Sweet Dreams-41

Chapter 41

It’s been pretty much business as usual for the last couple of days since I found out about my dad and where he was buried and stuff and it’s been going to school and classes and Alex and I getting back to work too and him with his football stuff and it’s funny the whole thing about anal sex that Jen and I were talking about did end up with some very happy looking boyfriends and several girls that had ended up walking like they wiped their butts with a cactus.

And then there were a couple of the girls that…well I’d have to say out of the seven or eight that tried it two seemed to like it.

But it was enough of a whole no way and WTF thing that Jen and Cindi were suddenly old news and the school is having upperclassmen assemble talk or “Jam” session about safe sex.

That’s actually kind of funny.

I’m actually into it because one right now that’s Alex and I’s only really steady means of intercourse but we use lots of lube…I’m paranoid clean before that and after…and we use condoms too.

Honestly all sex is kind of messy really and everything but Alex and I are pretty safe and pretty clean.

But enough about sex really the time I really will want to gush about sex is when I’m fixed and things are right where they should be. Honestly the more that I think about it now that I decided to get it done the more that I want to get it done so I can get the hell on with my life.

There might have been only three days since the whole thing with Dad’s file and stuff but there’s been some cool things happening besides the stuff with the whole but sex thing.

I found and sold nine vintage dresses at Hali’s place and I’m getting commission. These were like really nice stuff and worth a bunch of cash.

I’m working on a web page now for Hali’s place and anything she gets in really vintage like that we’re going to set a base price and open a live e-bay style auction.

My computer sciences and applications teacher is helping me do all of this and it’ll be my big make up project for the semester and it’ll bring me up with the rest of the class.

I got an eighty seven out of a hundred on my last math test and I’m pulling my grade up there.

And I’ve gotten several bonus marks in English for actually talking about my in an essay and sort of what had happened and I wrote his obituary…eulogy in my own words.

“I Love you Daddy.”
“Daddy I remember you more and more in my heart than in my head.”
“It’s scary since I don’t really remember your face the way that I want too.”
“I’m lucky that I have pictures.”
“But there are things that I do remember that I’ll never forget.”
“Your Hugs…”
“I swear that even as big as I’ve gotten I still remember the hugs you gave me when I was little.”
“Those important hugs…telling me something, teaching me a lesson…”
“Chasing away the nightmares and then making me feel safe.”
“I’ll never forget that you made a very scary and unsafe world safe for me.”
“I Love you Daddy.”
“My heart remembers all these little things.”
“I still tie my shoes the way you showed me. I’ll always tie my shoes the way that you taught me.”
“I still love those vending machines with the twist thing and the quarters.”
“Yes Daddy it’s the best gum out of those things.”
“I’ll always remember being up on your shoulders…and how you made that flying.”
“I believe in heroes because of you Daddy.”
“I Love You so Much Daddy.”
“I Will Always Love You.”

(Sniffle…) Dammit…

Yeah I cried when I wrote it and I still cry when I read it and my English teacher cried when she read it and she hugged me pretty tightly. It’s the first hundred I’ve ever gotten on anything.

I’m going to have this made into a card at a print shop and get it laminated for when I end up going to see him. I want him to know that I really do mean all of those things.

Oh and I signed up for Driver’s Ed.

Things are going good too with Alex, I mean there’s our usual great stuff going on and everything but there’s also the fact that he’s bought some books and stuff on art and art history and other books from these famous artists. I knew that they studied like the older artists and stuff but I never knew that they actively bough boos of art and stuff about modern day artists and stuff.

I kind of like that he’s got his sketch pads out now and this big one that looks like it’s like a sketch poster pad on one of those things you do paintings on. I think I sort of like the smell of paints in our place.

I’m not sure what Adam’s really making of all of this except we occasionally cross paths commenting on Facebook about the sort of semi-political stuff on there.

So it’s been pretty good and yet and now I’m with Jen on a city bus heading back to my old neighborhood. Why? I left and I still have cash in my safety deposit box and I’m going to go and clean that out and use that to pay for Dad’s card.

I sort of want the money for that to go for that since in a way that’s something that’s sort of something that’s left of the pre-transition me. Jen’s actually pretty calm but as we get into worse and worse areas and transferring to different busses and the people start to change into people she’s not used to being around.

