Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1308.

Printer-friendly version

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Publication: 

Genre: 

Character Age: 

TG Themes: 

Permission: 

The Daily Dormouse.
(aka Bike)
Part 1308
by Angharad

Copyright © 2011 Angharad
All Rights Reserved.
  
-Dormouse-001.jpg

As you might imagine, I didn’t sleep that well after Maureen’s revelation and request. What rotten luck for her to get lumbered with a son after one brief encounter, with a woman she didn’t love. In lots of ways I was grateful that I’d had a very sheltered up-bringing; although I was reminded of a lecture my father gave me before I went off to university.

“Charles, you’re now a man,” I nearly fell over laughing, I was about as close to being a man, as he was to being a chimpanzee. “So you must be responsible for your actions. We don’t want to hear any stories of you spending all your time in the Student’s Union bar or sleeping with every female who gives you the eye. D’you hear me?”

“Yes, Dad, I’m going there to get a degree not drunk or laid.”

“No need to be crude about it, young man.”

I didn’t consider I’d been crude–I could have used a few more unsavoury words and really made the vein in his neck throb as he went puce, then beetroot.

Looking back, things could have been worse. It was a shame I lost my mum when I was finding myself and wonder how she might have coped. Then would Dad have been different if he hadn’t had the stroke? I like to think he might have been, but I’m probably wrong. Then he was–well, they both were–victims of their upbringing and that poisonous church they went to.

It’s funny they left it after I went to Portsmouth, so I never got the pleasure of pissing off the vicar by appearing as my true self because the funeral was at another church.

I was awake at six and showered and dressed myself before even Si stirred. Then after drying and styling my hair–it was getting quite long again–I left it down using some mousse to help the ends stay curled under, under my jaw. I kept the makeup simple too, some mascara, blush and lipstick, with some diamond ear studs and a gold chain necklet.

Of course the girls were all questions, why was I wearing makeup and perfume. Livvie has a nose like bloodhound. I kept the explanation simple.

“I have to go to Eastbourne with Maureen about a private matter of hers. End of message.”

“Oh,” sighed Trish, “I wish I could come.”

“Yeah, me too,” Livvie agreed.

“Tough, now stop nagging me and eat your breakfasts.”

I wasn’t hungry but forced a couple of slices of toast down with mashed banana on them; washed down with a good cup of tea.

After dropping off the girls I collected Maureen, who was looking very dapper in a cerise coloured skirt suit. If I thought I hadn’t slept much, Maureen looked very much as if she hadn’t at all. She clambered into the Cayenne with laptop bag and an equally large handbag. My own was small by comparison.

We didn’t talk very much and when I looked across, she was asleep. I turned the radio down to low and kept the speed constant as we sped east along the motorway.

According to Googlemaps, it’s just over seventy miles and takes a fraction over an hour and three quarters. They were spot on, because an hour and forty minutes later, we were heading into Eastbourne, and following the directions, I’d downloaded from the internet the night before, we arrived at the road where Cilla and Andrew lived.

Maureen had roused from her slumbers and was shaking her head, “Why did you let me sleep, ma’am?”

“I don’t think I could have stopped you if I’d tried. How d’you feel?”

“Like me ’ead’s a bucket and some bugger just whacked it with an ’ammer.”

“I know we discussed what you wanted me to tell her, but are you sure you still want me to do this?”

“Why, don’t you want to, ma’am?”

“I’m quite prepared to go in there and tell her anything you’d like me to, including where to get off, if necessary.”

“He is me son.”

“You think, I suspect it’s unlikely but that’s another matter.”

“He’s the same bloodgroup.”

“Is that all you had tested?”

“We didn’t actually have anything tested, she showed me ’is ’ospital card and it said group O.”

“Half the planet is group O, I’m group O so was my cat.”

“Eh?”

“Alright the cat wasn’t but loads of people are. That only means he’s human, and possibly your son, but I have my doubts.”

“Oh.”

“I suspect she saw you as a soft touch and she was right. How long after your night out was the baby born?”

“Eight months I think.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, pretty sure.”

“Was it a tiny thing, about three pounds?”

“No ’e was about eight pounds.”

“Didn’t you do any biology in school?”

“Not much why?”

“From conception to birth is about forty weeks not thirty two. You’ve been had, old girl.”

Maureen stared at me and started to laugh, “I ’ave too, by the sound of it. See you females know it all, don’t you?”

“I’m no more female than you are, as you well know. Okay wait here, it’s just coming up to eleven. If you hear screams, send for an ambulance–it may save her.” I left the car and walked down the road a little and into the garden of the house. It was neatly kept and the house looked well maintained–possibly on Maureen’s money.”

I rang the bell and the double glazed door drew open, behind which was a woman of about fortyish. “You must be, Cathy?” she said.

“I am, so you’re, Cilla?”

“Yes, you’d better come in.”

She led me into a nicely furnished room and invited me to sit on a two seater, leather settee. It was a sort of burgundy colour and went reasonably well with the dark carpet and the frieze around the walls.

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“No thanks,” I decided this might not take as long as I thought.

She sat opposite me in a matching easy chair. “So Maurice works for you, does he?”

“Yes, part time.”

“What does he do–the dockyard sacked him didn’t it?”

“He does all sorts of building and engineering jobs for me and my husband’s firm.”

“So he’s doing alright, then?”

“He’s getting by. How is your son?”

“He’s fine, in school of course.”

“Of course.”

“Do you have any children?”

“Yes, I have seven.”

“Seven–how can you afford seven–I can barely afford one?”

“I send them all out to work down the mines and up chimneys.”

She looked at me aghast for a moment, then sniggered. “You have quite a sense of humour, don’t you?”

“You may not think so in a moment.”

“Why, what’re you going to do?”

“I’m going home and instruct my lawyers to investigate the parentage of your son.”

“What for?”

“Because you’ve been ripping off that poor bugger for fifteen years.”

“I have not, how dare you even suggest it?”

“I can suggest it because it’s true isn’t it but he was too soft to challenge it. I don’t know who the father is but it isn’t Maurice Ferguson.”

“Yes it is–I know it is.”

“I know it isn’t.”

“How can you know that? You weren’t there.”

“I didn’t need to be, you picked on the wrong drunken sailor.”

“What’ya mean?”

“Maurice is gay–he couldn’t get it up for you if you sprayed it with starch.”

“He’s not.”

“Also he’s no longer Maurice.”

“What he’s changed his name?”

“Yes, to Maureen. I think your son is going to have to make other plans, don’t you? And I’m serious about challenging your paternity claims. I have a very good firm of lawyers.”

“You bitch.” She said quietly and stood up in quite an aggressive manner.

“Please sit down Mrs Bromley, you’re not doing your blood pressure any good at all.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“I know exactly who I am, the Lady Catherine Cameron, but that wasn’t in doubt was it? I have to go now, I suggest you inform your son of your little subterfuge if you haven’t already, and I think a letter to the CSA or whoever acts as the go between in your maintenance arrangements explaining your mistake might be in order. I’ll be instructing my lawyers to do so anyway.” I stood up and walked out of the house, “Good day, Mrs Bromley.”

I left her sitting in her arm chair looking like she’d just stepped on a mine, and walked back to the car.

“Did you tell her?”

“I told her you were now called Maureen and where she could get off.”

“Blimey.”

“I could use a cup of something, let’s go and find a decent coffee shop.”

05Dolce_Red_l_0.jpg



If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos!
Click the Thumbs Up! button below to leave the author a kudos:
up
245 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

And please, remember to comment, too! Thanks. 
This story is 1563 words long.