CHAPTER 16
We retired to the easy chairs and sofa, Kate curling up in Ginny’s lap, with some rather nice coffee brought by the McDuffs.

I had noticed that all evening, except when my surname was used, I was Annie, and I had an odd paranoid moment where I imagined they were trying to turn me into someone I wasn’t. I realised, of course, that it was simply that they had decided to talk to me directly. It was an odd feeling, as I knew exactly what I looked like and hearing the name I had yearned for was bittersweet. I heard it, and my heart leapt, and my stomach churned. The word said so much that I could only dream of. There are no genies in lamps, no magic spells, no tiny robots. Earlier in my life I might have been able to look as I felt, but Dad had beaten that chance out of me. I did wonder, at times, how he might have behaved if my brother had survived to come home as Dad’s proxy warrior, but that was as much of a fantasy as my day dream.

“Oy!”

Ginny had apparently been talking to me for some time, but I had drifted away from the room, from my friends. I realised I was already including the McDuffs in that term, which choked me up for an instant. There was life in these four, life and love, and though I blessed whatever it was that had brought me such people I knew I could never live as they did. It was just like window-shopping had been: all the temptations and no chance ever to buy into their world.

“Are you falling asleep, Price, on THIS coffee?”

“No, Gin, just thinking”

“About?”

“Stuff. Life.”

“Well, share some of it?”

“Not tonight, love, aye? Just a bit too heavy for a nice evening like this one is”

Sally nodded. “We have another session due next week, and I have a few things I would like to talk over. I’ll have a word with my friend, too, and get you some sheet music for that thing I mentioned.”

Kate interrupted. “And don’t forget the Friday night ride and party!”

She gave a little wriggle into Ginny’s comfortable embrace. “Price….you are flying solo tonight, but we are still here for you”

Sally and her husband said good night a little later, and I left the girls to settle into the other bedroom. Tabitha was waiting for me, in another new night dress, a present from Kate, and after I had done my teeth I put on my own and settled down in a bed suddenly much larger than I was used to. I pulled her to me, my oldest friend, and tried to settle down to my day dream of magical change, realising that the dream was almost as old a friend as she was.

From the green glow of the bedside clock, it was about three when Melanie woke me. It was worse now, as I knew her name. Ginny was by the bed as I came to sitting bolt upright, Kate coming in with a damp cloth to wipe down the sweat that was all over my face. I picked up Tabby and held her to me, and without any warning from my own body I burst into tears. Wordlessly, the taller girl slipped under the covers and held me to her, while the smaller muttered “Good job we got that shag in…” and got in on the other side to do the same.

I slept the rest of that night with my three best girls.

Work came round again, and I started a run of shifts that would finish just early enough to let me get up to London for the Friday ride. It was a bit of a meat-processing place for those few days, with more than normal numbers of drink drivers, and a small outbreak of Faginism run by a sweet little old lady with the vocabulary of a squaddie.

“Do you understand what this Officer has said?”

“Don’t fuck me about, you fat cunt, just get my fucking brief down here, and let me have a fag!”

Fuck you too. “Sorry, it’s a non-smoking building, by law, and we’re a bit partial to the rule of law here. Search and property, please”

Why does anyone need to carry three mobile phones? We had three of her runners in as well, the youngest only nine, and I had to chivvy Social Services up for the Appropriate Adult before I could go any further with them. That took time, of course.

“Three? Why three? Can’t you just put them in one room and use just the one adult?”

Oh, don’t be so thick. It was one of those shifts where you feel more antipathy for those allegedly on your own side than for the scrotes. Bloody typical. Kate was off now, working on the new house while Ginny stayed with me and commuted by train and folding bike, and I felt dreadfully guilty about the way I was keeping them apart. I looked at Stewie’s number a couple of times, but held off from calling him. Not just yet, not till I had a clearer idea of where I was going.

That was the issue. I was definitely at a remove from the constant refrain that my mind had dinned into me over the last few years, the assumption that nothing was worth doing because I wouldn’t be around to do it, but there was nothing to replace it as a focus, which is a truly inappropriate word. What was I doing? Ginny had made me get rid of my beard as well as a steadily increasing proportion of my body mass, but just as I had thought when we had done our dress ‘shopping’, if she was looking for me to start any form of ‘transition’, then she was absolutely up the wrong tree.

The working week was finally drawing to a close, as Thursday’s late shift wound down. The next evening I would be going straight from work to the station and up to Victoria for the ride back down to the coast. Jim was on shift that evening.

“Adam, a word?”

I popped round to his little cubicle of an office, and found another sergeant there, someone I didn’t recognise.

“Adam, this is Dennis Armstrong, just moved into the area on transfer. I’m giving him a few shifts with you to get the feel of the station before he joins a relief. Dennis, Adam Price”

He stood, about six two or three, and we shook hands. “Where from, Dennis?”

“Northumbria, Adam. Northumberland itself; I was at Cramlington for a while, then Fenham in the toon. Had a few problems up there, and decided to see if I could see a bit more of the country, like.”

He had an accent, definitely a geordie, and it was like warm butter. The voice was baritone, not quite bass, and his handshake was strong and dry. Dark hair, dark eyes and a smile that showed a dimple each side as he flashed his teeth….what the hell? I remembered that comment from Sally after my joke about Elvis, and realised that I was in a dangerous, dangerous place right then.

“Why not the Met?”

“That bunch of arseholes? Never in a million years, Adam! I wouldn’t pi–no, let’s just say that I have standards”

Jim was grinning happily. “Ah, sweet music to my ears! Den, Adam here has a lot to show you, and it’s been a busy week so far so there should be plenty for you to play with.”

We walked out to the Custody desk, and I made the round of introductions of the civvy support staff, that smile and a handshake for each one. We did have some trade that evening, including one street fighter whom Kirsty had gassed, and I was conscious of Dennis, Den, standing close behind me as I said the words and made the calls. Once we were sorted with the fighter, I introduced Den to Kirsty.

“Dennis Armstrong, meet Kirsty Ellis. Known, bloody obviously, as Ruth”

“Den!”

I swear she was salivating. Den looked a little puzzled, and asked “Why Ruth?”

Kirsty grinned. “Ruth Ellis. Last woman in Britain to be bloody well hung….”

Oh you teasing bitch! All of the flirting was there, from the eyes to the awful punning hint, but Den seemed to be ignoring her, or rather missing the whole by-play. Kirsty herself looked a little miffed, but gave us a smile before shooting off to finish her pocketbook entry and start the computer work. As soon as she was out of sight, Den turned to me.

“That is the first time in my life a woman has undressed me with her eyes. Fuck me…”

Yes please, I thought, and then clamped that down as tight as I could. That night, after work, I lay between Tabitha and a snoring Ginny and weighed it all up. It was obvious; whichever deity existed was having a great laugh with a truly nasty practical joke.