CHAPTER 22
He was just behind me, looking embarrassed.

“Mate, I’m sorry, I was bringing you a cuppa, and sort of overheard. I can keep my gob shut if you want, but I also do a good listen”

Fuck. “I have a few of those already, Eric, but I suppose another can’t hurt”

“OK. Who knows already? I assume we are talking about you changing sex, by the way”

“Yes, butt, exactly that. That was my therapist on the phone, and Ginny knows, and Kate obviously, and probably everyone in the room back there apart from Den”

“Steph…I see”

“Yes indeed”

“You got five minutes to bring me up to speed, or should I just fuck off now?”

“You don’t have a problem with this?”

“Why? Should I?”

“I am a strange pervert, a freak, all that sort of thing?”

“Listen, mate, I play the banjo! And considering the sort of people we keep company with, being a girl isn’t that high on the sliding scale of oddity”

I gave him the condensed version, and then he stepped forward and hugged me.

“What do we call you in private, then? It’s a traditional sort of question”

“Annie.”

“OK, Annie, I will try to remember. I would give Steph a poke about her pronouns, though”

“You noticed too? What about Dennis?”

“Ah, I think he was more interested in the teenager’s arse than what Steph was saying. Here, take your cuppa and let’s get back in”

Sally would have to know, but I was feeling as if the world was turning into a waterfall with me in the traditional barrel. Events were taking on a life and wilfulness of their own. It was odd, but I almost felt good about that; if I needed to change my life it was a lot simpler if I didn’t have to make those first steps myself.

We finished off the session with some blistering playing, but Steph seemed to have stamped her authority. Hear me, ye lesser players, and tremble. She had intimidated the hell out of me, she knew it, and she was gracious enough to let it slide. What we worked at after that was largely rhythm, and number of bars.

“48 bars, Adam, Eric, that’s enough to work through most dances enough times before the punters get bored with it, and to give everyone a chance to lead one of the four couple ones. Unless it’s Stoke Golding, of course”

Eric bit. “Why that one?”

“Every newbie wants to strip the willow, and that’s one of the simplest dances with it in, but they always go over time on it, so the dance just peters out when the music ends.”

“And the buggers don’t care?”

“Nope, too busy having fun”

We packed it all up in the end around nine, after coffees and biscuits served by the tweedy Naomi, and then Eric rode with Dennis and me as far as Three Bridges station, where the three of us parted company. I rode back to my place pensive, to find Ginny sitting in bed with a mug of cocoa reading, Tabby waiting on my pillow in her night dress.

“How did it go, Annie?”

“Bitch. You know exactly how it went”

She snorted. “That good, hey?”

I sighed, as theatrically as I could manage. “The girl has some small talent which I may be able to help her develop”

“Yup, chewed you up and spat you out then. Thought so”

I started to giggle, and flopped onto the bed as she put her cup down, cuddling up to her with my head on her shoulder and Tabby in my arms.

“Love, thank you for being here for me, both of you”

“What are friends for, Annie?”

“You are more than that, and you know it”

“Well, kid, just stay with us then, OK? No more stupidity. Mind you, asking you not to be stupid is a bit unrealistic, I suppose…”

“Eric knows”

I felt her twitch. “And?”

“Steph stuffed up, called me ‘she’, and Eric picked up on it. Then he overheard when I had a chat with Sal. He seems fine with it. I’m not worried, just letting you know he is now in the loop”

“Get yourself ready for bed, mate, and we’ll talk”

I did the necessaries, slipping my own night dress over my head. I gave it a sniff as I did so, and realised I needed to do some shopping. I couldn’t manage on just the one or two items. That thought froze me; I was seriously and calmly considering shopping for women’s clothes for myself. Shit. The can of worms opened by Sally and the rest was turning into Hydra.

I climbed into bed next to Ginny, and resumed my comfortable enfolding in her arms, her heartbeat slow beneath my ear.

“Talk me through it, Annie, please”

I walked her through the day, and got more than a few giggles.

“So, you played that party piece of yours, the one where you do everything through the flute except fart, and then she pissed all over you?”

“She showed me a different interpretation”

“She had you for breakfast! Admit it!”

