Sweet Dreams-56

Chapter 56

*Before…

Alex looks at me when he gets out. “You okay?”
“Yeah I’m just having that kind of hitting me again.”
“What?”
“That actual feeling of home?”
“You are home.”
“But it’s still something that I never really got before Alex; everything else was kinda just a squat. I’m having that full on thing where I had no idea I missed our bed so much until I climbed in it tonight.”
He smiles that soft little secret smile of his…that one that’s only partway on his lips but all the way in his eyes and I sigh and tilt my head up to meet him as he leans down to kiss me and we do that for a while before we end up snuggling up together and actually sleeping.
I missed that too…curling up with him and spooning.
It actually takes me the better part of three quarters of an hour before sleep overtakes me.
The rest of that time I was just sort of soaking in that feeling.
Home, safe and loved.

*And Now…

(Huff…)

(Pant…)

(Wheeze…)

“Alex…Alex…wait…”

He slows down and he kind of comes into focus some and I grab onto one of the skinny maples planted in the sidewalk divide. He’s walking over slipping off the backpack he’s wearing and taking out some water and I’m doubling over as coughs wrack my lungs.

I hork up a little globby thing of phlegm.

No….so not lady like and Alex pulls out some tissues from the backpack too while I’m going from coughing to trying to breathe.

I wipe my mouth off and take the offered bottle of water.

“Slowly…don’t guzzle it you’ll feel sick if you do that.”

“I feel sick now.”

“You’re not used to running Hunter.”

“I’m used to running I’m just not used to a bleeping marathon.”

Alex gives me an Alex look and there’s that little almost smile and eyebrow thing. “You do know how long a real marathon is right?”

I give him the finger.

That makes him get this look on his face. “Actually you’re not doing that right now either.”

“I know, I know dammit…I’m the one who had the surgery.”

“You brought it up.”

Yep I give him the finger again.

Alex responds with… “Wow…no sex makes you cranky.”

“I…”

That little half smile creeps a little bigger.

I start shake splashing water at him from the bottle of water he gave me.

“I can’t do that, I can’t let you go down on me if I can’t return the favor…and this chicks jaw only has one hinge.”

“And I told you it doesn’t matter, I can wait.”

“Then why were you saying that I was doing any of that right now then?”

“You gave me the finger; you’re my girlfriend so I get to mess with you back.”

What…

He…

That smile gets even bigger…

“Ass!” I take off at him and Alex starts to run…I don’t care I’m going to catch him and I’m going to soak him!

……………………….. Okay, okay there’s something to be said about doing this whole exercise thing. I never really worked out at all really and when Cliff did have weights around in some of the places we lived and stuff I just kinda of avoided them.

He’d get all gung-ho and start to yell and stuff the one time I did try…and not performing up to his psycho par was an invitation to get hurt.

Another reason that I sort of went with the whole guy in skirts and goth-punk clothes and stuff.

Sometimes being the little punk faggot had its advantages…just sometimes but I guess you take what you can to survive.

And yeah I’m still recovering it’s been a couple of days since my hope coming and stuff and I’m still not ready for sex just yet.

It’s still tender and stuff and if I can feel sore a bit after The what goes into The where then Alex is definitely too much.

And yeah we could do it the old way and I do like that…I do. It’s just since I had everything sort of put to rights and stuff I really what to be with Alex in the whole traditional way.

And he’s good with that and I can’t give him oral….not the way that I should…I mean if I’m going to then…I guess maybe it’s just I’m not that into it and if I can’t do it for him the right way then he shouldn’t be going down on me yet.

I mean once we can have like regular sex then okay cool if he wants to go there with me then fine but I just.

Things are frustratingly on hold.

And Alex doesn’t want a hand job and he hasn’t taken matters into his own hands as far as I can tell.

So yeah I’m trying to connect with him on a non-sexual level.

And it’s freaking hard.

One I had no idea just how much of what I did with Alex revolved around sex.

Turns out I am my mother’s daughter.

No I mean I don’t mean that I’m like Really like her but I went sort of there with me and Alex…I know it was me needing to be safe and cared for on a really huge level and stuff but I went for the physical stuff pretty hard and fast to keep it.

I guess there’s a lot to the whole environmental stuff in how a person is raised and stuff and how things stick to us.

But instead of being freaked out at it I sort of decided to take a kind of active approach to it and actually work more at the relationship stuff.

But it turns out also like mom…I like sex too.

I miss it to be honest.

