CHAPTER 24
“I thought we had that one sorted, Ginny”

“You know fine well we haven’t. You are rushing into all this now, and I am worried. You were slicing your life away piece by piece, and now you are getting ready to jump off a cliff. What is it Sally says? Pause, think?”

I almost resented her then. “I am rushing into nothing!”

“Annie, let’s backtrack a little bit. I commented about keeping your arse and moobs, and you didn’t bat an eyelid. I know no way of exercising or dieting specific parts of the body thin, but you just let a suggestion of giving you tits pass as if I was asking what to get in for the larder. There are two possible causes I can imagine for that, and neither is good”

“What are you saying?”

“You’ve either lost the plot, or you have decided that it doesn’t matter how things go because you don’t intend to be here for it”

That was a surprise. I had assumed she was up there with Sally, sharp, all-seeing, and I realised that she had her own blind spots. I pulled a hand up to kiss it.

“Listen, you, there are more ways in life than that. I don’t know if you can get what I mean, but there are a lot of ghosts in my past too, and I have hidden from them for years. Look…I read a lot of crap on the internet, stories, all sorts. You know I have my day dream, the one about the perfect change, aye? Well, that’s a popular sort of story on the net. No heartache, no lost friends, just convenient magic that makes you and everything else pretty and perfect. Bollocks, it is, but as a day dream it is perfect.

“There’s another sort, where someone gets trapped, caught, and of course they always deep down wanted it, and once again it’s all pretty and fluffy. Shush, I know it’s crap. Then there are the forced ones, where the bloke gets made into a girl, like, and of course he always wanted it, and that is a cop-out. What all that has in common is the removal of a need to make an actual decision, to do the shitty bit of getting it all dragged into reality”

I paused for a second, looking at how tight-lipped she was. “Look, there are a couple of different things going on here, aye? Firstly, things have indeed got a little out of my control, which is scary, but it is also a little bit like those stories. I am getting what I always wanted, but it is being done for me. Someone else is driving. Got that?”

She nodded, still moist in the eyes. “The other thing, Ginny, is something I’ve been trying to explain to you. I’m not letting it all go to ratshit because I don’t plan on seeing the outcome, quite the reverse. I felt it at Steph’s, I feel it now. It’s life at last, love, being alive. I just need to decide how I am going to live it”

“What, surgery and all that?”

“I don’t know, I really don’t. The endocrinologist is to see exactly where I stand, he doesn’t have to prescribe me anything, just let me know the reasonable options. We need to see how my liver is, for starters; I’ve given it a bit of punishment the last year or two, after all”

“Yeah, but…”

“No, but. I’m talking. Sally has laid it out for me, and there are all sorts of options. I just need time to sort them out, but I do know that I am not going backwards any more. And I have decided on my first next step, if you can excuse the shit grammar.”

“You are not going to work in a bra”

I looked at her until her mouth twitched enough to tell me she had been joking.

“You nearly had me, you cow. No…Steph has given me the idea, and it’s bye-bye blackbeard”

Ginny was crying again. I moved round the table to hug her, and she nearly crushed me.

“Look, Gin, I know it’s all seemed quick and careless, and it’s felt like that to me, but trust me, there are things I want to do and I intend to be around for them. I intend to be around for you too; I owe you my life. You know what they say about saving someone’s life, that you’re responsible for them, it must be the first time you’ve ever been responsible OW!”

I don’t care what people claim, being spanked hurts.

We talked on, after tea, as I tried to explain the feeling I had, the rush in a barrel to the edge of the falls, the way life had taken on its own momentum. I pressed her on ideas for tactics after we retired to bed.

“I have one big choice I have made, and one big choice I have to sort out. No, not that one.”

“You are at the really dangerous bit now, Annie, that’s why I am worried. It’s the crossover that’s the risk. ‘I thought you were just a good friend, not some tuppence licker dyke’ type thing. That’s where we lose the friends, right then.”

“Well, the first choice is the one I want support in. It’s the one I’ve made already, and we are doing it now. Ginny, when I am home I stop pretending, I am just myself, OK?”

“Annie full time at home? You already are”

“No, I mean really. I want to start changing my wardrobe a bit. Start seeing if I look the part. Start, well, dressing a little bit” Again. Getting some stuff to replace the things I purged so many years ago.

“Right…..and how do we gather these items? You going to walk into Debenhams and start trying on fucking frocks? I don’t think so!”

Neither did I. “No, but I know some women who I could ask”

“Right….and what is the other thing?”

“In a minute. If I start seeing how femme I look, I can see what work if any needs done, what chances I have of going any further. Small steps, love”

“ ‘Femme’? You really have been into this for a while, haven’t you?”

“No. I have BEEN this all my life. This is what Sally has brought out, this is what has been killing me, this is who I am”

“Annie, love, this is what I am frightened will get you killed”

“Oh, I know, Gin, but…..fuck it, I have to give it a try. Now, choice two. That is work. I have to decide what to do and it is a much riskier thing”

Ginny snorted. “A pair of Jimmy Choos wouldn’t go with the uniform code”

“What the hell do you know about nice shoes, Ginny?”

“Only what I like to see my women in….I mean woman”

“You are a perve!”

“Only in nice ways. Now, you were saying about work”

“Aye. I chatted with Steph for a bit, see how she did it, yeah? A bit different for her, it was, she works on a team, and they’re all as tight together as a duck’s arse, so she got them on side first. What she did do, though, was get her boss in right early. That is something I need to decide on. I don’t really have a team, just the others on the roster and the civvy staff and that, so I am considering having a word with Jim or Sam.

