CHAPTER 34
“The next step? That is largely up to you.

Now, I know damned well that both of you will have been reading everything you can find, so I am not going to get super-detailed. Annie, the only thing that really lies in your hands now, the main thing, is timing. You are the only person who can judge that, who can work out the hows and whens of, say, your work. I will be here to talk to you, obviously, but to start things off I will drop a note to Dr Khan for the mechanics. Now, Annie, can you piss off for a bit while I talk to Eric?”

That was a surprise, but I filled in my time reading the obligatory three year old copy of Country Life that was sitting in the waiting room. Eric appeared again after about half an hour, looking thoughtful.

“And?”

“She wanted a second opinion”

“From you?”

“Yeah…wanted to know what I thought of you without you listening in”

“And what do you think of me, butt?”

“That you are a mate, and I am glad you don’t snore. Look, are we going for this festival thing, properly? I just had a few thoughts…if we take a two-man tent, we get more room for instruments and stuff”

I tried to read his face, but only his mouth was talking just then. No tells. “What do you mean? The Woodruffs said they could carry stuff, remember? No need for anything on the bikes apart from some basics. So why the sudden sociability?”

That one produced a reaction, a little tension in the jaw line. “OK, it is another thing I am worried about. Look, what happens if you have some night horrors in a tent on your own, eh? From what I have seen, and what Ginny says, you sleep better with company, and I think it stops you getting fully into the dreams. At the cost of your baby sitter getting a few kicks and slaps, of course”

“I don’t lash out, do I?”

“You thrash a bit, yeah. I just thought, you know, it might be a bit embarrassing on a crowded camp site. I just thought I’d, you know, try and be a bit tactful…”

“You mean ‘lie’, aye?”

“Er, yeah…”

He looked a little redder at that one, and I let him off the hook, riding back companionably to my place and then spending a while on the internet to confirm our tickets for both the festival and the trains. It was a date. That thought brought what felt like a cramp to my mind, where I was confronted by the brutality of real life. It was like my daydream, a delight to live through and a permanent knife to my soul as I remembered that such things were fantasies. Yes, as Steph had intimated, I was presented with my new life and my eyes opened fully. It wasn’t quite a Pauline moment, no Damascus, but I was seeing what my life should be more clearly than ever before. I knew what I wanted, and it was a man, and he was called Eric. The stupid thing was that my awakening had been caused by another man entirely, and in neither case was I at all equipped to do anything about it.

There was another aspect, I realised, and that was Eric’s friendship. He cared deeply for me, as a friend, but he was male and straight, I was male as far as eye and hand would ever tell, and that was too much to expect. I knew exactly what he would do, and there would be no backlash, but it would be the sadness of a good friend who could be no more. There are no magical transformations, no nanobots. Just drugs and pain, and a sort of attempt at the genie’s work using not a lamp but a scalpel.

I must have drifted off into a longer silence than I realised, because the next thing I knew he was putting a cuppa in front of me.

“Penny for them?”

“Oh, mate, I don’t know. Just…all this, it’s just so much, aye? I know what I want, but I can never have it, because, well, life’s just not started right. What’s that saying, you can’t get there from here? That’s me, my life, aye? I have dreams, not those things in the night, but proper ones, nice ones and I feel, I dunno, I feel robbed”

He smiled. “That teenager comedy sketch, where all he says is ‘It’s not FAIR!’ “

“Yeah, well, it isn’t. What are we doing, Eric?”

“Well, that was part of Sal’s chat. Look, you don’t exactly hide it well, you know? Wanting to jump me…”

He was beetroot red as he spoke. I spoke as gently as I could, but the tears were waiting to make an appearance, so I had to be steady.

“Eric, yes. That is a bit of a problem for me. Even admitting that sort of thing…shit, what am I? Here I am admitting I fancy another bloke”

“But you are not a bloke, Annie”

“Oh fuck it, you know what I mean. This is a bloke I am living in, there’s no fire escape I can duck out of. You are amazing, you know that? Here we are, in a shitty situation that neither of us can really handle, and you stay, you don’t run away.”

“You are a good mate, Annie. I know you for what you are, and you have never disappointed me. You care for people, you must be the most honest copper I have ever met. I mean, even that Den, with his history, there’s something extra there, something hidden. Your problems are all from doing your job, and from doing your best to be what your dad wanted. Look, mate, I will never, ever walk away from you, got that? That is the only promise I will make”

I had no choice, my body was on automatic, and I shuffled over to him and let him take the hint and hug me. He chuckled.

“There is only one solution, then. Supermarket run, makings of a Chinese meal, bottle of vino, some junk food for later, and some trashy film or other. In other words, see if we can undo in a night all Ginny has achieved these last months, OK?”

“Fine, I have some panniers that will fit your tourer”

“What about your bloody Galaxy? Why am I doing the lugging?”

“Who’s the bloke here?”

“Sodding hell, you learn fast! Which film?”

“Hmmm….Dawn of the Dead, new version, followed by Zombieland?”

“You old romantic. Hang on, isn’t that the one with the banjo?”

“Might be…”

An hour later we were back with our purchases, and throughout the trip Eric had teased and joked, only occasionally becoming serious as we passed the racks of clothing and I started to look at something too obviously. I sorted out the shed, and he dragged in our supplies.

“OK, Annie, I’ll get things prepped while you get showered and changed, then I can use the shower before we cook”

“Changed?”

He smiled at me. “Changed. This is your evening. We have started out on your new life today, so off you go. Not something you’ll spoil if you dribble on it, though.”

I stood under the shower a few minutes later, passing my new razor over my legs once more. Mates. There were far worse things to have. With each stroke of the blade, it seemed, my mind cleared. If I could have no searing romance, no passionate gasps in the night, I had a chance now of at least part of my dreams. I felt like a pendulum, swinging from one state to another. One minute I was ready to give up at the lack of a chance for my bodice to get ripped, the next I was counting my blessings and feeling lucky, for I was.

I towelled myself dry, carefully over my legs, and slipped back into the same dress I had picked the other day. This time, though, I added the modest heels that Kate had given me, and clearly on Ginny’s advice they were slingbacks. No hair, no bosom, nevertheless I replayed Eric’s words. A new life, it started that day.

I leant him some shorts and a T-shirt to change into after his shower, and soon we were cooking, rice, and battered pork, and splashes of soy sauce as the extractor whirred away to clear the kitchen’s air, and he never stopped taking the mickey as for the first time ever in company I heard the sound of my own heels.

The food was good, the wine was decent, and the films were everything we wanted. I pushed it a bit, but we did end up with me slumped against him as the little dog ran across and the gun dealer got bitten. I muttered, half to myself,

“Ah, shoot ‘em in the head! It’s the only way to be sure”

“Annie, you are conflating Cameron with Raimi. I think that is the point you need to sleep”

That night, he was with me from the start. No dreams.