CHAPTER 87
There was a pub round the corner, and I watched Merry as she walked with us. There were hints in there of the young girl I remembered fuming when her favourite bra and three pairs of knickers had disappeared from the washing line.

No, I hadn’t taken them; I had told the truth about that. I had watched them swing in the wind, though, and dreamt in utter futility.

It was a Brains pub, and for an instant I fantasised about doing a zombocalypse ride with such an apt destination, but concentrated instead in getting some drinks in. Merry looked askance at my pint, but I was more interested in her double vodka and orange, a half pint of the juice.

“What? I don’t like the taste, never have! Now, you have a story to tell, and I require details. Prurience is important.”

We had moved seating arrangements, and Eric was now back in his normal and preferred position with his thigh pressed against mine and his hand on my knee. I started from the beginning, as good stories never do. I tried to skate over the story of Chantelle, but Merry stopped me and made me go back over it, her lips thin and eyes hard. There were questions, but not the ones I had been expecting, about abominations and perversions.

“That woman you married, then. What was that all about?”

“It seemed to make sense at the time, Merry, but it was really still about keeping Dad happy, aye? His little sissy boy was really a man after all”

“But you knew better…”

I couldn’t help it, and almost glared at her. “I have known that all my life. Every single day of it, ever since I could understand my own thoughts. I was so, so jealous of you. Everything I ever wanted, you had”

I took her hand in mine. “That wasn’t a complaint about you, Merry. Just that God seemed to have it in for me”

“God never has it in for anyone, Annie. It is just that sometimes we are slow to appreciate His reasons. Your young girl, for example. She has now brought joy to several people, am I right?”

And that justifies her repeated rape and the destruction of her childhood? No, Miriam, I won’t lose my temper, you are what you are. I screwed those thoughts down, and left a smile behind in their place.

“Shan is making great progress, I hear, but it will be a long time before she is socialised, as Polly puts it. She has learnt so much inappropriate behaviour that she can’t just be dropped into more normal society. Darren, on the other hand---Darren is a treasure, aye. There is a depth to his character that astonishes me”

“Yes, so it would appear. And you consort with lesbians as well, so that would confuse any child”

Elaine snorted half her beer up at that one, and Merry looked across at her.

“Oh, I know of you and your partner, Inspector Powell”

“Wife, please”

“Partner. Marriage is for man and woman, says the Scripture. But that is not my point. Does such an arrangement confuse the child?”

I thought back, and realised that most of what Chantelle had seen of my friends was heterosexual in the extreme, a few birth defects to the contrary.

“No, I don’t think so. Anyway, if you are so orthodox about my friends in comfortable shoes---drink your beer, Elaine, don’t breathe it, aye? If you throw Scripture at them, what about Eric and myself?”

I noticed the Woodruffs hanging on that one. Merry just sniffed.

“So you are not a woman, then?”

There was a smile there, now, and I realised that the old Merry was all present and correct, the sharp wit and nitpicking intellect to the fore. I couldn’t do anything other than embrace her, and there were tears. She sat upright again as we separated.

“Now, we have to consider our options and our obstacles. Mam can be brought around. That’s her Aunty Esther, her father’s sister. She was always concerned about her dolls, but not like her father was. We then have the problem of the Bevans, her mother’s side. That is going to be much harder, aye, Annie dear? Uncle Thomas and Uncle Arthur will be very hard work. I shall have to do some preparation for you.”

“What about the cousins?”

“Ah. Leah and Myfanwy I can handle. It will be John and James that require some care. Annie, I must think on this, and do so without the benefit of two double vodkas in my circulatory system. How long are you here for?”

“We have a week. There will be cycling, and those two want to go and play with ropes on the cliffs, and at some point we will be summoned to Fishguard for a visit to some other friends, Elaine’s family, aye?”

“I see. Then I shall do my best in what time you have, and pray for uncommon sense to prevail over the brute stupidity of the male mind. Now, I have a favour to ask. I am rather tipsy, and the use of your hotel room for some restorative sleep would be most appreciated”

“I have a clean nighty if you wish…”

She laughed, and it was a happy one. “There was I thinking you had stolen my intimate apparel, and here am I taking yours. An odd world, my dear Annie”

She snored. We went back to the pub and had a proper lunch, which included chips. I felt I deserved them.

The next day we left the mad pair to their lunacy and made our way in Elaine’s car over to Fishguard, where boxes were to be ticked and I assumed beer was to be drunk. I offered a silent prayer to the god of diets and dress sizes, as this was proving to be a rather damaging session for both. They were waiting in some old pub called the Oak, and Arwel and Alice seemed to be surrounded by family, and there was once again a serious over-supply of beef. Arwel was as expansive as ever.

“Annie, this is Twm and Sioned, Sarah’s parents, and the rest I can’t be arsed to introduce. They will talk to you if they feel like it, aye? Pint?”

All I will say is that I am glad Elaine was driving, as Eric and I had difficulty keeping up with the old monster, his son, and what seemed like half the pub. What I do remember is watching the interplay between the generations, and the complete acceptance of Alice as just another older woman, one of the family, with a rather impractical taste in shoes and a nice line in simple Welsh. It was almost painful; this was all I wanted from what was left of my family, the unconscious accommodation they made for each other’s quirks, the in-jokes and laughter, the way Alice and Sioned conspired with each other as if sisters born.

Twm collared me for a few minutes as I went to the bar.

“How is my Sarah in that foreign country she insists on inhabiting?”

“From what I can see, she is as happy as a happy thing. She has a lovely boy, he is helping a young friend of mine”

“Aye, Sarah told me about the boy, and that girl. Duw, lass, how can men do that to children? To anyone? Is there hope for her, do you think?”

“Polly, her social worker, seems to think so. She spoke of having someone in mind as a fosterer when she has healed some more”

Twm smiled. “That won’t be my girl, she is too fierce in her love. I always thought of her as the soft one, compared to her sister, but no, there is real Powell steel there, aye? Now, you are like her, yes?”

I sighed. “Yes, I am what they call a transwoman”

He nodded again. “Like my sister in law, and my daughter, and that mad ginger woman that Hywel used to try and avoid. We have some experience, aye?”

“How do you do it, Twm? How do you work, as a family, being so accepting? I don’t know what to do with mine. That’s why I am here, aye? To try and get them to listen. I want them at my wedding, I don’t want it just to be friends. A woman should have her people to stand with her”

Twm nodded. “It took an ultimatum from my girls to make me see sense. Arwel was easier for her; he just sort of grunted and said ‘Aye, and so what?’. I think…look, I do not know your family, aye, but it is up to you. Your cousin can only do so much, and in the end they have to be given a choice, and you have to be strong in your will and your heart, girl. They can have you alive or dead. Dead in the flesh, or dead to them as family. I know how my Sarah suffered, and I will not see that in another. I see in your eyes that you will not be dead in the flesh, I see it in your young man. If I can see that, so will they”

He was right, I realised. My life had to continue, I had Eric to think of now. Either they came with me, or I cut them loose. I found myself praying that Miriam could do the trick.