The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1273 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

Danny stood beside me, “Are you talking to my mother, sir?” he asked the man stood before me.

“Excuse me, I must have the wrong person,” he backed away and disappeared into the milling throng.

“Who was that man, Mummy? You looked very worried.”

“Did I, sweetheart, it must be because I feel quite tired after the funeral service.”

“You said just the right thing.”

“Did I, darling?” I spoke almost absently.

“Very nice words, Lady Cameron,” said some old biddy who shook my hands and walked on.

I smiled and thanked her.

“See you at the pub,” said Mr Sangster, “the food is pretty good.” He disappeared presumably off to feed his face then claim expenses for being out of the office.

“Can we get some food, Mummy?”

I didn’t feel like it, but one look into his face and I couldn’t resist. “I suppose we could, we are supposed to be chief mourners.”

We found the car and drove the short distance to the pub, the car park of which was filling up quickly. “D’you think he knew all these people, or are they just here for the food, Mummy?”

“I hope he did know them,” I said, but like Danny, I wasn’t at all sure. We found our way into their function room and the whole of one wall was filled with food, sandwiches, rolls, sausage rolls, mini quiches, chicken drumsticks and even some salad–then beyond that several puddings–such as trifle.

We busied ourselves with collecting a small plate of food each, and then finding a quiet table at which to eat it. We ended up sitting with Julian Sangster and Mr Baxter. “Was your speech an impromptu one?” asked Sangster.

“Was it that bad?” I asked.

“No on the contrary, it was pretty good, and came from the heart–I liked the bit about the futility of life.”

“Yes that was dealt with exquisitely, wasn’t it?” agreed Baxter.

“You’re obviously used to speaking in public?”

“She played Lady Macbeth in school,” boasted Danny, loudly.

“Ah, the mark of the thespian,” said Baxter tucking into a pork pie.

“She isn’t lesbian, she’s normal–she’s married,” Danny looked quite hot and bothered.

“No, thespian–it means an actor or actress.”

“Oh, sorry.” Danny sat down next to me.

“Besides we know your mum is happily married to your dad.”

“I’m relieved to hear that,” said Baxter sagely. “What other parts have you played.”

“Mr Sangster was joking,” I said quietly.

“I was not, this lady did the film on dormice the BBC showed last year.”

“Did she indeed? A wonderful film, which part did you do?”

“She did the lot,” boasted Danny.

“Talking of dormice, have you seen that one on You-tube?”

“The one where it jumps down her front?” Sangster was chuckling loudly as he spoke.

“Yes, that one,” confirmed Baxter.

“I think I’ll get some more food,” I said, feeling myself getting hotter and hotter. Why have they always seen that clip on bloody You-tube? I picked up another tuna sandwich and a few crisps. I wasn’t really hungry since that meeting with the Murray look-a-like. Could it have been him? I really thought so for a moment. I cast my eyes round the room, at least he didn’t come over here.

“These are really good, Mummy,” Danny walked back to the table with a huge plateful of food–did he really eat that much? Perhaps I’ve been underfeeding him. Mind you, by the way his clothes look these days, he’s grown about six inches since Christmas.

I picked up a glass of fruit juice and went back to the table. The two men were deep in conversation–“Oh definitely, I can hardly cope with it some weeks. I tell you, Julian, lots of people are wanting something non-religious these days. I did ten last week–and at three hundred a shot, not bad work.”

I hadn’t thought about that element–the money side of it. I suppose if we’d had a priest there, it would have been just as bad, they take their pound of flesh for conducting the service–I suppose if it’s your job, you have too. Being with Simon has made me complacent about money–or is it just because the universe seems to be dumping so much in my lap at present?

“So, more important questions, Roger. Are Pompey going to climb back out of the Championship like Newcastle did?”

At the mention of football, my eyes seemed to glaze over and I absently nibbled my sandwich and drank my fruit juice. I was aware that Danny had got involved in the discussion, and why not, football was his passion, though I thought he supported Manchester United, or was it someone else? I couldn’t remember.

I thought back to the man whose funeral we’d attended. I was actually going to miss him now I knew so much more about him. A hidden diamond, why is it that we learn about these people when it’s too late, and not when we could say something in recognition of their contribution to our lives?

I thought back to that person who was killed at the tube station and the contribution he/she had made to every transgendered person in the UK–because of people like that, I could marry Simon and all the rest has happened because of it. I looked at Danny, discussing his love in an animated way with the two men. He was a nice kid, perhaps I could persuade Simon or Daddy to take him to see the football matches now and again. Okay, Portsmouth FC are no Man Utd with all their foreign stars, but it would give him something back for his long suffering patience in a house full of women.

I rose to get some fruit or pudding. While I was making up my mind which to have I heard that voice again. “It is you, Watts, isn’t it?”

“What are you doing here, Murray?”

“Mr Murray to you–you gender bender.”

“Well that’s Lady Cameron, to you, you wrinkled arsewipe.”

“How dare you speak to me, like that?”

“Why shouldn’t I? I’m no longer a child, you great bully. You can no longer intimidate me like you used to do. I have escaped from the tyranny of people like you.”

“Have you now? How about I say in a loud voice that you’re a man, Watts? Yes underneath all that makeup and padding, you’re as male as I am.”

“They all know my history. I did a special on the television about it–so your threats are as idle as they were when you tried to intimidate me back in school.”

“Oh are they, well just watch me–gah,” he spat and gasped as Danny poured the trifle over his head. I gasped in astonishment and nearly wet myself.

“And if you come anywhere near my mother again, I’ll make you regret it, you old git.”

Murray made a rapid exit from the pub escorted by Danny all the way to the door.

“What was all that about?” asked Sangster coming up to us.

“Oh it’s some old man who was at the funeral, I think he’s mistaken me for someone else, someone whom he thought was afraid of him.”

“Clearly he was wrong, I say, your son was quick witted, I thought the fellow was going to get unpleasant, what?”

“Takes after his mother, I expect,” said Baxter, “the look on that fellow’s face when the trifle hit him.”

“Yes, a trifle surprised,” said Sangster and they both laughed.

“Are you alright, Mummy?” asked Danny when he returned to the room.

“I am now, darling–I am now.”