I had to grin. “Seriously? She is frighteningly talented, but I really felt her lift me up. It was like she was carrying me with her. I am very rusty, Gin, but I think I can get some real zing back if I play regularly with her”

“How does that make you feel?”

“What are you, Sally’s understudy? It makes me feel alive. More than that, it makes me WANT to be alive. I look at that family and I want that, I want that love, the acceptance.”

I snuggled in a bit deeper. “Steph has given me some pointers…”

“Such as?”

“Well, for starters a card from a friendly place to sort of solve the beard problem”

“Thank fuck for that, you are prickly in the morning”

“And you don’t like hairy girls….”

“I love Kate, so the question never arises. Let’s snuggle down and get some sleep, OK? You have work then shrink tomorrow”

We spooned up as we normally did, her long arms wrapped around me from behind as I cuddled my other friend, and to my astonishment the next thing I knew was my alarm. I think that was when I knew I must be doing the right thing at last. No alcohol, no nightmares, just sleep and warm cuddles.

The working day was pretty uneventful, though I did manage to tease Dennis about the way the women had clustered round him. He pretended to buff his nails. In a quiet moment, he asked me about the family.

“They are friends of my therapist, Den. Sally thought we would get on, and it helps with the dance thing. No big deal.”

“Well, the girl is a bit bloody distracting, though. Seriously, Adam, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve been great ever since I came down here. You’ve not just looked after me in a new station, you’ve taken me out, introduced me to your friends, all sorts of stuff. It’s just….well, you just don’t seem to know any girls who aren’t married, gay or jailbait”

“I think Kelly’s legal…”

“And you think I would? Well, if she was at least ten years older, oooooh yes, but no, she’s a kid”

He sighed. “I knew it would go like this. I had to drop everything up there. The girlfriend went off once the press started getting to the arsehole stage, and it’s been a while…Look, you are the only fucking person I can share this sort of thing with, and you are a bloke who likes other blokes. How fucked up is that?”

That is when I nearly cracked, nearly reached out to hug him, but Sally’s ‘pause/think’ command was still fresh. I squeezed his shoulder instead, holding back from the need to soothe his loneliness away.

“Ah, Den, life is just not that simple. One day I might try and explain things to you, but my life is screwed up enough at the moment. You are a good bloke, butt, and people see that. Give it time, you’ll be beating the crumpet off with your asp. Just remember, whenever you need an ear, I will be there, OK?”

“Thanks pal, and I mean that. Just pity you aren’t a lass, is what I would say. You’d make a good one, you care about folk”

“Aye well. Now, we have some more rides coming up, you interested? Beer will most definitely be involved!”

Subject changed. Far too bloody close for comfort. I looked at him to see if he was trying to tease out my secret, but there was nothing there. That statement, though, gave me hope, and after work I ran it past Sally at our session together.

“He is either fishing, or simply speaking the truth, Annie. If he is fishing, he will bring it up again.”

“Yeah, well, it’s enough of a worry with Eric knowing”

“Explain”

I ran her through the previous night’s events.

“You think he has a problem?”

“Not at all, he told me I always rode like a big soft girly girl, and now he knows why. It was very much ‘so what?’ ”

“And you say you nearly told all to Dennis. How does it make you feel, now that others know?”

“Like things are going to happen, that I want to happen, and they are doing so without my needing to do anything”

“And how does that make you feel?”

Terrified. Ecstatic. “Frightened, but somehow, I don’t know, relieved? Like there’s a door opening ahead of me?”

Sally laughed. “Steph talked about a door closing behind her, bricking it up and plastering over it. Got a bit carried away with her metaphor, she did. How’s your sleep? Ah, that says it all.”

She leant forward to squeeze my knee. “That is the biggest smile I have ever seen you give. Annie, just remember, everyone finds their own way. Surgery may not be right for you, many things may be the wrong option, but we can explore all of those as we go. What I said to you last night stands. You have crossed that hurdle and know who you are, and it shows.

“We have our goal now. All we have to do is find out the best way for you to get where you need and want to go. Your life, your choices. You OK with that?”

Oh indeed I was.