……………………………..Alex is in the shower and I’m still breathing after our waaaaaay too early in the morning workout and I might be doing this now but I’m not doing this every morning.

And Alex? He actually went on a run before going on another one with me and we only went like in a four block circle. Okay so we did it three times and I’m horribly not in shape and stuff and then I did like reps or something on the Bow-Flex and I can sort of lift bench like seventy pounds which is more than I thought I could do…it’s like more than half my body weight and stuff mind you I couldn’t do more than like three of those but I did okay with like the lower weight stuff.

I never ever thought that I could sweat that much…I’m pretty much soaked or was and I’ve been walking around the apartment in my underwear after sticking my head under the sink.

My stomach does this little warble growl and I head for our kitchenette.

I start taking things out and it’s just a lot of random stuff for like breakfast and to pack our lunches and stuff. I think I’ve come a long way since I’m reaching into bags and actually having a handful of sprouts and a handful of baby spinach and I’m feeding the juicer stuff and beating eggs up.

Alex has his own varieties or recipes for juices but I like some spinach with celery and a few slices of green pepper. I actually mix it with some boughten apple and pineapple juices but the pulp all sort of works together like taste wise so I toss it in a bowl with some chopped chives and some lemon juice and olive oil and it’s like pesto or something close to it.

I pack half of that with a package of pita breads and I open two pouches of tuna. I thought that I didn’t really like tuna before but the stuff that I had home was that cat foody stuff that was pulp tuna in water…or it really was cat food.

Yeah…a lot of people in this country eat canned pet food.

And especially if you live under the radar and stuff. Cliff broke the law so much and had two strikes already that he was as paranoid as mom was.

But Alex and I we buy the pouched tuna…well Alex does and it’s like in chunks and it’s like really good. I put it in a plastic locking top dish and add some pepper a bit of lemon juice and some olive oil to it and pack that away and then I add some tomato wedges and take some of the yellow pepper from the fridge and make some little strips. We can sort of do pita bread tuna taco for lunch.

I even pack a box of those granola bars he got the other day…I’m going to have to look up what Quinoa is? Oh I’ll eat them, I’m really not fussy but I’ve never heard of this stuff before.

I have the lunches done so I set out the juice and Alex’s cottage cheese and I try a little half teaspoonful of it. I really don’t like it it’s beady and sort of milky slimy but he loves it and I’m trying it a little to get used to it because…well because he likes it and it’s not like I’m allergic or anything it’s just one of those things that’s really foreign to me.

Cliff’s ideas of cheese were spray foam cheese in a can, cheese spread and powdered…like boxed mac & cheese. We had cheddar sometimes if other people had it and mozzarella on a pizza when we ate pizza…sorry when they ate pizza.

Usually when they were partying with their “friends” I stayed the heck out of their way when they did that because if I didn’t and they were wasted I was a target.

I get some toast made and it’s this stuff Alex buys with all the special stuff in it like flax and nuts and really kind of athlete food and I get the jam and the granola and set the table and I sip at my juice as I make my beloved coffee.

Alex works at a coffee shop so we have really good coffee and I take a scoop of the Hawaiian pea grade coffee and the Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee and I grind them together and put it in the perk tin and then put that on the stem thing and into the coffee pot and turn on the burner.

He bought this old school fifties coffee pot stove top perk machine while I was in the hospital and it’s just amazing. I still like the electric one and that’s good too and that Kuerig thingy with the cup pods is cool too but this this makes the best coffee that I’ve ever had.

I take my vitamins and other stuff while drinking down the juice and trying another half spoonful of his cottage cheese.

Bleech…nopes, still not there yet.

Alex comes out and he starts getting ready and I get to sip at my coffee and watch.

Yeah, I’m watching and yeah he is more enticing but he’s always enticing to me.

Broad shoulders and thick bodied he’s a guy but more than just a guy he’s one of those work out and a practicing athlete types of guys so it’s huge and yet he’s trim too…most of its all muscle and he has these amazing guy curves…the shape of his chest and the abs and his arms…I am a sucker for arms and not really the biceps either but the whole deal and there’s something sexy about his forearms.

And the more I enjoy it y’know the more that it sort of amazes me that my brain kind of is working like that. I mean yeah Alex and I are pretty sexual and stuff and it’s really the first time that I’ve been in a relationship which has its own freak out issues but there’s this whole thing in my head that still has that you’re gay thing.

But I’m not? I’m transgender but born intersexed.

