too much to have my usual freak out about this making me feel like some kind of faggot.

“Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“Hunter?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re really hurt I should take you to the hospital.”
“No…No…No hospitals…” I start coughing, oh dammit that hurts!
“You should…” I can’t really talk so I’m hitting him and shaking my head. Hitting him kind of hurts my fists a little.
“No!, no, no…I can’t they’ll call the cops1, they’ll call the social worker and they’ll throw my ass in a foster place or a group home!”
“Hunter lots of kids live in both.”
“Yeah and lots of people are still having to deal with the shit done to them in there.”
“Point taken…But you’re really hurt.”
“Yeah well I’ve lived through this before.”
“Like this?”
“Yeah…”
He hugs me.

I mean this wasn’t him holding me when I was freaking and he needed to but this was…I don’t know? It was a hug, it felt nice but…like any other time I got some thing like this it came with strings. I honestly don’t know what to do, how to respond, or what he wants from me…

I know I’m not doing this hugging thing right. I’m stiff and guarded. He let’s go of the hug and kind of gives me this look, then whatever that look was it’s gone. “Okay, no hospital but you’re staying with me.”
“Alex…”
“You got anywhere else to go?”
“No…” I’m kind of scared, it’s almost something that a pimp would say to a desperate trick, I’m ashamed too.
“Fine then it’s settled.” Then he starts the car up and starts driving.

We end up driving through the nicer areas of the city. I look out at places and this whole other world that’s stores and movie theatres and malls and all these things that I’ve never really had the cash to go to. Heck I never really left my side of town except to stay away from everyone and everything on the city buses. But I never got off at any of these places. I mean people would take one look at me and see me for the white trash piece of shit that I am.

I mean it’s kinda like visiting the moon really. I’ve seen it all my life but it’s really alien to me.

Even more so as we pull into this swank area called Roslyn Road and through there aways before he pulled into this brick driveway with the whole round about and the big two car garage and everything to go with it…it’s a five or six bedroom house with this almost Swiss or German look to it and there’s flowers along the windows and huge side yards that hint of a bigger back yard…one of those million dollar plus homes even in today’s shitty housing markets.

I’m scared, because if I didn’t belong in the other neighborhood I really don’t belong here. He touched something on the dash to open the garage doors and seeing it live was even just…

People with cars like this and remote stuff they live on the other side of the TV for me.

Alex pulls in a turns the car off and get’s out. He comes around the other side and opens the car door for me and gently scoops me into his arms. “Alex I can walk.”
“Hrmph, barely.”
“What are your parents going to say?”
“Nothing, they both work all the time and aren’t hardly ever here.”
“Oh, so you don’t really see them.”
“As little as possible.”
“Oh…” I’ve got no idea as to what to say to something like that so I kind of just shut my mouth.

He carries me up these stairs inside the garage and holds me in one arm…I feel this…I don’t know. It’s scary but thrilling…warming…it makes me look into his eyes for few seconds…he open it up and left me into this garage loft apartment. It’s bigger than the one I used to live in. It’s gorgeous with the room I’m in being this living room with a big couch, and two chairs, end tables and a coffee table all in from of this bookshelf/entertainment unit and it’s got hardwood floors…and it smells nice, it smells clean, it looks clean and it makes me feel grungy and dirty…I feel like I’m going to stain the place.
He carried me past all of that and this little galley kitchen and a bathroom into his bedroom…He sets me on the bed. “I’ll be back.”
He leaves me there and I look around. I’ve never been on a bed like this, big and weird it’s some kind of sinking foam thingy with a big soft comforter thing over it and big pillows. And it’s all clean…I’m not used to clean.

There’s a drafting table and stuff around it for drawing or designing and there’s a desk with a really expensive and really awesome looking computer on it. Okay they don’t have anything like this even at the office at my school.