She’s really not used to this many black people.

Honestly it’s sort of funny to me. At least she’s not freaking out or anything but she’s tense and at the same time she’s interested and it’s a serious shock to her this is life? Stuff again.

“Hey you okay?”

“Yeah but this is all kind of just surreal?”

“Oh?”

“I’ve never been her like in these places and it’s all…its stuff I’d see in movies and stuff.”

“Yeah I get that I used to and still have that feeling now where I’m at. Nice neighbourhoods, lawns, nice homes, a school without metal detectors and armed guards and stuff. It was all the whole other side of the TV for me.”

“That’s a good way to put how I’m feeling right now.”

“Welcome to Detroit Jen, it’s actually like this more than it’s not.”

“I thought things were getting better?”

“Things are getting better for the people that have can get out of places like this. A lot of these people lost homes and the places that they worked at too were all beholden to the banks or the buildings were in that property hell that the housing market bank stuff went through.”

“But there were bailouts?”

“And some places got bailed out but the banks here didn’t forgive the money they were owed…they got bailed out but they never stopped calling in their so called debts on middle and low income places…the interest rates killed mortgages by driving the adjusted price out of peoples reaches…even in small commercial properties since the owners jacked the rents to try to stay afloat and everything went belly up.”

“Huh?”

“Instead of sharing the wealth when they got bailed out and them in turn bailing out the middle class and little guys they were being douches and still wanted the money that they say is owed them.”

“But if they owe it they owe it right?”

“Legally, ethically when they were bailed out they should have brought the rates down to where they were and people could afford it since they were given a break.”

“Oh…so that’s why everything’s all messed up?”

“In a really flimsy nutshell yeah…it doesn’t take much Jen, most families and people are two to three pay checks sometimes less from being homeless.”

“Unless they have a lot of money to begin with.”

“Yep and the one’s with a lot of cash well…money looks out for money.”

“Hunter?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s some stuff seriously wrong with this country then.”

“Jen, there’s stuff seriously wrong with a lot of countries…see the greed spread it seemed like a great way of making money but you can only live on credit for so long in any way before life’ll collect.”

“Wow you know a lot about this stuff.”

“Not really I mean it’s just mostly stuff I’ve seen on TV or read or talked about online but it’s my sort of grasp on what happened.”

“You still sound pretty crusadery about it.”

I shrug getting up because we’re getting to our stop. “I can’t help not to be. I moved around a lot of places growing Jen and while things in these neighborhoods were bad they’ve never been this bad.”

“My dad likely wouldn’t agree with you, he’s pretty firmly in the old boys club.”

“Yeah and that’s something that’ll happen sometime too. Our politicians are supposed to work for us, for the best interests of the public not themselves or the special interest groups and that’s on both sides of the fence in my opinion. The system is broken and falling apart and sooner or later it’ll all explode on us.”

“Really?”

“Yeah it’s happened all over the world and it’ll happen here again. People say it won’t but America’s still a really young country when you look at history and other countries.”

“So what’ll we do?”

“Hang on and try to do as much good as we can, that’s my plan. I’ll take care of those around me and do my best from there.”

“So you’re not voting democrat?”

“If I could vote then right now yes…am I satisfied even with them no but given my situation and you and Cindi I’d vote there and hope.”

“Hope for?”

“Just hope, we need a better country but there’s people that don’t want one or their better country doesn’t include me or you or the people we know and love.”

I get out and I head to the safety deposit box rental place with Jen and she’s really looking around. She’s shaking her head a lot too and there’s a lot to shake your head at. Places closed and some boarded up, graffiti here and there lots of garbage in the alleys and people literally just hanging out in front of buildings or on the steps or the corners because there’s nothing to do…nothing for them here except wait…when I was little it had been the same thing but the hoodlum crowds, the ones that were going to do this anyway.

Now there’s a lot of folks in the area that should be working just now trying to find work, but it’s really hard to find work when there’s none to be had.

Lose you job and lose your house, lose your car…and if the work that you need is now only hiring like thirty miles or more away…it’s really expensive to try and make the commute…it’s all of these things and more and misery piling on misery and add it booze, drugs anything to cope, doing stuff like selling them to make ends meet.