“Ginny, that’s the scary part. All of this, so far, someone else in the driving seat. The next bit…..the next bit is what you are frightened about, it’s where I succeed or find the world coming down on me.”

She hugged me to her, stroking my hair. “Not alone any more, though, are you?”

“No, love, not alone, and that does make all the difference. I will be talking to Sally, and Steph, and Stewie, but if you can give me a little support on the day I have a sort of plan”

I felt the giggle. “No, I do not intend to serve them both dinner in a dress, you daft girl! I just thought…well, have a pint somewhere quiet, sort of let them have an idea what’s going on, yeah?”

“And these two men, they will be all right with this, then?”

“I haven’t got a fucking clue! I just hope so. Look, they are good lads, aye? This is the point you worry about, love, this is where I take a risk. This is the big one”

She hugged me tighter, and I could feel her tears. “I promise you, really promise you, Gin, no more lost friends”

I did exactly as I had promised, and rang Sal and Steph the next day. Sally’s response was the usual set of sharp questions, and then a simple flat statement.

“Stewart comes with you. He gets protective at times, which could be useful”

Funnily enough, I got almost exactly the same answer from Stephanie, that Geoff would tag along.

“Let me guess: he can get protective?”

She laughed out loud. “Oh yes, broke his hand on some French git’s face once! He likes you, no, not like that, and he and Stewart are good mates. Besides, it’ll give him an excuse to make Stewie use his bike again”

I got through the next few work days, Dennis carrying more than his share, as I fretted about how to approach the two Inspectors I was trusting to carry this through. I checked the rosters, and in a fortnight’s time both were off. I collared them individually as they came on shift, and we settled on the Mucky Duck at Pease Pottage. Jim was intrigued, but Sam simply said that a pint was always a good thing in his books. The day came round, Stewie and Geoff met us at the foot of the draggy hill out of Crawley, and we were off. A mad sprint across the M23 roundabout, past the dive that is the motorway services, and over the bridge to the Black Swan. Jim and Sam were already there, having grabbed a table in the garden. We arranged some more chairs, and I was conscious of the two coppers scanning the four of us, looking for some sort of clue.

Ginny made the announcement. “ Ferrets for you, boys? Price, you can have a pint tonight. Ferret?”

“Yes please, girl. Boys, this is Jim, and Sam, and they are Inspectors at my nick. Gents, this is Geoff Woodruff, husband of a good friend, and Stewie McDuff. Stewie is married to my therapist. The psycho biker bitch is Ginny”

Sam smiled. “That rugmuncher living with you now?”

“The very one. Now, gents, we are out of work, so it will be easier for me to be as informal as we can…I know Sam is OK with that, and I trust you are too, Jim. OK?”

They both nodded. Where to start….”Look, this is a pile of shit, but I have to get through it. Can I ask for this to be in confidence, really for us only?”

Jim nodded. “Of course. So you are queer, then”

Ginny returned with the drinks. “No, but I am. Ah, here he comes, the spawn of Satan!”

Fuck me, Eric too? I gave Ginny a look, and she just mimed making a phone call.

I sighed. “Eric, Jim, Sam. Do we have this in confidence, gents, I need an answer, a promise on that one”

I got the nods.

“Where to start? Look, you both know why I came indoors. I have a simple diagnosis from my shrink, Stewie’s missus Sally, and that is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My worry about that has always been that it might cost me my job”

Sam chipped in. “It shouldn’t, but….they always look for ways to have a dig at staff, so you are possibly right. Hence the booze, yeah? Nightmares?”

Ginny shuddered. “Fucking big ones with teeth and claws and shit. I’m the one that gets kicked awake”

There was an exchange of glances, and Ginny sighed. “Look: me dyke, me like girly bits, and those shorts have got a trouser snake in them. So no, we aren’t. OK?”

I got back onto the horse. “Yes, Sam, the drink, the night horrors, but Ginny has worked wonders at that. Eric and other friends too, got me out of my pit and back to life, and Sally…”

Stewie interrupted, in a soft voice. “I know a little bit about PTSD myself, so I help out”

Jim looked at him. ”PBI?”

“No, bootneck. You?”

“Royal Anglians, mate. Pleased to meet you…ah, ah, I see, fucking hell, Adam. Yes, my mouth is closed on this one. Sam, we need some real help here. You in on this?”

“Course, Jim. But on what?”

“You telling all, Adam?”

I drew a few deep breaths. “Yes, I have to. Gents, there are other reasons for my stress problems, and I can’t think of any way to tell it in bits, or slowly, or whatever, without just coming out, and oh shit, that is exactly it, it’s coming out”

Sam was nodding. “Yeah, makes sense now, the new bloke did ask which way he swung, and….look, mate, I don’t give a fuck, OK?”

Jim actually started to laugh. “If I have guessed right, you are so far off you must be on Satnav! Sam, get some more beers in and we’ll get this thrashed out. Ginny, he needs another pint, just this once”

Sam went off with Eric in support, and Jim looked at me with real sympathy.

“Melanie Stevens, yes? You are like she was, yeah?”

I felt the tears. “Yeah, I am”

“No biggy. Well, it is, but you know what I mean. Stewie, I remember you now, at her funeral and the trial. You had an accident with some people afterwards, yes?”

The smile he gave was frankly terrifying. “Yes. I plan to have some more of those if they ever get parole.”

“I didn’t hear that, lad. Now, how the fuck do we explain this one to the nick? And shall we tick all the boxes, then? What’s your other name?”

“Annie”

“Well, Annie, welcome to a world of shit. Ah, here’s the beer. Sam, time to meet a new friend. Sam, Annie, Annie, Sam”

“Ah. Fuck. Em. What the hell, hello Annie”