There’s a couple of dressers and there’s a Bow-Flex thing in a corner, and he’s got mostly paintings and real art on the walls in his place instead of posters and stuff. There’s a closet too and another room like a small utility room that…it’s a room for painting…there’s canvas’s and paints and pots and brushes everywhere and all these paintings just standing and drying. There’s one on the rack…

And it’s me?, or at least my hair matches hers. I…I barely can recognize myself in the picture. Her eyes are hypnotic, then I’m… her…she’s painted like she’s lying on the floor wearing nothing but a simple white sheet. There’s nothing painted there to say it’s a woman, no breasts just the look, the thinness of my body and the way I’m drawn.

It hurts, It hurt to look at and I don’t know why.
That’s me.
But she’s a me I’ll never be.
She…she’s beautiful…My beatings, my scars, my life just suddenly weighs tons and drags me down to the floor and I can’t help but cry.
I’m never going to be her!
I’m never going to be beautiful like her!
Why!?
Why does that hurt me!?
Why?!
Why am I even thinking these things!?
FAGGOT!!!
My mind screams at me.
It’s WRONG!, You’re WRONG!, The Step-shits, voice, mom’s joining in with mine.
FREAK, FREAK, PERVERT, FAGGOT!

I’m bawling my eyes out on the floor when Alex comes in. He dropped my things on the floor and he came over and scooped me off the floor. You ever see someone scream-cry, like at the hospital when someone they love dies? Yeah, That’s me. I screaming straight from my soul.

I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I fucking hate myself.
I hate Alex.
I hate what he makes me feel.
I hate he’s taking care of me.
I hate that I need him so much.
I hate that I want him.
I’m scared.
I’m not supposed to be this way.

There is this part of me hanging onto Alex for dear life as I freak out again, twice in one night. I honestly don’t know that part of myself. Being held, being taken care of is alien to me.

Then there’s this part of me that’s fucking with me. Most of my life I was raise with those psychos and they’re twisted tweeker culture brought together by the Aryan bullshit they treated like a religion. In my head, my brain tells me it’s all bullshit, the stuff about blacks and Jews and other races. About being a faggot, about feeling gay. It’s programming but it doesn’t change the voices in my head the shame or the guilt.

I fall asleep in Alex’s arms.

I’ve never had something like this. I’m not sure how to describe waking up. Well for one I’m undressed…and Alex has gotten to see me in panties…I’m under the sheets, oh god these are clean sheets and I’m sunken into the weird foam of the mattress. I’m not used to soft anymore than I am clean. The sheets are wrapped around me and so are his arms…I’m on my side pulled against his massive frame and I can feel his body against mine through the sheets…all that muscle and heat and his…oh shit…oh shit he’s got a hard on. Then again so do I and my nipples hurt…Then everything else starts to hurt. I’m not sure how long I lay there before falling asleep again.

This time I woke up without him there and I’m still not sure of anything…but I’m not…part of me wanted him there. Needed him there. I smell something…Food, my stomach takes a bite out of me and I sit up and gather the sheets around me. I’m…I’m actually warm too. Alex actually has working heat.

I see him in the little kitchen and he’s in his…boxer briefs and….I..like what I’m seeing and I know I like the way he looks. It just kind of makes me sad, it hurts…I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want to be some fag but…I can’t help but stare at him. Huge, with muscles and that killer tanned body and …he shines, no his skin is like those guys in the body builder magazines. Alex kind of shines…and I hate noticing it. He turns and looks at me, there’s kind of a smile there. Kind of…

God it’s like he wants to but can’t.
I hate that.
I want to make it better.
I don’t know why.

“The bathrooms free. Dinner won’t be done for another 40 minutes or so.”
“Okay…?”

I kind of walk away and find the bathroom. It’s small but really clean and I see a tub…I’ve never had a tub.
“Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Can…Can I take a bath?”
He comes into the bathroom. “That’s actually a good idea with your bruises and all.” He takes out a canister and passes it to me. “These will help with them too, they help me after bad games or practices.” He held up another one. “Rub some of this into your bruises it helps with mine.”
“Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks…”
“It’s okay, I want to help Hunter…I want to make it better.”
“Why?” My voice is really small.
“I don’t know…But I need to.”
Then he kisses me.
I…
He’s kissing me…
…..
…..
I like it.