CHAPTER 58
I heard him singing in the kitchen, something silly and happy, and I waited until he brought me a very naughty bacon sandwich and a cuppa.

“Decided what you are going to wear tonight?”

“Sports. Too much of a drama if I turn up with cleavage. Anyway, Kirsty has that role cornered. Time for me to go sort-of-stealth. I mean, by tomorrow there’ll hardly be anyone in the nick who doesn’t know, but at least I can make it easier on them”

“OK, but be careful, yeah?”

The first hint I had that the word had got round was when I arrived in the locker room, and there was a scramble, it seemed, of lads trying to get out as quickly as possible. Den had clearly heard the news, however, and I got a cheerful “Hiya, Annie!” as I came on.

“Quiet night so far. Hope it stays that way for you”

“Oh, I dunno, goes quicker with a bit of work, aye?”

The work duly arrived at one in the morning, as yet again my little pit-bull brought in a stroppy customer, this time with the help of PCs Costello and Murphy. They had a shed robber, caught loading a petrol mower into a van that already contained six bikes. I started the custody procedure, and the punter started to play up with a tiring lack of originality.

“Fuck me, it’s a fucking sheepshagger!”

Kirsty leant forward. “This is your early morning alarm call, Mr Dawson, your warning under section 5 Public Order. Swear again, and we add that to the list, this time in sound and vision”

“What, you a dyke too, this your girlfriend?”

I was gratified, in the oddest way, but Costello was having difficulty hiding a snigger. I got through the necessaries, and Jim set Inspector’s Bail some time later, after the interview. Costello and Murphy were back from the rest room by then, each with a mug of tea, Kirsty bringing me one. Peter was as direct as ever.

“What’s this rumour you’re getting your cock chopped off, Sarge? I know that ex of yours gave you a slapping, but isn’t that a bit of an extreme reaction?”

“What rumour have you heard, Pete?”

“Er, that you want to wear a dress and stuff, and that you’ve hooked up with some leather biker queen. Either that or it’s that giant carrot-top woman you had living with you”

“Where the hell did you get the idea my other half is a leather queen, Pete? Never mind a biker!”

“Well, it’s what everyone’s saying. Nev said you got a boyfriend”

“Kirst, how much of what he has come out with is bollocks?”

“Most of it, Annie”

That brought a gasp from Murphy and a twitch from Costello. Kirsty continued.

“The bit about wanting to wear a dress, for example. Pete, she doesn’t want to wear dresses, she WEARS dresses. Bit boring, like, but definitely dresses. And Eric is a cyclist, not a biker”

Ian muttered “Eric. Oh fuck”

I sighed. “Look, lads, it’s a long story, but this is the way I always have been, aye? That is why I fell so hard with the stress, and came indoors. I’ll be changing to myself steadily from now on, and I am sorry if you are going to have a problem with that, but it’s either do it or snuff it, aye?”

Ian was still muttering. “Yeah, but, wouldn’t it be easier just to go and get pissed?”

“Been there, done that, didn’t work”

Peter was far from happy. “Not right, not natural”

“Careful, Pete, you are starting to sound like those arseholes who chased that girl off the bridge, aye, and that is not company anyone should wish to keep”

He actually blushed at that jibe, but it was clear that as two of the station’s ‘men’s men’ they were not comfortable with me. Their choice, life goes on. Ian made one last try.

“But…what are we going to call you?”

I smiled. “Sergeant normally works, I think. OK, job done here, see you at handover if not before. Thanks for the cuppa, Kirst. I’ll let you know how Darren’s getting on tomorrow night”

Off they went, three of Crawley’s finest, allegedly. I resolved to watch myself a little around the two boys. Jim duly bailed the burglar, who then proceeded to complain about being unable to get home without his van, and when the refusal to give it back finally penetrated his skull, he had the cheek to ask for one of the bikes. In the end, he set out for Tilgate on foot, still complaining about injustice. Jim called me into his office.

“Pushing ahead, Annie?”

“Yeah…sort of slipped out to Nev, after last night, and, well, I decided that as it will have to come out it might as well be sooner”

“You are determined to go ahead, then?”

“I have no choice, love”

That brought a funny spasm of his face, and he sat in silence for a few seconds, obviously trying to put everything into context.

“Look, Jim, I am not going to appear in a skirt tomorrow night. Uniform is uniform. What I may do, though, is wear something more comfortable”

“Sorry?”

Men. “Tits, Jim, they need a bit of room, and as they are still growing they are more than a little tender.”

“Oh. What are you wearing now? I thought it was a T-shirt under your uniform.”

“It is made to look like one, but it’s actually a sports bra. I chose it so there wouldn’t be straps and that to be seen, aye?”

Another poor man left shaking his head, but at least I knew he was on my side.

The rest of the shift was reasonably quiet, which was astonishing for a Saturday night, and as I walked out with my bike for the ride home I caught more than a few stares. Sally had warned me, it would never be easy. I woke Eric up the nice way again, and confirmed he was off to see Darren and Geoff. He was a little apologetic.

“I won’t be around when you go to work tonight. They are all off to the folk club, so I thought I’d tag along. I won’t be back until you’ve gone, but I have made a pot of soup, and there’s some rolls in the bread bin. Oh, and I saw a couple of houses that don’t look half bad. I’ll talk you through them when you rejoin the world. I‘ll also need to be off first thing in the morning, so it will be a quick snog and out of the door.”

We were cuddled together under the duvet, his finger idly tracing the shape of my left nipple, which was both presumptuous and rather nice, so I asked him about the job process.

“Sifting this week. Got rather a good CV, if I say so myself”

“So looking hopeful?”

“Oh yes. I suppose I should wait until after the interview before we celebrate”

“Perhaps till after the acceptance letter?”

“Well, why not just celebrate anyway?”

He tweaked my nipple, which was even nicer, and it ended up with me doing something particular for him for the first time, and, well…Sally was right. Straight as an arrow. I missed him when I woke, but his smell was still there, in the pillow and the sheet, and I dressed for the ride after his soup and rolls with an occasional smile of memory. That night I would be in ‘pretty’ and not sporty, and as the straps would show through my shirt it would be another step off another cliff. It would also mean that changing in the locker room would be a most definite no-no.

Den noticed as soon as I walked in, and offered to hang my stuff in the locker room after I had changed in one of the search rooms.

“Thanks, butt”

“Kirsty says you wound a couple of the lads up, Annie”

“Yeah, well, it was yet another punter seeing me as a woman, and I got a little carried away, aye?”

“Aye, but be careful. They might not be as bad as the ones who killed Mel Stevens, but there is plenty of hate around. Keep me informed, Annie. Talk to Kirst if there are any problems, and I will deal with that side of the roster. Now, gie’s your key and I’ll get the stuff from the locker. No, Annie, no. You’ve come out from cover, don’t give them any ammunition. I can see what you are wearing, and so can they.”

“The mascara a bit thick?”

“You haven’t put on…oh, you haven’t, you are just trying to give me a bloody heart attack”

I led him over to the search room and grinned. “Just be happy for me. This is what I have run from all my life, so if I go a little silly, please understand”

“I do, trust me. Can you do me a favour, then? Keep a secret, wish me luck?”

“Course I can”

“I want to ask Kirsty…”

He took a couple of breaths.

“I’ve bought a ring. Am I being stupid?”

I looked around; nobody else in sight.

“No, Den, you aren’t”

I kissed him on the cheek, and he only flinched a little.