Yes I know that’s screwy too but it’s been a process and since I was pretty much raised a kinda guy…I mean not like other guys…thank god considering what I’ve had around me for male role models but I was still sort of a guy and had a head full of “Cliff-notes” and now I’m definitely feeling female and in my head too.

So weird because it’s happened or happening without me thinking about it like in the whole making a choice thing.

I’m not freaked out by it…well there are things going on in my head kind of that deal with all of this stuff but…It’s this sort of weird slip into an emotional and mental kind of transition that has me…Bemused?

He comes over in that way…guys just have their own way of kind of prowling over that isn’t anything like the way that women move sometimes and it’s still nice to watch.

I’m smiling when he kisses me.

“Mmmm…Thank you.”

“No thank you for making breakfast.”

“It’s okay I like to.”

“I’m still thanking you.” Alex gives me another kiss and we do that for a few more moments. I’m really new to this kind of affection too. I mean having sex actually somehow registers more on normal to me than the kissing.

It’s a little bit of past life conditioning that I don’t mind learning to overcome at all.

I like being held close and by his strength and being gently kissed.

I break it though with a happy sigh. “I need to shower and get ready too.”

He licks his lips like he can taste me a little and there that happy shimmer in his eyes there that makes me feel.

Tall? Proud?

I mean I did that, I made Alex look like that and it’s…I don’t know, guys would say feeling like their ten feet tall and fireproof and it’s the kind of the way that I feel?

I smile and get my stuff and head off to the shower.

Worthy.

No not in like the whole bad way where I’m defining all of my self-worth from my relationship with Alex but it’s more like….it’s like.

It’s like I matter, that I’m actually worth something to someone and stuff.

Wow…it’s kind of nice to actually feel happy for real.

I shower and get all the other necessaries done and I get dressed.

Oooh….that feeling, that feeling that I’m not sure a natural girl’ll get when you slip your panties on and the go snug and they go smooth. My jeans do too and I’m just going in this me look but also the kind of new me look.

Jeans and a plain blue girls tee-shirt panties and a training bra and long plain white sports socks. Nothing frilly or totally girly but still at the same time they’re tight jeans and have the brown pleather accents at the pockets and are boot cut but other than that nothing too much different.

I just style my hair…left loose and I use a curling iron a little like April taught me for just a touch of flare that’ll likely wear off later but still…some foundation and a really light lipstick to go with this really barely there go over with my mascara brush and I’m done.

Well actually a shot of perfume something April bought me called Passione and it kind of has this really light sort of flower smell but citrus too? I don’t know I just use a little bit of it and actually since I really don’t want people to taste me in the air going by.

I do slip my jewelry on though. I don’t go gull punk-girl with it but seven or eight small metal bangles on one wrist and one or two rings on the opposite hand but I do go full on with all my earrings. Two small hoops and my ankh small dangles.

Then it’s breakfast with Alex and we actually watch the news on his laptop while we eat and get the weather and the traffic report. It’s still one of the things I really like about Alex is that he’s a good driver, I mean sure given what had happened with him and his mom who can blame him but to me it’s a good sign.

I smile through my second cup of coffee this morning at the thought of me actually having things I like about a guy, about guys actually because in my head I compare him to other guys.

Like a girl.

I know I am a girl but still like I said it’s still a very different thing for me to have these feelings and thoughts.

It’s the same new old thing for me getting driven to a school one without fences all around it and bars on the windows and stuff and decent lawns and such.

And no heavy security and metal detectors or graffiti.

I don’t know I’m still staring and looking at things even once we’re here and I’ve been going here awhile now.

Just like it’s beyond odd for me to be waving at Jen and Cindy as they wave to me and then Alex and I are joining them at our table. I’m part of the “In” crowd and honestly I kind of get along with most of them.

Well except for the ones that are like the “Royals”.

Those are the kids that are either dating one of the jock set or dating someone in private school of stuff like that or they’re just popular and have money but they don’t really do anything like clubs or teams and stuff y’know the ones that act cool and look pretty professionally.

Anika Christenson is glaring daggers at me as I take a seat and look at everyone.

“Hey…”

Everyone does their “Hey’s” and I get a few hugs and a whole bunch of envelopes with what looks like cards for me and stuff.

I look at Jen. “What’s with Anika?”

Cindy holds up the school newspaper.

There’s the lists of people with their picture on there that are running for Homecoming Queen and King and there’s pictures of Alex there which…? I mean I didn’t think that he was into that but I guess he was maybe when he was with Jen.

And my picture is right beside his.

………………….. “Sonofabitch!”