The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1392 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

It struck me as ironic that each night we did the play I’d be committing suicide–albeit off stage without turning a hair–yet I was terrified Stella might try again–and succeed. Not only would it be a tragedy for all concerned but I’d be stuck with two more children–at this rate, I’d have more than the local Catholic priest.

It’s not that I’d resent any more children, but I can barely cope now and that’s with help, but I think they’d be better off with their natural mother, even if she is a trifle eccentric–see, takes one to know one. But I admit I’m barking.

The bread was still warm while we ate it with the soup, butter melted on it–except I don’t use butter–okay, the others did, I prefer my bread dry with soup–fewer calories too.

“Right, I have to collect a prescription for Danny when I collect the girls. I think we ought to speak to the doctor about your problems with breast feeding,” I announced.

“Maybe I’ll give it a few more days,” suggested Stella.

“Yeah, and maybe I’ll go and phone up now.”

“Look, it’ll probably sort itself.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Well then I’ll see the doc.”

“What’s Fiona going to have meantime?”

“You’re always saying you have some to spare.”

“She won’t be getting all the antibodies from you that she should, and I’m not sure I want to be a wet nurse.”

“Just a day or two.”

“I’ll do it today, if your milk isn’t flowing tomorrow, then we speak to the doctor whether you like it or not.”

“Why not the day after?”

“Because the way you’re heading you won’t produce any at all.”

“How come you produced it, lactation is supposed to come after birth?”

“I really don’t know–it started spontaneously–and I have been born for a little while now.”

“Not you, you idiot, your baby.”

“Oh that,” I winked at her and we both fell about laughing. Jenny sat opposite and shook her head–not sure if it was in disapproval or disbelief.

“You’re like two schoolgirls,” she scolded.

“Yep, guilty as charged,” I held my hands up.

“Book ‘em Danu,” said Stella and we both fell about laughing again. I don’t know why because I’m not really old enough to remember Hawaii Five 0, but I was probably just relieving nervous tension.

Fiona started to cry and before Stella could rush off, I made her sit and try to feed her baby. I knew the baby knew what to do, and theoretically so does Stella, slip off your bra and pop ‘em on your nipple–real skilled work.

“Nothing’s happening,” she said despairingly. In my case it wasn’t true, I could feel myself leaking into my bra pad–oh joy.

I made her try for ten minutes before I took the baby and she clamped on like a locking wheel nut. I’m sure she’s part Dyson, because the suck on her would pull your socks off.

“I can’t believe, I have to rely on my sister-in-law to feed my baby–perhaps I’m not meant to have them?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said with a quiet determination–I didn’t want to accept Fiona–“There is no meant to or meant not to unless it’s genetic, all the rest of this karma or fate or whatever stupid name you want to give it–it’s all male cow poo.”

“Male cow poo?” asked Jenny before the penny dropped. Stella was already laughing and then she laughed at Jenny’s face while the penny was dropping.

“Why couldn’t you just say, bullshit?” she said quietly aware that the human blotter was about somewhere.

“For the same reason you almost whispered it.”

“You two should be on the stage–oh you already are,” said Stella pointing at me.

“I am,” I said, “I’m starring in the Scottish Play which is being performed by the Royal St Claire’s Shakespeare company–although it is strangely deficient in one liners. You can only use, 'Out damn spot,' so many times before it becomes clichéd.”

I finished feeding Fiona and then gave Catherine a turn, I insisted Stella changed Fi’s nappy and asked Jenny to do Catherine, as I had to go and collect the girls. In fact I was a little late leaving by the time I’d repacked my boobs in my bra and changed the pads

It was only when I saw Sister Maria that I remembered I had a bone to pick with her. “When did you decide to video the play?”

“Oh weeks ago, one of our girl’s dad is a video-film maker, does events and functions, and he offered his services free. Once I let it be known we were doing the video, I had fifty immediate orders plus another fifty since. We might actually need more than the hundred if it carries on, especially once they knew you were in it.”

“Me? It’s Iain McPherson they want to see not a dormouse maid.”

“Lady Cameron, you’d be surprised how much support you have within the school and the parent’s group. If you stood as a school governor, you’d win by a landslide.”

“Remind me not to stand–but back to the video–why weren’t we informed before? I only found out by accident.”

She blushed, “I’m so sorry, I thought I’d spoken to all the principals. What can I say? If you object–I’ll have to withdraw them.”

Tempted though I was, I realised that it was all in aid of raising money and besides my halo would have slipped. “No, but next time, ask me first if you would.”

“Next time I’ll be more organised.”

How did I walk into that–I don’t even need her to accost me, I surrender before she even asks. If I have anything to do with it, there won’t be a next time. I managed to distract her and collected the girls who squabbled all the way home.

I didn’t know what it was about but I’d read the riot act before we left the end of the road the school is in. I then had four sulking schoolgirls for most of the journey before World War three erupted again as we approached the house.

Once I’d parked I was able to get to the bottom of it. Someone had taken someone else’s Peppa Pig, I told them that their response was excessive given the trivial nature of the problem. I think I went over the top a little when I compared it to the annexation of Poland during the Second World war. They all looked blankly at me–don’t they teach them modern history anymore–mind you I did do it for O-level.

Of course, Trish will go off and research it and tell me where I got things wrong, which I usually do and probably have. However, four long faces trekked into the house and demanded drinks and biscuits.

I gave Danny his prescription, his eyes looked really sore and he was sneezing like crazy. I’d saved them some soup and bread and they fell upon it like a swarm of giggling and sneezing locusts–never heard a locust sneeze–you haven’t lived.

The rest of us had cottage pie, which Jenny popped in the oven as I went out to get the girls. It was okay with a few vegetables, although Simon couldn’t understand why I didn’t want any peas with mine.

I expressed some milk for Fiona and left it in the fridge, both Stella and Jenny knew about it, then Julie and I went off to do the play–just a normal day in the life of a Hollywood superstar.