It’s heartbreraking when you really look hard around. I’m used to this though I grew up here in these times with a whore and a skinhead stepfather living in cockroach infested places and being treated like shit.

It’s not even been that long really since I was still living here. I t really does feel like it’s been a lot longer though.

And being here, being home really has me thinking about just how I’m going to try to do what I said to give back.

I’m going to law school…if Adam’s going to pay for it like he said then yes and I’m going to try and make a difference.

I get a few looks from some people on the street that recognize me sort of. I’ve changed a lot since when I was living here…food, no more abuse, heat, clean clothes. I might dress still like I used to sort of but yeah I’ve landed somewhere good and safe.

Jen, Jen sort of sticks out like a sore thumb. And her rubbernecking like she’s lost would’ve gotten her into trouble before now if she wasn’t with me. There were a couple of black girls about our age that we’re streetwalking that looked at her and maybe us like they wanted to start something with the white girls.

Me greeting one of the locals was enough to stop them into trying to figure out who I am.

Jen is thankfully smart enough to keep her mouth shut while we’re here.

I get my cash and I close out the box account and turn in the key and we head back the long way back to the bus stop It’s actually a little safer because it’s the long way and we avoid two corners that I think might have wanted to stop the pretty white girls on our way back. They had the look on their faces like they were kind of thinking about it.

No thanks…I’ll pass on the mugging, the beat down and possible rape of my friend…me..with the way I am now? That’d be a beat down and worse maybe.

We pass my old place and I stop and I stare at it for awhile.

“What?”

“My old place.”

“Where?”

“There.” I point to the building.

“That shithole?”

“Yeah…”

“You going in?”

“No…there’s nothing in there that I want…just nightmares.”

“You okay?”

“No, not really…just being here hurts, stuff with my dad hurts…getting dragged through these places…I’m not going to say it’s not fair Jen because life isn’t fair…it just hurts.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have come?”

“No…I had to, I’m not leaving this behind and I need to come back here despite the hurt.”

“Why?”

“We are where we come from Jen. We might not be a hooker or a ganger or a dealer or a debutante…” I grin at her but we should keep our roots because even if things sucked here or wherever it’s part of what makes us…us… I don’t want to forget these places or the people or the things I’ve been through I want to use them to make me stay real but keep my fight alive too.”

“I can sort of see that but what about me…I don’t really have that kind of stuff.”

“Sure you do you grew up in elite-ville, peer pressure, the white rich regime all that kind of prejudices…Jen you’ve been through your own bit of hell too and who better than you to see and get these kids that can’t fit into that kind of world.”

There’s this look there in her eyes and she nods. “Honestly maybe when stuff was going on with me when I was younger and had someone to show me that life could be different than what I was being told it’d be like I might be different now.”

“Exactly.”

It’s a kind of different lighter more focussed mood when we get back on the bus to head out of my old neighbourhood.

I take out my eulogy to my dad and read it again to myself as we’re going.

Tomorrow Daddy…Tomorrow… I Love You Daddy.

I hold the paper over my heart for awhile just to have him close.

I Love you Daddy.”
“Daddy I remember you more and more in my heart than in my head.”
“It’s scary since I don’t really remember your face the way that I want too.”
“I’m lucky that I have pictures.”
“But there are things that I do remember that I’ll never forget.”
“Your Hugs…”
“I swear that even as big as I’ve gotten I still remember the hugs you gave me when I was little.”
“Those important hugs…telling me something, teaching me a lesson…”
“Chasing away the nightmares and then making me feel safe.”
“I’ll never forget that you made a very scary and unsafe world safe for me.”
“I Love you Daddy.”
“My heart remembers all these little things.”
“I still tie my shoes the way you showed me. I’ll always tie my shoes the way that you taught me.”
“I still love those vending machines with the twist thing and the quarters.”
“Yes Daddy it’s the best gum out of those things.”
“I’ll always remember being up on your shoulders…and how you made that flying.”
“I believe in heroes because of you Daddy.”
“I Love You so Much Daddy.”
“I Will Always Love You.”

Dammit…I’m crying again…

I miss him so much…