CHAPTER 35
The way a morning should be, apart from the fact that it was me that had to drag her arse out of bed to put the kettle on. He was still adrift when I returned with the tea, and as I prodded him awake I realised he had a slight hangover.

“Come on, butt, back to the Smoke for you and a mid shift for me. I will have the usual breakfast ready in five minutes”

“Can’t we just have a fry up for once?”

“Only if you fancy Ginny hitting you with your own banjo. Come on, up and out.”

I picked up my dress, which was lying over a chair, and set my heels upright in the bottom of the wardrobe before returning to the kitchen. We finished breakfast, such as it was, Eric in his lycra as I sat in a nighty and dressing gown, before he was ready to make his move to the station. I had about an hour to go before I had to leave for work, so I saw him to the door as I was. I hugged him, and as he hugged me back I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. There was a moment, just an instant, when I could feel him tense up, and then he simply hugged me a little tighter.

He pulled back, then, and looked at me. “This is far from easy, you know. I am as straight as anyone I know, and you throw me off-balance. I don’t, I can’t return what you are feeling, it just isn’t in me.”

He stood and looked at me, arm still around my waist. “Look, Annie, I made you a promise last night. I will never walk away. Whatever happens, happens. If you go down this route, well, we will see what we see, and one thing is certain: you will change. I might change as well….fuck, I don’t know. You are confused, I am confused, who knows where we will end up, yeah? But no preconceptions, no great plans. Let’s just get you sorted”

I squeezed him again, and then he was off, and all I could do was rattle around for a while until I was myself on the road to work.

Jim was skipper that morning, Sam coming in for the afternoon shift, which meant I had an opportunity to collar both of them together. Dennis was already at the desk when I came in, and we worked down the list of clients together. Two more Customs cases awaiting transfer to prison after an earlier remand hearing, one drunk driver who had been left to sleep it off before his own hearing, one burglar brought down by a dog at three in the morning as he came out of an office building near Goff’s Manor. Nothing out of the ordinary, really, as the drunk was now off the ‘at-risk’ list and could be left without constant observation, always a pain. In a quiet moment, as we brewed up, Dennis asked me how it had gone.

“The bloods man?”

“Yeah. You had a meeting with that shrink as well, yeah?”

“Well, Den, what do you think my aim is here?”

“Pal, you want to become a woman, like”

I sighed a little. “Ah, that’s the complication, butt. You know, they have changed the term several times, for the surgery, aye? It used to be ‘change’, then they tried ‘reassignment’, but that didn’t quite work, so now they’ve come up with ‘confirmation’, and that sort of says it for me. Confirmation. I don’t want to change, or be reassigned, I just want to confirm who I am. Look, see that England rugby player, the one with the nose, what’s his name?”

“Mike Tindall?”

“Aye, right, Tindall. Now when he finishes playing, he might well get that nose repaired, aye? Is he still Mike Tindall with a new nose?”

“Of course, but that’s just putting him back the way he was”

“And if I go through with this, it’s just putting me back the way I should have been. In answer to your question, both meetings went very well. My blood work is fine, my general health is better than I expected, and I have what seems like complete support from both my shrink and my friends, so I have to ask, Den, are you one of my friends? I intend to collar both Inspectors this afternoon, so things will start to move, and a lot of shit will start to fall. You could catch some of it. If you want to step away at all, I will understand”

He was already shaking his head. “No, marra, I don’t do that. I said what I said the other day. I don’t really understand, I don’t really, if I’m honest, approve, but I don’t run away from a mate. Here’s my hand on that one”

“Thanks, Den, that means an awful lot. Come on, tea to be drunk, prisoners to beast”

“Aye, and a shitload of paperwork to get through. CPS, got to love them”

I was trembling a little after that, but as the day went on and he continued being his normal self, I relaxed, at least up until handover time between the two shifts. I had already told Jim that I needed a chat with him, and when Sam came on I took the opportunity to get them together in their office.

Sam just came directly to the point, as he usually did.

“So, you want to see both of us at once, then. I assume you are making some announcement about this gender thing. You are going for it, otherwise we wouldn’t be here, right?”

“Spot on, as ever. I have had my assessment, had my blood chemistry checks, had my general health stuff, and my therapist says she will support my decision. All I have to do now is get the prescription, and…..”

Jim was just as sharp. “As you will expect, I have done my own research. The internet, what a handy little bugger. I therefore assume we should see some physical changes over time, and then you will have to do that real life test thing, yes? Live as a woman for at least a year?”

“Essentially, that’s right. I have been getting my beard and other bits zapped for a while, but it is going to be a slow process. This is going to sound petty, but…permission to stop getting my hair cut?”

Sam laughed. “Oh, you cheeky fucker. You want to put pressure on yourself so you don’t wimp out, yeah? Get your hair long enough to make it obvious to everyone!”

I smiled. “Guilty, but to be honest, I really can’t stand wigs”

Especially the horrible nylon ones which were all I used to be able to afford. Back before it was all burned, all except Tabitha. Jim was still talking.

“At some point, you will need to tell the boys and girls, and that is probably best done at a time you choose. What you have to do now is make a formal statement on this up through us to the Super and above. When do you want to do that?”

“Today?”

“Not a good idea. You are all excited, we can both see that, and it would be a lot better for you, probably sound a lot better, if you give it some time. Look, go and type an e-mail out, then put it away for a few days, and read it again. Always the best way.”

Sam chipped in his own question. “Sgt Armstrong. How is he taking this? I gather he is aware”

“He is absolutely fine with it, Sam. I know at some point I will hit the bad stuff, but just now the only things that are hurting me are the nasties I already had.”

Jim gave Sam a quick nod, and Sam continued. “Look, Annie, here’s our suggestion. You get all the necessary documents done, your prescription filled, whatever it is, and start preparing that e-mail. In the meantime, we two will have a direct word with the Superintendant and start things going up the line. Have you spoken to the Federation rep yet?”

“No. Should I?”

“Fuck yes. Stop any fun and games dead before they start, that’s my philosophy. Now, piss off and abuse some prisoners, OK, but don’t leave any marks, the paperwork’s a bastard.”

That was the start of it at work, then, two hard men simply nodding and telling me to play nicely, and that was how it went. Den was noticeably distant, in that while he was still as friendly and helpful as ever, there was a clear expansion to the physical space he gave me. I decided to take that as a compliment, in that he would not crowd any other woman. The shifts, marched on, my prescription was written, I took them as the notes advised and steadily gathered my kit for Shrewsbury.

Yes, it was just like that. Dr Khan called me in, frowned at me and told me I was being unfair to him.

“You are one of the very few men I was reasonably in hope would be coming and seeing me on the Well Man programme, and now you are becoming a Well Woman, and that is just being a vindictive person!”

Then he smiled, shook my hand, and handed me the prescription.

“Either way, Miss Annie Price, I want to see you coming in this door often, so that I can be sure you are in as Well a health as we can imagine and manage, all right?”

And yes, it was out the door, into Addison’s, prescription filled and first dose taken standing by my bike in the open air. Off and running.